......startsinmynose......

8 days of non stop

2009-10-07T20:57:00.000-07:00

but in a good way....but am falling asleep on my feet. literally. i was doing 'homework' for the 'stbh' (soon to be husband) and i's premarital class last night and literally fell asleep with the pencil in my hand....i just started my new job after being off work for 9 months--so 8 days in a row is a lot for me....im a nurse and have only worked in a hospital. now my job is in a nursing home. whoa. competely different world. a bit overwhelming at times, but i love it. never a dull moment...there are some feisty ones....but i love getting to know, truly know the resident, their quirkyness, their life story. today we had a confused resident call a cab to 'take them to 8 street.' we never found out who it was....someone trying to escape....

a little about myself to you newbies to my little bloggy....i am a mom of two kiddies. girls. 'M' is 8 and one 'R' is 4. they are my life, and my life never really began until them....some days they drive me crazy, but hey-whats life without craziness, right? i sometimes long for some alone time, but when i get it, im bored out of my mind and miss them terribly....crazy how it works that way. but other day, i enjoy a half hour of peace and quiet....M is extremely gifted, and i am not just saying that as a 'mom'-she has a photographic memory and recently had IQ testing and scored on the very above average for her age. yeah, kinda bragging, but her intelligence, mostly her memory blows me away. its crazy. she is super out going and will talk your ear off given the opportunity :). R is my little hippie child. snuggle bug to the max. total free spirit and just goes with the flow. shes a daddy's girl to the max. its crazy how they are so different, but so alike..... i am getting married in 2 1/2 months to my best friend and soul mate-my childhood sweetheart. we have a really neat, story. it would take forever to tell it, but someday i may just do that.....

i live in the cheese state. lived in atlanta for 7 years-freshman year in high school to 2001, so i consider that my home as well. and miss it dearly.....i love to pretend i can 'be one of the boys'...you know play football-which i can do pretty good, mind you. i like to mow the lawn-well sometimes, and watch football. i can be pretty feisty and love to dish it out-and take it just as well. im blunt and will tell you how it is, not afraid to speak my mind. sometimes tactfully, sometimes not. depends on my mood...and if i like you or not. ;) but....i am also one of the most compassionate, emotional people you will ever meet. i want to make a difference in peoples lives, an impact-in a good way. i love my profession and knowing that even if cant change the world, i know i can make a difference in peoples lives-and thats what drives me. there are bad days at work where i come home and wonder why i do what i do-bc my job isnt a job where i can 'just pack up and leave'. its so emotionally and physically draining at times, and to say that you dont get attached to your patients in some way is impossible. these are lives you are dealing with....and i am responsible for helping keeping them alive, and in some cases, helping them be comfortable in the last days of their lives.....but then there are the days that i affect me so greatly-when the families are so appreciative of the care and hard work you do, or you have a break thru with a difficult patient-or something that just makes it worth it. and i go home, remembering why i do what i do.

note-i fell asleep writing this last night.....and woke up this morning at 5am with my computer laying next to me.....guess i was tired.... :) and with a bunch of letters on the screen where i must have dozed off......hehe. anyway, ill end it here for today. i finally have the next 2 days off, so i am going to chill out and relax, especially since i feel a nasty cold coming on....eh. new germ exposure i suppose.....my immune system taking a hit.....

you know i love you....xoxo

am fret a

deleting this blog...

2009-10-02T11:58:00.000-07:00

well.....folks.

apparently im pissing off certain someones, so im going anonyomous.....i will be starting a 'new' blog using aliases and such to 'protect' those parties involved so not to piss anyone off.....who knew a simple blog could cause such ripples. huh. anyway, if you would like to follow, pls send me an email, with your emai, and i will send you the link-and pls include your name-so i know who YOU are.....

ill keep this page up for a few days....

email: tbanda@new.rr.com

ciao!

google ads

2009-09-19T13:30:00.000-07:00

so-notice the google sense ads? they earn me money when you visit them.....(hint hint).....this is wedding fund money. so feel free to click away....even if its just for my cause :)

and of course, they are such great ads............right.

wedding stress is setting in....

2009-09-19T07:53:00.001-07:00

crunch time is here folks.....3 months away.....

its been a while since i have posted about wedding stuff-mostly bc of the j-o-b situation, which has cramped the wedding budget significantly...we have cut costs sooo incredibly dramatically-in a good way we have found some major scores and deals, but our major stress right now is our guest list. which is reaking all kind of havoc. i have cut and cut and cut and it still isnt 'small' enough. we started with almost 300 (yikes) guests....i have a HUGE family-even just extending to my first cousins its over 120 people-not including any friends or kell's side....due to our budget cuts, we are having to do our dinner to about 150 people. i know its considered 'tacky' or taboo in this day in age to do weddings and not invite people to the dinner and then to the reception...but we dont know how else to do this???? and then there are out of town guests-you cant invite them to the wedding and NOT to the dinner, so its just frustrating.....we are down to about 190 guests but, and im certain that all 190 guests arent going to be able to make it....but do we just send out all dinner invites to 190 guests and 'hope' that we 'get lucky'??? or what??? ive heard of a 'plan b' back up invites for those who cant make it to the dinner and then sending additional invites out to 'reinvite' dinner invites out to those who were going to just be 'reception' invites-but i dont know how to time this or go about doing this....

so blog world, im reaching out to you....if you know how to do this, or have any creative ideas--PLEASE send them my way!! and in a hurry...we have to get our invites printed in the next couple weeks and all that jazz...

ramblings of an insomniac...

2009-09-18T12:22:00.000-07:00

i deleted my midnight post.....i caused some ruckus.

so-i apologize if you were among the live ones who had to read that post, i was up until past 2 am with a major case of insomnia, my anxiety getting the worst of me....in which case incessant rambling occurred.

sometimes i let the best of my mind get to me, and it has been lately.....*sigh*

stinkin' crazy person i am. ;)

so-my deepest regret if you were among that read. all is okay. we are all healthy. promise. :) momma t just doin a bit too much thinkin in that brain of hers....

pardon my...

2009-09-17T06:49:00.001-07:00

short leave of absence....its been a bit busy getting back into the swing of school....and, i am soooo sick. today is the first day i have gotten out of bed since sunday. blech. i dont know when the last time i was this sick....i havent started my new job yet, but i have orientation next week. woot! i am so excited to get back into 'that' swing of things....

blogger wouldnt let me log on today. it said 'there was suspicious activity on my account'. so i just spent the last half hour trying to figure out wth that was all about....maybe its bc i havent been on the computer in over a week....hm. i wonder what 'suspicious activity' entails.

emersyn is about to turn 4. i cannot believe she is almost 4. it seems like just yesterday i found out i was pregnant with her....i had a complicated pregnancy with her. my triple screens came back abnormal-the tests that can show potential birth defects such as neural tube defects, down syndrome, spinal bifida, etc....so at 20 weeks i had to see a perinatologist. kelly and i werent together during this time and i was so scared. the tests often give 'false positives', but it cant be determined until you have further testing....which of course just causes a lot of worrying and stress....i saw the perinatalogist-and he informed me that my little girl was healthy. there were no heart defects, no other problems. except that she was very small. and had a big belly. :) they told me she was going to be little. i never believed this. never. just bc kelly is pretty solidly built. a few weeks after this appointment, i got a kidney infection that landed me in the hospital for the weekend. typically-it can be managed at home, but since i was considered to be a 'high risk pregnancy' b/c of my abnormal triple screens, and uti's and kidney infections while you are pregnant can cause pre-term labor. at 24 weeks, i worked a night shift at the hospital and began to have chest pain. which was really odd. im not a 'heavy' person, and by this time i had only gained about 5 lbs. since i was at the hospital-and know all the doctors, i just plopped myself down to the ER, just to put myself onto the monitor. i began throwing up, and feeling just-sick. i finished my shift out at the hospital, and when i left in the morning, i called my OB/GYN. the dr. on call wanted me to go to the hospital, this time as an actual patient...i went to our 'sister' hospital, since it was closer to home and (heaven forbid) if anything happens, they have a NICU onsite. by then, my chest pain was gone, but i still didnt feel good. they sent me to the OB floor to be monitored, and lo and behold, i was having contractions. i couldnt feel them, but they were fairly consistent. they decided to 'check' me, just to make sure i wasnt dialating. i was. i was dialated at 1. so now, we were in a whole new ball game. i was only 24 weeks.....it was too soon to have this baby....i spent another weekend in the hospital, on multiple drugs to stop the preterm labor(i wouldnt wish magnesium sulfate on ANYONE). it seemed to 'subside' and i went home. on bedrest. STRICT bedrest. i couldnt even pick jaelynn up and carry her. i could only get up to pee. it sucked-but worth it. i went in every week for an ultrasound and a stress test. finally at 32 weeks, they took me off the strict bedrest. they continued to say emersyn was going to be 'small'. i still didnt believe this.....but....at my 36 week appt. they did an ultrasound, found that for some reason i had a larger than normal amount of amniotic fluid-which they said wasnt a big deal, but ALSO found that our 'little' emersyn was weighing in at over 8lbs.....

yeah. i called that one. so, technically, i had 4 weeks to go. but my dr. didnt want to wait-with all the issues throughout my pregnancy, and mostly-he said, he didnt want her to get any bigger.....he said my 'bone structure' was that of a small frame and would not be able to accomodate such a large baby.....(your telling me) so-we were going to induce the following week, at 37 1/2 weeks.

on the day of her delivery, i went in and they broke my water pretty much right away. i was already dialated at 2. when i have pain, i puke. i was doing okay, but all the sudden the contractions started coming fast and hard.....she checked me and i went from 2-8 in a matter of 15 minutes. they called for my epidural-which i recommend every mother should seriously consider. it took only on one side. so after an extra dose of epidural medicine-i was completely dialated. and super numb. my dr. came in to help deliver, but i was too numb to push.....so they turned off my epidural (yikes) and was going to come back once i had a 'little more feeling'....but.....as he started to walk out, emersyn's heart rate took a swan dive. now there was no choice. she had flipped herself over-they call it 'sunny side up' and had gotten the cord wrapped around her neck. all at once, there was a million people in the room. i was freaking out. this is one of those times, as a nurse, you wish you werent a nurse. bc you just know TOO much. i knew exactly what was happening and it wasnt good. they got the vacuum and forceps, and in a matter of seconds, she was out. all 8lbs. 4oz. of her. and she was beautiful.

so, long story. complicated pregnancy. complicated delivery.

healthy baby-priceless.

happy birthday baby girl.

mother knows best...

2009-09-08T21:37:00.000-07:00

remember all those things you HATED hearing your mom (or dad) saying to you growing up- that were constantly repeated or didnt make sense, or maybe did, but you just didnt want to hear or admit it? or when your mom would say, 'some day you'll understand?' or how about,' its for you own good.' here we go:

'dont make that face or itll get stuck like that.'

'bc i said so, thats why'.

'i do it bc i love you.'

'lying will always get you in more trouble than telling the truth....' (heard that one A LOT)

'its not just about you.'

and not just the things they used to say, but the things they used to do, too. things you SWORE youd never do. you know, like make your kids clean their room if they didnt want do. how dare she! or demand respect. ugh! its crazy how much i am like my mom, and i mean it in the best possible way. shes taught me to fight for what i believe in. to stand up for myself. shes taught me to not be so stubborn, and will point out my faults to a t. shes not afraid to correct me when im wrong bc she wants me to be the BEST me i can be.

sure i know all that NOW.

now if i could get my eight year old child to understand that. and shes only eight......man.....

the search is OVER!

2009-09-01T15:56:00.000-07:00

well friends. I GOT A JOB! that definately entitled an all caps sentence. the biggest sigh of relief has been released from my body. if it werent for this ginormous migraine that has suddenly sprung from NO WHERE, i would be on cloud nine. actually, i have been on cloud 9 until about 45 minutes ago when this migraine started. i blame the migraine on a couple things. 1) bleach fumes. i have been on this cleaning kick. hard core. so i may or may not have ingested toxic bleach fumes. 2) the plethora of papers to sign that comes home on the infamous 'first day of school.' its nuts. and no matter how many times i wash my hands, the bleach smell wont go away...i 'spose it could be a worse smell, like poop or something.. anywhoo....so yes, a job. can you believe this? im so excited. ill be working on the weekends only. which is actually nice, bc then i can stay home with my emersyn during the week, and babysit little adler buttman and all that. so thats peachy.

jae's first day of school went well. except that she wasnt there half the day....bc she had a dr. appt. and it was with the child psychologist-to do some IQ testing and other tests, so it ended up taking 3 1/2 HOURS! man. that is a LONG time to sit in the waiting room. good thing i had a good book. still a long time. but i know they are going to tell me she is like, extraordinarily gifted.....just like her mom.....*sigh*. ;) no really, it will be interesting to see the results of the testing for real. and i WONT be surprised if she really is super gifted-she amazes me...

according to the farmers almanac, the midwest states, which i am in, is in for a very, very, bitter cold winter. well, this is what i say. suck it. i hate the winters here. they are so friggin cold. did i mention im getting married in december? yeah, im not really sure what made me decide to have a winter wedding considering i hate the cold except that i wanted to be 'different'. yep, leave it to crazy ol' tera to feel the need to go against the grain. geesh.

alright, signing off. my head is pounding... au revoir!

getting back in the swing of things

2009-08-30T19:21:00.000-07:00

school starts this week. woot-woot. dont get me wrong, i love my baby jae, but always by the end of summer, i am a little bit ready to pull my hair out....she is a very schedule oriented girl. she needs structure. so going 3 months without that day in and day out structure starts to wear on us all by the end of summer.... and she is excited to see all her best girls at school. shes such a little social butterfly....i cant believe shes going to be in 3rd grade! its so crazy. i remember when i was in 3rd grade i learned cursive. and next year emersyn will be in pre-k. it just happens so fast. emersyn will be 4 sept. 21st. you know, people sometimes say, 'if you were to ask yourself ten years ago if this is where you pictured your life, is this where you would have seen yourself?' and i used to say, 'no way.' simply bc i never would have chosen to be a 'single mom' or to do things 'backwards'- i.e. have kids first before getting married, and while i still may not have CHOSEN those things, if someone were to ask me that question now, id say yeah, this is exactly where i see myself. im happy. im content. i have 2 beautiful kids. i have a wonderful family. i have a soon to be husband who would do anything for me, a relationship with God who gets i get stronger with every day. sure, i have done things a bit sideways, backwards and flipsided, but it has made me who i am today, and without those experiences, i wouldnt be half the person i am, or have some of the life experiences or people in my life. and can i just say--how much i love my two kids? man they are great. i love it when they laugh hysterically -not just giggle, but the full on belly laugh. jae loves to watch america' funniest videos, and we make it a sunday night ritual, and i enjoy this time soo much, mostly just to hear her laugh. emersyn gets a giggling non stop when she farts. and then she'll say, 'daddy did you farted'. it just melts my heart. and then when the most random times when emersyn or jae comes up to me and just says, 'i love you mommy.' and when jae takes care of emersyn. one doesnt realize how much goes into making a child. it is truly a gift from God. it is so easy to take my (our) babies for granted....hold them close, squeeze them tight, tuck them in at night.....

please continue to pray for my friends. pray for Gods healing hands. for His strength, His will, His comfort to my friends.

bigger than this world

2009-08-27T15:33:00.001-07:00

well. this will be a short post. but i just wanted to post to ask those of you who believe in prayer to pray for some friends of mine. i have to be vague about the situation to protect privacy, but....they are dear, dear friends of mine-who are some of the most amazing people in the world. and they are perhaps dealing with something far bigger than this world than i have ever dealt with and hope to never deal with. so-just pray for them. to be strong-for each other. to rely on God. for His healing hands.

our God is a big God, and i know He will provide for them-it may be in a different way than we want or think, but i know-and thankfully, they do, too, that He will see this through. but that doesnt always make it easier....

please. pray.

would you go?

2009-08-24T19:07:00.000-07:00

i dont often blog about my faith- i mean, i talk about it quite a bit, especially with my job situation, but it isnt often the 'topic' of my blog. and actually, i tend to talk about it in my frustration....which i think we often do. but yesterday at church, we had a guest speaker who knocked my socks off. his name was jamie w.he was amazing. he was a retired d.c. cop who was actually recruited by the CIA b/c of his police work on the squad who decided that he he wasnt 'casting his net' far enough. so he turned down the CIA opportunity down, and at that time, took his wife, his 8 yr old, 5 yr old and 10 month old son and moved to Indonesia to serve the people there. He had a calling to reach the Muslim faith specifically. Could you imagine-just up and leaving everything you know and going to a foreign place-with small children, where you can be arrested, and potentially put to death for sharing you faith??? This mans passion, amazed me. It just drew me in, captivated me. He was, in fact, arrested, for something-i cant recall what it was.... And potentially faced 10 years in prison in Indonesia. On the day of his trial, a chair sat empty and he sat before two other court justices in the court room. His wife and him had come to terms with the fact that he was going to go to jail, and she would be taking care of the children. but at the last moment, when asked if there was anyone who wanted to speak as a witness on his behalf, a man came in. it wasnt anyone he knew, but it was clear he was someone highly regarded. he spoke that he was a devout muslim, and when he went to america to get his PHD, it was one of the most prestigious and difficult programs ever. and he couldnt pass. but on the second or third night there, two men came to him and said they wanted to help him, bc they wanted him to succeed. and they did help him. and not only did they help him, but this man became graduated top of the class, even ahead of the two men who helped him. he also shared that every wednesday, they held a study, a bible study. those two men were christians. they wanted to help him, out of the goodness of their hearts, not because he was the 'enemy', bc he was muslim, but because they loved him, despite different religions. The man then looked at jamie and said, you are doing your work, but you are doing it all wrong. we are not your enemy. find another way. and walked out. the court justices looked at each other and said, the charges will be dismissed. jamie walked out of the court room, confused, and the man was waiting outside. jamie said, 'who are you, and what just happened?' the man said, 'do you see that empty chair? that chair belongs to the president of the islam board (or something of that nature), and he was killed yesterday in a car accident. that chair now belongs to me.' and walked away. tell me God doesnt work in mysterious ways.....so they did find another way. they live in indonesia for 8 yrs and moved then to iraq, and then to baghdad. and have changed many muslim lives along the way. casting their nets off the boat into deeper water, doing as God tells them, when He tells them. Man, i want faith like that. i LONG for faith like that. i realized how un-strong i am. i am simply wading in the shallow. i THINK im in the deep end. i realized though, that to cast into the deep end you dont necessarily have to go cross country, or states away--it can next door, or across the street. or the local homeless shelter. or the youth. my own family....myself.....it really stirred me.

so, what about you? will you cast your net like Peter? into deeper waters? would you go, near or far wherever he will lead you?

no child left behind

2009-08-19T16:35:00.000-07:00

so. on my june visit home to georgia, m and c were amidst the end of cheerleading camp. they both are high school varsity cheerleading coaches. down south, cheerleading is a big deal-you know, like the kind of cheerleading you see on ESPN? the kids that are involved pretty much live and breathe it. they take tumbling classes and often cheer on separate teams outside of school-if they are 'good' enough. what amazed me was the drama that these parents get involved in. its like something straight out of 'the realhousewives of whatever'...... they dont make their kids take responsibility for their actions any longer, instead, its the constant defending and catering to whatever needs they have. if they do something wrong-and i dont mean something trivial-i mean like something that could get them kicked off the squad; they point fingers at everyone else and make excuses for their kids. its constant disrespecting the coaches. i was absolutely appalled at some of the things i heard during the week i was there thru m and c. i would have never put up with the crap they do-from both parents and kids. when i played soccer in high school, the rules were clear. there was a 'no tolerance' policy. which meant if we were caught drinking or smoking-we were kicked off the team-no questions asked. not only that; i can speak for 99% of the players on my teams parents in that if we would have been caught-our asses would have been grounded for a LONG time, and we would have definately paid the consequences for the actions. again, no questions asked. and it was like this not just for soccer, but for all our sports. that is not the case anymore. m said it best--'no child left behind'. what are we teaching our children?? that they dont need to take responsibility for their actions? that its okay to make a commitment to your team and when you let them down, mommy and daddy will pick up your slack and make it better? or that it doesnt matter? its ridiculous. i was disgusted listening to the moms of some of these girls bad mouth some of the daughters of other moms--these moms, who are supposed to be role models to their own daughters, spewing out all this ugliness. and the disrespect that they give m and c--who bust their butts off all year round for these kids. the time that these two girls put into their coaching, is unbelievable. espcecially during season. they teach/work all day, and then coach every day after school for at least 2-3 hrs. and then every weekend they have games and competitions. in the summer, they have camp all summer. it never ends for them. i dont know what made me think of this today, but i hope that if you are raising young ones that you will not be one of these parents....agh.

moving along. i have a headache. and i am feeling a tad overwhelmed. do you ever get like that? overstimulated? and i have a sore throat. im not sure if im getting a summer cold? i hope not, but im hoping my headache doesnt turn into a migraine....is it bad that im kinda ready for school to start? jaelynn and emersyn have been at each others throats the last few days, so i thought wed get out of the house and go to heckrodt today, which is a nature center/trail today. right. they whined the WHOLE time. i was ready to throw them in the turtle swamp. (not really....but seriously) i mean, i kinda wanted to pull my hair out. my sister maddie was with us b/c i babysit her, and she was freaking out about spiders, jaelynn was freaking out about not stepping on the spiders bc she didnt want to kill them and emersyn didnt want the spiders to crawl on them. and it must have been daddy long leg day, bc they were EVERYWHERE. so we were headed no where fast. finally i told them if anyone said one more word about spiders i was going to put them in their hair. well-it worked. and got them moving. we saw a beaver. cute little guy. and then i took them to the pool this afternoon. but it wasnt all that warm out, but its supposed to rain the rest of the week, so i knew today may be the only day possible the rest of the week....

*sigh* and now im going to cuddle up with the gold coast....im behind on my one-days, but check out my nephew adler, from family night at the packer game. he is a ham.

can you believe it?

2009-08-18T21:38:00.000-07:00

i cant believe its already almost the end of august! the summer has flown by. my hiatus was good. my two older sisters, jen and steph were both here-not at the same time, but on separate visits, so i spent some time with family-which is always a wonderful time. i have to say i have such an amazing family. i mean, really. i suppose almost everyone feels that way about their families, but seriously-i am so fortunate to have such supportive, and loving sisters and parents. especially since losing the job-their prayers and moral support has shone through even more. moving along.....its kinda late, ive been hooked on a series of books that you MUST read, if you havent already done... the first-"the girl with the dragon tattoo" and the sequel to it, "the girl who played with fire". i have to say, the first book was kind of slow at first, but once i got into it, i couldnt put it down. and the second one was awesome from the first page. i just finished it before hopping on the computer. next i am starting "the gold coast"-which i have heard is another 'must read'. to finish my post tonight--a series of 'can you believe its':

can you believe--

*summer's almost over

*that there is only 4 months until kelly and i's wedding!!!

*we got locked out of the house today for 2 1/2 hours. (agh. long story)

*the cost of my prescription medicatios monthly is over $300(!)

*its been 10 years since ive graduated high school already?

*ive lost 14lbs. (yay!)

*i have never and will never try sushi. (ew)

*brett favre came out of retirement for the SECOND time and signed on with the friggin' VIKINGS??????? (dont get me started)

*ive lived a good portion of my life in wisconsin and have only down hilled skiied once-and that was only on the 'bunny hill'

*i used to be frequent raves on a weekly basis?

*me and a girlfriend were chased by a homeless man one night when i lived in atlanta (quite scary incident)

*my license was suspended for speeding a while back....-i live on cruise control these days....

alright. ill stop there.....it feels good to be back in the blogosphere....i have a picture on my one-a-day, but its actually not from today, but from this past weekend. be sure to check it out.

she's back........

2009-08-17T12:22:00.000-07:00

yes. i am back. after my hiatus, i am feeling refreshed and wonderful. not going to post today, bc i need to catch up on all my favorite blogity blogs! but no fears friends, maybe tonight, but for sure tomorrow. i missed you all and the blogging world.....its crazy, how attached you become to this cyber world and the friends you make on here.....

blogger break

2009-08-02T20:34:00.001-07:00

well, im taking a break from this blog. probably not too long, but there are some things going on that need tending to-and need my full attention. not that this blog requires 'a lot' of attention, but i just need to re-focus on other things at this point and need as little distractions as possible....so. i have a favor of all you blogger friends......and that is to pray for me, and my family. pray for me to trust God whole heartedly and lean heavily on Him. and to seek answers, not force them.....

so, i will be back. until then, hope you all are well.

low.

2009-07-29T12:50:00.000-07:00

still sad. but some encouraging words from family are always helpful. really not in the mood to write today--no one needs to hear 'negative nancy' 2 days in a row..... but.....if you havent already, make sure you check out my one-a-days. :)

startsinmynoseoneadays

and then my world came crashing down

2009-07-28T11:21:00.000-07:00

down. on top of me. so hard that i cant breathe. i cant see. i cant hear. i look in the mirror and hardly recognize myself anymore. with every failed job interview, i lose a little piece of myself. i had 2 last week. both went well. one that went particular well, and that one is the job that i WANT so bad. not only do i want it so bad, but id be perfect for. seriously. i walked out thinking that i nailed it. but i dont get excited anymore-bc ive been through it so many times. i wear the scarlet letter. scorned.

today i got the dreaded letter. you know, the one that says, 'while we had many candidates for the position,, blah blah....' basically-YOU SUCK AND WE DONT WANT YOU. you arent good enough for us, you were fired-so we wont give you a chance. and ive maintained my composure. but not today. my mom took the kids to the pool so i could get a break. and i broke down. and keep breaking down. i cant stop.

what does God want from me? everyone says to me, 'He wont give you anything you cant handle'. well, i CANT handle this. i CANT. i cant afford groceries. i cant buy jae's school supplies. i have to ask my mom to bring me frickin toilet paper from her house. i have trusted and leaned whole heartedly on God and---im tired. i dont want this anymore. i need to take care of my family, and i cant. i am losing who i am, respect for myself. every interview i go in, i explain the whole story about what happened at my last job-and the interviewers 'commend' me on my 'honesty' and 'integrity'. what BULLSHIT. i just feel so overwhelmed with failure. i have worked sooo hard to get where i am, and im stuck at the bottom again. and i cant get up, its like someones standing on my chest. i dont want this.

10 down.....

2009-07-27T15:48:00.001-07:00

so, check this out....im down just about 10 lbs! in about 1 1/2 weeks! yay! super happy about that. and my mom noticed today! that made my day. kell and i went to play tennis on friday night for our 'date night', and had a blast. and he noticed. was super excited about that, too. i actually havent been exercising. just been doing the whole portion control. and trying to eat better, but mostly just eating LESS. not starving myself by any means-just doing the correct portions of things. it takes 21 days to create a habit, once i get this down, then im gonna do the exercise. exercise comes pretty easy to me, because i enjoy doing it, so i decided to do things differently this time. eating is something i LOVE, so i wanted to try to 'fix' this first and then add the exercise. often times i try to do too many things at once, and then fail....like exercise and diet all at once-and then i peter out...my bff meg says the first place she loses weight is her fingers (funny i know), for me its my face-which is what my mom noticed, in my 'lovely' chubby cheeks :) . i have a round face, so its the first place i lose-and gain. but i noticed my fingers, too! my engagement ring has been spinning more. i dont want to be skinny. i like my latin curves. but....i do want to get rid of my muffin top i have recently gotten, and the tummy that i used to never have, tone up the ol' chicken flab on my arms (agh), oh-this list could go on forever, so ill just stop here.....*sigh*

BUT, i am proud of my starting progress! so, onward and upward!

365, one a day

2009-07-25T20:33:00.000-07:00

so, im stealing an idea.....from a blog i frequent....kindredly... if you havent checked out her blog-you really must. she is hilarious. i go to her for my daily dose of laughter. it never fails, i always leave laughing.....anyway, she got the idea from another blog....and now im stealing it from her. :) so, without further ado......click here to find out more...

STARTSINMYNOSEONEADAYS

an oven fire...and a trip down memory lane....

2009-07-20T19:09:00.000-07:00

so, last week i had a fire in my oven. not just a wee little fire. a big fire. in my oven. i almost peed my pants. had my mom not been over, i probably would have peed my pants, and then called the fire department. see, a few nights earlier, i had made pizza. and it broke. like broke thru the oven rack. and made a bloody mess all over the bottom of the oven. i thought i had most of it picked up/burned off. i was making the kids lunch, and my mom had JUST gotten to my house to pick my kid sister madison up. the house was all smoky, i figured it was just remnants of the leftover pizza from the night before. i went to check on the kids lunch....and WHOOSH-huge fire. (hence, the whole fire needing oxygen deal) i panicked, and suddenly my house was filled with thick, black smoke. nice. i yelled. my mom yelled. the kids yelled. i shut the oven. (i was wishing it away). opened it back up, and it was still there. my mom batted at it with her hands. no luck. so she told me to get the kids outside. (greeeaat.) she whacked it out with the towel and all was well. but it was kinda freaky for about 5 minutes. but in all seriousness, if she hadnt been there, the fire department would have been lined up down my road for what was cited 'an oven fire' in the newspaper in the police blotter.....but....that got me thinking to college.....a particular incident...

i was living in the dorms at georgia state. was my freshman year. our dorm was called 'the village'-and werent really 'dorms', but were more like apartments. i had 3 roommates, and we all had our own rooms, a living room, a kitchen, etc....i think it was 7 stories....anway, we would have random fire drills. most often in the middle of the night. at like 3 am. and if you didnt go out of the building, and they caught you, youd get a fine. after the drills, theyd post a sign on the front of the building saying, 'this was just a drill.' or if it was a real alarm, it would say, 'the fire alarm was set off by room ---, caused by (and whatever reason)'. one night i was making my version of 'fried' chicken-which i tried to do by making a 'less' fattening version by not using as much oil. well, it didnt work so well. i was more or less sauteeing it, but it wasnt exactly working.....the next thing i knew, our kitchen was full of smoke, oil was flying everywhere, and lo and behold---the fire alarm went off. FOR THE WHOLE BUILDING. shit. im yelling for my roommates......and gah. so we hauled booty outside, trying to look innocent. however, no could do. the fire department knew it was my room that set it off. so when it was all over with, there sat the nice big sign on the entrance of the door that said, 'the fire alarm was set off by room 319(i think), by burnt chicken.' all night we had people coming by our room, harrassing us.....and when my other roommate came home from work that night.....and saw the sign....she laughed and said, 'what the hell happend'......one word.....TERA.

*sigh*

unsettled

2009-07-17T12:28:00.000-07:00

tonight is shayna's viewing. and being state's away, i cant be there. i dont know. this has hit me harder than i realized. everytime i close my eyes, or lay down (which has been a lot in the last 4 days since ive had a horrible migraine), she springs to my mind. im soooo unsettled about it. why? i feel kind of numb about it. i feel like i need to be there. not just for her, but for some of my other friends, as well. i keep thinking of her daughter now without a mother-at the young tender age of 6. i keep thinking of her husband, who was driving, and what he must be going through. and her parents-cant imagine. and her sister. there are just so many people.....i want to hold her daughter, and love her, and tell her it will be okay. how do you make a 6 year old understand this? when as an adult we sometimes dont even understand it? how do you tell her that mommy is never coming back, or never going to tuck her in, or pick her up from school again. she'll never get to see her on her first date, or her prom, getting married. she was recently married-and was finally happy. newly pregnant. so much to look forward to with her new husband, their first baby together, a life of happiness. growing old together. gone, in an instant. i know God has his 'reasons' and we live in a fallen world, and all that, but its just so unfair sometimes. and it hurts. i dont know when the last time ive been this unsettled over a death of a loved one, and i think its harder b/c im not going to be there to say goodbye-im not getting any 'closure', if that makes any sense...i dont know...and in the past, ive been WITH my close group of friends-to mourn with, and now im up here, and i dont really have anyone to mourn 'with'-bc everyone is down there.....its just been kinda bottled up inside for the last few days, and i cant stop thinking about her. ive been dreaming about her, every thought alone includes her or her family....

please pray that God brings me some peace of mind, and closure.

but most importantly, please pray for shayna's family in this time.

no words.

2009-07-14T18:11:00.000-07:00

how do you start a post saying that a friend has died? i dont really know. i found out that someone i went to school with, and played 5 years of soccer with was killed in a car accident today. she was 11 weeks pregnant. she left behind a daughter. her husband was driving and is in the hospital. its been about a year since ive last spoken to her, but we that doesnt make it hurt any less. she wasnt my 'best friend'. we used to say our high school was cursed. and kind of half 'joke' about it-to try and make light of it, bc a thick silence always filled the air.....but it seems true. we have lost over 10 friends-good friends in car wrecks. its so bizarre. weird. not normal. its bought us all super close to one another, but its so painful. we arent supposed to bury our friends. we are supposed to bury our parents--that thought alone is hard enough to think about....but what i mean is the whole 'age' thing....its a 'more' normal thing to bury our parents, as they age and pass due to age related illness, etc....but we are young and resilient, we arent supposed to die....

i will never forget the first soccer practice with shayna. she had just moved to georgia. it was club soccer....she showed up with her super long acrylic nails, bleach blond hair, and her shimmery eyeshadow and big brown eyes. we loved her, and she was hilarious. she always made me laugh...her nails.....how she could play with those thing-i dont know. she always had them done up to the nines. airbrushed with some fancy design and crazy color. ALWAYS. and SOOOOOOOO long. and she ran like SUCH A GIRL. i know, i know, we ARE girls.....but shayna=run like a girl. it was great. i can just picture it now.....her running down the right side of the field as a wing, super long fingernails in the wind, flapping like a girl..... :) man, i will miss that girl. between her, jaquelyn and randy--those 3 were always wreaking some kind of havoc, ALWAYS. leave it to the three muskateers....i remember her being the apple of her daddy's eye. ralph lundy soccer camp with 'lucky', (liam) our trainer wouldnt have been the same without shayna....she was a ray of sunshine. she will be missed.

i keep thinking about her daughter, and it hurts....i think about my daughters....and i pray for her husband, and their whole family. that God would be with them through this dark hour. i simply cannot imagine what they are going through right now, it makes me nauseated.

life is so short guys. please, be safe.

rest in peace, shayna. i will miss you.

things i never tire of hearing....

2009-07-11T17:07:00.000-07:00

okay...most are things from my loved ones....but what can i say.....

'i love you to the sky and back'.-emersyn

'do you know how beautiful you are?'-kell

'will you rub my back?'-jaelynn

'leave my woogies alone!'-emersyn (when we try to wipe her nose)

'have you lost weight?' random people-at random times... (and kell today-which inspired this post...)

'you be wall-e and i be eva.'-emersyn

'i love you so, so, so much.' -jaelynn

'good-night, i love you.' -jaelynn

'good-night, i love you.'-emersyn (always right after jae says it)

'good-night, i love you.'-jae (5 minutes later.)

'i love you mommy.' -emersyn

'you wanna see my brain?' -emersyn (okay, the story behind this goes back to when she takes her iron....i always tell her she has to make her brain 'happy', and when she first started taking it, i used to say, let me look at you brain and see what it says....and look in her ear....so now when she takes her medicine--she always says 'you wanna see my brain?')

'good night, i love you.' -jaelynn (her nightly ritual consists of saying this probably 10 times....although, over the last month, she has improved significantly....down to about 2 times..... :)

'will you snuggle me?'-emersyn

'your the bestest mom ever.'-jaelynn

'i love you baby.'-kell

'i want lankies and milkies.'-emersyn (well, now its mostly lankies-her blanket, and applejuicy-since she cant really drink milk anymore...)

'i love you.' -my mom, dad, sisters.....

'miss you, love you, mean it.' -meghan

'whore.' -chrissy (our terms of 'endearment' for each other)

'you have such pretty eyes.' -random people, and kell. (its his favorite physical feature on my body, well-other than my butt :))

'i love your laugh.'-kell

'say boob'.-say-rah d. (just to hear my wis-CON-sin accent)

some of my fave sweet nothings.....there are most def. more, but this could get pretty long.....and yours??

loves

2009-07-10T20:47:00.000-07:00

current love affairs:

l.a ink: new season jut started. kats little brother is adorable with a capital A. looks like a season ith some DRAMA as well... right upp my alley.

gossip girl: now if season 3 would just get started, id be a happy chica.

my garden: i have to say, ive become quite the pro gardener. my mom passed on the good gardening genes. :)

summer dresses: comfortable, cute, and cool. what more could you ask for?

miley: jae's new turtle. she is the size of a half dollar and is the cutest the ever. she was found on the side of the road up north.

kelly: called me twice in 5 minutes just to tell me how much he loves me. *sigh*. does it get any better than that?

big falls: (up north) love the peacfulness and beauty of it. and just being 'away'. sooo relaxing. and fun.

golf: summed up in the previous post. :)

sea salt almonds: gah. so yummy.

old navy flip flops. $3.50 for a pair of kids flip flops?? bring it on.

thunderstorms: YES! a lllooonnngg overdue one, rolling in as i type.....

reading: well, this is always a love affair....

babies: eh. yep, the baby bug is still lingering.....

what are your current love affairs????

on notice

2009-07-09T22:42:00.000-07:00

its that time.....its been a while since ive done an 'on notice'....so you best hope you arent on my 'bad side'....although it may be a shorter list, considering that its one in the morning..... :)

american girl: why? why must you send me your magazine? i try to beat jaelynn to the mailbox everyday, but of course, the one day she beats me, there sits an american girl magazine. she LOVES american girl. cute, yes, they are. but abhorently OVERPRICED. $110 for a stinking doll?? you.must. die. YOU, american girl, are on notice.

pro x: i love oil of olay face lotion. but the new pro x face lotion has left me a real fine bumpy rash on my face. itchy, too. humpf.

'dennis' (neighbor boy)-after telling him that its time to go home, b/c it was late and the girls were going to get ready for bed, he says 'okay. but can i come in first and have some crackers?' NO. you cant. 'but why?' bc i said. now GO HOME.

anonomous caller- who calls my voicemail and says, 'hey tera its john, call me.' or 'hey tera its patty, call me back'. like i KNOW you-quit calling me. your sales pitch or whatever it is, not gonna work for me.

thats all i got for now. but dont worry....thats just round one....dont get on my bad side, or YOU will be on notice. ;)

im on my way!

2009-07-08T21:10:00.000-07:00

to the women's PGA that is. yep, you heard right. im at it again. golfing. im quite certain that at any minute my cell's gonna ring and my life as i know it is going to turn a new leaf. sure, sure, maybe ive only golfed one other time. but i busted out my new clubs my sister's got me for my birthday, and i WAS happenin'! i did so great, kell and i stopped keeping score.

ooooookkkkkkay. so maybe i fudged a little.....but i DO love the game. i MAY be bad, but it WAS only my second time. and really, im not that bad. my swing tends to be like that of a baseball bat, but im working on that. and i may also tend to do a complete 360 degree spin when i swing, too, but i get a little excited. on the plus side, i didnt hit anyone, or hurt myself. and i actually almost parred one of the holes....but kelly and i had a blast. we giggled (well mostly i did, or kelly at me...), and just enjoyed each others company....its been soooooooo long since we have had a 'date night'. like 3 months. crazy, i know.

we've got like 5 months until our wedding--and im (we) are super excited, but at the same time, stressed bc of my job situation....and kell just going back to work after his surgery. so money is so tight right now. we've managed to cut costs on a lot of things, but it still is so stressful....and then trying to keep up with the daily day to day costs, etc....its like every day its something new...

emersyn is just getting over a double ear infection. poor kid. her immune system is still cashed from her iron being so low, she she is more succeptible to illnesses, etc....she gets her levels checked next week, so we will see how she is responding to her treatment/meds. hopefully she is doing well. the change in her energy level has been so incredibly dramatic-its unbelievable. we used to have to literally force her to get her moving, she would just want to lay in bed or on the couch ALL day, especially after a nap. but now she is soo much more active and wanting to play and do things. and shes not nearly as pale! some of that is probably from being outside, too....

oh, gotta go-my cell's ringing. pretty sure its the PGA people. duty calls.... :)

bitten by....the baby bug????

2009-06-29T17:30:00.000-07:00

yep, i have been.....leah had her baby! adler jesus kirkland made his appearance on friday evening. he is precious. ironically, this is the day that leah and brandon were set to move into their new house. so....while they were in the hospital in labor, we (family) moved them in! what a weekend. i spent it trying to help get the house ready for them to come home. so it was super busy and exhausting....but so worth it, i know how overwhelming it is having a new baby-and on top of it having a new house to have to unpack and settle into, i cant imagine.... so ive been trying to help leah out as much as possible.

but yes...hanging out with leah and baby adler has made me long for another baby....*sigh*. and i never thought id say this, but a baby boy would be nice. of course, a healthy baby is all i want, but i always pictured myself with all girls. until now....a little boy would to roughen up the roost would be fun. but, dont worry family, itll be a while. kell and i want to have a baby right away after we get married, but we have decided that we need to wait a bit until we are a bit more secure financially. and there is the issue of space....my house is soo small. so, we have to decide where we would put a little peanut. we have talked about adding on to the house, or waiting to move. so lots to think about....:( but i know God has a plan for us and it will all fall into place when the time is right....but yes, the baby bug has bitten me.....and it doesnt help that EVERYONE i know is prego or has just had a baby....agh.

i havent done a job update in a while....probably bc there really isnt much to update....its hard to not be frustrated. i have had several interviews-some of which have gone really well. i feel like i am a good interviewer, (not to toot my own horn), but still no job. i just wish i could grab them by the lapels and say, 'listen, give me a CHANCE! i promise, you wont be disappointed.' i have so much to prove. i miss being a nurse, i miss taking care of people and i miss making a difference. i have been trusting that God has a plan for me, but....what? i dont know. anyway--keep praying for me.....

thats all i got. off to bed.

what a day....

2009-06-25T19:28:00.001-07:00

michael jackson and farrah fawcett? both stars dead, in one day? whoa. too much to take in. every headline i see is about mj. the king of pop. dead at 50. the world will never be the same. dont get me wrong. i love me some michael jackson, but seriously? what about our troops who are fighting tooth and nail, getting KILLED for the iraqi people's freedom? or the uproar going on in iran? and the whole nuclear warfare business going on in japan? and hear we sit, allowing michael jackson to take over our facebook pages, our newscast headlines, and radiostations, bc suddenly this is waaayyy more important. it seems a bit ridiculous to me. i dont know, maybe im missing something. like i said, its sad-he was a wonderful musician, but really. i can think of sooo many things that should grace the attention he is getting.....i wont lie, there have been several times i have said outloud tonight, 'i cant believe hes dead', but then on my way home from jae's soccer game, all that was on the radio was michael jackson, and when i went to cnn.com to check the new-which i do every night, there was no 'news' headlines, just mj tributes. and facebooks-all mj stuff. but in the midst of his scandals, everyone was right there to slander him at the drop of a dime. huh. just sayin. i just think we all have our heads in the wrong place. everyone. me included....but what do i know....

moving along.....

my sister jenni had her baby!!! and, for the first time EVER, my prediction was WRONG...she had a boy. yay! so she now has 2 girls and a boy. michael john. very excited to have another nephew, and another nephew soon to come in the next week or so....eek!

on this day, i lost a great friend several years ago. she was a twin. she was a ray of sunshine to many people. she had a laugh that could make a whole room light up, and a personality that was amazing. she was in this world for a short time, but during that time, she touched so many lives. her death was tragic to many, but it brought our group together in a way that one could never imagine. she remains in the hearts of us all- and i smile thinking about her, the memories and the love she brought us all. you are missed b.c.s, you are missed.

a little bit of.....everything..

2009-06-22T21:32:00.001-07:00

so. first things first.

i have a new obsession. im not sure if i want to admit it here, for the world to see. okay. here goes. gossip girl. there, i said it. i know, this show is HORRIBLE. as in, sleazy and all things my mom and dad would NEVER approve of me watching. but, i cant help it. ive heard my friends talking about it, and got the bug. so, i decided to check it out myself...i rented the entire first season, and it had me at 'gossip girl, xoxo'.....now if only the second season would get released.....

my sister jenni is going to be induced tomorrow, so im super excited. say a prayer that all goes well.....leah is due in a couple weeks, but i have a feeling this weekend is going to be her weekend. just a feeling i have....

we went up north this weekend to kell's dads for father's day. had a blast. it is so beautiful up there. its only about an hour away. he lives on the river, in the woods. about 2 weeks ago, they had 2 bear-a mom and a cub actually come up on there porch looking in the window. crazy.....we created an 'eco-system' for the kids in the kiddie pool. caught a million bullfrogs, a fox snake, tons of minnows, crayfish, a northern, perch, oysters, snails--and some other creatures we didnt know the names of.....the kids LOVED every minute of it. at one point, i had to leave to go to the bar (b/c the town they live in is so small there isnt a grocery store) to get some soda, so i was driving down the gravel road when i see this big fat snake. the fox snake we caught was small, like a garter snake. think big, like a rattle snake. so, i got out of my car-my interest peaked.....all the sudden it bowed up at me, exactly as cobras do, and fanned out its head like a cobras. kinda freaked me out, no? yeah. it started to slither away, so i threw some big fat rocks on him. i took a picture of him so i could ask kell's dad what kind of snake he was. turns out, he was a blow snake. they are similar to cobra's in the sense that they fan there heads up and out the way cobra's do. and are poisonous. yikes. saturday night, i was outside, kell was in the house with kids in the hot tub. there is a clear patio door that leads out to the screened porch. it was open most of the day, but kell's dads girlfriend had to work early sunday AM, so it had gotten closed. jae wasnt aware of this, and since it was dark, didnt see it.....can you see where this is going? yeah. ran right into it. poor kid. she was more embarrassed than anything. so kell yells for me and i go cuddle her up. she wanted to get her suit on and get in the hot tub with kell, emersyn and kaedyn. so she went to get her suit on, all excited to go swim. not even five minutes later, i was outside sitting by the fire, when i hear her crying again. she ran into it a SECOND time. only this time she literally RAN into it. HARD. it was dark in the house, so i couldnt see very well. but we went and sat down. i was holding her, and she was just a crying. so hard she was steaming up her glasses. so i went to take her glasses off, and when i did, i saw blood. EVERYWHERE. and lots of it. her face was completely covered in blood. i started to panic. now, you all know im a nurse, blood doesnt bother me. but, when its your own child's- its a whole different story....i jumped up and yelled to kell, ran jae into the kitchen. at which point i almost passed out.... oh geez, i thought. not good. everyone came running in to help. at first glance, i was thinking, grab your keys, lets go-she needs stitches. it was right above her eye. now, if you know anything about eye wounds, or 'head' wounds, its that they bleed like a mother. once we got her all cleaned up, it wasnt that deep of a gash, but it was pretty wide. some dermabond would have been a dream, or a butterfly bandaid....so she was okay, but poor kid, slammed into that door hard. itll be a nice scar, but i told her itll give her character. :) she also has a bit of a shiner. *sigh* im glad shes okay, it couldve been worse...

anyone watch jon and kate tonight? kelly had just walked in right after the big announcement to see me balling. i mean, like breath hitching crying. okay. so, i am an emotional person, but i dont get teary over tv type stuff often. but, it was heart wrenching. kelly cant stand to watch it-b/c he he thinks they need to pull the plug on it. step back. they knew what they were signing on for with the whole tv stuff. and while thats true, like i said, they are still people, and its always sad to see a marriage break up. especially when there is kids involved. my heart hurts for those kids. but for jon and kate too. i agree with kelly. i DO think they need to pull the plug. its time. they say this has been a long time coming, and that 'even if' the media wasnt there it would havent happened, but it was definately a factor. and fine, if separation is what they feel is best-but those kids are going to need them more than ever right now, and i think they owe it to them to do it in private. i really do. so, im not going to watch anymore. and neither should you. kelly made me realize that tonight. he said shame on them and shame on the people who watch. yeah, its entertainment, and again, its what they signed on for, but enough is enough. shows over. they are exploiting their children, and it may have been 'okay' before, to help secure their 'future'-but its not anymore. the media scrutiny over this from the attention WE give them, is going to ruing these kids. shame on US. another statistic. why do we just give up so easily? why do we take the easy way out in marriages? i dont understand it. i simply dont. and people wonder why yound people today are so quick to NOT take the plunge, but rather just cohabitate forever. why, when they can just play it 'safe'? what DID happen to 'death do us part'? or the marriage vows? it frustrates me to no end, especially as my wedding nears. i get scared every now and again. i think thats normal. i hope thats normal--but the way that marriage has been portrayed today isnt how i remember it growing up, and it scares me for MY kids. i mean, hell, i HAVE a child out of wedlock. there is so much uncertainty.....the only thing i AM certain of is that when kell and i get married it IS forever. divorce is a word that isnt even in our vocabulary.

do you smell something?

2009-06-19T21:06:00.000-07:00

we banda family members are quite open about our, um, bodily functions. as in, all things pooping, farting, the whole nine. so, yes, this post is about that, among other things.....but to start....bodily functions. everyone who knows me knows im fairly open about tooting and all the likes. call me unlady like, fine, but its a part of life. i only do it around people i am comfortable around-so dont worry, if ive just met you, you dont have to worry. but i have no qualms talking about it. i think leah is the only one in our family who is embarrassed by it and disgusted by it. but the girl can belch. ali tends to be rather discreet as well, but i think she just needs some corruption. i never really farted around any of my boyfriends until kelly. anyway, currently, kelly is taking protein supplements-a shake, because he works out pretty hard core. the downside of this is that it gives him gas. now, im not talking ordinary toots here. im talking knock your grandmother over dead toots. the raunchy of all ranunchy. its bad. so, we were at walmart the other day, kell and the kids and i. shopping around, when i get this whif of something. oh.no.he.didnt. i looked at him, and he has this goofy grin on his face. i turned and walked away. at the same time, a family walks into the aisle that he just totally bombed with his toxic gas. he looks at them, a father with his 3 teenage daughters and son, and says, 'i just farted, just to let you know.' and walks away. i could have died. like you would tell them! seriously. it was hilarious. about ten minutes later, we passed them in a different part of the store, and the teenage girls were just a giggling. i can imagine the stories they told there friends.....it was pretty funny.

moving along....its father's day this weekend. i came along a sign i saw while driving that said, 'everyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.' what a cool sign. i thought this was especially true in my life, with jaelynn's dad-and kelly being her dad. sure, shawn is her father, but he isnt her 'dad'. kelly is. i am so fortunate to have such a wonderful man and soon to be husband as the father of my children. i never knew what work it was having a 'blended family'. i grew up in an 'in tact' family, my parents are still married. i have very few friends who have divorced parents. they say that it takes at least SEVEN years for a blended family to really 'blend' (for lack of a better word). its hard. i sometimes wish that people who had 'in tact' families had a better understanding of it--b/c before i was involved in this, i was absolutely CLUELESS. clueless. and trying to explain it, its really not possible, its more of one of those things one has to experience....i sometimes wish i had a friend or two who had a similar situation, only to have someone who could understand some of my struggles more clearly. but not just the struggles, but the triumphs that come with having a blended family.

id like to talk a bit more about the man in my life. he doesnt like me to blog about him....but i dont think he will mind if i sing a few praises on him....(in honor of father's day). kelly is....the most fun, loving, amazing man i have ever met. stubborn at times, but arent we all.... :) strong-physically, emotionally. he is so incredibly dedicated to his family. he will do anything for me, or our kids. he loves God, hes good looking (always a plus), he tells me im beautiful-even on days when i havent showered and am an absolute mess. hes not afraid to show emotion. hes passionate-about everything, hes the hardest worker youll ever meet. hes neat and clean, he always helps around the house-even though he doesnt live here yet. hes my best friend. i could go on....and on....and on....*sigh*

are you falling in love with him yet? too bad. hes mine. but dont worry, theres plenty more out there for you..... ;)

i love you cow-cow. happy fathers day.

meet the cleavers

2009-06-14T20:10:00.000-07:00

so. ive lived in my house for just short of two years now. i have a few nice neigbors. the one on the right may be in love with my fiance..( if you catch my drift)-but sooo nice and has a gorgeous garden. not to mention, he gives me free plants and flowers all the time. the one on the right is an older single lady who i think is a spinster. or possibly a widow, or a divorcee. then we have the neghbors across the street. we will call them the cleavers. on the night we moved in, they came over and introduced themselves, all happy. husband, wife and 3 boys. yay. one big happy family. i am a nice person, but it takes me a looonngg time to be comfortable with people. so for the last year and a half its pretty much been 'hey', 'how are you' type banter when we see them. well, about a month ago, the cleavers had a fire in their basement. tragic, i know. something faulty with the furnace. i was mowing the lawn when it happend, so i offered to take their youngest son in my yard. we will name this son dennis (as in dennis the menace). cute kid. hes 4. kelly and emersyn were up north on this day, so it was just me and jae home. so jae and i kept him busy. so, anyway. everything was okay, the house was fine, it was just smoke damage. later that afternoon, when kell came home, he stopped over to talk to the neigbor and make sure everything was okay. mr. cleaver apparently spilled his life story to kelly, short of how many times he and mrs. cleaver have sex a week....interesting. so-now we are friends. fine and dandy.

so, a couple days later, i am getting ready to pick jae up from school and had just opened up the garage door and was sitting at the kitchen table writing out bills. all the sudden my back door to my house swings open and dennis is standing there.

dennis: 'hi'
me: 'AAHHH!'
d: giggle
m: you scared the crap out of me!
d: whatcha doin?
m: just getting ready to pick jae up from school. what do you need?
d: nothing. (just stands there.)
m: oh. does your dad know your here?
d: no.
m: oh. well, you need to let him know where you are, you cant just leave without telling him where you are, especially cross the road. plus, i have to leave to go get jaelynn from school.
d: well, can i come with you?
m: (thinking, WHAT?) um, i guess, but we need to ask your dad.

okay--i hardly know these people. ive had exactly ONE conversation with them, and this kid just up and walks into my house and is asking to ride in a car with me. riiigght. so we go and ask his dad, and of course he says, sure. so i take him with me....the next day, he does the same thing-just randomly shows up, without telling his dad, to which, i send him back home, and then he comes back over 'to play'. its been like this for the past 2 weeks. EVERY.DAY.

fast forward. to this weekend. i get home from georgia, and am sick as a dog. kelly and i no less pull in from the drs. office after i just find out i am 'quartined', and up comes dennis wanting to play.

d: hi.
m: hey hun. the girls arent here, and im really sick, so your gonna have to go home.
d: but why?
m: bc im sick.
d: oh. well, can i wait?
m: no, they arent coming home for a couple days. what i have is contagious, and i dont want you to get sick. you need to go home. ( i was trying to be so patient, but i was so sick, and tired and irritated.)
d: well when can i come back?
m: in a few days. when you see the kids outside.

later that night, i was letting sampson outside, and he came back. i wanted to pull my hair out. this afternoon, at lunch time, he showed up, as i was about to lay emersyn down for her nap. our cnversation went like this:

m: hey dennis. the girls are just finishing up eating and then emersyn has to take a nap. and jaelynn is grounded. but maybe they can play after that.
d: but what am i supposed to do?
m: i dont know, go home?
d: welllllll.....can i play here?
m: noooo, emersyn is going to take a nap. and jae is grounded.
d:can i play in the playroom?
m: no. youll have to go home.
d: can i watch tv here?
m: nooooo.
d: wellll, buuutt, can i go ride your bike?
m: no, but you can go ride YOUR bike. listen, you are going to have to go home for now, they can probably play later on.

a part of me feels bad, but seriously its EVERY day. and the parents ARE nice, but kell and i were talking about it, and honestly i think they are completely oblivious to it. they have no clue that they need to give us some space....and i dont know how to say BACK THE F*** OFF!!! in a nice way....not to mention, kelly and i are soooo protective of the kids--we cant fathom letting the kids out of our sight, or letting them cross the road by themselves, or into anyone elses house, the way they do dennis....and its not saying they are a 'bad' parent, its just a difference of parenting, i guess. and the fact that dennis is always coming over here without mr. cleaver knowing BLOWS ME AWAY. i just keep thinking, what if i wasnt the overly cautious parent and didnt think to ask-does your dad know your here???? and all the sudden mr. cleaver turn around and dennis isn't there--and then what????

seriously, this is stressing me out. because when its my kids, they know the rules. when we are outside-they know the rules and where they are allowed to go and what they are allowed and not allowed to do. when we are inside, same thing. i dont have to constantly feel like im on edge. but when you have someone who isnt your child, its a whole new ball game....especially when they are a little shit....gah.

mass chaos

2009-06-12T13:58:00.000-07:00

im home from georgia. but...i still havent gotten to see my kids. i got really sick when i was down in georgia. fever, sore throat, chest congestion, short of breath, the whole nine. i figured it was just from lack of sleep, the different 'allergens' in the air, ,etc. i went to the dr. straight from the airport. due to the fact that i had all these symptoms and had been traveling among international travelers at an airport, they tested me for the swine flu. i was at the drs. office for over an hour. they did a bunch of blood work, tested me for 3 different types of flus, a chest xray and the list goes on. the swine flu test has to go to the state lab-so it takes a few days before you get the results. until i get the results, i have to be 'quarantined'. which means i cant see or be around anyone. very unnerving, especially since i was around 3 pregnant people this past weekend. i dont remember being this sick in a looonngg time. i have lost my voice, so even talking on the phone is hard, b/c it requires a lot of energy.

it really sucks. i miss my kids sooo much. and kelly. kell came over to pick up some clothes for jae, and i got to look at them thru the window of the car. i felt like i was in jail, looking at them thru the glass partition....hopefully tomorrow they will have the results and they will be negative, so i can see my kids and let my friends know that everything is okay.... :/

for a brief moment in time, my heart stopped beating.

2009-06-01T19:18:00.000-07:00

emersyn is sick. really sick. it all started last week. she started acting out of sorts. kinda flu-ey. but she just had the puke flu a few weeks ago, so it would be pretty odd for her to get it again so soon. she kept saying that she was going to throw up, but she wouldnt, she was just nauseated. she started to complain of belly pain. she stopped eating. as she laid on the couch next to me last thursday, i began to wonder if she was getting a UTI. in kids, belly pain is often one of the symptoms. shortly after, she started making a lot of trips to the bathroom, but only peeing just a little bit. no fever. kell and i started to really think that yep, she had a UTI. she started to not drink very much in addition to not eating. she was really lazy, and sickly. we took her to the doctor on friday. they tested her urine, which showed some funky stuff-but not an infection. funky stuff significant with some dehydration. her dr. wanted to check a strep test b/c of the belly pain. lo and behold, it was positive. yay, we thought, antiobiotics will take care of the problem. not sure if you all remember, but emersyn is TERRIFIED of the drs. office/hospitals b/c of when she had to have her extensive workup when she was diagnosed with her kidney reflux. she FREAKS OUT as soon as we pull up to the drs. office. so, it is always extremely high stress and a huge ordeal when we have to go through all this....the dr. assured us that by the 2nd dose of antibiotic we should see a vast improvement--which would be that night. she still wasnt eating, but we werent too concerned. we were more concerned about her drinking and her hyrdrating herself. she stayed with kelly that night and saturday morning, i helped kell's sister and mom run a rummage sale. i was outside all day/morning and she slept until 10:30. she was still really sickly, and cuddly. we couldnt get her to do anything. her breath was really stinky, i checked her heart rate-which was really tachy(fast), and her lips were sooo dry they were peeling and cracked. by 3:30pm, she hadnt gone pee in over 24hrs. she was extremely dehydrated. i called the dr--i already knew they were going to tell us to go to the ER so they could give her IV fluids, but I wanted to call and 'update' them. So, we took her to the ER. suprisingly, she was quite calm and barely cried. i think she was just so sick by this time. i was worried about the IV, but the nurse was awesome and got it in right away. they drew some blood work right away, too. they gave her a bag of fluids. and got another urine sample. we were there for about 3 hours. we were under the assumption that as soon as the fluids were done, we could go home-which was what the nurse said. so the bag was done, emersyn perked up--it was amazing. she was like a new kid. she ate 2 popsicles, and kept saying, 'im all better.' it made my heart melt.

then the dr. walked in with this look on his face. 'the lab just called. emersyn's red blood cells are critically low, so we are going to admit her to children's hospital.'

what?! everything stopped. at this point, i wanted to erase all my knowledge as a nurse. its times like this, that you know too much, b/c the worst possible scenarios were going thru my head. first, since i work(ed) at this hospital, i know that anytime the lab calls the dr w/ a lab result, its critical--which is NOT good. second, he told us her HAH(red blood cells) were 7. normal HAH is 12. this was super, super low. i was freaking out. me, the one who is ALWAYS the calm one. i didnt let it show--b/c kelly needed me to be strong--b/c he had no idea what any of this meant. I knew i was probably overreacting, but this was my daughter, and we were just here to IV fluids, and now suddenly our world may be suddenly crashing down on us. whoa. i thought i was going to vomit.

immediately, we made calls to our families to let them know what was going on. we got to children's, where the staff was AMAZING. the dr. came in and talked to us. i was in somewhat of a daze, trying to put things together, hearing the words, 'leaukemia', and 'severely anemic', and 'too much milk' and 'lead' floating in and out of conversations. they came and drew blood. from what the dr. said, she was fairly confident that emersyn was severly anemic from drinking too much milk. (!!!!) but we wouldnt know for sure until her labs came back and until we saw how she started responding to the iron therapy. If the labs came back and didnt show a 'true iron deficiency', then they would have to look elsewhere-which was where the word leaukemia came in--which was such a scary thought.....but.....her labs came back and she literally had ZERO, i mean ZERO iron in her body. which is good-in the fact that they found the cause of the low HAH, but bad b/c she has no iron. The calcium in milk inhibits iron from binding to the RBC's in our body. i didnt know that.....or if they taught that to me in nursing school, i dont remember that.....i mean, who wouldve thought you could drink too much milk....so as a result, her blood count has dropped. its crazy, b/c i recently had told kelly i was worried about how tired and 'lazy' shed been.....well, that explains it. they said her heart is working a lot harder than normal, so she cant finish soccer out either. they started her on a really high dose of iron--which is the NASTIEST tasting and smelling stuff ever invented. bless her heart. she hates taking medicine period, and now she has to take this horrible stuff. its been grueling, but she is getting better at it-bribery is not always a bad thing....

i know this is a super long post.....but i am telling you, it was really scary for a bit--from the time when the ER doc came in with the HAH results to finding out what the actual cause of the anemia was--heartwrenching. i thought of parents who have terminally or chronically ill kids and my heart just broke. it has to be so hard. emersyn kept saying over and over, 'can i go home now?' and, i tell you what, thank GOD for children's hospitals. i am so glad we live in a city that has one. the nurses and drs. and staff are so wonderful--it was absolutely wonderful. they are amazing.

permanent marker perfume

2009-05-27T19:52:00.000-07:00

by the way....

ive been assigned to poster duty for the rummage sale. and am eminating (is that a word?) permanent marker odors. i may even be high from the fumes. its really quite possible.

awol

2009-05-27T19:49:00.000-07:00

ive been threatened by many people today. my future husband. my future sister in law. okay. thats only 2. but on several different occasions, does that count? ive been in full effect all day. i blame it on the drugs. its the steroids. they make me craaazzzzy. mad crazy. seriously. ive been bouncing off the walls.

this could be a problem.

deep thoughts.

2009-05-26T20:01:00.000-07:00

my mind is in a million different places tonight, so bear with me.....and i have so many things to catch up on......first things first.

my wedding dress came in today!!!!! yay!!!!! i am sooo excited. i cant wait to go see it. and try it on. eek.

i have had a migraine for 6 days. today wasnt so bad. i think im over the hump, but im on steroids now, so i think thats why....i didnt hardly sleep last night though, or for the last 5 days b/c of it. it was a bad one, i was actually scared. its been so long since ive had one and i 'forgot' how to 'cope' with it and i kinda freaked out. but i had so much energy today from the steroids and am probably not going to be able to sleep now--not from the headache, but from the steroids. agh.

jaelynn's hermit crab, poppy, died yesterday. we had a burial for her today in the backyard. she was hysterical. :( it was heartbreaking. she blamed herself for it dying and i felt soo bad. i tried to convince her she died of old age, that she was a grandma crab. it was really sad though, b/c she was just truly hysterical--i mean she never took care of the darn thing, but bless her heart.....i hate seeing my kids hurt. you just want to protect them from it.

did ya'll watch the season premiere of john and kate plus 8????? talk about disheartening.....it sure seems like john has checked out of the marriage. and you know, kate can be a bitch, but no one deserves to be cheated on. and who knows what the REAL story is. who CARES what the real story is. the bottom line is--its the KIDS that are going to suffer. but it is sad to see that john doesnt seem to 'care' or want to try to work things out. people say things like, 'its reality'. no, its not reality. what happened to your wedding vows, you know those things you took when you got married??? to love each other in sickness and health? for better or worse? til DEATH DO US PART????? why do people just walk away from the committment of marriage? it makes me sick. divorce is not a reality. its a cop out. im sure i may offend people with this, but its how i feel. when i get married to kelly--its for life. thats it. its not going to be easy. i know that, kelly knows that--everyone knows that. but we are committed to each other and our family, and we love each other. forever. i sincerely hope that they are able to work things out. *sigh*. okay....sorry, had to get that off my chest.....

i had a job interview last week. it went well. man i hope i get the job. i mean, i really hope i get the job. i mean, i think id sell my body for the job. jjjjjussssst kidding. just seeing if you were paying attention. :) but just thinking about it is giving me an anxiety attack. i dont know how much longer i can handle this not having a job thing.

i leave for georgia in 1 1/2 weeks. i can hardly contain my excitement. gah! seriously, i think i need a sedative.

um yes. i decided to hop on my parents wii fit last night. if i didnt have a body complex before, i certainly do now. my wii fit age is 48! AND pon completing my 'profile', they made my mii chubby!!!! that was based on my current BMI and weight. WTF! okay, so yes, i have stated that i am fluffy, but they actually made my mii chubby!!! i dont need them to confirm what i already know ! geesh! i vowed to go home and starve myself. i need to make my mii skinny. ( the wii-mii and the real me).....

well, wrapping things up, i dont know i got myself into tonight, but im am an itchy mess. its ridiculous. so, im signing off for now. peace out. :)

miss me?

2009-05-25T20:17:00.001-07:00

i know, ive been missing. its been quite busy. i promise, ill catch up. but not tonight...on day 5 of a killer migraine. :/

tomorrow. promise.

take a deep breath.

2009-05-18T19:01:00.000-07:00

yes. thats what i keep having to tell myself every time i start to think about the wedding and the near future, not having a job and HOW are we going to pay for this???? i think i am near panic attacks every few minutes....sounds so incredibly trivial, i know, but its more deep rooted than just the wedding. thats just the tip of the iceberg....i am constantly running ideas in my mind, plans on how to 'fix' things and the current state of things. every day, i apply for at least ONE job--and have even started to apply for non nursing jobs. i constantly hear, 'God is in control', and 'everything happens for a reason', in fact, everything happens for a reason is MY saying, my motto. but, how i find myself wavering in my faith. Not in God alone, but remembering in that He IS in control, and will take care of me, ultimately. but do i need to lose my sanity before 'ultimately' comes? i find constantly wondering 'what if', as in 'what if i still had my job'. what a different tune id be singing. i know i have learned some of the most valuable lessons about finances and fiscal responsiblity during this trial, and about work and what it means to me. and i know that it is often times in our darkest hours that we learn the most and need to lean on God the most, and thats what He wants us to do. i just feel myself wearing thin. i feel my faith wavering in this situation and getting angry with God, frustrated.

an acquired taste

2009-05-13T19:10:00.000-07:00

so, as i was eating my lovely healthy dinner of chicken breast and asparagus the other night, i was thinking about how much i love asparagus. oh--but that definately hasnt always been the case. only, actually until about 2 years ago. it got me thinking of about all *aH!!!( soorry-huge lightning/thunder just scared the CRAP out of me) foods that i have acquired a fond taste of. let me list a few for you...

* mushrooms-still not a fan of raw mushrooms, but i LOVE sauteed, or cooked in any form mushrooms.

*green bean casserole.

*asparagus-so noted.

*broccoli.

*okra-if its breaded of course. true to my southern roots, thank you very much (said in southern accent)

*baked beans.

*potato salad.

*coleslaw

*bell peppers-again, only if they are cooked. not a fan of them if they are raw.

yeah. thats all i can think of right now....kinda sleepy. and now hungry thinking of food.....

some super exciting news--im headed to georgia the first week of june for my 'bachelorette party/bridal shower' that meghan is putting on for me!!! i am SOOOOO excited. (can you tell im excited?) she is flying me there as my gift. what a gem. i cant wait.

running has been going really good. i forget how much i love doing it....and the whole book on audio thing has worked out GREAT. i love it. so, now im off to get some shut-eye. (omg, i havent said that word in ages-shut eye...)

por mi madre.

2009-05-10T19:19:00.000-07:00

my mom. she is amazing. at the young ripe age of 52, she was out on the trampoline today with my 2 kids and youngest sister doing '180s' and pikes, and split leaps like no other. (um, i cant do that, can you?) flips you say, no problemo. she is wonder woman. im telling you, this woman can do it all. she works the wii fit daily, can haul ass and lumber like any man, and she also does all those 'motherly' things like make chicken soup when im sick with the flu and rubs my head while im puking on the toilet. she has raised 6 girls, which has definately been no easy feat, and kept her sanity and still looks absolutely beautiful. she has taught me to be me, and some of the most valuable lessons in life. we have not always had an easy road, but she has never left me and has always supported me no matter what. she has taught me what a mother's love IS, and that its never to late to be worth waiting for.....she has shown me the true beauty of life, and has been a role model to me and to young mothers all around. she has taught me to take a stand in what i believe in, and to not back down-no matter what. she has always stuck up for me, but has also called me out when i was wrong--not afraid to confront me on my mistakes, for which have made me a better and stronger person. she has shown me that love endures it all, and that despite the odds; her and my dad were NOT going to be 'just another statistic'......she is a Godly woman, who wants nothing but the best for her family, who always thinks of herself last.

So, on this day, mom, i hope you know how much i love you. How much we all love you. And how much we appreciate you and all you do for us. You have molded each one of us into unique individuals, and although there have been times where you may have wanted to kill us.....i hope we have made you proud. i love you mommy. you are simply the best.

the hats we wear.

2009-05-07T20:13:00.000-07:00

i saw something similar to this somewhere, so i kinda stole the idea, but the words are my own, as are the 'hats'.....

1. Emotion hat. This hat is a big part of who i am. you can see it in my face, the expressions i make-especially in my eyes. i have big eyes, and they dont hide much. i cry easy, however, my profession as a nurse has hardened me some.

2. Mom hat. A hat i have obtained proudly. A hat i was unsure about when i first found out at a young age i was going to get, but embraced with full knowledge that it would be a hat that would change my life, and the lives i bring into this world. there are days i want to throw the hat out the window, but i claim temporary insanity. i wear this hat so proudly. the mom hat. wow. what a name.

3. Work hat. Hmm. Well, lets pretend i have a J-O-B right now for all practical purposes....this hat is the whole reason i endured 6 years of college as a single mother....only taking 1 week off of school after each daughter was born. but its more than that. i love my profession. i have compassion for what i do, i love the doctors i work for and with and i love making a difference in the patients lives and the families life. not to mention, it pays the bills.

4. Wife (to be) hat. Ive been searching for this hat for about 90% of my life.....and ive finally found it....and am about to embark on this chapter in SEVEN months with kell. this is an important hat, as it signifies companionship, and growing old together. And being accountable to one another, there for one another forever thru the good, the bad and the ugly....

5. Friend hat. One of my favs. what is life without friends? I hope that i have put my friend hat to good use. I feel as though i am a good friend, certainly, could always be better, but is always on for a good listen and always a shoulder to lean on.

6. Daughter hat. I wish i could say ive worn the daughter hat great. however, im not so sure i have. ive let my parents down so many times and have hurt them a lot of times. but they have always loved me and held me and never let me go. i have tried to be the best i could be--some times i didnt give a very good effort, i admit. but, i love them with all of my being.

7. Clumsy hat. Definately wear this one a lot. My middle name is surely not grace. i look at my legs and am constantly finding a set of new bruises-from god only knows what. i fall down stairs, run into table corners, you name it--i do it.

well, these are just a few.....what hats do YOU wear, whether you like to or not?????

what i learned.

2009-05-05T09:14:00.001-07:00

so this morning i tackled the much overdue task of cleaning out my dresser drawers. i couldnt even get some of them closed. yep that bad...so, heres a few things i learned from this daunting task:

1. i may or may not be a tshirt slut. okkaaay, i AM a tshirt slut. no questions asked. HOW i have managed to fit that many tshirts in my drawers up until this point is beyond me. i had to go back THREE different times and get rid of more and more to fit them into my drawers.....some are so old that they are no longer white... i finally parted with my all time favorite--my clemson soccer camp tshirt from my junior year in high school. i almost started to cry.

2. i may or may not also be a warmup/yoga/pajama pant slut. hey-i am all about comfort. im beginning to think i may be nominated for 'what not to wear'....i clean up nice--but when im home, i prefer to be comfortable.

3. one can never have too many tank tops. i love tanks in the summer. i think i only parted with 3. and truthfully, i DO pretty much wear all of them.

4. i am BOUND am determined to fit into my jeans i still have from high school. i still have some HOT pairs(yes-they are STILL in style) they still fit, but trust me you DONT want to see me in them. think: muffin top, and if i bent over, theyd probably split....another words, they fit but currently, you wouldnt catch me dead wearing them. im waiting for my audiobook to finish downloading on my itunes for my run. 'Operation Hot Bride' started officially this week. I ran 2 miles yesterday and worked out after.

5. I really dont need 100 pairs of underwear. seriously. you should have seen some of these gems. enough said.

6. what happens to the other sock????? i swear, every wash load, i am missing at least one pair. does the wash machine eat them????

7. i cant believe how many clothes still have price tags on them. i felt like i was shopping in the comfort of my own home...

8. WHAT was i thinking when i bought that?

next up--shoes. but that will be tomorrow. off for my run. trying something new--listening to books while i run instead of music. i LOVE reading, so maybe this will keep me more 'interested', i sometimes am so focused on getting done with the run, that maybe if i have something i enjoy listening to, ill enjoy doing it more.....and then i have to mow the lawn.

precious babies....

2009-05-02T14:57:00.001-07:00

as promised.....arent they lovely. of course im partial. but theres no denying.... :)

my battery was dead for jae's game, so more to come for her game.... but she was all dressed up for a Junie B play at the PAC (performing arts center) in Appleton for a school field trip. Emersyn played in her game, but as soon as she was done she started crying... :) my little shy baby....

a break in.

2009-04-27T18:39:00.000-07:00

theres been a break in. at my house. reports of a shortish in stature, mid-20's in age,female, dark brown/blk hair, was seen climbing through my living room window today. sampson the 'attack dog' promptly jumped out the window after the attacker. nothing was reported stolen.

okay. the real story is this.....i went downstairs in the basement to put some laundry in the wash machine. my basement is connected thru my garage-so i have to go out to the garage and then down to the basement. occasionally, my lock to the house gets 'cockeyed'. so imagine my surprise, when i came upstairs, in my pajamas, and housecoat, and lo and behold, i am locked out of my house. thank god, i had my cell....i called kelly, and asked what to do....all my spare keys were IN the house-doing me no good. also, i have a punch code to my garage, the only time i actually LOCK my door to my house in the garage is at night time, so i dont even KNOW where said key is. the front door keys???? no clue. dont EVER use them. i know--its a horrible thing. anywhoo....kelly says he doesnt know how he's going to help, but he'd come over. meanwhile, im standing in my garage, thinking of how im going to get into my house....suddenly, i get this wonderful idea--i had all the windows open!! i had just steamcleaned the carpets the day before with a rugdoctor, so the carpets were still damp. in an effort to get the carpets to dry faster, i opened all the windows. my bay window is about 6 feet wide and 5 feet tall-give or take. its pretty big. its about 4 1/2 feet off the ground. im only 5'3 and extremely, um, clumsy, as stated in previous posts....so, i called kell and told him id just climb in the window, not to worry. all under control. right. so i go get a chair from the garage. the first chair was too short for my stubbys. there was NOO way i was going to make it in without seriously injuring myself or my female parts. im sure my neighbors were getting quite the spectacle of me....so i opted for a bar stool. this proved risky, as it was quite wobbly. as i perched myself on top of this bad boy, sampson realized that i was outside said window....and comes leaping out at me, full force. almost knocking me down. *insert string of curse words*. crisis narrowly averted, i careened into my living room floor. hmm. that sounds like an action movie. it was more like i crashed into my living room floor and not gracefully. banging my knee on the window frame and heel as well. but, i got in. it was a sight to see, i tell ya. geez.

that crisis averted, we had another very near, and much more serious crisis tonight.....the girls have bunk beds in their rooms. and a ceiling fan. can you see where this is leading??? yeah. not good. well, once again, to keep the air circulating, to help with the damp carpets, the ceiling fan was on. jaelynn had run into her room, which was dark (due to it being 'night time'), and the light wasnt on, but the fan was. she went leaping up her bunk bed ladder for something on her bed, not knowing the ceiling fan was on, and her head/hair hit the moving ceiling fan. i was in the living room, and heard a piercing scream-one that immediately had me on my feet running, and kelly. once i got in the room and realized as she was climbing down the bunk bed what had happened, i immediately started running my hands over her head for blood, sure that she had cut her head.....we NEVER have the ceiling fan on when the kids are in their beds, we will run them until they are ready for bed, and then turn them off, but thats it. and if she needs to go on her bed and the fan is on, she knows to turn it off....but jae not knowing that it was on, and me not realizing that she had gone into her room or onto her bed for that matter, had led to this accident. i felt horrible. luckily, there was no blood, and jae was left with a bit of a goose egg on her hard little head, bless her heart, but she was okay. aye.....i still feel horrible.... :(

emersyn has her first soccer game tomorrow. i bought it up tonight to her to which her response was, 'aw, i dont WANT to play soccer.' so, we shall see if we can get her out there. bribery, anyone???? i post some pics if i can get her out there.... :)

changing it up.

2009-04-22T19:56:00.000-07:00

so. after emersyn was born, i decided that i was going to start something new in terms of exercise. yoga? hehe. no. i am the least flexible, most clumsy person you will ever meet. i can barely bend down and touch my toes. okay, i cant. once, when i had sciatica, i was at the doctor's office and my physician was trying to teach me some stretches to do to help get rid of it, and couldnt believe how tight my hamstrings were-thats how unflexible and unstretchable i am. in college gym class (yeah, its a requirement here in wisconsin), we had to do yoga--i am sure i was a sight to see. not to mention, i practically fell asleep doing it. not my thing. i can just imagine the looks i got. of course, at that time, the cutest boy ever was in my class. i even skipped swimming that day bc i didnt want cutest boy ever to see me in a suit. anyway--so, yoga was out. pilates?? you know, that oh-so cool exercising thingy the celebrity's 'swear' by? that thing that promises to make you oh so long and lean? and strengthen your core? so i thought id give it a try. i went and bought a few pilate videos. i loved it. and i was soooo sore the days to follow. talk about core building. aint no lie. and it was 'fast' enough paced to keep my heart rate fairly consistent. well, i decided to pull out the ol' pilate videos again. im all about long and lean baby. i figure biking, running and pilates should whip me into shape. plus the running around i do while coaching with the kids will help. but geesh, i forgot what an ab workout it is!!! i did it yesterday and my abs are soooo sore today! not to mention my arms and legs, but in a good way. definately feelilng the burn.

emersyn had soccer today. she was so cute. she was all gun-ho for the first 5 minutes. and then she ran back to the side line with these big alligator tears and said 'can you play with me'. emersyn is our little shy babe. once shes comfortable around you, shes fine, but she is definately a momma and daddy's girl. so i went out there and played along side her, and she was fine. but it was so cute. shes the youngest on her team. after every activity theyd do, shed look at me and say, 'am i done now?' she had fun, but she was ready for it to be over....i know she just needs to get used to it and then she'll be fine. her and jae are so different in that sense. jaelynn was/is always the first one out there and has always been sooo outgoing and emersyn is more reserved and shy. its crazy how personalities are so different with your children....and how in some ways they are so alike and in others they are so different...but thats what makes them-THEM..... :)

rain, rain, go away....

2009-04-20T19:58:00.000-07:00

mother nature and i, we are in a fight. a big one. shes like a sister, constantly teasing. she'll be good to me for a period and then- BAM-out of no where, shes evil. so last week we were blessed with 60 and 70 degree weather, i even got sun burned (!) (i mean, the last time i actually got sun burned by the REAL sun was in high school) and today i wake up to big fluffy snow flurries. what the heck. and according to the weather, its going to be back in the high 70's by the end of the week! what is this craziness?? and of course, due to my sun burn, i got a nice sun blister, aka cold sore. agh. but a nice tan. okay.... i cant really complain, its been unseasonably warm for 'wisconsin april', and i am LOVING every minute of it. i probably put in over 100 miles on my bike this weekend. jaelynn had spring break last week and spent the second half of it in kentucky with my parents visiting my sister and my niece and nephews, who are her age. so she was ecstatic that she got to 'go' somewhere for spring break... so kell, emersyn and i spent every waking moment outside biking and at the park. it was a great weekend, we missed jae, but she had a great time in kentucky, so i am glad for that.

today marks the 8 months until the big 'i do'!!!! its coming up sooo fast! so glad (in hindsight) that i never posted a pic of my wedding dress on here b/c i know kell checks out the blog every now and again. hi baby... :) slowly, but surely things are coming along....paying for things here and there, as we can afford to--its difficult to do since im not working still, but doing the best we can. we started our premarital counseling this past week, the class is different than i expected, as i thought it would be one-on one with a counselor, but for the first 5 weeks, we meet with a large group (10 other couples) and then we do the whole one on one. so, it will be interesting-but a learning experience at best.

i start coaching my soccer team this week. i am excited, this is something i love doing....last year i coached an all girls team, but this year i am doing co-ed. im kinda bummed b/c so far i only have 4 kids. and one of them is jaelynn. they are expecting to add more, but the numbers are down b/c of the economy, since it costs money to play.....emersyn is playing for the first time this year. i am soooo excited to see her play!!! she is growing up so fast! its crazy. yesterday she pulled out her picture albums from when she was first born and was looking at them with me, and watching her and listening her 'explain' each picture to me just blows my mind. its so heartwarming.

accidently fell asleep with emersyn at naptime today and woke up with a migraine. :/ hasnt gone away since then...wierd and somewhat unsettling, so im off to bed.

geesh.....

2009-04-14T17:58:00.001-07:00

so i went and paid off the rest of my wedding dress today. yay! its still not in....but hopefully soon....and then jae and i went and saw the hannah montana movie. i loved it. i know, im a dork....but i did. its so rare that they make a good 'kid' movie without 'smut' in it that an adult can enjoy, too. and plus, i love miley cyrus. i dont know why, i just do. i guess it goes back to watching hannah montana shows all the time with jaelynn.....and she is a good role model. i only hope she stays a good role model for young kids....kell and i were talking about that tonight, hes convinced shes going to succumb to the 'hollywood lifestyle', i think she will stay grounded-she has great parents and seems like a well rounded girl. anywho......

its supposed to get up to 65 degrees by the end of the week....woot-woot. sun tanning weather, folks. gonna have to pull out my bathing suit and tanning lotion. just dont come in my back yard spying on me or ill call the cops on you, besides its a scary sight...

talk about tear jerking and awe inspiring......did you watch the biggest loser tonight????? well, if you didnt, go to nbc's website and watch it online....you NEED to see it. several times thru out i was wiping tears away.....and while i am an emotional person, i dont usually cry on this show...jillian never cries, and she like really broke down tonight...it was sad to see the heartbreaks of the family members, and of some of the team members with their strugglesi am telling you, this is a cool show. i mean, it has motivated people near and far to take charge of their lives and make a change. *sigh* guess ill put down the reeses peanut better cup and dig out my running shoes....

for the love of....

2009-04-13T18:36:00.000-07:00

loves:

sugar free hawaiin punch on-the-gos. drop them in my water, and its delish.

flight of the conchords. if you've never heard of them-you hAVE the check them out on youtube. they are HILARIOUS.

reeses peanut butter cup-white chocolate. apparently my hips and butt like them to, since every time i eat one, that is where it goes.

junie b jones books. jaelynn has read 3 books in ONE day. (they are like 60 to 120 pgs each!) God save her. junie b jones is a little tyrant....no wonder jae likes her so much ;) hehe.

bubbles. the best invention ever. i love to blow bubbles with the kids outside. hours of entertainment.

oxygen channel. movies(aka chick flicks) every weekend.

thoughts of summer. need i say more?

being in my pajamas, or any comfortable clothes (warm-ups)

going on walks with the kids and kell.

reading.

blue cheese. i have to limit myself these days b/c its on my list of 'no-nos' for my headache diet, but i heart it. i used to eat it with everything. yum.

twilight. you already know that....just had to mention it again. *sigh*.

fruit snacks. i had to stop buying them for jaelynn's lunch b/c i would eat them all. ask ali my sister.....i have a secret, or not so secret, obsession with them. i can eat a whole box of them in one sitting. seriously.

my dyson vacuum cleaner. muy expensive, but i stand buy my splurge. best.vacuum.cleaner.ever.made. this thing is amazing. if you need a new sucker-upper, spend the extra benjamins. you wont regret it. promise.

photography. i love all things photography. black and white, color--you name it. i love looking at great photography.

just a few of some of the things i heart. what about you??? what are things you love??

i could not imagine....

2009-04-12T20:43:00.000-07:00

what it would be like to have to sacrifice my own child so that others could live.....how GREAT is God's love for us, that He chose to sacrifice His son so you and i could live. i dont talk about my faith much on my blog, but i just wanted to share that with you....just think about that for a few minutes....if your a parent, doesnt it just make you SICK to your stomach just thinking about it? if someone said to you, 'would you sacrifice your child's life right now for this COMPLETE stranger, for them to live-b/c they are a sinner?' that would be soo hard. and if you arent a parent yet, im sure you can imagine.... THAT is how much God loves us. he DID that. wow. i think its pretty cool.

its over.

2009-04-09T18:21:00.000-07:00

the appeal is over. in all honesty, i dont know if i ever have been more nervous for anything in my life. preparation for this involved more preparation than some of my nursing exams. i have learned so much from this experience--not just about my job, but myself. i didnt win my appeal. but you know what, im okay. i really am. it went really well. i did a good job-i knew it was going to be a hard case to fight and win. i am ready to move forward. i wanted to write a few of the lessons that i have learned in this process....

i am a strong woman. and i think i have known it-to an extent, but i think i know it now. i certainly have my days (like last week.....), but on the whole, i have pretty thick skin and can handle some pretty tough stuff.

i have learned who 'my real friends are'. they say that when you go through a tough time, youll know who your real friends are--and its true. i got screwed sooo bad by some people who i thought were my friends--namely former co-workers. that was a real awakening for me. it hurt, as i thought as a lot of these people as 'my family'.

be careful who you trust. perhaps i trust too easily. but, like i said, i got screwed, royally. and that was my own mistake in who i trusted....

i have the most AMAZING family and TRUE friends. in my tough time with losing my job and the past few months, my family and friends have been praying endlessly for me and just THERE for me. it is so cool. i am so lucky. my grandma was praying all night for me last night knowing i had my appeal. everyone in my aunts department was on edge awaiting the results of my appeal--even though they had no idea who i was--just bc they cared about my aunt, and had heard about the 'case'. (my aunt works at the hospital, too) my 2 older sisters were calling me as soon as they thought i would be done, wanting to know how it went. my dad was calling me in the middle of it.....my small group was praying during it and last night. my college gf texted me this evening asking how it went. its been overwhelming. i am sooo thankful to ALL of you, for you thoughts and prayers during this time.

i have learned how much my job means to me.....even though i didnt win my appeal, i have a renewed appreciation for what i do, and it reminded me why i worked my ass of in school to get where i am today.....

i learned that somethings are worth fighting for. again, even though i didnt win my appeal, id do it all over again, even if the end result was the same.

i didnt know how i would feel if i lost, and honestly, when we were done, we didnt think we would lose. it went THAT well. we werent 'cockey', but we were confident. it just went well. but when i got the phone call that i didnt in fact win the appeal, i was sad, but i didnt cry, and i didnt get emotional like i did when i lost the informal appeal. i was okay. i think a part of me is just glad that its OVER. this has been soooo stressful. but i think God is responsible for making me feel 'okay'. well, actually, i know He is. i just am content. thats not to say i wouldnt have elated if they said i got my job back, but i know He has other plans for me.....just like He says.....Jeremiah 29:11.......the infamous verse.... :)

its a new day....

2009-04-07T12:01:00.000-07:00

heres to it....

kind of a crazy week. lots going on.

my appeal is on thursday. super nervous. lots of preparation for it. am very hopeful things go my way..... (pray)

its 45 degrees today and i got word that its snowing in georgia. huh, who woulda thought. spring is on its way.

um yesterday, i thought it was 'spring break' for jaelynn and didnt take her to school. until i received a phone call at 1000-wondering why she wasnt in school. oops. wrong week. its not until next week. :)

kell and i are going to meet with our wedding cake lady tomorrow. so i am excited about that.

sampson hasnt gone to the bathroom in the house in over 1 1/2 weeks. WOOOOO! i think hes finally 'potty trained'....

still in my pjs. and will probably remain in them the remainder of the day. is that a problem?

why?

2009-04-06T16:01:00.000-07:00

why do we hurt those we love most? and often when amidst our own turmoil? is it to make ourselves feel better? to bring them down with us? you know they are wrong before you speak them-but you speak them anyway. once spoken there is no way to erase the hurt youve caused. it can ruin lives. it can ruin relationships. and it does nothing but make you feel miserable inside but you hurt those you love. it doesnt make you feel better speaking them. it doesnt validate your point-because you were wrong in the first place. so why do we do it? i dont have an answer. i wish i did. because then maybe i could explain to those i hurt why i did it. there is no simple answer except to say that i was wrong and i am so sorry. the damage is done. i cant go back and pull the words back in my mouth as i spoke them.

but i do know this. i am human. however hard i strive to be perfect, i am so far from it--and it clearly shows by my flaws. i have hurt you and for that i am sincerely sorry. i cannot undo what was said but i would if i could. i hope you can forgive me.

checking out....

2009-04-03T17:44:00.001-07:00

do you ever feel like just checking out of the world?

i do.

its been a rough week. :/

please pray for me.

me vs the garbage can

2009-03-30T19:23:00.000-07:00

and i didnt win. it wasnt a pretty sight. this morning, clad in my pjs, i went to take out the garbage. our garbage cans are provided by the city. they are about 3 1/2 feet tall and have wheels on them, so you have to tilt them back to roll them. well, we, as in kell and i have been doing some spring cleaning over the last week, so i kinda forgot that it was uber heavy. so i went to tilt it back and it wouldnt budge. i literally had to jump on it using all my body weight to get it to tilt back. so i was wheeling away, trotting down the driveway with my ginormous 100 ton garbage can when all of the sudden i must have hit a crack in the pavement because the garbage can went flying forward, as did i. i went half over the top of the garbage can, scraping my shins, hip, and knees on the way. and the garbage can was now completely all the way face down. great. how was i going to get this beast up? i quickly looked around to look to see if anyone witnessed my little escapade--i am sure they were snickering away thru the curtains. so i sat there for a good minutes trying to haul the beast top side up. i finally managed, but by the time i got it up, i was out of breath and my shin was burning from where the skin was missing from being scraped off. i muttered a string of not so nice words under my breath and proceeded to roll the garbage can to the curb.

score: garbage can 1, me 0.

next time, we'll get even.

we interrupt your regular scheduled program...

2009-03-27T19:33:00.000-07:00

sorry friends. i have been missing in action. important things have come up. things like.....say, jaelynn's nintendo ds. she's had it forever, but ive never really paid it any mind. until we were shopping the other day and i found super mario brothers. the NEW super mario brothers. hmmm. i heart video games. i heart wii. i heart all things competitive and challenging. i had to buy it. we got home and like a cop with a radar gun....kelly says 'whatcha playin'? of course. he HAD to rain on my parade. see, kelly hearts video games too. immediately an intense staring contense started across the room. and i won, bc i bought the game. so, all time awake, including on the toilet, aside from caring from the kids, (okay, i admit, sometimes they watch me play-but they LIKE watching me play) has been dedicated to the NEW super mario brothers. i.cant.help.it. im addicted. however, i did pry it away from my hands tonight....*sigh*

so, on my break from the DS, while i was making supper, kelly went outside to let the dog out. he came back in and was like, i just saw something really weird....we have railroad tracks near our back yard that are service tracks to a paper mill, so it only gets used like 1 time a day to a small train to the mill. anyway...our yard is fenced in and he saw a young girl about 11-12 years old wandering on the tracks (which im pretty sure is illegal) with just a shirt, and pants on. no shoes, no socks. no coat, no hat or mittens. now mind you folks. at this time it was about a brisk 30-35 degrees out. and fairly windy. at dusk. okay, young kids tend to be somewhat 'rebelious'-fine, no coat. but NO SHOES OR SOCKS????? kell was stumped. he wasnt sure she didnt have any shoes on, so i said, well maybe you should call the cops, its cold out, and shes pretty young....anway....after supper, we decided to take the kids outside for about 20 minutes to run around. and all the sudden kelly grabs me. 'there she is!' and sure enough, there was the girl. so i slowly walked toward the railroad tracks, she had no idea anyone was 'watching' her, and NOPE no shoes or socks. so kelly just kindly went up to her, not to scare her, and just said, 'hun, are you okay?' and she said 'yeah.' and he said, 'its pretty cold, you should have a coat on, at least some shoes and socks on.' and she just shrugged and kept walking. what do you do???? it was really kind of odd. i was beside myself. she is a young girl, and its like, below freezing out practically. i didnt want to 'scare' her, but i was kind of worried...so i kinda followed her up my driveway-the tracks run along side of them. i watched her continue to walk down the sidewalk, and i called the cops. hey-i am a mom...i had half a mind to follow her home, but i didnt want her to think i was 'stalking' her or going to kidnap her. i also had half a mind to follow her home and ask what the HELL her parents were doing and why they werent a) watching her or b) making sure she was properly dressed for the weather or c) or allowing her to walk alone at dusk-much less on a working raliroad that doesnt use a train horn. aye. about 2 blocks down, i saw her veer off the road and disappear, i am thinking into her house, i hope. the police man stopped at my house and i told him the story, and we were just concerned...etc. and he went down to check it out and make sure she wasnt still wandering around. i hope not..what craziness. no shoes or socks. i still cant get over it. my feet get cold in the house for crying out loud....

do YOU know what a gnu is???

2009-03-23T18:52:00.000-07:00

so. jaelynn is 8 yrs. old today. and to celebrate, she came home with a boat load of homework. yipee. typically, homework consists of a math worksheet and 'homelinks'-which is another page of math homework. followed by 15 minutes of reading silently. occasionally, she has 'GT' homework that gets sent home. 'GT' homework is gifted and talented homework. you know, that class that the 'smart kids' get to go to. yep, i wasn't in that class when i was little. my mom said that i used to tell my teacher that my mom wanted her to call her at home bc she thought i should be in it. (so not true, I thought i should be in it). so today jaelynn comes home with this worksheet from 'GT'. its a paragraph. in the paragraph you are supposed to find 21 mammals out the words in the paragraphs. no kidding--kelly and i stared at this thing for over 45 minutes. jaelynn had the word 'gnu' circled. have YOU ever heard of a gnu??? i havent. the definition of a gnu-a large dark antelope with a long head. OH, yes!! a GNU. i saw one of THOSE yesterday. or a BAY? apparently this is a type of horse. i even looked it up in the dictionary. jaelynn knew this. i didnt. and a NAG?? this, too, is a horse suitable for riding. what THE heck???? clearly, i need to go back to school. and NOW i know why i wasnt/arent gifted and talented. humpf. i took us about an hour to do this. i was not a happy person. friggin ridiculous. second grade?!

i have been sooo sick its not even funny. on friday my head was so full of junk, i tried to send jaelynn to school with my boots. she looked at me like what are you doing? i packed her lunch and could find the her yogurt anywhere--and she looked and it was RIGHT there. i spent the whole day/night in bed on friday. jae's bday party was saturday. it went great, but i felt so yukky. as soon as it was over, i went home to bed. kell took the kids to his moms for the night and i went home to bed. i still havent been able to shake this, and actually feel worse. i cant breathe and my head feels like its going to explode.

watching jaelynn open her gifts i realized how 'old' she is getting.... ahhhh. and watching her talk on the phone today when everyone called to wish her happy birthday....:( my baby is growing up! shes turning into such a young lady! shes such a babe. i love her so much....

hurts so bad.

2009-03-18T16:43:00.001-07:00

last week, one of my childhood friends, with whom i am not that close with anymore, (but thats besides the point), and his wife lost their infant child. she was only present in this world for 7 short hours. they knew thru out the pregnancy that their was 'something wrong', i dont know all of the details. to say they were 'prepared' for her death, is really not a true statement, because how does one ever prepare for a loved ones death? especially an infant? i think when its your grandma or grandpa and they are dying of old age, it MAY be easier, because-that is how life goes, we get old, and we die. but a baby, your child, your life, who you are just introducing life to, only to have it taken away so swiftly. how do you prepare for that? please dont think me insensitive when i say 'easier' with older generations--i know it really probably isnt, but for the sake of this 'argument', or whatever you call it, thats what i imagine. i dont know. the only family member ive lost really close to me is my grandfather, when i was a freshman in highschool. ive lost a handful of friends in car wrecks, and have grieved for them, and continue to grieve for them yearly. more so now that i am a parent. what i DO know is that it makes me SICK to think of what my friends are going through, and that i COULD NOT imagine having to bury my child. the only comfort is knowing they are in my Heavenly Father's arms, safe from this cruel world, but even still, being the selfish human being i am, i would have a hard time letting it be enough. the day i found out, i was just sick to my stomach all day. hurting for them. what a blessing that they got to spend that 7 hours with her at all, but how hard it must have been to let her little hand go. and how does one not blame God in these situations? i dont-and i know this family doesnt, for their faith in God is so amazing, but its soo frustrating. its so hard to understand sometimes. certainly, we know HE didnt CAUSE this, that He has a greater plan and that this precious little angel was soo special that He needed her by His side now.

i sat through church with emersyn on my lap and even as i write this, i tear up, and get somewhat short of breath, near panic. i get so scared. so scared of losing my kids sometimes that i literally cannot breathe. and i think of parents who have lost children. HOW do they have the will to go on? i HONESTLY cannot imagine what i would do. i imagine myself wandering aimlessly. so often before i became a mom, during my pregnancy with jae, people were always saying, 'your life is going to change so much.' or something to that extent. and for those of you who are new-er moms, im sure you remember hearing things like that. you remember loving your friends babies, nieces and nephews--but the moment your child was placed in your arms, your heart stated beating for something different altogether. its not anything one can ever explain until you experience it. and i assure you--if you are never able to bear your own children, even through adoption, you can experience this feeling. my youngest sister is adopted and i know the moment she was placed in my moms arms, she never wavered in her love for her. i try to remember life before kids--and i remember it, but not really.....i mean, what did i DO? i know i get frustrated with my kids sometimes, but geez, who doesnt. anyone who doesnt admit that is full of poop. but i would never ever trade my moments or life with my babies. they are my world. and i just ached for this family. but i find comfort knowing that they have a strong faith in God--and a strong, healthy marriage that will carry them through.

all this aside, eight years ago this weekend, i became a mom for the first time. i look back on these years and where i was, who i was and where ive come and its been a wild ride. ive learned sooo much. there have been lots of ups and downs, but the reality of it is that it has made me the mom and woman i am today. i am not a perfect mom or person, but everyday i try to be better... and ive come a long ways. i think that says something. jaelynn has blessed me so much. i call her my saving grace....because i think that if i wouldnt have gotten pregnant when i did, i would have seriously possibly ended up dead from a drug overdose or something of the likes. sadly, but true. and while God doesnt condone sexual immorality, i think that it was somehow a part of His plan for me--i made the choice to do what I did, but He wasnt finished with me. she has taught me many lessons....and as the 2 of us, we went through a lot. she is growing up to be such an amazing young girl. i know that she is going to get through her tough spots with flying colors, bc we can get through anything...

happy birthday baby girl.

hurts so good.

2009-03-14T19:25:00.001-07:00

so. spring is just around the corner. for some of you southerners, it has already come. you suck. i mean well, im just jealous. this week, i cajoled kelly into becoming my 'personal trainer' of sorts. i never realized how much i 'move' at work. being off, i havent eaten more, but i certainly havent been moving....im getting a bit fluffy. humpf. i have a wedding dress that will be coming in in about ohhhh 2 months and im a bit nervous about trying it on.....granted....my wedding isnt until december--but its time to start the ol' running regimen back up. ive been on hiatus since november. the problem is im, i have always run at a snails pace. i want to get a bit faster. so, i enlisted in kelly. hes never run. ever. so i figured if i run with him, ill get faster. i cant believe that he actually agreed to do it with me!! kelly was convinced that he wouldnt make it around the block, but i knew otherwise. i was more concerned about myself....kelly works out hardcore every day-granted with his surgery, he hasnt been able to go balls to the wall, but he still is in awesome shape. so i said, we'll just do one mile. (i wasnt sure id be able to make it at his pace). so, out we went. we got a quarter of a mile, and i was ready to quit. seriously. i stopped. i threw my hands up and out of breath said, 'i cant breath. i gotta stop.' kelly, of course, being the greek god he is....said, 'are you for real, or are you just saying that, lets go.' i am super competative with him. i dont know why. when we play the wii, i cant stand losing to him. ill stomp my feet and demand a rematch. so i took a gulp of air and started running. cursing him the whole way. when i started to slow down, he began to run backwards. oh.no.he.didnt. that just pissed me off. so i sped up. jerk. at the half way mark, he started running next to me again. he put his arm around me and pushed me a bit faster. i started to breathe easier and get my rhythm. i found that i liked his arm on my back every time i started to slow down....b/c it kept me going.....we got to the stop sign at the 'finish' point and for a brief moment, i thought i was going to puke. eh. and kelly says, 'come on, lets sprint home'. aaaaghhhh. and he grabbed my hand, and off we went.

so, i made it. the first run was a success. and kelly was great. i LOVED running with him. and greater yet, he LOVED running with me! the little terd, he wasnt even tired. and was hardly breathing hard. grr. aside from the diagnosed 'exertional migraine' i got afterward, it was good. i was a bit sore the next day, kelly was a lot more sore than i was. hehe. we went again, but that run was a lot harder albeit 45 mph winds and 20 mph colder. and another, worse exertional migraine. i acutally had a neurologist appointment friday, which i was thankful for, bc ive never had these kind of headaches before after running. granted, im out of shape, but ive been more out of shape before. my neurologist said that they are more common with migraine sufferers and that if they dont go away as i ease into my regimen, there is specific medication they can put me on for this. hopefully as i get back into shape, theyll go away... i forgot how good running makes me feel....physically and emotionally....

please...if you are a believer in prayer, please continue to pray for my job situation....i still havent found a job. its hard to stay positive and remain faithful to God when its constant dead ends....i havent given up on Him by any means, i never will....i just dont know how long i can do this....its so hard not knowing what He has in store for me...

ouch.

2009-03-06T07:09:00.000-08:00

lets talk pain. there are all kinds of pain. physical pain, emotional pain, psychological pain. i think we have probably all suffered the likes of all of these. the other day i was cleaning the house and i SLAMMED my leg into the corner of the coffee table. 'mother f-er' i yelled. thats what i really said. i didnt swear, i said, f-er. oh, dont get me wrong. inside every stream of cuss words was bubbling. agh. it hurt so stinking bad. i pulled my pant leg up and instantly had a goose egg/scrape on the side of my knee. i mean, even kelly heard it i hit so hard. i was traveling like 20 mph. well, maybe not, but you know when you get in a cleaning frenzy, and your just like-going? that was me. that night when i climbed in bed, i bonked the sore leg again, and let out an 'ouch'. it got me thinking about physical pain....and some of the things that hurt....like

-stubbing your toe.

-hitting your funny bone.

-slamming your finger in the door.

-hitting your head on the corner of the cupboard door.

-falling off the bed.

-cutting your finger.

-burning yourself with the curling iron/straightner or other hot device.

-kicking someone in the shin. (i.e.playing soccer)

-rugburn. (no im not being 'dirty'-so get your mind out of the gutter.)

-being pinched 'little'. this is something me and my sisters habitually do. pinching the under or 'flabby' part of the arm. hurts like hell.

-slipping on the ice and landing on your tailbone.

-papercut.

-cutting the corner to short in a cleaning frenzy and slamming your hips into the wall.

-falling down the stairs.

-getting your fingernail ripped off.

yeah. all these things happen to me on a pretty routine basis. im clumsy. what can i say.... i once broke my toe the night before a playoff game playing soccer with johnny and carlos b/c i kicked carlos in the shin. man was my mom mad at me. it hurt sooo stinking bad. clearly it was accidental.....i bruised my tailbone once playing soccer--the grass was slippery, and i went to kick the ball nice and hard.....(wait for it) and *whoosh* my feet came out from under me and bam....yup. that didnt feel to swell. when i was in high school i used to get my nails done, i kept them short, b/c of sports, but once playing volleyball in the pool, the ball hit me straight on in the hand, and tore my whole finger nail off. it was awful. THAT hurt. you think i would have learned my lesson....nope. another time, i was playing basketball, and went for a rebound and the same thing happened, only this time, it didnt rip my nail off, it ripped it partially off and bled EVERYWHERE. it gives my the heebie geebies thinking about it. okay. sorry about the detailed accounts of those. poor jaelynn, i think she has inherited my clumsiness....she is always banging her skinny little bones on stuff....

anyway.....what have YOU done that hurts???

aspiring to be, to have, to do....

2009-03-04T19:26:00.000-08:00

well, eventually, i want to start posting on wedding stuff, but since i still have no job--all wedding stuff is still kinda on hold...granted, we are still getting married on 12.20.09...but planning is halted.....i guess its kinda a good thing that i planned everything really early-b/c everything is pretty much already done....just small things...but its depressing to talk about it right now when i have no income :/ my appeal is still in process.... and while i have found a job with a healthcare staffing agency--yeah for that, there is NO work. so i decided to make a list of my ten year goals/dreams, lofty i know....but i dont really have anything else to post about tonight....

-get my masters. this was supposed to happen quite soon-but is now on hold with me losing my job...so i dont know when ill go back to school..

-get out (and stay out) of debt!

-go on more mission trips. specifically, take my family on one of two so they can have the opportunity to witness God's word to those who have never heard of Him. also- go to the sahara desert on a misson trip.

-adding to that--medical missions, the one trip i took was a medical mission trip, i would love to do more of that as well.

-sell this house and buy a 'new' house.

-travel with the kids. it doesnt have to be far, just be able to GO somewhere....i dont have the means to do that now....

-have ONE more baby.

-run a full marathon.

-buy a cottage/beach house or something of the sort. (this may be more than ten years....)

-take road trips across the country as a family.

-move down south.

-win the lottery. (:))

ahhh. hm. stumped now. all these ideas were coming to me before i started writing and now i cant think of anymore.....i know i have more, but im getting tired. *yawn*....

my precious child.........

2009-03-02T09:33:00.000-08:00

i amdist a family crisis with my 7 yr old. its hard to blog about bc i honestly feel like i have failed her as a mother. i called kelly up in tears last night-saying that i cant do it anymore. i dont know what to do. its no secret that she has some deep rooted behavorial issues. and i dont know what to do. we have taken her to a counselor. ive blogged about it some-but without going into all the sordid details, she has some issues. she has a lot of anxiety issues, anger managment issues, issues with her real dad not being a part of her life. and according to the counselors, i am doing 'everything right'-but WHY then, am i still having all these problems? i am at a loss. i cry almost every night, b/c i dont know what to do. i love her so much and am so scared of what will come of my precious child. any time she gets mad-she loses control and it turns into a 'i want a new family, and put me up for adoption', or 'im going to jump out of the window'. she bangs her head against the wall. kicks the door so hard stuck falls off the wall. and a lot of people i talk to say, 'oh all kids do this'. well-i know kids throw temper tantrums. but there is an extreme. and jaelynn is it. its not a normal thing. she really has some emotional issues. shes sooo young. we talk about things, we communicate, and i give her more attention than emersyn b/c of how 'needy' she can be, but its never enough. i sometimes feel sucked dry. she turns a simple conversation into a battle. punishment-like grounding her and loss of privelages-dont seem to phase her. imagine what you see on nanny 911, thats what its like during one of her meltdowns. but friends, and the counselors see her, and often dont see this side of her....its only when its just the family. when i ask her why this is-she says, 'bc i dont want to be embarrassed.' perplexing. they see an extremely gifted child-who is in gifted classes at school, who loves to talk, and play. she has tons of friends at school, is very easy going. the counselor sees her emotional issues-jaelynn openly talks to her about them...but....outwardly she is so 'put together'so its puzzling to them. i feel like an evil woman. i dont know what to do. i am at a loss. completely. i have prayed. i have read SEVERAL books, several. even gone to seminars. i have talked to my parents. kelly has asked his family for advice. do i call the cops on her to 'scare' her? i couldnt imagine it....but what do i do?????

i have tried everything. i have ignored her in her temper tantrums-thinking she'll just tire out eventually. but she doesnt. she just finds something more destructive to do, and eventually i cant ignore her, b/c i am fearful for her safety-like when she bangs her head on the door. I have tried to be the 'forceful' mom to scare her. and it doesnt phase her. i am at wits end. i have faithfully been seeking God on this--but am not sure what else to do.....i feel like such a failure as a mother, i dont know what or where i have gone with her. she has always been so headstrong. from day one.....

dont get the wrong idea. if you met jaelynn, you would love her. she has this pull that people just cant resist....she can charm the pants off you....she is a beautiful little girl, and she does have an amazing heart. she is spunky and knows the most incredible little tidbits....so crazily intelligent. i love her soo much and it hurts so much, bc i know she is hurting....and i dont know how to fix her......

Remember when.....

2009-02-27T20:47:00.000-08:00

-tight rolling your pants was cool.

-slap bracelets were in.

-stone washed pants were the latest trend.

-jncos were the pants to have.

-layering colored socks was a must.

-jelly bracelets-so cool.

-poofy bangs were the request at the salon.

-and we cant forget perms.

-starter jackets was the winter accessory, even if your winter only got as cold as 50 degrees.

-bodysuits accentuated little bump...

-combat boots with skirts was sexy as hell.

-belly chains janet jackson style was not 'slutty', but stylin'.

-hypercolor shirts. need i say more?

-tapered jeans and pleats at the tops were all that existed.

-bright blue eye shadow and shocking pink blush was the make up trend?

-jelly shoes were the IT shoe.

-roller blades first came out?

geesh. i hope most of these things stay rested in peace..... but its fun to remember all the 'trends' and things we have been a part of..... what do YOU remember????

i am bella. you are edward.

2009-02-26T19:53:00.000-08:00

i got kelly to watch twilight. i am the birthday princess today....so that was his 'excuse' to watch it. i think he really wanted to see it all along....and by the end of the movie (no matter how corny it really was compared to the book) he was hooked. he was 2 inches from the screen.(he'll try to deny it.).......its ridiculous. its so addicting. i just wish the next movie would come out right now....

anyway. i had a good birthday. besides snowstorm 'julia' raining, or rather snowing on my parade, my georgia blues are at bay....kelly spent the day with me, which was wonderful. i woke up to flowers, which are always a lovely gift. we re-arranged the girls bedroom and cleaned out the clothes drawers. finally, i did something productive!!! it was great! kelly took me out to dinner, and we sat and reminisced on our old memories of when we first met, and middle school, mischief we used to get into, and trips of when i visited from georgia. it was fun. why do girls always remember more than boys? i never understood that....thats okay though....now we are sitting and enjoying a few beers. so this post will end shortly so we can enjoy our time together. im just posting while we are waiting to for the kids to fall asleep.....which seems to take forever....

so, ill say toodles for now...have a good night. :)

pre-birthday blues????

2009-02-25T10:17:00.000-08:00

i dont know....maybe im just premenstrual... i just feel so blue today. birthdays never bother me-that whole 'getting older thing', doesnt bother me. so i think its probably PMS. but i just find myself missing georgia so much lately. i love it here-dont get me wrong. i just miss my friends. i dont really have any close friends here. i have my small group-whom i love dearly, but as for best friends, those who i confide in, its still my best friends from georgia. and i dont have anyone to ever hang out with every now and then, and i miss that, immensly. i miss the nights where we just sat there, laughing and hanging out by the pool-listening to music. just being with each other. we just have this bond. i think the fact that we lost a lot of friends in high school to car wrecks tied us together in a way unlike most friendships. its neat. we can go months without seeing people-and just pick up and its like we were never apart. but imagine that with like a group of 15-20. i miss meghan and her silliness. i miss chrissy and her ability to make me laugh at her candidness. i miss nicole even when shes bossy. :)i miss johnny and his long spider arms that just bury me when he hugs me. and ryan, his smile that lights up a room. and sarah bodie (who will always be bodie to me), her sassy attitude, but oh so loving heart. i miss my old college roommates-mela, t, shanna-who when i get to see them, i laugh so hard i pee my pants. i miss being able to tell secrets-face to face. and cry-face to face. and i miss being able to be there for THEM- face to face. im close with my sisters, but not any ONE particular sister. they are all super close to each other-like leah and ali, and steph and jen, they always called me the black sheep-i look the least like them all, and am the least 'close' to all of them, too. kelly is my best friend-he knows everything. but sometimes i need a girlfriend to talk to.....:( this whole being off of work thing, is clearly doing nothing to boost my morale either....its ridiculous. i sit in my PJ's all day. i made a list of things i 'should' do while i have this time off, like clean out the girls drawers, finish painting, etc...but i am sooo unmotivated. the weather sucks, so i cant do anything outside-like go for a walk...well i could, if i wanted to freeze my nani off...and trying to explain it to kelly is moot point, because hes never had friends like that, so he doesnt understand what i am missing....and not only that, kelly associates georgia with shawn=bad. (shawn-jaelynn's dad) so he gets edgy....he loves my friends b/c i love my friends, but he'll never understand it, and i dont expect him to....no one really does. and it makes it hard....i am just sad today. :(

taking early retirement

2009-02-21T12:02:00.000-08:00

ive decided im taking early retirement from motherhood. cashing in early. collecting my pension. do i get a pension? shoot, i better. eh. yes. its been one of those days, and its only half over.... im blaming it on about 4 hours of sleep-for all of us. emersyn got croup last night in the middle of the night, only she got it so bad that she had to go to the ER b/c she was in 'respiratory distress', my poor little baby. she was terrified. well, and so were we. im a nurse, and have dealt with croup several times, jae had it a lot as a baby and emersyn had it one other time. usually, wrapping them up in a tight blanket and sitting outside in the cold air for a good 15 minutes takes care of it, or sitting in the bathroom with the shower on as hot as you can get it and the door closed-letting it get as steamy as you can will take care of it. but every now and then, it doesnt, and it can be pretty serious and lead to respiratory distress. well, i like to consider myself very calm and collected in emergent type situations for the most part-especially with the kids, b/c showing you alaram only makes them more freaked out....well, kelly slept on my couch last night and he is extremely high strung-or overly cautious. and bless his heart, its not necessarily a bad thing, its just that it sometimes freaks the kids out, b/c he gets so 'excited'....so when he came running into my room at 1am with emersyn saying she 'wasnt breathing' (which she was, just not very well), emersyn was already all worked up b/c daddy was freaking out....he was running out the door to the ER. i was calling to him, half asleep, b/c i knew already at 7pm that she was getting croup. and kelly, didnt believe me. (so there-i wanted to say. but thats beside the point) so finally, i SCREAMED 'KELLY-STOP'. and with big eyes, he looked at me. and i said, 'I AM A NURSE. I KNOW WHAT TO DO. JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR CRYING OUT LOUD'. sometimes i feel like he doesnt give me enough credit when it comes to this stuff, and it hurts my feelings sometimes. i would NEVER put my children in danger-and if i DIDNT know what to do, then by all means, RUN, to the ER...but, i did know what to do. so we wrapped her up and sat outside. by this time, jaelynn had woken up, too....emersyn's breathing was a bit better outside, but as soon as we came back in the house, she couldnt breathe again. and then she said, 'it hurts mommy. right here.' and pointed to her chest. immediately i told kelly to take her to the ER. her breathing was erratic and loud and she was retracting with her belly. croup is a viral illness, and the treatment-if the air outside doesnt work, is usually a nebulizer of albuterol and a neb of steroids to open up the airway. so, kelly called me from the ER and said-that yes, they did those things and took an xray, just to make sure....and she was so brave. at around 230am they got home and my little peanut came waltzing thru the door saying, ' i feel better'. she was sooo brave. when she was having all her kidney problems, she became traumatized of the dr/hospital-so i am fearful every time we go b/c she HATES it. but kell said she didnt cry the whole time. they gave her a popsicle, a stuffed bear, and a million stickers. :) kelly looked at me once we got her settled in bed and said, 'how did you know?' and i said 'how did i know what?' and he said, 'how did you know so early that she was getting croup?' and i said, 'you underestimate me. i am a nurse. she coughed ONE time-and it sounded a bit like a seal-which is the hallmark sign of croup, and knew what was coming. she has had a cold and fever, i am good at my job.'

anyway....she is feeling better today....still feverish. and a very runny nose. but her breathing is better. but boy oh boy. do i have 2 very crabby kids on my hands. agh. i dont feel so hot myself, my stomach has been touchy the last few days and so that doesnt help. i am hoping to get back into wedding talk soon....but that has to mean finances are looking better....and that has to mean the job situation is also looking better....ill keep you posted. mother nature just dumped a good 5 inches of snow on us, just after it all finally melted. :( i want spring!

i take it back...

2009-02-13T20:48:00.000-08:00

we went out to dinner.....and had a fabulous time. :) its been probably since kelly's accident-october since kelly and i have gone out on a date....dang thats a long time....well to dinner anyway.....kelly doesnt/hasnt eaten at many 'nicer' restuarants before, and so we went to olive garden, which is my fav place. he was so frustrated by the menu-and then i started to feel bad. hes a burger and fry kinda guy....so i helped him pick something out. he got a pasta meal with shrimp an chicken. i dont eat seafood-at all. eew. anyway, he loved the soup, and when our meal came, he started eating....he picks up a shrimp and says, 'am i supposed to eat the whole thing?' (tail and all). well, before he gave me a chance to answer, he shoves the whole thing in his mouth and starts chewing. crunch, crunch, crunch. he had this look on his face. i bust out laughing....the waitress came by and kelly said, 'am i supposed to eat the whole shrimp?' and she said, 'oh no! they didnt warn you?' (a food runner dropped the food off). poor thing. he ate the shell of the shrimp tail....i laughed for a good 5 minutes. but he loved the food. so i felt better. i vowed to take him to more upscale places. i love nice restaurants-we just dont get to go out that often...i dont eat sushi, but i know hed love it. and he'll try anything. even though i can be a kinda picky eater, id love to take him places, just so he can experience the different foods.....i love to see his face, hes like a kid in a candy shop....

oh! i almost forgot! leah is having a baby BOY! she found out yesterday! so i will have another nephew! my dad is sooo excited to have another grandson to the banda family....jenni and her husband are not going to find out what they are having, but i have a feeling they are going to have another girl... but i could be wrong...

a love story....

2009-02-13T13:06:00.001-08:00

in honor of v-day.....i was checking out the news on msnbc's web page, and came across THIS article. and spent a good 3 hours of the morning being completely captivated by these two......you have to check out the article-and their flickr love story......it is absolutely amazing.....rosie and aaron have a blog, too.....find it HERE. i couldnt help but be enamored by them, especially since i love photography....so looking at all their pictures-was amazing, and then watching them fall in love-countries away, thru their pictures......its like a movie.... :) so, really, check it out.

on a completely different note....can we PLEASE stop the ridiculous slandering of the octuplet mom? i mean, seriously....regardless of how we all may feel about the issue-death threats? its a bit extreme. and all the public attention? just leave it alone. it seems they are giving her exactly what she wants....so why not just leave her alone.....and what does putting her down do to YOU? does it really make you feel better? like i said, she may not have the purest motives, however, it is clear that she needs HELP, and i dont think as people we should be treating her the way we are.....its horrible.

convo between fiance and i: do you want to do anything for v-day? (fiance)

Me: well, itd be nice to do a little something.

f: bc jaes gone for the night sleeping at a friends, and my mom is b-sitting my nephew, so i can see if she will watch emersyn too.

me: thats sounds fine. then theres only one to watch.

f: well, do you want to?

me: sure. i dont care.

f: well if you dont want to then we wont.

me: ? huh? it doesnt matter, i dont care.

f: well, fine then we wont.

did i miss something in this conversation??? seriously? looks like another vday doing nothing.....and i dont care, but dinner wouldve been nice...guess ill curl up with a book and enjoy the house to myself tonight. no kids...

must be in the water....

2009-02-09T18:40:00.001-08:00

a few months ago, i mentioned i had some exciting news to share....well, so much chaos has happend, yall probably dont remember....however, you dont think id let you forget?? so, without further ado, id like to announce that we shall be expanding to the banda brood. dont get any ideas.... I AM NOT PREGNANT! (unless we are talking immaculate conception, its just not possible)

my sister jen, number 1 sister, as in oldest, is expecting baby no. 3 in early June. they already have 2 beautiful daughters, and are adding another....

my little sister leah, who is right under me, is also expecting! this is her first baby, well, unless you count piggy, their boston terrier. he is their baby.....they just got married over this past memorial day weekend. she is due the first week in july.

we shall see if any grand boys get added to the mix, as there is currently only one to the almost all girl group of 6....but most importantly-healthy babies are all that matters....

on a separate note- i dont watch the bachelor, but was flipping thru the channels and saw him, WHOA he is absolutely postively GORGEOUS. (dont tell my fiance). wow. show stopping. okay. just had to get that out of my system...

the grammy performances, in my own words....

2009-02-08T18:26:00.000-08:00

okay, i didnt start watching until 8pm.... but here goes...

the jonas brothers and stevie wonder- jaelynn loves these boys. and they pledge to remain sexually pure until marriage, so they get my vote. :) they have no fashion sense what so ever. and i am thinking that they will not be able to have children bc there pants are waaayy to tight-their sperm count must be zero...but they were decent.

katy perry-wtf. first of all, what was with the fruit? seriously. i was watching the grammy pre show and she made some comment about coming down from above in a 'phallic' symbol. how pathetic can you be. and the girl CANNOT sing live. any exertion on her part and she sounded horrible and she was SHOUTING the whole time. im sorry, but i thought was horrible.

kanye and estelle-i liked their little performance, however, can we talk about the outfits? kanye's hair? i know he's known for his walk on the wild side, but not.feeling.it. and estelle's little space suit get up? her stylist should be fired. stat. you could tell she was super nervous, but the girl can sing, and she did it live, props to her.

kenny chesney- did his thang. i dont know much cauntray, but he has a beautiful voice and the song was soulful. i love the violin, especially since i used to play...

jay-z,T-I, lil wayne, kanye, MIA-whoa. whoa. supposedly MIA was due today. it looked it. how ghetto do you get- 9 months pregnant, rapping on stage in a mini skirt with your midriff showing? and if jay-z is a part of it, you know there is no expense spared to make it top dollar.....it was pretty interesting. i couldnt take my eyes off of MIA, i was just waiting for her water to break. geesh.

i missed paul mc cartney bc emersyn was running around....

sugarland and adele-okay. ive never even heard of adele. and i know i dont live under a stone....hmmm?? when they introduced them they made it sound like they were performing together-and i love when two different types music perform and they didnt, and it was kinda boring. they both have great voices. and then they DID come together, for like 5 seconds. i was pretty disappointed. the 5 seconds they were together, they made amazing music. so it was pretty blah.

radiohead-there are no words. they were unbelievable. the marching band they had with them- was AWESOME. the lead singer-he may be a little strung out, but thats probably what adds to his character....

justin timberlake and T.I- i waited ALL night for this.... i LOVE just timberlake....he never disappoints...i like T.I, too, so i was super excited to see them together...i loved the orchestra ahhh. i loved all of it. my only wish was to see justin get up and dance.....i LOVE watching him dance. dreamy. but wait for it....(im typing as i watch) the boys on the steps drumming on the little thingys make up partially for it. i loved it.

*did you know barack obama has won 2 grammy awards? interesting tidbit i learned. dont ask me what for.*

neil diamond-ah...love him. sweet caroline is one of my all time favorite's of his....so naturally i sang along....and enjoyed every moment of his performance. i loved how he talked, and swayed....walked down the aisles...classic. and...of course the WHOLE crowd sang along.

john mayer, keith urban and 2 old jazz dudes- okay. sometimes i think john mayer is good looking. but tonight he looks like a monkey. but he can sure strum. they only played for like 1 minute. kinda weird. it wasnt really a song.

lil' wayne and i think they said robin thicke(?)-first of all, lil waynes shoes, i couldnt take him seriously. hehe. they were bigger than him. oh wait. this is serious stuff. he took his sunglasses off. he NEVER does that. hes SHOWING his eyes. his EMOTIONS. wow. thats deep. hes rapping about rebuilding new awlins. well, i think, i cant really understand him, but they are showing a video on the rebuilding of it. thats pretty cool. some dude alan trusseau ? is jammin on the piano. you know, lil wayne has gorgeous teeth. an interesting perfomance. the concept-about the rebuilding of new orleans was wonderful. it was a bit chaotic, but rappers always are....

alison kraus and robert plant-first of all, i must go back to the acceptance speech for their grammy they one. bc it was unacceptable. im not sure if they are on drugs or what, but it was really quite odd. seriously, im positive it will be talked about. i cant even explain it. anyway. the guy on the guitar was a giant. he scared me. but the song was lovely. they sing lovely together. but allison krauss seemed really off. very flat in her mood. hm.

oh oh. final grammy of the night. album of the year.....cold play, lil wayne, ne-yo, radiohead, alison kraus and robert plant....what a diverse group!!! alison kraus and robert plant won.....once again-the reaction is blah. i mean, they arent even excited it seems. whatever.

well, thats it folks. sorry if this post bores you, just dont read it :). night!

pathetic....

2009-02-07T18:46:00.000-08:00

you know your from wisconsin when...40 degrees feels 'warm' enough to open your windows in your house and let the 'cool' breeze in. omg. ridiculous.

so ive been having issues with sampson....the dog is a holy terror. he eats everything in my house. everything. and dont get me started on his potty training issues. the thing is, he KNOWS what it is to go to the bathroom outside-ive crate trained him, and he does well, its like hes lazy and does it just to piss me off. seriously. hes great with the kids, and is the best dog to snuggle with-but i am at wits end. ive been thinking about possibly having to get rid of him, like to a daschund rescue, thats how bad its been. im torn, bc hes like my baby.....but hes ruining my carpet-he chewed up an ink pen under my bed-and stained ink all over. countless toys have been chewed, ive done the best i can with the pee spots-but its irritating. well. last straw was today. he decided his fate for himself. we went to take a nap this afternoon, me and the girls. i had been cleaning up after lunch and the girls were playing on my bed. jaelynn had set her glasses on the coffee table while they were rough housing. so after our nap, she couldnt find her glasses. we looked everywhere. it never dawned on us....sam had never tried to chew on them before. surely not. lo and behold. the f'in dog had taken her $200 glasses and chewed them up. but he didnt just chew them. he managed to pop the lens out of them, and chew the lens up (how he did this i dont know), and the ends completely off both of the glasses. he bent them all out of shape. it was crazy. this little 8 lb weiner dog. i wanted to KILL him. and jae has bad enough eyes that she HAS to wear her glasses pretty much all the time. the.last.straw. thats it. hes gotta go. i am sad, but i have no job right now. i dont HAVE $200 to buy a new pair of glasses. seriously. so, i am going to research some rescue centers, and find him a good home. i know ill cry, hes my little baby, but i know this is whats best at this time. *sigh*. my parents say im best with one of those invisible dogs-do you remember those? (i used to have one) my dad's comment when i called and told him what happend was, 'boy o boy, you sure have a black cloud over your head'.....aint that the truth....

my appeal meeting was yesterday. it was tough. i was extremely emotional-even though i wanted to be tough as nails....i have no idea what to expect, but i will know within 10 days whether or not i will get my job back. i have no expectations, it didnt go as well as i wanted it too, but i think its mostly bc the truth hurts sometimes, and it was hard to be there and deal with some of the issues that came up. but, as my dad also said, He (as in God) is trying to get my attention. there is something He has planned in all of this, and i need to trust Him. so, thats what i will do....its hard though, i wont lie...its a very vulnerable position to be in.

i believe..........

2009-02-05T17:04:00.000-08:00

i stole this from playful professional, who has a cute and inspiring blog, so check her out.....

i believe......

that winter should never get below 30 degrees. just 2 degrees below freezing so you can make snow, but thats IT.

that weight should be just as easy to lose as it is to gain. seriously. wtf.

that its okay to stay in your pjs all day sometimes.

that cats are the enemy.

that we will never truly be content enough with what we have....its never enough...

that kids are way too smart for their own good. babies too. we dont give them enough credit.

that credit card companies should rot in hell.

that i have an inner gourmet cook inside screaming to get out. i just need the money to buy the ingrediants...

that its okay to take a four month vacation from exercise.

that i think i am sooo tough, but can be the biggest pushover at times. gah.

men are the biggest babies when they are sick. its so true.

dieting sucks. i love comfort food. i cant help it.

premarital counseling is a must.

guitar hero is kelly and i's favorite past time. we're going pro. and putting jaelynn on the mic and emersyn on the drums.

that id rather read a good book anyday than go out to a bar.

woman are so beautiful and love to look at them. (NOT in a sexual way weirdos.) there are just so many different cultures and shades of beauty.

dancing in the living room with the kids to 'i like to move it move it' always gets me out of a bad mood.....

a breath of fresh air

2009-02-05T06:16:00.000-08:00

i havent made a habit of airing my political views-simply b/c i dont like politics. they are a necessary evil in our world, but i hate talking about them....however....regardless of how i voted-can i just say-as husband and wife-the love those 2 two share for each other is apparent in pictures and is envious? and in the few interviews ive seen-they clearly are taken with each other. its like there is no one else in the room, just each other. i love it. i sincerely hope that washington doesnt ruin their love-and dont think it will. they seem to have such a strong bond and respect for each other. it is truly a breath of fresh air to see a couple in the spot light with a love like theirs-and i hope they continue to be a role model for all american marriages. so many 'celebrities' have ruined the idea of what relationships and marriage should be-and sadly we ARE influenced by that....so-that being said, what a breath of fresh air....good for you barack and michelle.

golden

2009-02-04T21:27:00.000-08:00

good friends are so hard to come by....the saying that you always know your true friends in your darkest hours....has never rang so true for me. childhood friends even, the ones who you havent talked to in years-but have always known were special....yeah, those ones. they are so hard to come by. im such a lucky girl.

thanks. you know who you are......

letters to the press

2009-02-01T08:55:00.001-08:00

dear stomach,
i know your hungry for some real food. soon. i promise. but for now you will have to settle for the 'soft foods' like yogurt, ice cream and mashed potatoes until my mouth heals.

sincerly,
your hungry taste buds

dear drive way,

i know you need to be shoveled. i am hoping with another couple 30 degree days though, the snow may just melt. and it will all be taken care of. its just too much work.

sorry,
my back.

dear size smaller pants,
you are simply dying to be worn. i know. you sit neglected on my pants shelf, calling my name daily. your time will come. i fully intend on getting into you soon, have no fear. and without a muffin top-but you must be patient.

yours,
one size too big...

dear staring weirdo at funset,
must you sit and stare at my (soon to be) sister in law like she is a piece of meat? seriously. and make no secret of it. in front of her brother and her husband. get a clue. you look like a child molestor and probably are one. so turn now. and walk away. before you get hurt.

advising you wisely,
me.

dear ol' weiner dog of mine,
we've had this talk before. clearly, yout arent getting the message. chewing on pens, pencils or other household items do nothing but get you in trouble. i love you, i let you sleep with me at night and snuggle you. so you are not neglected in any way shape or form. and you continue to wreak all kinds of havoc in my house. keep it up or i may have to string you up by what little balls you have left.

youve been warned,
your loving master

dear soon to husband,

can we go on a date sometime soon?

thatd be nice,
your soon to be wife.

dear dresser drawers,
where do i start? enough said. ill get to you soon.

i cant find my underwear,
tera

i heart etsy

2009-02-01T07:44:00.000-08:00

so im a bit behind the times.....i hear/see a lot of my fellow bloggers talking about etsy, but havent really jumped on that boat until well, last night. i was bored and thought id check it out. i love it! they have a section completely dedicated to weddings! the key to my heart! i even found somone who makes the headpiece i want-for less than $100! i found this headpiece i want at a bridal store and it was over #300.....it was made of wire and swarovski crystals, etc....its gorgeous. but really not into paying that kind of money. so anyway, im kinda excited for that. and i can hopefully find my maids jewelry on there at some point. i think its so neat. but they have everything on there. im so excited. okay. anyway.

this past week was better in the sense that i have gone one full week with out a migraine. WOOOO! but....i woke up on sunday (the day i got out of the hospital) with a bad toothache. come to find out, i had an abcess above one of my molars that i had to have a root canal on many moons ago from a filling that had fallen out. if yall know anything about teethaches, they're a lot like headaches-they are MISERABLE b/c they make your head hurt, your jaw hurt, your neck hurt, etc....agh. so i went to get it fixed, they gave me some pain pills, put me on antibiotics and sent me on my way. well, it persisited. so i went back. my insurance ended at the end of the month dont forget....so i ended up having to go see an oral surgeon and having it pulled on friday, the day before my insurance ended. so january has come and gone, and i am GLAD its gone. febuary has GOT to be better....

i am not sure if i told you all that i am appealing my termination, but basically that means i am 'fighting' for my job back. i guess fighting isnt really the right word, but the long and short of it is that i am hoping to resolve things with HR in an informal meeting and have them turn over my termination. so, keep me in my prayers. its a positive step i have been told my HR, so i have that in my favor. while there continues to be a shortage of nurses, not here in fox cities. i think i blogged about there being no nursing jobs around here. so its been a struggle to find a job. every day ive been looking-and pretty much coming up with zilch. :/ but i am continuing to trust God-and His plan for me in all this.

I am going to start exercising again. well, once my mouth settles down a bit. its a bit painful to jump up and down,etc....i think that will help my morale a bit.

i finally saw twilight. okay, twice already. its one of those cheesy but ill watch it several times again movies. rob pattinson is dreamy and i love the songs he sang on the soundtrack. who knew he could sing?! and i kinda like him with hazel eyes better than his real life green eyes, which is strange for me since i tend to be attracted to green eyes. but those hazel eyes. ahhh. dreamy. it made me want to read the book again, which is something ive never done-re-read a book. for some reason i pictured jacob as being blonde. even though it clearly states the native american history, etc, i dont know why- i just did. maybe it was the long here that threw me off.

i watched bride wars the other day while i was laid up. i have a 'source' who is able to get movies for me....super cute. loved it. kelly was laying down on the couch next to me-not watching, even started watching b/c it was funny. he was laughing. super cute.

next up 7lbs-which i hear is PHENOMENAL. couple of good movies you NEED to check out- gran tarino, fireproof, bolt (good kid movie), the curious case of benjamin button.....i think thats it for now. :) toodles!

the deep soouth. how i miss it...

2009-01-25T13:24:00.000-08:00

well, i spent the weekend in the hospital, again....but , i think i am better for real this time. the neurologist i worked with this time was great. actually made some changes to my meds and did some different med changes while i was in the hospital....while i was laying there this morning waiting to go home, i seen a commercial for some good 'ol southern cooking. yum. and got to thinking of all the things i miss about the south that i dont have here.... a list:

-waffle house. everytime i visit GA, this is one place we MUST visit.
-chic-fil-a. this too, we MUST visit.
-down town. the city in general. MISS IT. so.much.
-centennial olympic park. when i went to GA state, i lived in walking distance. and many a nights id walk there and just sit. loved it.
-southern accents. i admit, i hated it at fist, but i grew to love it. sometimes i turn on food channel just to hear paula deen. an interesting fact, paula deen's son married a girl i went to high school with and played club soccer with forever.
-warm weather. dont even need to comment...
-southern hospitality. everyones just so nice yall.
-being close to the beach. no one can complain about this.
-the big houses. they are everwhere. i cant help be enamored by it....
-the best stores. EVER. perks of a city....
-the best restaurants.
-famous people randomly about in lennox mall.

oh geesh. i better stop now. this list could get soooo long. :)

back and ready to go....

2009-01-21T08:20:00.000-08:00

well, im still here....i didnt cancel my internet b/c lo and behold i am still under contract. but i got a different version, so its much cheaper....this last week has been a big mess...

we changed the wedding date. to when? i dont even know....i think its 12/20/09. which is a sunday. cheaper, no minimums. not my idea and wasnt too crazy about it, but ive decided that my day will be special no matter what or where. b/c kelly will be there... (sappy i know) so i have to contact the photographer, dj and others to change the date, etc. hopefully it wont cause problems. keep your fingers crossed.

i spent the last 2 days in the hospital. with a migraine that was going on 2 weeks. i kept 'rebounding'-which is when the medicine they give you temporarily takes the headache away, only for the headache to come back even worse....so that has sucked. however, i feel WONDERFUL. today i woke up at 7am, ready to take the world on. kelly stayed at my house to make sure i was okay, and when he came out the emersyn's room this morning, he immediately could tell i was better. i have been very hesitant to not over work myself-cleaning, laundry...all the things that have piled up since being out of commission... for fear of my headache returning. they are switching some of my meds and i am watching my diet-there are certain things that can trigger migraines. i want this to be done and over with. these migraines have taken over my life and im ready to take it back.

i have a job interview this afternoon, and am very hopeful....i also am going to set forth my appeal for being terminated tomorrow. i have been working/talking with a lady from the quality dept. at my former job, and she thinks an appeal is possible. you may wonder why i want to go back to a job that fired me....well, the organization i work(ed) for is one that i have worked for the last 8 years, and is a great organization. they also pretty much 'rule' the fox cities area for jobs. so if i dont work for them, it is near impossible to find a job.

aside from that, i will be spending the next couple weeks getting healthy, finding a job and getting in touch with the appropriate people to make changes for the wedding date....say a prayer for a job and continuing with good health......i need it.

what is this world coming to?

2009-01-15T11:22:00.000-08:00

so-have ya'll seen this crazy chic who is auctioning off her virginity for millions of dollars? to pay for school? and supposedly she wants to get a degree in 'marriage counseling' or something of the sort. the last i checked, it was up to 3.7 MILLION dollars. are you KIDDING me? what is this world coming to? oh yes, shes going to make mom and dad REAL proud. what a dandy. and WHY is prostitution legal in las vegas???? this makes no sense to me. its illegal everywhere else in the US-but nevada. i know they are trying to legalize it in cali right now...but agh it makes me SICK.

today school was cancelled. nope, not because of the snow my friends. it is a whopping -40 degrees outside. beautiful isnt it? i let sampson out and he couldnt even climb up the steps b/c he was frozen. my wash maching wouldnt work this morning bc the cold water pipes were frozen.

no changes on the job front... :/ while there remains a national shortage for nurses-the fox valley is one of the rare areas that is NOT suffering from a shortage. there are NO jobs around here. its possible that i may have to find a waitressing job or something in the interim until i can find a full time nursing job again. im get heart palpitations just thinking about that possibility. not that theres anything wrong with waitressing. i actually loved it-i just thought i closed that chapter forever... just putting my trust in God. when one door closes, another shall open. and who can forget my infamous bible verse that i have tattooed on my ribcage...jeremiah 29:11.. 'For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

crash into me

2009-01-12T18:09:00.000-08:00

just when i thought things couldnt get any worse.....they have. i lost my job today. not going to get into the messy details. just that it happened. and i feel like my life has come crashing down. officially. down. all wedding talk will cease here for a while....

can i just say that all the years i spent wishing my parents were 'cooler' or 'not so strict', or all the years i wish i had 'so and so's parents' b/c they were 'so cool' were the dumbest years ever? because i have the most amazing parents ever. they have supported me and stood by me in my darkest hours. no matter how many times i have hurt them (and its been a lot), they have never, never left my side. and they have never failed me. my mom stopped over unannounced today and pulled me out of my bed, literally. and hugged me. and held me. and i made her leave. and i know she didnt take it personally b/c she knew i needed to be by myself. my daddy came over 5 hrs later and bought me a rose and some soup. and a card. and held me. and cried. its the first time ive ever seen my dad cry. ever. that hurt. but i realized how much i am loved in those moments. i mean, i never doubted it, but sometimes among my 5 other sisters, i get jealous of them.....how can i not? they are wonderful. but the truth is, they love us each, in our own way. me, b/c i am beautifully broken. my dad and i sat for an hour and a half and talked about what next. and the hugest weight was lifted off my chest when he left. not just knowing that my earthly father (and mother) love me sooo incredibly much, but that my Heavenly Father love me so much. i am far from okay, but the cloud has lifted, and i know that God has a plan somehow and somewhere in all this.

and also, not just the most amazing parents, but family and friends too. thank you for your love.
its quite possible that i may be out of blogosphere for a while-due to not having a job-dont worry the hunt is on...but until i find one, i need to cancel my internet and save where i can....so i may be MIA for a while.....but have no fear-its not goodbye, just goodnight....

resigned.

2009-01-11T10:07:00.000-08:00

well, after having somewhat of a nervous breakdown this weekend, i have realized that i need to get it together. yep. i was an emotional wreck all day yesterday. chalk it up to some looonnngg over due PMS-or tears. i havent cried in a long time, and i guess i just needed to do that. and i guess i really needed to deal with some things that have been on the surface-but not really dealt with....my mom kinda woke me up to it, in her kind loving mom way. *sigh*. of course, i wanted to be mad at her-only b/c i knew she was right, but after crying, and crying and well, more crying. i sat down and reality set in. i need to get my shit toghether. aka, my finances. its nearly impossible to plan this wedding if i cant make it paycheck to paycheck....so i sat down with my finances and kell, and made our plan.

i wallowed for a while, b/c once again, the realization that all things i want for my wedding are not going to happen. but then, i hopped on my little bloggy, and found some of my favs, and realized that hey-there are TONS of things i can do MYSELF that are just as neat and elegant-without having to spend an arm and a leg. so my spirits have lifted some and i have a new attitude.

kell and i also had a looonnng talk on our 'swing'. its this swing in my garage, which is its resting place for the winter. we often go sit out there all bundled up when we need to talk about stuff away from the kids....we have some of our best talks here. and worst....but its become an important place for us. we laugh and cry (well i do) and lean on each other. we caroused the internet and looked at silly stuff.

i really need to get motivated and start working out again. agh. ive been on strike since my duathalon at the end of october. im afraid to even attempt to run right now. its just soooo cold out right now and my Y membership expired. i wish it would get warm out. and clearly that is going to happen um, never. im feeling a little fluffy right now, but cant get motivated. blah.

if i had a wii, itd be another story. i want one sooo bad. am madly addicted to guitar hero like an addict is to crack. its not good. kelly, too. we spent the afternoon at his sister's yesterday and the both of us ended up being poor company b/c we were so addicted to the game, you couldnt tear us away. such craziness. who knew??

not my week.

2009-01-09T19:44:00.000-08:00

agh. im in a funk. :/ not a blogging funk. a funk in general. im getting over having a migraine for 3 1/2 days and work has been stressful, and im feeling sorry for myself. well, not even really sorry for myself, just in one of those moods where i want to cry-and have really not reason to cry, ya know? its kinda like i feel like im being ganged up on in a few different areas of my life and i just dont want to stand up and deal with it right now. i simply dont have the energy. im exhausted. physically and emotionally. i kindof want to just lay in my bed and wallow. i know, im being a baby....but do you ever just have these moments? to top it off, bed time for the kids has been a battle lately and its like at the end of a looonnng day, you just want to put the kids to bed and have your quiet time....and it hasnt been happening.....out of no where....emersyn has decided to go on strike. and jaelynn cant sleep all the sudden. so my 'quiet time' in the evening, the time when i get to blog, or relax, has been stolen. how dare they! ;) i know, the throes of parenthood. its a stage, i know. i am just a bit overwhelmed, is all.

and after giving my florist my 'budget'-who is also my cousin, even with the 'family discount'-i am not going to be able to do the things i want to do, so that is disheartening. i just have so many ideas of what i want my 'day' to be, and ive already had to compromise a lot b/c of our strict budget, and it keeps dwindling down and down, and i just feel like soon its going to be nothing like i want it to be b/c we cant afford the things i 'want'.... :/ trying to keep a positive attitude and think of areas to save, etc, but hard to not be bummed out...

i need a vacation. ha. whats that?

i start my new job in 1 1/2 wks, so thats something to look forward to, since my paycheck has been almost less than half of what it usually is b/c of them cutting my hours d/t the poor economy and us not having a busy surgery schedule lately..... eek! so at least ill be making a more steady income (yay!) and more money (double yay!).

still havent heard anything about grad school....its only been 2 wks since i applied, but it feels like forever already. keep your fingers crossed and say a prayer for me. :) and for a better week.... i could use it.

i resolve.....

2009-01-01T11:31:00.000-08:00

i hate resolutions. but still make them. i think we probably all feel the same way about them....we hate them, but we still make them.....vowing to try a little bit harder to do this or that or quit this or that and the list goes on. and by next week or month, old habits die hard. i never really understood the point of new year's resolutions-i mean, why do you have to wait until the new 'year' to make a change? why not today or tomorrow? but, i still fall into the same madness everyone else does. its maddening. i refuse to do it-but find myself resolving to do this better or that better and so forth. so here goes nothing:

*most importantly, i want to be a better mom. i actually try to do this everyday. some days are definately easier than others, but sometimes i find myself not wanting to put forth the effort to DO anything. sounds bad, i know-but as you all know, i am a pretty darn honest person. so shoot me. i want to put down the vacuum cleaner or toilet brush when the girls ask me to come play and just play. i can always clean later. i want to worry less about the silly things and focus more on THEM and our relationship as parent and child. especially jaelynn. she is going thru so much with kelly and i getting married and accepting that fact that shawn (her dad) isn't there for her, and it is so critical a point in her young life.

*i want to be a better 'wife'. okay, well we arent technically married yet, but you get the jists of it. i want to whine less about stupid stuff and not pick fights just to pick fights. i want to appreciate kelly more. i want to love better.

*i want to have a better attitude at work. enough said. i get whiny sometimes. :)

*i want to lose 20 lbs. there is always a weight resolutions. ALWAYS. but thats okay. if i dont lose 20lbs, how about looking smoking hot in my wedding dress? ill take that.

*i want to get into grad school. and if i do, i want to do well in grad school. ive always poo-poohed school. im ready to take it seriously.

*another most importantly, i want to stay on track with God. because without Him, i cant go anywhere. I want/need to keep Him central of all things.

hmm. i could go on and on and on with this list. seriously. but i think thats a good start for me. what about you? what have you resolved to do this year in 2009?

wait, what?

2008-12-20T11:25:00.000-08:00

last night after i left work, i ran to wal-mart to get some groceries. i reveled in my solo trip to the store-since its a rare occurance to go anywhere by myself...so i was wondering thru the pet department to get dog food for sampson, and i see this couple. the dude is wearing a black wife beater type tank top and jeans. thats it. and the chic is wearing a denim mini skirt with a tank top and knee high boots. wha??? its single digits outside, and snowing. seriously?

on a separate note....i have decided to go back to school. to get my master's degree. and be a nurse practitioner. ive been thinking about it a lot, but ive made my decision. i applied today. im trying not to get too excited b/c its a hard program to get into. very hard. and its also the last semester that they are doing a master's program for nursing. which means they will be even more picky about who they choose into the program....so, we'll just what happens. its for the fall semester. i have to do a written interview, face to face interview and have to have 3 letters of recommendations.... just to get in. im already nervous. eh. but im not going to worry about it....ive got enough to worry about...

the first official wedding post....

2008-12-17T13:52:00.000-08:00

before i get into an 'all things wedding post'....isnt it funny how 30 degrees feels 'warm' after a week of 20 below zero weather? yeah. thats pretty f*d up. and we are currently amidst 'snowstorm dawn', who is bringing another 8 inches of snow. seriously, very over the snow and its not even january. we've gotten over 25 inches of snow so far. snowiest winter in 110 years!

to moving along. i have kinda been stumped about what to write about in this 'first official wedding post'. so, ill start with something kinda boring. i know, i know....the budget...i have 6(!) sisters. three of which have already been married. tradition says that parents of the bride pays for the wedding. thats not neccesarily the case this day in age, however my parents have given all of us girls a certain amount toward our day. anything above and beyhond that amount, we are responsible for. i dont have very much money. if you look back on some of my posts, youll read on my money struggles. while i would love a lavish affair, i refuse to put myself in further debt over this one day....so, kelly and i have sat down and come up with a very strict budget. i have some things that i HAVE to have 'nice' of-one of which being photography. so we both agreed that that was an area that we were willing to spend more on. knowing that, we also knew that then we were going to have to cut cost somewhere else....we have a lot of planning to go, however, we actually have most of the big stuff done.

-reception site/catering booked.
-photographer booked.
-cake lady booked.
-dj booked.
-florist booked. (my cousin is a florist)
-wedding dress bought.
-bridesmaid dresses picked out.
-flower girls dresses bought.
-church booked.

yeah i know....but how it all started was that i simply was researching companies b/c i needed to know the costs of things so i could start saving. well, once i started, i got a deal on the DJ ($400 off) b/c of the time of year (winter), so we went ahead and booked him. and so it went from there....i am a big planner. i dont like to be suprised, and like i said, we have to stay with in our budget, so the more time we have to save, the better...

sometimes i get jealous browsing blogs of brides-to-be with all their lavish ideas and beatiful ideas for their weddings, wishing i could have that-knowing that there is no way i can have that...but i know that our day will still be wonderful, and we will be able to incorporate a lot of neat special things. a really neat thing i have found thru all the bride blogs is the cool DIY projects, etc....any ideas-pass them on to me...i love them! happy friday!

the official count down begins....

2008-12-11T06:33:00.001-08:00

drum roll please.....

one year from today....i will be a blushing bride! yay! in the freezing snow! not so yay! but it wont matter, because i will be so over the moon.... :) so, now you all will be bored with my countdown to wedding day. because it will start...NOW...so, be preprared for some wedding talk (more of anyway) and stresses, in addition to my already chaotic life. arent you excited?

anyway, jaelynn is home with the flu, so i must return to my motherly duties now.

365 days!!!!!!!! woot-woot!

the delirium has set in

2008-12-09T19:38:00.000-08:00

i stole this from rachel...(she has fun ones :)) am stuck at work....so check it out....

The rules are...
1. Put your iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG TITLE DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the meme as well as the person you got the meme from.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
'bleed it out' linkin park

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
'where my girls at' 702

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
'wild horses' dave matthews band

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
'crazy in love' beyonce/jay-z

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
'hearts fall' edwin mccain

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
'irrplaceable'-beyonce

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
'the blowers daughter'-damien rice

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
'mockingbird'-eminem

WHAT IS 2+2?
'bed'-j. holiday

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
'the story'-brandi carlisle

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
'sippin on some syrup' -three 6 mafia

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
'do you remember'-jack johnson

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
'creep'-tlc

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
'flood'-jars of clay

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
'faint'-linkin park

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
'in god's hands'- nelly furtado

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
'run it'-chris brown

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
'satellite'-dave matthews band

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
'days go by'-keith urban

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
'emotions'-destiny's child

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
'the curse of curves'-cute is what we aim for

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
'say it right'-nelly furtado

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
'freak like me'-adina howard

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
'leavin'-jesse mcartney

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
'u make me wanna'-usher

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
'dear lie'-tlc

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
'stay'-dave matthews band

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
'by the way'-red hot chili peppers

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
'none of your business'-salt n peppa

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
'your my angel'-dru hill

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
'let you down'-daves matthews band

ADDENDUM:
not related to my little survey, but little (big) snowstorm carter can SUCK IT. i spent over 2 hours snow blowing this morning over 8 inches of snow from my driveway. not.cool. i am sooo tired. my co worker and i are making foolish delerious comments back and forth we are so tired.

on a positive note, i found our bridesmaid dresses! woot-woot! if i ever figure out blogger, i will post an outside picture of the dress....

and by gones will be by gones....

2008-12-07T18:19:00.001-08:00

we had kell's surprise 30th birthday party last night....we had been planning it for about a month. and he had NO clue. it was awesome. however....he was a force to be reckoned with last night, getting him out to the location of the party. aye....i cooked him dinner first and then we were going to meet his sister for a drink....so i had to 'stall' after dinner until it was time for the party to start....well, one can only do this for so long with kelly....he was getting crabby, and evil...and almost to the point where he didnt want to go out at.all. but-we pulled it off, and he was completely surprised, and had a blast. his whole family was there, and that was great. i have known them forever. his sister casie and i used to be best friends. in fact, thats how kell and i first met, was thru her. i wont get into it all in this post, but the long and short of it is that we had a falling out and stopped being friends when kell and i got back together (before i was pregnant with emersyn). and then everything kell and i went thru when emersyn was born and there after, custody battle, etc and then getting back together--it put us--both our families thru the wringer. anyway, its been a slow process for casie and i especially, to mend our friendship. we were the best of friends. like bff. but in our heart of hearts, when push comes to shove, i love the girl with all my heart. and id do anything for her. we have finally moved forward, and put the past--in the past. i dont think our friendship will ever be the same, but perhaps itll be better, in a different, more grown up way. we both are 'adults' now, and we both have learned soo much in these last few years, with our own families and lives and thru what we've gone thru as a result of kelly and i's relationship. last night was the first night that we acutally talked about it- 'the past' and moving forward, casie and i. and that we missed each other and each others friendship. it meant a lot-to both of us. and was a big step for us--not just for her and i, but for all of us in her family. i feel like they have finally accepted me-and realized that kelly and i are meant to be with each other and how much we do love each other. and that we are willing to work thru anything to make our relationship work. and that we have the love to make it thru anything. so-it was a great night. kelly was smiles all night....he had a blast. im sooo glad he had fun. and i had a blast. i love that man so much, and i love his family. and its a huge weight lifted off my chest to feel like we can finally let by gones be by gones.....

the pics are kell and i. and the other one is casie and i..... :)

enough already.

2008-12-04T13:28:00.000-08:00

im sick of the snow. already. mostly, its the cold. its unseasonably cold here. like in the negatives. its not cool. and i dont like it.

one word

2008-12-04T13:20:00.000-08:00

One Word

I stole this one word, random post from rachel, from history of the harveys. im stuck at work and it looks like fun, so- if you want to play, copy and answer the following with one word:

Where is your cell phone? Purse
Where is your significant other? home
Hair color? dkbrwn
Your mother? wonderful
Your father? packerman
Your favorite thing? reading
Your dream last night? forget
Your dream/goal? debtfree....
The room you’re in? Prep
Your hobby? running
Your fear? losingthegirls (okay, thats more than one word)
Where do you want to be in 6 years? debtfree....
Where were you last night? home
What you’re not? hungry
One of your wish-list items? honeymoon
Where you grew up? wisconsin
The last thing you did? drink
What are you wearing? scrubs
Your TV? heavy
Your pet? sampson
Your computer? macbook
Your mood? restless
Missing someone? Yes
Favorite store? hmmmm
Our summer? memorable
Love someone? unconitionally
Your favorite color? red
When is the last time you laughed? now
Last time you cried? weeks

no regrets

2008-11-29T17:16:00.000-08:00

i remember the day that i left georgia for good.... jaelynn's dad and i had split up. jae was only 6 months old, i was only 20 years old. my parents and family lived in wisconsin. i was young, naive and had become fiercly dependent on shawn. i called my parents the day before, in tears, thinking my life as i knew it was over.... 'can you come and get me?' my parents, though they supported me, never really approved of my relationship with shawn. he was ten years older than me, had a history of drugs and alcohol and partying and never could really hold a steady job. they dropped everything they were doing, and made the 20 hour drive to north georgia to come take me and my baby home. i was so lost. i had once been known to be a strong, independent girl, but thru my relationship with shawn, i had gotten caught up with drugs, alcohol and become this girl who didnt even know how to stand on her own two feet. as i packed my belongings, tears flowed, how was i going to go on? my little girl wasnt going to have a daddy anymore, my friends, my life-it was all there in georgia. my relationship with my parents was a bit strained due to my relationship with shawn-but they embraced me and held me when they arrived. they helped me pack everything in the truck, and my dad didnt lecture me when he found a bong in the basement.... as we drove out of the georgia mountains, i remember crying hysterically, thankful for being alone in my car, following my parents in their truck, to have my 'last moments' of the place that i called home by myself.

fast forward. to today. i think about that girl on that day, in the year, or two years to follow-and who she was and i am amazed....i miss georgia everyday. the mountains. my best friends ever. the city. the southern food. the southern accents. southern hospitality. but that life. no. id never go back. it took me at least a year, two years before i could stand on my own two feet. i had become so dependent on shawn that i had to re-grow up.... but i did it. with the help of my loved ones, and God, i did it. in fact, i became so independent, that when kelly and i first started dating again, it was very difficult for me to let myself learn to depend again on someone....shawn has not been very involved in jae's life-and thats his choice. he calls about every 6 or 7 montsh (usually on the holidays). i spent the first year and half trying soo hard to get him to be a part of her life, but i learned that i cant make him...he will realize someday that he is missing out on the greatest love ever, his childs. i have always told him that i will NEVER say anything bad to jaelynn about him, regardless of how i feel about him, and i have kept my word. because i want her to be able to make her own decisions about whether she wants to have a relationship with him or not when shes old enough. and when shes 16 and wants nothing to do with him-it will have been HER own decision and i will have done nothing to sway her choice-it will have been all on him. i believe that she will truly see him for what he is (or isnt) some day. its hard to watch-seeing your child have to hurt is the most painful pain one can endure. jaelynn has seen him one time since we left, about a year and a half ago. she spent the day with him, and had a good time. she clings to that memory with all her heart. she has had a hard time with the fact of kelly and i getting married, even though she loves kelly with all her heart. she admits that she blames kelly for shawn not being there. even though its not kelly's fault...kelly treats jae like his own daughter, always has, even before emersyn was born. he calls her his daughter, and is amazing with her. it kills me the way jaelynn hurts, this all recently came to a head-and we have started taking her to a counselor. the counselor tells me that though she knows i want to protect her from shawn hurting her with empty promises-like him telling her he'll come and visit and not, like he has several times, i have to let him let her down so that she will see what kind of person he is. and the best thing i can do when he hurts her is to love her....that is sooo hard. but i never thought of it that way. for so long i have tried to protect her. i have so much hatred toward shawn for hurting her, and because it is affecting jaelynn's relationship with her and kell, and us as a family-but i know it will get better.

the reality of it is, i have no regrets thinking about that day i left. (obviously). i miss my friends soo much-but they are in my heart, and we stay in close touch. i have 2 beautiful girls. they are my sun in my sky and the light of my life. there are days that i would like to quit motherhood, but we all have those days....and of course, i dont really want to quit, take a break, maybe....but it is amazing to think that these two girls are mine, and are a product of me....not to mention this wonderful, amazing, loving fiance that i have. who has weathered the worst storm possible with me (ill have to blog about it some day-you guys will be suprised at our story) and stuck by my side thru thick and thin. my first kiss in the 8th grade, my first true love. he loves me for me, flaws and all and would never try to change me. he loves my family. he loves God. there are no regrets. i am the luckiest girl alive.

all in one hours time....

2008-11-26T09:26:00.000-08:00

its no secret that sampson, my stinker of a weiner dog, is constantly up to no good.....so this morning after i took jaelynn to school, emersyn and i sat in the bathroom and played with the hermit crab. sampson was clearly jealous b/c i wouldnt let him in the bathroom, so he decided that he would create all kinds of havoc in the house....

about 45 minutes later, i walked into the kitchen to find a pencil and eraser top chewed to a million plus shreds under the kitchen table. moving along....i went to take my medicine. i keep my drugs in my purse-b/c my purse goes everywhere with me. so im searching everywhere for my seizure medicine...searching, searching. hmmm. thats weird. i just took it last night before i went to bed-so i know it was there last night....i proceeded to empty my purse to no avail. it wasnt there. hmm. i turned around and see sampson with a look of no good on his face....he hides everything under my bed, so i thought, well i have no idea how he would have gotten a hold of it, but i better go look.... first i find a roll of toilet paper-once again, ripped to shreds. lo and behold, my pill bottle-with the COVER OFF and pills all over the floor...who knows if he ate any, but it looked like the majority of them were there....i swear the dog wants to die. seriously. i took him outside to go to the bathroom and he starts eating something....i wandered over to see what he had gotten into....rabbit terds. agh. what possesses him? i mean rabbit poop? he never seizes to amaze me....

im sooo glad to have the day off today and tomorrow. got my housework done today. emersyn has her apron on and has been helping me clean. :) ah, gotta get lunch for the little lady...have a wonderful thanksgiving all. i leave you this picture of the girls scuba diving in my living room :)

turning over a new leaf.

2008-11-25T19:49:00.000-08:00

i got a new job. so i failed to mention that i applied for a new job. mostly b/c if i didnt get it-i didnt want to have to blog about it....its an advancement in my nursing career, a supervising position-which is what i want to do. i eventually want to be a manager, and our hospital is opening a new unit. my old boss is the manager and approached me and asked me to apply for it. so i did. my whole thinking was, if i get it i get it, if i dont, i dont. i am happy in PACU, but im ready to take the next step in my career...and i got it. im kinda sad b/c i wont get to work as close with the surgeons anymore or the anesthesiologists, but i have to look at the big picture...and ultimately-this is a huge opportunity for me. so i am excited about what it brings for me. not to mention, a pay raise and better, more consistent hours. and NO MORE ON CALL!!! woot-woot. and leaving a certain superior *ahem* who i cannot stand....its time.....

tomorrow we are going bridesmaid dress shopping. im excited. for the shopping and mostly just to have my sisters all together, minus a couple and my besties. i love my family sooo much and we always have the best time together. yay for thanksgiving and yummy food as well.

pray for all our troops overseas and away from home during this holiday. we are so fortunate for all the hard work they are doing to keep our country safe and protected. and pray for the general safety of all those traveling during the holiday weekend....

not sure if ill get a chance to post before thanksgiving or not, so without further ado, happy thanksgiving-we have sooo much to be thankful for, even in these 'tough' times.....its easy to forget and take things for granted. i do it, too....simple things like our families and loved ones.....are a blessing, every day.....

we have lift off....

2008-11-24T16:49:00.000-08:00

well friends, we have a church! yay!!!! it is a renovated barn-but it is sooo cute. typically, i hate the word cute, it goes back to my high school days of always being labeled 'cute', never 'hot' or 'pretty' or 'sexy', but 'cute'. it made me feel so like a 'aww-shes not pretty, but shes not ugly, shes just 'cute'.....agh. anyway... but this church is very cute. its very intimate-like not too big, not too small, has big beams and a rustic feel to it. i loved it. and so did kell. not to mention-we really dont have a choice at this point, but im glad i liked it....

it was opening weekend this weekend. you know, 'widows weekend'. dont know what that is? here up in the north, that is opening weekend of gun season for deer hunters. all the men leave their wives/women and go to their huntin' shacks, get drunk, and sit in a deer stand all day and watch for deer. woo-hoo. i never really understood that whole hunting concept. i would get waaayyyy too bored. and cold. not to mention the fact that id probably shoot my foot off or other important body part....

i was on call this weekend. was thinking it was going to be a total money making weekend, it being opening weekend and all-crazy people falling out of deer stands (this happens ALL THE TIME)-so i was all pumped up for the money. well. that definately didnt happen. dead. completely dead. didnt get called in at.all. saturday. which is like a first in PACU history. of course, they wait to call us in until the middle of the night. grand.

we got our first snowfall. what was supposed to be 'some flurries' ended up being about 3 inches. its pretty, but waaaayyy overrated. emersyn was sooo excited. i had to work in the middle of the night (again), so i already knew about the snow-but she proceeded to come and try to drag me out of bed this morning-saying 'come see, come see, im so excited. theres SNOW.' so excited that as soon as we went outside this morning, she immediately, in her regular shoes and clothes, plowed into a big snow pile.....aye. kids......

wedding class 101

2008-11-19T08:32:00.000-08:00

i think it should be required that husbands to be should have to take a 'wedding 101' class or something of the likes... kelly has been wonderful. he really has. however.....(wait for it)....there are just some things he doesnt get. like party favors. or how costly flowers are. or that NO, we cant make our own wedding cake. (serioulsy he said this) or needing to buy your attendants gifts, etc., etc....please understand- i am NOT complaining-i am venting. (is there a difference?)

i have to say though, he has been very involved, which is quite surprising. he came with me and picked out our invitations. and helped pick out the cake. he has learned A LOT so far-and cannot believe how expensive weddings are. (i warned him....)

today we go look at our potential church. oh-i didnt mention that i found a church!!! woot-woot! after contacting over 60 (NO JOKE) churches between appleton and oshkosh (a 30mile radius)-only ONE came back and said they would let us rent it using my pastor. such craziness. hogwosh. its actually an old renovated barn that they turned into a church. it may be interesting. but the pictures looked quite beautiful. at this point-any CHURCH will do. so long as its a church. i just really dont want to have to have it at the reception site. :/ i will let you know how it goes.

i have some exciting news to post in the next month or so-but i will keep you in suspense until then. :)

never ending bridal parties and pigs for dogs...

2008-11-17T16:19:00.000-08:00

over another week has gone by since my last post...life seems pretty crazy of late. first things first.

im normal. wait.....okay, maybe im not normal, but my tests look good. yay! the dr. thinks i just passed out. and if it keeps happening, they will look into it further. works for me. enough about that. agh. so sick of drs. and my health...

jaelynn had to get glasses. poor kid! she looks adorable though. she looks even more intelligent than she did before.... she is loving them, so far anyway. i remember i was sooo excited when i got glasses when i was young-however that lasted like, um 5 minutes...

it snowed today. and then got really icy. and FREEZING. can someone please tell me why i decided to get married in december? in the freezing state of wisconsin??? still havent figured out what possessed myself to have a wedding in the middle of december in below zero temperatures....ill let you know if i figure that one out...

kell and i went to the packer vs bears game yesterday. had a BLAST!!! even more fun since the packers won. the packer-bear rivalry is like georgia-tennessee rivarlry or georgia-florida rivalry. (or insert your biggest college or high school rival here) plus, they had to win if they wanted a chance at the playoffs. we had great seats-12th row.

so i now have officially 10 (!) bridesmaids. i had thought about asking kelly's 3 sisters to be in the wedding, but didnt know....and then kelly and i talked about it and he really, really wanted me to. and well, i had thought about it before we talked about it and did want to. they do a lot for kell and i, so its important for them to be a part of our day, too. so thats exciting. they were surprised and excited, so that made kelly and i happy.

next week is thanksgiving and my sister steph and her familia are coming from kentucky-so im excited since i havent seen them since leah's wedding. yay! i miss her....and then we will all get to go bridesmaid shopping, too, so i am looking forward to that. only one year away-its so far, but i know its going to fly by.....im excited.

my sister leah bought her new puppy, piggy over this weekend. hes a boston terrier-and is precious. hes only 9 weeks old and is sooo cute. emersyn thought he was a real pig for the first 45 minutes.....it was cute. when we finally explained to her that he was acutally a dog, she kinda looked at us like, 'are you sure'? :)

phew.

2008-11-08T14:21:00.000-08:00

i just spent an hour reading all my fav blogs-catching up....i havent been on blogger in over a week, so i am so out of the loop. im in such a funk :/ but reading and cactching up was what i needed.

tuesday morning, around 4am sampson got up to go pee. so i got up, put my house coat on and trudged along to take him outside. he takes forever to go pee....what was weird was i felt suprisingly 'awake'. anyway, i was standing there for about 5 minutes when i had this really weird sensation come over me. i didnt feel light headed or anything, i just felt weird. like my head had goose bumps. its hard to describe. the next thing i remember, i was on the ground and sampson was jumping all over me, trying to 'rouse' me. i was somewhat disoriented, trying to figure out what happend, so i got up and walked in the house. i felt nauseated and proceeded to throw up and went and got back in bed. i laid there for about 5 minutes, trying to figure out what happened, did i pass out? did i have a seizure? so i called my mom and told her what happened. i started to get a really bad migraine. so i went back to bed and around 8am, i called the doctor to make an appointment. they told me i needed to go the ER. so-i did. i spent 8 hrs in the emergency room and after a long day of tests, they still didnt know what happend-syncope vs seizure. so they set me up to have an EEG the next day. i felt like crap and wanted nothing more than to get in my bed, but for an EEG-you have to be very sleep deprived (less than 4 hours of sleep and no caffeine for 24 hrs). so i stayed up the majority of the night and went and had my EEG wednesday morning. I havent gotten any results back yet-and until i do, i cant drive. aaaaaghhh. my MRI of my head was abnormal-no MS, but some kind of congenital defect. so whether or not that affects anything, i dont know, i havent actaully seen my dr. since before the MRI. so now i have to start seeing my neurologist again, which is probably a good thing since ive been getting migraines like once a week again and have this missing artery in my brain-but im sooo sick of not feeling 'good'.....i hate going to the doctors. and due to all my stress, ive been getting cold sores EVERY 2 WEEKS. LITERALLY-the doctor even put me on a daily dose of valtrex to help me from getting them.....enough about that though... just keep me in your prayers...

its getting cold. i think the fall/summer weather has left us for good. today we had a mix of sleet/snow mix at times. yuk. and i hate day light savings! its 4:30 and its already half dark out! something to be excited about-one year, one month and 3 days until our wedding. not that im counting :)today is my parents wedding anniversary. they have been married forever. i think 33 yrs?? crazy.i think i have baby fever. originally, kelly and i were going to wait like 5 or 6 years after we got married before having another baby-but i find myself wanting to try pretty soon after we get married for a baby. i dont want the kids to have too much of an age gap...plus, we were going to wait to have a baby until we bought a bigger house, but we decided that we are going to put an addition onto my house and just live here for a while and get out of debt. kelly is going to go back to school, i am so excited for him. he makes more money than i do, but he just isnt happy and his job is so physically harsh on his body that by 50 he'll have to retire-even being in as good shape he is in. they say that most masons die within 7 years of retiring-thats crazy. and the retiring age is much younger than the average job....he doesnt know exactly what he wants to do yet, but hes thinking criminal justice, teaching, nursing or a paramedic. i could really see him being an elementary teacher, but he doesnt know if he wants to go to school for 4 years....the other degrees he can do in 2 years, but teaching he has to go for 4. i just want him to be happy. we have grown so much in the last 6 months, its crazy. it makes me even more excited for where we are going in our relationship. i am sooo lucky. God has truly blessed me and my girls. he brings me so much joy, but also provides me with such strength. i cant wait to grow old with him.

well, i think thats all for now. hopefully ill get my test results back soon and be able to drive. such a simple luxury taken away-its driving me CRAZY!!!!!! especially since the weather is crappy out so we cant really do anything outside....anyway, God's in control, i trust He will take care of me and get me thru this...

why cant i just be 'whelmed'

2008-10-27T19:03:00.000-07:00

or underwhelmed? or not-at-all whelmed? i know everyone always says 'God never throws anything at you you cant handle' and i believe that....but sometimes i wonder....i have been thru sooo much-just about everything in my short 27 years. granted-there are PLENTY of people who have had it A LOT worse-dont get me wrong. but sometimes i feel like im at the end of my rope. and i cant handle much more. like if one more thing happens....agh.

im falling apart. near the verge of a nervous breakdown. yep. my eye keeps twitching. (seriously, its driving me crazy). we still havent found a church. im having some 'health' issues-which is nothing really new, my doctors are just taking it a bit farther. i have to have an MRI of my head on wed. i am super nervous. they want to rule out MS. (multiple sclerosis.) i know. serious business. im not sure how i feel about it b/c i refuse to think about it....(nurses and drs. are the WORST patients.) but its out of my hands, and in Gods. i am surrendering it to Him. or trying to anyway. :/ im scared. i wont lie. im sure i am fine, but its one of the most difficult to diagnose diseases known. i have an aunt and second cousin who has it. and a lot of my symptoms that i have been having for the last year + are classic MS symptoms. doesnt necessarily mean anything, but its does worry me some. and...im super claustorphobic. my MRI of my back was only 20 min-and they had a hard time with me....and this will take at least an hour and a half....my dr. called me in some ativan-but ive taken that for panic attacks before, and it really doesnt do a whole lot to 'calm' or 'sedate' me....so the anxiety is steadily building. ive talked to some of the anesthesia docs and they said theyd block some extra time on wed. in case they need to come and sedate me....which im sure is going to be the case.

and now my garage door broke tonight. for like the umpteenth time. currently, kelly and my dad are going on um...2 hours outside trying to fix it and ahem....the last i checked, it was in much worse shape than it started. so its not looking good. and did i mention that its 30 degrees outside? with flurries? yeah. cold.

my running has been on hold for the last week b/c i was sick last week due to getting my flu shot and then getting sick as a result of my flu shot....and now they want me to 'hang tight' until they figure out whats wrong with me. so, for those who believe in God, say a prayer for me....

guys have security issues, too...

2008-10-19T18:52:00.000-07:00

so, i watched kelly spend over 30 minutes writing two-3 lined thank you cards to dr. s-the orthopod i work with who fixed his arm and to dr. a, the anesthesiologist who over sought his care during surgery. he even wrote a 'practice' version on scrap paper. i was doing the dishes while he sat at the table, reading out loud to me what he was going to write, and i was thinking 'i cannot believe he is taking this long to write this'.....but i didnt say anything, b/c he was trying soo hard.... bless his heart. but, writing has always been kinda easy for me, and we all know how guys are with expressing their feelings.... for the most part anyway. so as i was washing the dishes, i bought up the subject of going out with one of the drs. i work with and his wife on a date one of these nights. he and kell are a lot alike and i think they'd hit it off. (that sounds weird-i mean i think they would get along well. :))immediately kelly says 'no'. agh. i get defensive b/c i feel like he doesnt want to b/c he is intimidated by the status of the word 'doctor'. i mean, i understand it to a point, but i would never put him in an uncomfortable situation or be friends with shallow people. and if there something i cant stand-its judging people. just bc hes a 'doctor' all of the sudden hes 'better' than you? whatever. so i mumbled under my breath about not having a social life and kelly being anti-social. it left my feathers ruffled and we were irritated with each other. i feel like we have no 'friends' b/c he never wants to step out and get to know other people-and its not like we have to do it all the time, but every now and then, like 1 or twice a month, id like to take a break and go on a date by ourselves or with another couple. we NEED that.

so about an hour after he went home, he called and apologized and said that he just feels 'ashamed' and 'embarrassed' b/c of where he is at with his life. the fact that he isnt working right now (b/c of his arm injury-which he has NO control over) and that is living at home-in an effort to get out of debt. he says he doesnt want to tell people that, especially people who are highly 'successful' i.e. doctors....,or that he doesnt know very well. but he says he understands my need to get out and socialize with other couples and they would do it b/c he loves me and as my 'husband' (i know we arent quite there-but you know what i mean). i told him i understand his insecurities, we all have them but these people are MY friends, and would never judge him unfairly. and just b/c they are 'doctors' doesnt mean anything. they, too, have security issues, b/c outside of their profession, they want nothing more than to be treated like regular PEOPLE. instead, people constantly walk on eggshells around them, and are putting on some fake show, being someone they arent. i guess i didnt realize how 'insecure' he felt about all this...but he needn't .... i tried to reassure him. i am a social person-i mean, i am very content with my life, however-i do feel like i need some friends. i really dont have anyone i call up 'just for coffee' or to go grab a drink. or to go to the park with the kids, other thank kelly or my family members. i need to make some friends in this place....and kelly is the opposite, he feels like he needs nothing more than me and the kids. and his family. and thats fine-our needs vary slightly. so anyway, hopefully, i can get him more comfortable in his shoes and to understand that where he is at is nothing to be ashamed of. quite frankly i think he is at a great place in life. hes got ME :) ha ha

houston, we have a problem

2008-10-14T07:23:00.001-07:00

um. okay. i have a minor problem.

so, i may or may not have planned my whole wedding without calling my church to make sure my day was available.....i mean, there is plenty of time.....so i called today, only to be told that 'we dont do weddings in december' because of the christmas programs, etc. WHAT?!? you.have.got.to.be.kidding.me. she may have stunned me into silence. i was met by 'hello, are you there?' 'ummhmm. okay. thanks. bye.' click. are you freaking kidding me?!?

NOW WHAT? its the friggin dead of winter and 4 of the 7 of my bridesmaids are from down south and would never survive an outdoor wedding, not that i would even think about it. its just not possible. and NO, im not changing the date. i WANT a winter wedding.....grrrr......

any ideas????? maybe we will just elope....that idea is getting better and better..... :/

momentary lapse of insanity

2008-10-13T18:24:00.000-07:00

that last little post, that was me losing, or having done lost my mind.....

i think i have recovered from my little breakdown, temper tantrum, hissy fit, or whatever you want to call it. my kids drove me up the wall and across the ceiling tonight. wow. i mean, wow. its been really crazy lately with kell being out of commission. im like a single mom again. full time. i have to say it has made me really appreciate him and all he does for me-just having him here sometimes keeps me sane. ya know? like they can be going bat shi* crazy and we will just look at each other-and its okay. but now im on my own, pulling my hair out. i DO NOT miss those days. at.all.

kelly always comments on how patient i am. i dont feel like i am. he says it amazes him how patient i am with the kids. ha. coulda fooled me. i feel like im am often too impatient. im feeling so overstimulated and overwhelmed. my head is buzzing. we even went for a walk. i refused to put emersyn in the stroller so she would tucker herself out. let me tell you-she is the turtle of all turtles. hilarious. my family comments on how slow i am....this child is my image.....she is soooo s.l.o.w. but so cute. i kept having to 'race' her to get her to move....apparently the walk did nothing to curve the endless energy of my 2 crazy kids....

speaking of race, i had my duathalon yesterday. i dont event think i mentioned it in my blog....i did a duathalon yesterday. :) there, i mentioned it. it was a 5K run, 32 mile bike, 1 mile run. omg, the weather was gorgeous. the leaves, phenomenal. i even saw a bald eagle on my bike ride. it was good. no panic attacks this time, however- after my run i got a bloody nose. big deal right? well, not really except that in all of my 27 years, i have NEVER, i mean NEVER gotten a bloody nose. it was bizarre. i was pedaling away and i looked down at my hands-and there was blood-everywhere! what the heck i was thinking....i looked down at my legs, thinking i scraped myself or something. no blood. so i just kept pedaling. then i felt something dripping down my face- i had bronchitis all week, so i was still congested in my chest/nose. so i wiped my nose-and blood-everywhere. luckily i had a bunch a kleenex, so i was able to shove some kleenex up my nose, but it was craziness. weird things happen to me when i do these things!!! what is my body telling me?! at about mile 15, i hit somewhat of a 'wall'-i wasnt really tired-just started getting bored and my butt hurt from biking. so i started singing to myself and being weird....it was grand. :) and then the last mile of the bike, my stomach decided to go on strike. oh.dear. i prayed it could just hold on until i was done running.....but it was not happy. if youve ever done a duathalon, you know after doing a long bike and going into a run-your calves tend to cramp up-and omg, mine did worse than the last time i did.....it was horrible.but i kept running. veeerrry sllllooooww, at sloths pace, but i kept going....at the 1/2 mile mark, my stomach issues kicked in full effect and i was squeezing my butt cheeks together....it was horrible. bbbuttt, i finished. almost one of the last people, but thats okay. :) i did it. and i feel pretty good today, my neck hurts from biking, but thats pretty much it.

ahhh. i have had approxamitely 10 minutes of silence now. could it be that the rascals have finally fallen asleep????