child #2

my #2 child is such a diva. well, my #1 is too, but thats already been established, but emersyn is hard core. first, she is like die hard obsessive compulsive chap sticker. every 2 minutes, its more lip gloss on. forget candy, snacks and treats, she wants lip gloss. and she has it down to an art form. she can put it on perfectly. i swear i didnt make her this way. the only make up i wear is mascara, eyeliner and, well, okay, i admit, lip gloss. but i certainly dont use it every 5 minutes! sheesh!

and now we are currently in the process of potty training her. (yay!) in which, she is doing wonderful. all except the pooping part. which im not to concerned about, b/c i figure it will come with time and as she gets the hang of it. anyway, we decide to go for a walk tonight to the park with the kids. we get to the park and lo and behold, we are in the middle of jazzfest. eh. kells all excited. whatev. not really my cup of tea. but we proceed to move to the playground. i notice that emersyn starts to do her little squirm. you know, the tell tale squirm kids do when they have to go to the bathroom...so i ask her if she has to go. and she says yes. well, all that is available are por a pottys. great. this ought to interesting.... jae had to go too, so being the 'big sister', she went first. (shes such a honey.) all it took was one look in the hole of the toilet and emersyn said 'nope, i dont gotta go'. hogwash. i knew she had to go. but she refused. gah. she was relentless. wouldnt go. so i said okay. dont go in your pants. and we continued to play on the playground. all was fine and dandy . i mean, this is the kid who has held her bladder for over 18 hrs before. kell and i were sitting on a park bench watching the girls run up and down the playground when all of the sudden we saw the flood gates open. whoosh. literally. wwhhhooosh. pee everywhere. oh.dear. kell jumped up and swiped her up as fast as he could. 'what do i do' he says. i said what do you mean. we gotta go. we didnt think to pack any extra clothes, we were just going to the park, plus she hasnt had an accident in over 3 days! she was devastated. all because she wouldnt go on the portopotty. now granted, i hate those things, too, but let me tell you, these were like the cadillac of portopotty's. they were nice. and clean. and did not smell. they even had a hand washing station/sink outside of them!

tsk tsk. emersyn......my little diva girl. :) i can only hope her standards are this high when it comes to men......

woes from the premenstrual queen

beware of the premenstrual queen.

i am having one of my few emotional breakdowns i am afraid...you know, the kinds that start off crying for one reason and then every other emotion that has been building up for the last hmmm, 4 months comes out. and suddenly its Niagara falls and i cant stop crying....it started earlier this week.

so ive been training for my relay marathon. so exciting. finally back in shape. feels great. however, enter this numbness/tingling pain that has been radiating down my legs for the last 6 months on and off....its back. worse than ever. i actually thought i was going to have to go to the ER earlier this week b/c my leg was so numb/weak/painful. so the neurosurgeon i work with and have been consulting with, had initially put me on steroids, which helped. he told me to lay off running for a bit, and i did and it got better. then it came back this week-so he says i need an MRI, he thinks i have a bulging/herniated disc. which probably means surgery. so that has been really bumming me out-not to mention im in a lot of pain. but he put me on another dose of steroids to get me over the hump until my MRI...

then, i was reading marley and me. wonderful book. and then i got toward the end. and started bawling my eyes out. hysterically. jaelynn threatened to take the book away from me b/c she doesnt like to see mom cry. omg. broke my heart. it was still a wonderful book, but you know, it was sad at the end.....and thats when the real breakdown started....

jae starts school again on tuesday. ive been upset all week b/c i didnt get to take her school shopping this summer at all. growing up, that was a tradition we had every summer at the end of summer. my mom would take all of us sisters school shopping. it was no extravagant affair, but we got some cool new clothes to start the new year. and i wasnt able to do that with jae b/c i cant afford it. and she was talking about school as i was tucking her in for bed tonight and it just broke my heart. she already has her clothes picked out for the first day of school, with shoes that are almost too small. my kids have nice clothes, but i havent been able to just buy them something for 'fun' or just 'because' in who knows how long. and i take full responsibility for it....its my own doing, but i have been working over 40 hrs a week for almost 5 months steady and still cant get ahead. and im going crazy. i didnt have money to buy neither of my sisters birthday presents or my nieces or nephews birthdays this summer. and i know they all 'understand', but its not fun being the one person in the family who cant afford to buy any gifts bc they are 'too broke'. but i still am not barely even making enough-at 40 hr a week to make it. its like something always comes up. my prescription runs out, or sampson gets sick, or more hospital bills (which are INSANE). here it is the end of the summer, and i didnt get to take my kids anywhere FUN this summer. not because i didnt want to, because i couldnt afford to. i had 2 weeks of vacation, which i had to work-b/c i couldnt afford to not to. i just feel like i have failed my kids miserably. i told jae at the beginning of the summer that we'd go to a water park sometime this summer. and we couldnt. i couldnt go visit my friends in georgia b/c i couldnt afford it, which has been a yearly trip up until this year. and everyone (including myself) keeps saying, itll get better, but im beginning to wonder if it is going to. seriously. i dont know how long i can stay above like this before i start to sink....

in an effort to save (more) money, i am going to be canceling my Internet and my cable. i dont watch tv-the only reason i have my satellite is for the animal planet, discovery channel and disney for the kids. i told jae tonight, and she was devastated. but i dont know what else to do. i dont allow them to watch that much tv anyway, so i think shell manage.... i told her we'll just rent movies from the library. as for the internet, i may be lost. kelly was speechless. he knows how much i love my internet. its my haven when the kids go to bed. thats why i dont watch tv.....once the kids are in bed, i hop on the computer. i figure i can use the internet at work. i may not get to do all that i can do from home, but my parents have internet and so does kell, so i can make it.....and hopefully, its just temporary. once i get some of these small credit cards paid off, they are done-so thatll help....all the cc are cancelled, and have been, its just a matter of getting them paid off.

what possessed me? what demon came over me in those 8 months? i wish, so desperately wish i could turn back time and make some of my financial decisions over. i think i was just so excited to be on my own, finally, like really on my own. in a house. that was mine. i owned a house. for sooo long, i had been 'independent', but yet dependent b/c i lived at home with my parents with my kids yet. i worked so hard to get thru college as a 'single mom' and blah, and blah....and now the freedom of caught up with me. bad. and now i am paying for it. bad. i am starting to have hard core anxiety over this though. at my dr. appointment today, my dr. even commented on me having anxiety-which is really NOT like me. its hard to talk to anyone in my family about my money woes-especially my parents, b/c i feel like such a letdown to them. i have already made so many mistakes-and so the fact that i have 'messed up again' comes as 'no surprise'-and so it HURTS me immensely to let them down. so as i sink deeper and deeper, i feel like i have no one to go to to ask for help and talk to about it. or my sisters. kelly understands, but he, too just kindof shakes his head at me in disappointment.

i mostly just hate that my kids have to suffer b/c of my mistakes. jaelynn, my smart little 7 year old, is waaaayyy to wise for her own good. she knows more than i give her credit for. when i dont think shes listening, she is. she knows mom is struggling. and sometimes makes comments. or says things like, 'you can use my money' or 'good thing you get paid today'. and it just breaks my heart. i do my best to not let her see it-but she is a keen child. she can sense things and she just knows.

i f'ed up. big time. *sigh*

hehe.....some funniness for all.

one of the docs printed this off and handed it to me...he figured i needed a laugh...

these are the top 9 comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Olympics they would like to take back:

drum roll please:

1. Weight lifting commentator:
'this is gregorieva from bulgaria; i saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.

2. Dressage commentator:
'this is really a lovely horse and i speak from personal experience since i once mounted her mother.'

3. paul hamm, gymnast:
'i owe a lot to my parents, especially to my mother and father.'

4. boxing analyst:
'sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. softbal announcer:
'if history repeats itself, i should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. basketball analyst:
'he dribbles a lot and the opposition doesnt like it. in fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7. at the rowing medal ceremony:
'ah, inst that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the Cox of the british crew.'

8. soccer commentator:
'julian dicks is everywhere. its like they've got 11 dicks on the field.'

9. tennis commentator:
'one the reasons andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them, oh my god, what have i just said?'


haaaaa. i have to admit, some of these would have been funny to see in person....snatch? who says that on TV? i mean, i know that must be some weight lifting term i obviously am not familiar with, but geesh!

blogger funk

yes, thats what ive been in. agh. i just havent been feeling it lately. but im back. so have no fear. but wow, i logged on, and blogger has a whole new look. craziness.

so, all these years i think i have missed my true calling. i thought i was supposed to be a nurse. im compassionate, personable and loving, right? but this weekend, i experienced something new. a renewed sense of being. something that doesnt exhaust me physically or emotionally. it doesnt require great skill, well, some, but not a huge amount of concentration anyway. it allows me to be with those i love, and has the potential to pay great money. folks, i am talking GOLF.yes. i played my first round of golf ever. im thinking of going pro. i am a master of this game. i golfed a 96 on 9 holes. okay, soooo maybe i should rethink that part about going pro. but, at any rate, kelly and i had a great time. i really didnt do that bad. we decided i had 2 things going for me 1)i hit it every time (as opposed to whiffing it) and 2)i never once went off the fairway (meaning i hit it STRAIGT. so i have a new 'hobby' and kelly was muy excited that i finally got out there with him...

so, i decided to have my first ever rummage sale this past weekend. i was sooo excited! i had some nice little items to sell. some nice leap from baby toys, some of the girl's clothes, home accessories, and some home furniture, etc. now, i am not a rummage sale person-so i dont know the ins and outs of rummage sale-ing, but i was all gung-ho. i put an ad in the paper and made signs. so saturday rolls around. my first customer was an elderly lady of about 65. no go. im thinking-no problem, just not the right client. the next few customers, nothing. wtf. so, im near panic, and its only 30 minutes into the rummage sale. i already start slashing prices. i call my mom. no answer. my dad calls. kelly calls. 'i told you so' (kelly, of course told me to 'not waste my time') not to be deterred, i held my chin up and waited patiently. i had lots of good stuff to sell! humpf. well folks. i sat. and sat. and sat. i sold about $43 worth of stuff. and $36 of it was to my mother. can we say biggest.flop.ever? and goodwill. here.i.come.=tax.deductible. so, yes, it was a wasted of times, and effort. but...oh well. lesson learned. no more rummage sales for me.

jae starts school next week. i cant decide who's more excited, me or her. (just kidding, well kind of....hehe.)

well, blogging hiatus is over. dont want to bog you down with a uuber long blog....

thoughts to ponder upon

invincible-to powerful to overcome or be defeated.

why is it that people think they are invincible? why do we say 'it wont happen to me' or 'im a good driver' or 'ive got it under control'? when the truth of the matter is, we dont. we have control over only so much. the rest? that is out of our hands. it irks me, and always has, when people have this attitude. sure-YOU maybe be a good driver, so you THINK you dont need your seat belt, but what about the freak coming down the road-who ISNT a good driver and has been drinking? and then crosses over the center line. its over-in an instant. the next thing you know, well guess what, there is no next thing. and now your family is left behind to pick up the pieces of what is left of your spirit and soul.

or you, who rides down the road looking all cool on your motorcycle with no helmet. do you know how cool youd look as a crowd of people look on at what is left of you or your skull? oh-waaaiit. you are no longer alive, so you dont know. once again, you may be 'the best driver ever', but you dont know about that deer wandering on the side of the road, about to cross your path.

or you, doctor, who thinks you fix it all. you get to put the pieces, physically, emotionally, psychologically, back together again. you work furiously to fix me, not realizing that you can only control so much. you cant control my body's response to the shock of trauma, or the stress of blood loss. you cant control the fact that it took 2 hours for the to extricate my body from a vehicle. its out of your hands.


we all do this. i do it, you do it. i see it a lot in my profession. i see it a lot in my daily life. but the reality is, there really is only so much that we can control. so. my point, take control of what you can. put your seatbelt on. your seatbelt-it will save you. you hear the very very few cases where the 'seatbelt would have killed me', but i assure you, you are more likely to walk away alive from a car accident when you do have it on. it could be the ONE time you think, 'ah-im just going down the road to get gas', but YOU cant control the external factors. your helmet, PUT IT ON. i have seen trauma patients come in with there helmets actually split in 2 from accidents. could you imagine if that was someone's head? very recently, we have had more than a couple motorcycle accidents with deer running out in the road-causing MAJOR trauma accidents. you can imagine what the outcome was for those not wearing a helmet.... and the doctor example, was to remind us all of our 'higher power'. God. its easy for me to 'preach' about seatbelts and helmets-everyone does. but to take something-a life- and work so hard to keep it alive or bring it back to life, only so much of that is in that drs. hands, too. the rest, is up to God.

what a vulnerable place to be. to know that when push comes to shove, you and i, we really have no control at all. we think we have control, and well, i guess we do, to an extent, but at any given moment, it could be over. so. the moral of my story? you arent invincible. you never will be. control what you can, but let God control the rest.

its over.

i am heartbroken. brett (favre that is) has left me. (okay, not just me, but all of us here in the lovely land of cheese). i was heartbroken when he retired, but to make it worse, he had to come back and twist the knife. now hes playing for the jets?!? agh. as if. i am going to wallow in my sorrows all day and night. *sigh*.



okay. onto the next thing. i got my dress. eeekk! i am so excited! and much to my dismay, i have tried several times, and cannot figure out how to post a picture from a website on this blogger thing. can someone help me???? i mean-i am not stupid- but everytime i do it, when i 'view' it, it doesnt 'show' up-its and error. does this make sense??