why cant i just be 'whelmed'

or underwhelmed? or not-at-all whelmed? i know everyone always says 'God never throws anything at you you cant handle' and i believe that....but sometimes i wonder....i have been thru sooo much-just about everything in my short 27 years. granted-there are PLENTY of people who have had it A LOT worse-dont get me wrong. but sometimes i feel like im at the end of my rope. and i cant handle much more. like if one more thing happens....agh.

im falling apart. near the verge of a nervous breakdown. yep. my eye keeps twitching. (seriously, its driving me crazy). we still havent found a church. im having some 'health' issues-which is nothing really new, my doctors are just taking it a bit farther. i have to have an MRI of my head on wed. i am super nervous. they want to rule out MS. (multiple sclerosis.) i know. serious business. im not sure how i feel about it b/c i refuse to think about it....(nurses and drs. are the WORST patients.) but its out of my hands, and in Gods. i am surrendering it to Him. or trying to anyway. :/ im scared. i wont lie. im sure i am fine, but its one of the most difficult to diagnose diseases known. i have an aunt and second cousin who has it. and a lot of my symptoms that i have been having for the last year + are classic MS symptoms. doesnt necessarily mean anything, but its does worry me some. and...im super claustorphobic. my MRI of my back was only 20 min-and they had a hard time with me....and this will take at least an hour and a half....my dr. called me in some ativan-but ive taken that for panic attacks before, and it really doesnt do a whole lot to 'calm' or 'sedate' me....so the anxiety is steadily building. ive talked to some of the anesthesia docs and they said theyd block some extra time on wed. in case they need to come and sedate me....which im sure is going to be the case.

and now my garage door broke tonight. for like the umpteenth time. currently, kelly and my dad are going on um...2 hours outside trying to fix it and ahem....the last i checked, it was in much worse shape than it started. so its not looking good. and did i mention that its 30 degrees outside? with flurries? yeah. cold.

my running has been on hold for the last week b/c i was sick last week due to getting my flu shot and then getting sick as a result of my flu shot....and now they want me to 'hang tight' until they figure out whats wrong with me. so, for those who believe in God, say a prayer for me....

guys have security issues, too...

so, i watched kelly spend over 30 minutes writing two-3 lined thank you cards to dr. s-the orthopod i work with who fixed his arm and to dr. a, the anesthesiologist who over sought his care during surgery. he even wrote a 'practice' version on scrap paper. i was doing the dishes while he sat at the table, reading out loud to me what he was going to write, and i was thinking 'i cannot believe he is taking this long to write this'.....but i didnt say anything, b/c he was trying soo hard.... bless his heart. but, writing has always been kinda easy for me, and we all know how guys are with expressing their feelings.... for the most part anyway. so as i was washing the dishes, i bought up the subject of going out with one of the drs. i work with and his wife on a date one of these nights. he and kell are a lot alike and i think they'd hit it off. (that sounds weird-i mean i think they would get along well. :))immediately kelly says 'no'. agh. i get defensive b/c i feel like he doesnt want to b/c he is intimidated by the status of the word 'doctor'. i mean, i understand it to a point, but i would never put him in an uncomfortable situation or be friends with shallow people. and if there something i cant stand-its judging people. just bc hes a 'doctor' all of the sudden hes 'better' than you? whatever. so i mumbled under my breath about not having a social life and kelly being anti-social. it left my feathers ruffled and we were irritated with each other. i feel like we have no 'friends' b/c he never wants to step out and get to know other people-and its not like we have to do it all the time, but every now and then, like 1 or twice a month, id like to take a break and go on a date by ourselves or with another couple. we NEED that.

so about an hour after he went home, he called and apologized and said that he just feels 'ashamed' and 'embarrassed' b/c of where he is at with his life. the fact that he isnt working right now (b/c of his arm injury-which he has NO control over) and that is living at home-in an effort to get out of debt. he says he doesnt want to tell people that, especially people who are highly 'successful' i.e. doctors....,or that he doesnt know very well. but he says he understands my need to get out and socialize with other couples and they would do it b/c he loves me and as my 'husband' (i know we arent quite there-but you know what i mean). i told him i understand his insecurities, we all have them but these people are MY friends, and would never judge him unfairly. and just b/c they are 'doctors' doesnt mean anything. they, too, have security issues, b/c outside of their profession, they want nothing more than to be treated like regular PEOPLE. instead, people constantly walk on eggshells around them, and are putting on some fake show, being someone they arent. i guess i didnt realize how 'insecure' he felt about all this...but he needn't .... i tried to reassure him. i am a social person-i mean, i am very content with my life, however-i do feel like i need some friends. i really dont have anyone i call up 'just for coffee' or to go grab a drink. or to go to the park with the kids, other thank kelly or my family members. i need to make some friends in this place....and kelly is the opposite, he feels like he needs nothing more than me and the kids. and his family. and thats fine-our needs vary slightly. so anyway, hopefully, i can get him more comfortable in his shoes and to understand that where he is at is nothing to be ashamed of. quite frankly i think he is at a great place in life. hes got ME :) ha ha

houston, we have a problem

um. okay. i have a minor problem.

so, i may or may not have planned my whole wedding without calling my church to make sure my day was available.....i mean, there is plenty of time.....so i called today, only to be told that 'we dont do weddings in december' because of the christmas programs, etc. WHAT?!? you.have.got.to.be.kidding.me. she may have stunned me into silence. i was met by 'hello, are you there?' 'ummhmm. okay. thanks. bye.' click. are you freaking kidding me?!?


NOW WHAT? its the friggin dead of winter and 4 of the 7 of my bridesmaids are from down south and would never survive an outdoor wedding, not that i would even think about it. its just not possible. and NO, im not changing the date. i WANT a winter wedding.....grrrr......

any ideas????? maybe we will just elope....that idea is getting better and better..... :/

*momentary lapse of insanity*

that last little post, that was me losing, or having done lost my mind.....

i think i have recovered from my little breakdown, temper tantrum, hissy fit, or whatever you want to call it. my kids drove me up the wall and across the ceiling tonight. wow. i mean, wow. its been really crazy lately with kell being out of commission. im like a single mom again. full time. i have to say it has made me really appreciate him and all he does for me-just having him here sometimes keeps me sane. ya know? like they can be going bat shi* crazy and we will just look at each other-and its okay. but now im on my own, pulling my hair out. i DO NOT miss those days. at.all.

kelly always comments on how patient i am. i dont feel like i am. he says it amazes him how patient i am with the kids. ha. coulda fooled me. i feel like im am often too impatient. im feeling so overstimulated and overwhelmed. my head is buzzing. we even went for a walk. i refused to put emersyn in the stroller so she would tucker herself out. let me tell you-she is the turtle of all turtles. hilarious. my family comments on how slow i am....this child is my image.....she is soooo s.l.o.w. but so cute. i kept having to 'race' her to get her to move....apparently the walk did nothing to curve the endless energy of my 2 crazy kids....

speaking of race, i had my duathalon yesterday. i dont event think i mentioned it in my blog....i did a duathalon yesterday. :) there, i mentioned it. it was a 5K run, 32 mile bike, 1 mile run. omg, the weather was gorgeous. the leaves, phenomenal. i even saw a bald eagle on my bike ride. it was good. no panic attacks this time, however- after my run i got a bloody nose. big deal right? well, not really except that in all of my 27 years, i have NEVER, i mean NEVER gotten a bloody nose. it was bizarre. i was pedaling away and i looked down at my hands-and there was blood-everywhere! what the heck i was thinking....i looked down at my legs, thinking i scraped myself or something. no blood. so i just kept pedaling. then i felt something dripping down my face- i had bronchitis all week, so i was still congested in my chest/nose. so i wiped my nose-and blood-everywhere. luckily i had a bunch a kleenex, so i was able to shove some kleenex up my nose, but it was craziness. weird things happen to me when i do these things!!! what is my body telling me?! at about mile 15, i hit somewhat of a 'wall'-i wasnt really tired-just started getting bored and my butt hurt from biking. so i started singing to myself and being weird....it was grand. :) and then the last mile of the bike, my stomach decided to go on strike. oh.dear. i prayed it could just hold on until i was done running.....but it was not happy. if youve ever done a duathalon, you know after doing a long bike and going into a run-your calves tend to cramp up-and omg, mine did worse than the last time i did.....it was horrible.but i kept running. veeerrry sllllooooww, at sloths pace, but i kept going....at the 1/2 mile mark, my stomach issues kicked in full effect and i was squeezing my butt cheeks together....it was horrible. bbbuttt, i finished. almost one of the last people, but thats okay. :) i did it. and i feel pretty good today, my neck hurts from biking, but thats pretty much it.

ahhh. i have had approxamitely 10 minutes of silence now. could it be that the rascals have finally fallen asleep????

thats it!

agh.

i am firing myself from motherhood. can i do that?

a whole new level...

so kell had his surgery yesterday. it was a really looongg day. overall, surgery went well. kell is having a lot of pain though. which is to be expected, i mean, its major surgery....kelly was sooo nervous, like in tears nervous. i wasnt nervous about the surgery-i work with those doctors daily, and have an intense amount of trust in them-so i wasnt worried that anything bad was going to happen to him, but i found myself nervous b/c he was nervous. his nervous energy was making me nervous. it was driving me crazy. (bless his heart) lo and behold, everything went great. he says the first thing he remembers about waking up is seeing me walk into the recovery room. (how sweet, i know) he kept trying to flash me. (yes im serious) he kept pulling his blanket and gown up over his head trying to get me to look. what a goob. today when i was telling him this, he had no recollection of this. i didnt expect him to-anesthesia is crazy like that. he has a cast from his shoulder to his hand. so-this of course means no showering. it means sponges baths. since the cast is all the way up to his shoulder, his arm is bent at a 90 degree angle in a sling. he can take it out to bathe. so-guess who gets the lucky chore of bathing him.....ME.

so this morning, he asked me to help him take a bath. great. his bathtub is very small. kelly is not. add the factor that we cant get his cast wet and it just adds a whole nother issue. plus it was just weird. i bathe my kids. i used to bathe OLD, wrinkly, demented patients whose body parts were pretty much indistinguishable....(ew). so i whipped out the saran wrap and wrapped up the cost as a precautionary. i must say it was quite the site (bah, ha, ha) seeing kelly in this itty bitty bath tub. he was so awkward, bless his heart. family members, ali, you especially, this was NOT romantic....

for those who may not know, kelly and i do not partake in sexual activities of any sort. we arent having sex until we are married. waaiiit, you say, you have a baby. it was immaculate conception, just dont tell anyone. i dont want my secret to get out. just kidding. back in the day, we did have sex, however, when we got back together 1 1/2 years ago, we both agreed that we wanted to do this right, and right for us is waiting until we are married. so rather than tempt ourselves, we really just dont put ourselves in any situations that could compromise our promise to each other and God....that doesnt mean it isnt hard. we struggle daily. daily. daily.....especially since we have been there with each other.

but anyway, back to the bath. it was interesting, i mean, i was thinking while i was washing his cute little butt, if i had to do this everyday, it sure would suck. but id do it. bc i love this man. i mean, its 2 weeks that i will have to do this, bathe him, help his dress, tie his shoes. but if need be, id do it every day. simply bc i love him.

texting monster

kelly is cell phone illiterate. up until about 6 months after emersyn was born, he didnt even have a cell phone. i text all the time. i love it. when im not in the mood to talk-its my main way to communicate. or if im just too busy to have an actual conversation-its what i do. i have tried time and time again....to teach him how to text....to no avail. i mean, whats so hard about it? agh. so the other night i was working and earlier in the day kell and i had 'argued' or irritated each other. so he called me at work to tell me he loved me (awww, i know) and then, 'did you get my text messages?' whhhaa? he sounded like a 5 year old on christmas. 'i figured it out! i figured out how to text today!' oh. so we ended our conversation. sure enough, i check my phone. four text messages. four. consecutive. 'i love you.' 'i want your body' (who says this-like hes in high school). 'i miss you'. 'i love you soooo much.' goober. what a goober. i created a monster. he texts me all the time now. all.the.time. oookkaay, i admit, its kinda cute. i mean, i kinda like getting a midday 'i love you' text....its just funny....*sigh*


have i mentioned lately how dreamy my fiance is???? well, if i havent.....let me just tell you....i have the most ah-may-zing man ever. dont worry, ill save all the sappy details, but i am sooo lucky.

the secret to writing??

so my fellow blogger friend playful professional did a post about the secret to writing....that the 'secret' is that people want to know things they dont know (duh, right), not day to day things, ya know? does this make sense? she shared some pretty intense things about herself, and while for some it may not be a big deal, she felt better afterward, just to get it out there.....so, here goes some of my 'secrets'.....


1. there are some days i desparetly miss my old life. the one with no responsibility and the days when i could sleep in until 11am and 2 small children didnt depend on me and everything that i did or didnt do. and sometimes find myself feeling jealous when my friends or younger sisters go out without me-even though i really have no reason to be....that being said, i DO NOT regret or would NOT change anything in the world-but i think its a normal emotion for me to long for my youth, especially since i was a teen mom...

2. out of my 5 sisters, i have always been considered the one that looks the 'least' like the others, according to my sisters and others....i hate that. it drives me crazy when people say it bc i think my sisters are gorgeous and when people say that, i feel like they are insulting me- saying 'you are ugly, you look nothing like your beautiful sisters'.

3. i loathe roller coasters. they dont make me sick, i hyperventilate on them. seriously. i cant breathe. i have like a full-blown panic attack on them. actually, even on some water slides i do this, too, just not as bad....

4. i hate meeting new people. or talking to new people. it sounds snotty, i know. its not that at all. ive just never been good at starting conversations with people i dont know or faking genuine-ness. like that girl at the bar, who can just strike a convo with any random dude-not me, never has been, no matter how much alcohol may have been involved....

5. i was born with high frequency hearing loss. to sum it up-i cant hear. :) i actually have hearing aids, but havent worn them since i was a freshman in high school. i actually just got my hearing tested a month ago and am going to get new hearing aids, once i can afford them...

6. if i could be anything and not have to worry about money, it would be a makeup artist. crazy, i know....but those who know me, this probably wouldnt surprise them at all....i personally dont hardly wear any make up at all, and thats not its really about. but i am fascinated and always have been by make up and beauty. i did my sisters make up for her wedding and all her proms and homecomings. and i love it. to this day, it is still a passion of mine.

7. i hate seafood. it makes me gag. enough said. blech.

8. i have never been gambling. there are casinos all over here in wisconsin, but when i lived in georgia, it was illegal. its probably a good thing ive never been...i have an addictive personality, id probably just get myself in trouble.

9. i am afraid of dying. i am not afraid of where i am going after i die, i know im going to spend eternity with God in Heaven, but i am afraid of the process and the physical pain. i am also afraid of the pain it will cause my loved ones-even though they will have peace knowing i am with my Lord and Savior. does this make sense?

10 i have an obsession with biore pore strips. its probably unhealthy for me to be as attatched as i am to them. it says on the package to use 'sparingly'. heh. i use them about oh every 3 days. but they are sooo fun!

11. i dont believe in censorship. i mean when it comes to body functions like pooping and farting. last week, dr. g, one of my neurosurgeons walked by me in the hall as i was on my way to the bathroom to go poop and asked if i would get him a cup of coffee. first of all, i am not your maid (which i told him) and second of all, i said, 'i cant, im going to go to the bathroom to poop.' he looked at me and just bust out laughing. he thought it was the most hilarious thing ever. when i got done, he was dictating his note, and i leaned over his shoulder and said, 'would you like me to get you a cup of coffee?' pause. 'i washed my hands.' and he started laughing again.

12. i think i daydream/fantasize more than the average person. i feel like i am always thinking about winning the lottery or building a big house, or losing 40 lbs (ha). it seems my mind is anywhere but here.

13. i miss georgia soooooooo much. so. much. i ask myself if this would be the case if i lived there or is it just one of those 'grass is greener' type things....but i just love that place so much. its not just that my friends are there, its the PLACE. the city. i love it. everything about it. the job opportunities, the beautiful living area, the closeness to atlanta, the closeness to the mountains, the closeness to the ocean. i have conceded that i will probably always be here in wisconsin b/c to kelly, this is home, and thats okay, but gosh i miss that place.

14. i am doing my first 15K nov. 30 and am super pumped. and nervous-especially after my panic attack in my marathon relay...but ive been doing 3-4 times a week 5 mile runs and can finally start to feel and notice a difference again in my body. i love getting to that point....

15. im slow. this is no surprise to my family members...i just like to take my time is all. i must say though, since having kids, i have definately picked up the pace. in high school i wore my hair in a pony tail every day and it took me over an hour daily to get ready for school. doing what, i have NO clue, but yes-over an hour. now, i get up an hour before work on a school day to get myself and 2 kids ready, including jaelynn ready for school and leave 20 min before i have to be at work. it can be done.

a broken bison bone and a troll for a fiance....

ah yes. according to jaelynn, kelly has broken his bison bone. kids, arent they the darndest. actually, tuesday night, poop hit the fan and kelly ruptured his distal bicep muscle. only 5% of people do this. he has such a demanding job, very physically demanding. so you can see how he this could happen on the job. NOPE.

scene:
was a nice fall evening. we decided to take the kids for a walk to the park. the kids were running around on the playground, jae and kelly were chasing each other. jaelynn jumped on the merry-go-round and kelly went to spin her and reached back with his arm and *snap*, he heard it snap and felt it pop. he yelped 'agh, somethings not right' and immediately ripped off his shirt so i could look at his arms. sure enough, visibly to the naked eye, you could tell, something, wasnt right. what, i didnt really know. no bones were broken. hmm. he is now SCREAMING at me, 'what is wrong with me' and i am going, very calmly, 'i have no idea'. and him, 'YOUR A NURSE. YOUR SUPPOSED TO KNOW.' oh. really. so, after all this time, NOW you are going to give me the credit i deserve???? you see, he doubts my judgement on everything. he always second guesses me, always goes against what i say when it comes to this kind of stuff, but now suddenly, im supposed to know. wtf. so i called my work. asked one of my colleagues. she didnt know either. i was pretty sure it was a muscle tear-but what do they do???? we never get these in the OR, so 1) they are either uncommon, or 2)they aren't serious enough that they get admitted so they go thru day surgery so i never see them. so....the long and short of it....he ruptured his distal bicep muscle. and....he has to have surgery. wait...theres more....hes going to be off work for at least 6months.... major rehabilitation is required for this surgery, so he is really bummed.

so we went to his dr. appt this morning to find out when surgery was going to be, and i told him he couldnt have anything to eat or drink before hand-in case they wanted to do surgery today-because you have to be 'npo' which means you cant have eaten or drank in 8 hours. holy troll monster. grumpy with a capitol G. whoa. watch out. seriously, he was a force to be reckoned with. i was glad to dump him out of my car and go into work. sheesh. so, he has surgery on tuesday. he is soo nervous. :( i was able to get off so i can take him and be with him there, which will be nice. i was also able to pick the anesthesiologist i wanted on the case, so at least i now he has a good anesthesiologist and surgeon. :) and good nurse for afterward (me, of course! ;))

so yeah, it has been a crazy couple days....:/ and the weather is getting cold. i hate it. freezing at night time? what is that all about? not cool.