love hate relationship with my job.

im sick of being discriminated against b/c i am 'young'and 'verbal' in my job. my boss constantly does it. in previous posts, i have voiced issues about a few people in my job....having issues with these few again....and my boss.....im sick of it.

i can suggest something and its not a good idea. someone else-'older' or 'wiser' can suggest the SAME thing, and suddenly, its a GREAT idea. it gets old. real fast. and im over it.

im premenstrual...and so a little bit more touchy than usual....

more ouchness...

so i did tabata.....wow.

i dont know that my body has ever been so sore. seriously. i had off yesterday and i could barely move. no joke. i walked like a 90 year old woman. actually, a 90 year old woman probably walked better than me....and i was huffing and puffing harder after 4 minutes than i was after my 5 mile marathon run....no joke. you guys need to try this.

meanwhile, hurricane jae/emerysn and world war 3 struck my house this morning....agh. emersyn woke up waaay to early, and very grumpy, which is a rare affair. so when she does, watch out. at 6:30 a.m. it was mass chaos in my household. emersyn was chasing jaelynn around the kitchen table trying to take her bowl of cereal and put it in the sink, for no reason at all. and was screaming bloody murder the whole time. for no reason at all....agh...thank goodness the windows were closed, or neigbors would have called the officials.... ;) thank God its friday....

hoping to get in a nice hour long run after work, if my legs allow me to, we shall see.....hope you all have a wonderful fall-ish weekend.

confused.

a good friend of kelly's and my older sisters' committed suicide last night. he hung himself. he left behind 2 twin boys, and of course, many who loved and cared deeply for him. i am so confused though. i suffer from depression. over half of our country does. however, i dont understand what drives people to suicide. i am NOT being critical. i am seriously trying to understand what goes thru the human brain that leads to this point. i have been so low that i have questioned why things happen, but i have never contemplated taking my life. i have too much to live for. it hurts me for these people, that they hurt this much. i want to reach out and help them, to touch them in a way they have never been touched, so that they would know that they are WORTH it. worth living for. and the anger and hurt that is left behind in the family and loved ones is so difficult to shoulder. it makes many question God. in times like that, its hard not to. the loved ones are left with the unanswered questions of why-and will probably never understand why. i am so sorry that it got to the point that he felt he needed to end things. i wish he would have had someone to go to, maybe he did have someone to go to. i dont know. it just makes me confused. agh.

we are often times so critical of people who are suicidal, i know i have done it. we all have. we are quick to judge. 'what can be so bad', or 'how selfish'. these are human things to think, and maybe truthful things to think, but yet, we DONT know what is in that persons head. i know that depression is a crazy thing. i know it is devastating and can ruin lives. as it has here. i know its 'not just in the head'. its a chemical imbalance in addition to the physcosocial issues. i dont think our world is educated enough about it. i know i wasnt. until i was in school for nursing. it seems that it is becoming more sociably acceptable, depression, that is, but used to be, you hear the word depression and people associated it with crazy. or psycho. loony. schizo. whatever. no one wants to be associated with those terms, so they hide it. they hide their hurt and then when something like this happens, 'no one saw it coming'. is this accurate? i dont know, im just throwing things out there. kinda rambling with my thoughts tonight, but after i talked to kell and he told me about their friend committing suicide, i just got to thinking about it all, and i was confused and frustrated...

he will never get to see his kids laugh again. or his mom smile. his wife sleep. he will never feel the cool air blowing across his face on a mid summers eve. or watch a sunset on a cool fall night. he'll never watch the packer's play football again. he wont have to shovel out the driveway after a heavy snow. he wont get to see his boys marry the loves of their life or have babies of their own......and this was his choice.......its hard to not be frustrated when people get killed in accidents everyday, and didnt get to choose whether they live or die.....i know that is harsh. and its not fair for me to say that. but its frustrating. i wish i could have helped him. i wish i could have shown him how much God loves him, and those who are grieving for him right now. although, i think he aleady knew. well, i hope he did.

make sure you tell those you love you love them. you never know when it will be the last time you'll see them, by anyones choice.

ouch all over.

well, the good news is, the marathon was great. the bad news, i had a PANIC ATTACK after mile one, which left me puking on the side of the road. and walking all of mile 2. have no fear, i got my groove back by mile 3 and made it the rest of the way.....but, back to the panic attack. i got a wicked case of the nerves before the race, which never happens. no matter how hard i tried to mentally talk myself thru it, it wouldnt subside. about half way thru the first mile, i started hyperventilating, thinking, 'oh dear, this cant be good.' and then the nausea hit....at the end of mile one, there was a ginormous hill, and that was it. i got to the top, and blech, all over the side of the road, in between trying to breathe. volunteers were trying to get medical help...i said, no im fine. GO AWAY. i felt like an IDIOT. agh. the nausea passed, but i couldnt breathe. so i walked. i was so mad. i could feel my eyes stinging-refusing to give in to tears, b/c i have worked so hard for these 5 miles! geesh. by the end of mile 2, i got myself back together, and off i went. the only problem i continued to have, was that since i had puked my guts out, i was sooooo thirsty.....and i didnt want to drink too much and get a side ache, but omg, i felt like i had sand in my mouth. needless to say, i made it in one piece. little disappointed in the outcome, but next time i will just take a xanax before hand. however, with my luck, ill probably pass out on the course....

i cant believe how tense i mustve been running, b/c my shoulders and neck are sooo sore today. its ridiculous. and my shins. i had shin splints in high school-but they havent bothered me since. im surprised they are bothering me today. the weather was perfect running weather.

so now im motivated and determined to do a half marathon. trying to recruit the sisters to join me. how fun would that be.

have ya'll heard of that 'new' exercise tabata? its supposed to be like the next best thing....supposedly it is like wickedly intense. im gonna do it. just not today. too sore. ill let you know how it goes.

im am liking the 12 hr shifts. i love having my 2 days off again. thats really nice. the days are long when im at work, but....the extra days off are sweet.

thats it for now. happy birthday alfred head. love you.

men and their foolishness.

actual conversation that took place between kell and i about a month ago...he needed a haircut...let me set the scene. it was a saturday morning, we didnt have anything particular going on at the moment...

hot fiance: 'do you think i should call and make a hair appt?'
me: 'yeah, probably.'


(HF finishes his conversation with salon and comes back in the living room. looking rather perplexed.)

me: 'so whats the verdict?'
HF: 'she had an appt this morning and then a wedding party.'
me: 'oh, that sucks.'
HF: 'i dont get it. why does a wedding party need to all get their hair cut on the same day, much less on the day of the wedding.'
me: 'are you serious?'
HF: 'what?. huh?'
(me, eye rolling and bust out laughing.)
me: 'you are such a tool. they arent getting their hair cut, they are getting it done...'
HF: 'oh.'


this is a story that always makes me smile....i even called my mom to tell her this one....

oh. and he really isnt dumb, just sometimes. ;) (arent they all.)

naked babies and sampson the weanie beast

This. dear friends, is my debit card, which has suffered the demise of a terrible mishap. aka sampson. my weiner dog. my 8 lb weiner dog.

last night i decided to be somewhat productive and pay some bills online. when all was said and done, i set my debit card on the arm rest of my oversized chair. sam was sleeping, so i thougt nothing of it....mistake number one. clearly i dont give this dog enough credit. i mean, he even chewed the right side so that technically, i can still use the card....i came back to find dear old debit card missing one corner....and of course, he didnt just chew the corner off, he ate the corner off. agh.

and on friday night, it had been raining all evening and into the night. so little sammy decided he need to go pee during the night. so, i got up and let him outside so he could his business. i was half asleep, so whatever. i let him back in, he comes scurrying back to bed. (hes the perfect cuddle buddy) all of the sudden, i feel all of this clumps of dirt and such. i turn on my light and lo and behold, sam must have decided to do his duty in my flower garden, b/c he was covered in mud. and now it was all over my bed. not a happy camper.

when i got home friday from work, emersyn and i were outside hand washing my big kitchen rug. emersyn was running around, chasing the dog, being silly. she informed me at some point that she needed to go poopy. now, my hose was leaking, so i was soaked. literally. from the chest down. so i shoved her in the house and quickly put her on the toilet so she could do her business. she finished and then wanted to take a bath. i was just about done with cleaning the rug, so i told her to hang tight while mommy finished....so. i got done and ran to the front of the house to turn off the hose. said to emersyn, 'stay in the house, ill be RIGHT BACK,' i didnt mention that she was nekked. like buck naked in preparation for her tubby. sampson chased me around to the front and took off running after a biker in the road. the next thing i knew, i hear emersyn yelling for sam, and there she is, in all her glory, her naked glory, in the front yard. with my nike running shoes on. the poor biker. he didnt know what to do. he started to laugh, and i did too. i quickly apologized and hurried emersyn's naked rear into the house.....priceless i tell you. priceless....

emersyn's bday party was great. it rained the whole time, but we and the kids still had a blast. she got a ton of gifts. spoiled...

i survived my first 12 hr shift today. woo. went by pretty quick actually. so that was good.

mass craziness

oh.my.word.

i dont know if i am coming or going. my undies may even be on inside out. (i really did do that yesterday). i havent even so much as turned on a computer in over 2 days b/c my life has been so insanely busy. aggh. this week has been crazy. i have hardly seen my kids or my fiance. or my house at that. or my bed.... :/.

school is back in swing and that has been a few minor/major adjustments on all parts... homework, making lunches, one naked 3 year old pretending to be a dog, early morning temper tantrums-you name it, we got it in my household. i had a 2 day class for work that required some major studying. like 2 days of studying... and some major stress. i felt like i was in college studying for my pathophysiology II exam all over again. dinner with some old friends on wednesday for some much needed girl time. fabulous times. jae had dance last night. emersyn's birthday party is this weekend and my house is in somewhat of disarray.... eh. havent had any time to do anything!

my MRI showed some compression between my L5-S1, but no surgery necessary. phew. but i have to have physical therapy. so i was able to start running again on monday and can still do my marathon relay next weekend. yay for that.

shhoot. as i am writing this, i just remembered that kell and i start our premarital classes tonight. which is fine and dandy any other time, but i am so exhausted. all i really want to do is just go home and curl up and finish my stephanie meyer 'twilight' book. which, btw, i originally REFUSED to get sucked into....and officially HAVE.....yep. hooked. cant.put.it.down....

i start 12 hr. shifts again on monday, which means 2 things.... less days of works, BUT....looongg days of work....(obviously) so-we shall see how it goes. im kinda indifferent to the whole thing right now bc there are good and bad about 12 hr shifts...we shall see how it all works out...

lovies

my two babies. best buddies.... they sure are perty, aint they :)