wait, what?

last night after i left work, i ran to wal-mart to get some groceries. i reveled in my solo trip to the store-since its a rare occurance to go anywhere by myself...so i was wondering thru the pet department to get dog food for sampson, and i see this couple. the dude is wearing a black wife beater type tank top and jeans. thats it. and the chic is wearing a denim mini skirt with a tank top and knee high boots. wha??? its single digits outside, and snowing. seriously?

on a separate note....i have decided to go back to school. to get my master's degree. and be a nurse practitioner. ive been thinking about it a lot, but ive made my decision. i applied today. im trying not to get too excited b/c its a hard program to get into. very hard. and its also the last semester that they are doing a master's program for nursing. which means they will be even more picky about who they choose into the program....so, we'll just what happens. its for the fall semester. i have to do a written interview, face to face interview and have to have 3 letters of recommendations.... just to get in. im already nervous. eh. but im not going to worry about it....ive got enough to worry about...

the first official wedding post....

before i get into an 'all things wedding post'....isnt it funny how 30 degrees feels 'warm' after a week of 20 below zero weather? yeah. thats pretty f*d up. and we are currently amidst 'snowstorm dawn', who is bringing another 8 inches of snow. seriously, very over the snow and its not even january. we've gotten over 25 inches of snow so far. snowiest winter in 110 years!

to moving along. i have kinda been stumped about what to write about in this 'first official wedding post'. so, ill start with something kinda boring. i know, i know....the budget...i have 6(!) sisters. three of which have already been married. tradition says that parents of the bride pays for the wedding. thats not neccesarily the case this day in age, however my parents have given all of us girls a certain amount toward our day. anything above and beyhond that amount, we are responsible for. i dont have very much money. if you look back on some of my posts, youll read on my money struggles. while i would love a lavish affair, i refuse to put myself in further debt over this one day....so, kelly and i have sat down and come up with a very strict budget. i have some things that i HAVE to have 'nice' of-one of which being photography. so we both agreed that that was an area that we were willing to spend more on. knowing that, we also knew that then we were going to have to cut cost somewhere else....we have a lot of planning to go, however, we actually have most of the big stuff done.

-reception site/catering booked.
-photographer booked.
-cake lady booked.
-dj booked.
-florist booked. (my cousin is a florist)
-wedding dress bought.
-bridesmaid dresses picked out.
-flower girls dresses bought.
-church booked.

yeah i know....but how it all started was that i simply was researching companies b/c i needed to know the costs of things so i could start saving. well, once i started, i got a deal on the DJ ($400 off) b/c of the time of year (winter), so we went ahead and booked him. and so it went from there....i am a big planner. i dont like to be suprised, and like i said, we have to stay with in our budget, so the more time we have to save, the better...

sometimes i get jealous browsing blogs of brides-to-be with all their lavish ideas and beatiful ideas for their weddings, wishing i could have that-knowing that there is no way i can have that...but i know that our day will still be wonderful, and we will be able to incorporate a lot of neat special things. a really neat thing i have found thru all the bride blogs is the cool DIY projects, etc....any ideas-pass them on to me...i love them! happy friday!

the official count down begins....

drum roll please.....


one year from today....i will be a blushing bride! yay! in the freezing snow! not so yay! but it wont matter, because i will be so over the moon.... :) so, now you all will be bored with my countdown to wedding day. because it will start...NOW...so, be preprared for some wedding talk (more of anyway) and stresses, in addition to my already chaotic life. arent you excited?


anyway, jaelynn is home with the flu, so i must return to my motherly duties now.


365 days!!!!!!!! woot-woot!

the delirium has set in

i stole this from rachel...(she has fun ones :)) am stuck at work....so check it out....

The rules are...
1. Put your iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG TITLE DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the meme as well as the person you got the meme from.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
'bleed it out' linkin park

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
'where my girls at' 702

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
'wild horses' dave matthews band

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
'crazy in love' beyonce/jay-z

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
'hearts fall' edwin mccain

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
'irrplaceable'-beyonce

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
'the blowers daughter'-damien rice

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
'mockingbird'-eminem

WHAT IS 2+2?
'bed'-j. holiday

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
'the story'-brandi carlisle

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
'sippin on some syrup' -three 6 mafia

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
'do you remember'-jack johnson

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
'creep'-tlc

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
'flood'-jars of clay

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
'faint'-linkin park

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
'in god's hands'- nelly furtado

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
'run it'-chris brown

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
'satellite'-dave matthews band

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
'days go by'-keith urban

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
'emotions'-destiny's child

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
'the curse of curves'-cute is what we aim for

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
'say it right'-nelly furtado

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
'freak like me'-adina howard

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
'leavin'-jesse mcartney

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
'u make me wanna'-usher

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
'dear lie'-tlc

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
'stay'-dave matthews band

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
'by the way'-red hot chili peppers

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
'none of your business'-salt n peppa

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
'your my angel'-dru hill

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
'let you down'-daves matthews band


ADDENDUM:
not related to my little survey, but little (big) snowstorm carter can SUCK IT. i spent over 2 hours snow blowing this morning over 8 inches of snow from my driveway. not.cool. i am sooo tired. my co worker and i are making foolish delerious comments back and forth we are so tired.

on a positive note, i found our bridesmaid dresses! woot-woot! if i ever figure out blogger, i will post an outside picture of the dress....

and by gones will be by gones....

we had kell's surprise 30th birthday party last night....we had been planning it for about a month. and he had NO clue. it was awesome. however....he was a force to be reckoned with last night, getting him out to the location of the party. aye....i cooked him dinner first and then we were going to meet his sister for a drink....so i had to 'stall' after dinner until it was time for the party to start....well, one can only do this for so long with kelly....he was getting crabby, and evil...and almost to the point where he didnt want to go out at.all. but-we pulled it off, and he was completely surprised, and had a blast. his whole family was there, and that was great. i have known them forever. his sister casie and i used to be best friends. in fact, thats how kell and i first met, was thru her. i wont get into it all in this post, but the long and short of it is that we had a falling out and stopped being friends when kell and i got back together (before i was pregnant with emersyn). and then everything kell and i went thru when emersyn was born and there after, custody battle, etc and then getting back together--it put us--both our families thru the wringer. anyway, its been a slow process for casie and i especially, to mend our friendship. we were the best of friends. like bff. but in our heart of hearts, when push comes to shove, i love the girl with all my heart. and id do anything for her. we have finally moved forward, and put the past--in the past. i dont think our friendship will ever be the same, but perhaps itll be better, in a different, more grown up way. we both are 'adults' now, and we both have learned soo much in these last few years, with our own families and lives and thru what we've gone thru as a result of kelly and i's relationship. last night was the first night that we acutally talked about it- 'the past' and moving forward, casie and i. and that we missed each other and each others friendship. it meant a lot-to both of us. and was a big step for us--not just for her and i, but for all of us in her family. i feel like they have finally accepted me-and realized that kelly and i are meant to be with each other and how much we do love each other. and that we are willing to work thru anything to make our relationship work. and that we have the love to make it thru anything. so-it was a great night. kelly was smiles all night....he had a blast. im sooo glad he had fun. and i had a blast. i love that man so much, and i love his family. and its a huge weight lifted off my chest to feel like we can finally let by gones be by gones.....

the pics are kell and i. and the other one is casie and i..... :)

enough already.

im sick of the snow. already. mostly, its the cold. its unseasonably cold here. like in the negatives. its not cool. and i dont like it.

one word

One Word

I stole this one word, random post from rachel, from history of the harveys. im stuck at work and it looks like fun, so- if you want to play, copy and answer the following with one word:

Where is your cell phone? Purse
Where is your significant other? home
Hair color? dkbrwn
Your mother? wonderful
Your father? packerman
Your favorite thing? reading
Your dream last night? forget
Your dream/goal? debtfree....
The room you’re in? Prep
Your hobby? running
Your fear? losingthegirls (okay, thats more than one word)
Where do you want to be in 6 years? debtfree....
Where were you last night? home
What you’re not? hungry
One of your wish-list items? honeymoon
Where you grew up? wisconsin
The last thing you did? drink
What are you wearing? scrubs
Your TV? heavy
Your pet? sampson
Your computer? macbook
Your mood? restless
Missing someone? Yes
Favorite store? hmmmm
Our summer? memorable
Love someone? unconitionally
Your favorite color? red
When is the last time you laughed? now
Last time you cried? weeks

no regrets

i remember the day that i left georgia for good.... jaelynn's dad and i had split up. jae was only 6 months old, i was only 20 years old. my parents and family lived in wisconsin. i was young, naive and had become fiercly dependent on shawn. i called my parents the day before, in tears, thinking my life as i knew it was over.... 'can you come and get me?' my parents, though they supported me, never really approved of my relationship with shawn. he was ten years older than me, had a history of drugs and alcohol and partying and never could really hold a steady job. they dropped everything they were doing, and made the 20 hour drive to north georgia to come take me and my baby home. i was so lost. i had once been known to be a strong, independent girl, but thru my relationship with shawn, i had gotten caught up with drugs, alcohol and become this girl who didnt even know how to stand on her own two feet. as i packed my belongings, tears flowed, how was i going to go on? my little girl wasnt going to have a daddy anymore, my friends, my life-it was all there in georgia. my relationship with my parents was a bit strained due to my relationship with shawn-but they embraced me and held me when they arrived. they helped me pack everything in the truck, and my dad didnt lecture me when he found a bong in the basement.... as we drove out of the georgia mountains, i remember crying hysterically, thankful for being alone in my car, following my parents in their truck, to have my 'last moments' of the place that i called home by myself.

fast forward. to today. i think about that girl on that day, in the year, or two years to follow-and who she was and i am amazed....i miss georgia everyday. the mountains. my best friends ever. the city. the southern food. the southern accents. southern hospitality. but that life. no. id never go back. it took me at least a year, two years before i could stand on my own two feet. i had become so dependent on shawn that i had to re-grow up.... but i did it. with the help of my loved ones, and God, i did it. in fact, i became so independent, that when kelly and i first started dating again, it was very difficult for me to let myself learn to depend again on someone....shawn has not been very involved in jae's life-and thats his choice. he calls about every 6 or 7 montsh (usually on the holidays). i spent the first year and half trying soo hard to get him to be a part of her life, but i learned that i cant make him...he will realize someday that he is missing out on the greatest love ever, his childs. i have always told him that i will NEVER say anything bad to jaelynn about him, regardless of how i feel about him, and i have kept my word. because i want her to be able to make her own decisions about whether she wants to have a relationship with him or not when shes old enough. and when shes 16 and wants nothing to do with him-it will have been HER own decision and i will have done nothing to sway her choice-it will have been all on him. i believe that she will truly see him for what he is (or isnt) some day. its hard to watch-seeing your child have to hurt is the most painful pain one can endure. jaelynn has seen him one time since we left, about a year and a half ago. she spent the day with him, and had a good time. she clings to that memory with all her heart. she has had a hard time with the fact of kelly and i getting married, even though she loves kelly with all her heart. she admits that she blames kelly for shawn not being there. even though its not kelly's fault...kelly treats jae like his own daughter, always has, even before emersyn was born. he calls her his daughter, and is amazing with her. it kills me the way jaelynn hurts, this all recently came to a head-and we have started taking her to a counselor. the counselor tells me that though she knows i want to protect her from shawn hurting her with empty promises-like him telling her he'll come and visit and not, like he has several times, i have to let him let her down so that she will see what kind of person he is. and the best thing i can do when he hurts her is to love her....that is sooo hard. but i never thought of it that way. for so long i have tried to protect her. i have so much hatred toward shawn for hurting her, and because it is affecting jaelynn's relationship with her and kell, and us as a family-but i know it will get better.

the reality of it is, i have no regrets thinking about that day i left. (obviously). i miss my friends soo much-but they are in my heart, and we stay in close touch. i have 2 beautiful girls. they are my sun in my sky and the light of my life. there are days that i would like to quit motherhood, but we all have those days....and of course, i dont really want to quit, take a break, maybe....but it is amazing to think that these two girls are mine, and are a product of me....not to mention this wonderful, amazing, loving fiance that i have. who has weathered the worst storm possible with me (ill have to blog about it some day-you guys will be suprised at our story) and stuck by my side thru thick and thin. my first kiss in the 8th grade, my first true love. he loves me for me, flaws and all and would never try to change me. he loves my family. he loves God. there are no regrets. i am the luckiest girl alive.

all in one hours time....

its no secret that sampson, my stinker of a weiner dog, is constantly up to no good.....so this morning after i took jaelynn to school, emersyn and i sat in the bathroom and played with the hermit crab. sampson was clearly jealous b/c i wouldnt let him in the bathroom, so he decided that he would create all kinds of havoc in the house....

about 45 minutes later, i walked into the kitchen to find a pencil and eraser top chewed to a million plus shreds under the kitchen table. moving along....i went to take my medicine. i keep my drugs in my purse-b/c my purse goes everywhere with me. so im searching everywhere for my seizure medicine...searching, searching. hmmm. thats weird. i just took it last night before i went to bed-so i know it was there last night....i proceeded to empty my purse to no avail. it wasnt there. hmm. i turned around and see sampson with a look of no good on his face....he hides everything under my bed, so i thought, well i have no idea how he would have gotten a hold of it, but i better go look.... first i find a roll of toilet paper-once again, ripped to shreds. lo and behold, my pill bottle-with the COVER OFF and pills all over the floor...who knows if he ate any, but it looked like the majority of them were there....i swear the dog wants to die. seriously. i took him outside to go to the bathroom and he starts eating something....i wandered over to see what he had gotten into....rabbit terds. agh. what possesses him? i mean rabbit poop? he never seizes to amaze me....

im sooo glad to have the day off today and tomorrow. got my housework done today. emersyn has her apron on and has been helping me clean. :) ah, gotta get lunch for the little lady...have a wonderful thanksgiving all. i leave you this picture of the girls scuba diving in my living room :)

turning over a new leaf.

i got a new job. so i failed to mention that i applied for a new job. mostly b/c if i didnt get it-i didnt want to have to blog about it....its an advancement in my nursing career, a supervising position-which is what i want to do. i eventually want to be a manager, and our hospital is opening a new unit. my old boss is the manager and approached me and asked me to apply for it. so i did. my whole thinking was, if i get it i get it, if i dont, i dont. i am happy in PACU, but im ready to take the next step in my career...and i got it. im kinda sad b/c i wont get to work as close with the surgeons anymore or the anesthesiologists, but i have to look at the big picture...and ultimately-this is a huge opportunity for me. so i am excited about what it brings for me. not to mention, a pay raise and better, more consistent hours. and NO MORE ON CALL!!! woot-woot. and leaving a certain superior *ahem* who i cannot stand....its time.....

tomorrow we are going bridesmaid dress shopping. im excited. for the shopping and mostly just to have my sisters all together, minus a couple and my besties. i love my family sooo much and we always have the best time together. yay for thanksgiving and yummy food as well.

pray for all our troops overseas and away from home during this holiday. we are so fortunate for all the hard work they are doing to keep our country safe and protected. and pray for the general safety of all those traveling during the holiday weekend....

not sure if ill get a chance to post before thanksgiving or not, so without further ado, happy thanksgiving-we have sooo much to be thankful for, even in these 'tough' times.....its easy to forget and take things for granted. i do it, too....simple things like our families and loved ones.....are a blessing, every day.....

we have lift off....

well friends, we have a church! yay!!!! it is a renovated barn-but it is sooo cute. typically, i hate the word cute, it goes back to my high school days of always being labeled 'cute', never 'hot' or 'pretty' or 'sexy', but 'cute'. it made me feel so like a 'aww-shes not pretty, but shes not ugly, shes just 'cute'.....agh. anyway... but this church is very cute. its very intimate-like not too big, not too small, has big beams and a rustic feel to it. i loved it. and so did kell. not to mention-we really dont have a choice at this point, but im glad i liked it....

it was opening weekend this weekend. you know, 'widows weekend'. dont know what that is? here up in the north, that is opening weekend of gun season for deer hunters. all the men leave their wives/women and go to their huntin' shacks, get drunk, and sit in a deer stand all day and watch for deer. woo-hoo. i never really understood that whole hunting concept. i would get waaayyyy too bored. and cold. not to mention the fact that id probably shoot my foot off or other important body part....

i was on call this weekend. was thinking it was going to be a total money making weekend, it being opening weekend and all-crazy people falling out of deer stands (this happens ALL THE TIME)-so i was all pumped up for the money. well. that definately didnt happen. dead. completely dead. didnt get called in at.all. saturday. which is like a first in PACU history. of course, they wait to call us in until the middle of the night. grand.

we got our first snowfall. what was supposed to be 'some flurries' ended up being about 3 inches. its pretty, but waaaayyy overrated. emersyn was sooo excited. i had to work in the middle of the night (again), so i already knew about the snow-but she proceeded to come and try to drag me out of bed this morning-saying 'come see, come see, im so excited. theres SNOW.' so excited that as soon as we went outside this morning, she immediately, in her regular shoes and clothes, plowed into a big snow pile.....aye. kids......

wedding class 101

i think it should be required that husbands to be should have to take a 'wedding 101' class or something of the likes... kelly has been wonderful. he really has. however.....(wait for it)....there are just some things he doesnt get. like party favors. or how costly flowers are. or that NO, we cant make our own wedding cake. (serioulsy he said this) or needing to buy your attendants gifts, etc., etc....please understand- i am NOT complaining-i am venting. (is there a difference?)

i have to say though, he has been very involved, which is quite surprising. he came with me and picked out our invitations. and helped pick out the cake. he has learned A LOT so far-and cannot believe how expensive weddings are. (i warned him....)

today we go look at our potential church. oh-i didnt mention that i found a church!!! woot-woot! after contacting over 60 (NO JOKE) churches between appleton and oshkosh (a 30mile radius)-only ONE came back and said they would let us rent it using my pastor. such craziness. hogwosh. its actually an old renovated barn that they turned into a church. it may be interesting. but the pictures looked quite beautiful. at this point-any CHURCH will do. so long as its a church. i just really dont want to have to have it at the reception site. :/ i will let you know how it goes.

i have some exciting news to post in the next month or so-but i will keep you in suspense until then. :)

never ending bridal parties and pigs for dogs...

over another week has gone by since my last post...life seems pretty crazy of late. first things first.

im normal. wait.....okay, maybe im not normal, but my tests look good. yay! the dr. thinks i just passed out. and if it keeps happening, they will look into it further. works for me. enough about that. agh. so sick of drs. and my health...

jaelynn had to get glasses. poor kid! she looks adorable though. she looks even more intelligent than she did before.... she is loving them, so far anyway. i remember i was sooo excited when i got glasses when i was young-however that lasted like, um 5 minutes...

it snowed today. and then got really icy. and FREEZING. can someone please tell me why i decided to get married in december? in the freezing state of wisconsin??? still havent figured out what possessed myself to have a wedding in the middle of december in below zero temperatures....ill let you know if i figure that one out...

kell and i went to the packer vs bears game yesterday. had a BLAST!!! even more fun since the packers won. the packer-bear rivalry is like georgia-tennessee rivarlry or georgia-florida rivalry. (or insert your biggest college or high school rival here) plus, they had to win if they wanted a chance at the playoffs. we had great seats-12th row.

so i now have officially 10 (!) bridesmaids. i had thought about asking kelly's 3 sisters to be in the wedding, but didnt know....and then kelly and i talked about it and he really, really wanted me to. and well, i had thought about it before we talked about it and did want to. they do a lot for kell and i, so its important for them to be a part of our day, too. so thats exciting. they were surprised and excited, so that made kelly and i happy.

next week is thanksgiving and my sister steph and her familia are coming from kentucky-so im excited since i havent seen them since leah's wedding. yay! i miss her....and then we will all get to go bridesmaid shopping, too, so i am looking forward to that. only one year away-its so far, but i know its going to fly by.....im excited.

my sister leah bought her new puppy, piggy over this weekend. hes a boston terrier-and is precious. hes only 9 weeks old and is sooo cute. emersyn thought he was a real pig for the first 45 minutes.....it was cute. when we finally explained to her that he was acutally a dog, she kinda looked at us like, 'are you sure'? :)

phew.

i just spent an hour reading all my fav blogs-catching up....i havent been on blogger in over a week, so i am so out of the loop. im in such a funk :/ but reading and cactching up was what i needed.

tuesday morning, around 4am sampson got up to go pee. so i got up, put my house coat on and trudged along to take him outside. he takes forever to go pee....what was weird was i felt suprisingly 'awake'. anyway, i was standing there for about 5 minutes when i had this really weird sensation come over me. i didnt feel light headed or anything, i just felt weird. like my head had goose bumps. its hard to describe. the next thing i remember, i was on the ground and sampson was jumping all over me, trying to 'rouse' me. i was somewhat disoriented, trying to figure out what happend, so i got up and walked in the house. i felt nauseated and proceeded to throw up and went and got back in bed. i laid there for about 5 minutes, trying to figure out what happened, did i pass out? did i have a seizure? so i called my mom and told her what happened. i started to get a really bad migraine. so i went back to bed and around 8am, i called the doctor to make an appointment. they told me i needed to go the ER. so-i did. i spent 8 hrs in the emergency room and after a long day of tests, they still didnt know what happend-syncope vs seizure. so they set me up to have an EEG the next day. i felt like crap and wanted nothing more than to get in my bed, but for an EEG-you have to be very sleep deprived (less than 4 hours of sleep and no caffeine for 24 hrs). so i stayed up the majority of the night and went and had my EEG wednesday morning. I havent gotten any results back yet-and until i do, i cant drive. aaaaaghhh. my MRI of my head was abnormal-no MS, but some kind of congenital defect. so whether or not that affects anything, i dont know, i havent actaully seen my dr. since before the MRI. so now i have to start seeing my neurologist again, which is probably a good thing since ive been getting migraines like once a week again and have this missing artery in my brain-but im sooo sick of not feeling 'good'.....i hate going to the doctors. and due to all my stress, ive been getting cold sores EVERY 2 WEEKS. LITERALLY-the doctor even put me on a daily dose of valtrex to help me from getting them.....enough about that though... just keep me in your prayers...

its getting cold. i think the fall/summer weather has left us for good. today we had a mix of sleet/snow mix at times. yuk. and i hate day light savings! its 4:30 and its already half dark out! something to be excited about-one year, one month and 3 days until our wedding. not that im counting :)today is my parents wedding anniversary. they have been married forever. i think 33 yrs?? crazy.i think i have baby fever. originally, kelly and i were going to wait like 5 or 6 years after we got married before having another baby-but i find myself wanting to try pretty soon after we get married for a baby. i dont want the kids to have too much of an age gap...plus, we were going to wait to have a baby until we bought a bigger house, but we decided that we are going to put an addition onto my house and just live here for a while and get out of debt. kelly is going to go back to school, i am so excited for him. he makes more money than i do, but he just isnt happy and his job is so physically harsh on his body that by 50 he'll have to retire-even being in as good shape he is in. they say that most masons die within 7 years of retiring-thats crazy. and the retiring age is much younger than the average job....he doesnt know exactly what he wants to do yet, but hes thinking criminal justice, teaching, nursing or a paramedic. i could really see him being an elementary teacher, but he doesnt know if he wants to go to school for 4 years....the other degrees he can do in 2 years, but teaching he has to go for 4. i just want him to be happy. we have grown so much in the last 6 months, its crazy. it makes me even more excited for where we are going in our relationship. i am sooo lucky. God has truly blessed me and my girls. he brings me so much joy, but also provides me with such strength. i cant wait to grow old with him.

well, i think thats all for now. hopefully ill get my test results back soon and be able to drive. such a simple luxury taken away-its driving me CRAZY!!!!!! especially since the weather is crappy out so we cant really do anything outside....anyway, God's in control, i trust He will take care of me and get me thru this...

why cant i just be 'whelmed'

or underwhelmed? or not-at-all whelmed? i know everyone always says 'God never throws anything at you you cant handle' and i believe that....but sometimes i wonder....i have been thru sooo much-just about everything in my short 27 years. granted-there are PLENTY of people who have had it A LOT worse-dont get me wrong. but sometimes i feel like im at the end of my rope. and i cant handle much more. like if one more thing happens....agh.

im falling apart. near the verge of a nervous breakdown. yep. my eye keeps twitching. (seriously, its driving me crazy). we still havent found a church. im having some 'health' issues-which is nothing really new, my doctors are just taking it a bit farther. i have to have an MRI of my head on wed. i am super nervous. they want to rule out MS. (multiple sclerosis.) i know. serious business. im not sure how i feel about it b/c i refuse to think about it....(nurses and drs. are the WORST patients.) but its out of my hands, and in Gods. i am surrendering it to Him. or trying to anyway. :/ im scared. i wont lie. im sure i am fine, but its one of the most difficult to diagnose diseases known. i have an aunt and second cousin who has it. and a lot of my symptoms that i have been having for the last year + are classic MS symptoms. doesnt necessarily mean anything, but its does worry me some. and...im super claustorphobic. my MRI of my back was only 20 min-and they had a hard time with me....and this will take at least an hour and a half....my dr. called me in some ativan-but ive taken that for panic attacks before, and it really doesnt do a whole lot to 'calm' or 'sedate' me....so the anxiety is steadily building. ive talked to some of the anesthesia docs and they said theyd block some extra time on wed. in case they need to come and sedate me....which im sure is going to be the case.

and now my garage door broke tonight. for like the umpteenth time. currently, kelly and my dad are going on um...2 hours outside trying to fix it and ahem....the last i checked, it was in much worse shape than it started. so its not looking good. and did i mention that its 30 degrees outside? with flurries? yeah. cold.

my running has been on hold for the last week b/c i was sick last week due to getting my flu shot and then getting sick as a result of my flu shot....and now they want me to 'hang tight' until they figure out whats wrong with me. so, for those who believe in God, say a prayer for me....

guys have security issues, too...

so, i watched kelly spend over 30 minutes writing two-3 lined thank you cards to dr. s-the orthopod i work with who fixed his arm and to dr. a, the anesthesiologist who over sought his care during surgery. he even wrote a 'practice' version on scrap paper. i was doing the dishes while he sat at the table, reading out loud to me what he was going to write, and i was thinking 'i cannot believe he is taking this long to write this'.....but i didnt say anything, b/c he was trying soo hard.... bless his heart. but, writing has always been kinda easy for me, and we all know how guys are with expressing their feelings.... for the most part anyway. so as i was washing the dishes, i bought up the subject of going out with one of the drs. i work with and his wife on a date one of these nights. he and kell are a lot alike and i think they'd hit it off. (that sounds weird-i mean i think they would get along well. :))immediately kelly says 'no'. agh. i get defensive b/c i feel like he doesnt want to b/c he is intimidated by the status of the word 'doctor'. i mean, i understand it to a point, but i would never put him in an uncomfortable situation or be friends with shallow people. and if there something i cant stand-its judging people. just bc hes a 'doctor' all of the sudden hes 'better' than you? whatever. so i mumbled under my breath about not having a social life and kelly being anti-social. it left my feathers ruffled and we were irritated with each other. i feel like we have no 'friends' b/c he never wants to step out and get to know other people-and its not like we have to do it all the time, but every now and then, like 1 or twice a month, id like to take a break and go on a date by ourselves or with another couple. we NEED that.

so about an hour after he went home, he called and apologized and said that he just feels 'ashamed' and 'embarrassed' b/c of where he is at with his life. the fact that he isnt working right now (b/c of his arm injury-which he has NO control over) and that is living at home-in an effort to get out of debt. he says he doesnt want to tell people that, especially people who are highly 'successful' i.e. doctors....,or that he doesnt know very well. but he says he understands my need to get out and socialize with other couples and they would do it b/c he loves me and as my 'husband' (i know we arent quite there-but you know what i mean). i told him i understand his insecurities, we all have them but these people are MY friends, and would never judge him unfairly. and just b/c they are 'doctors' doesnt mean anything. they, too, have security issues, b/c outside of their profession, they want nothing more than to be treated like regular PEOPLE. instead, people constantly walk on eggshells around them, and are putting on some fake show, being someone they arent. i guess i didnt realize how 'insecure' he felt about all this...but he needn't .... i tried to reassure him. i am a social person-i mean, i am very content with my life, however-i do feel like i need some friends. i really dont have anyone i call up 'just for coffee' or to go grab a drink. or to go to the park with the kids, other thank kelly or my family members. i need to make some friends in this place....and kelly is the opposite, he feels like he needs nothing more than me and the kids. and his family. and thats fine-our needs vary slightly. so anyway, hopefully, i can get him more comfortable in his shoes and to understand that where he is at is nothing to be ashamed of. quite frankly i think he is at a great place in life. hes got ME :) ha ha

houston, we have a problem

um. okay. i have a minor problem.

so, i may or may not have planned my whole wedding without calling my church to make sure my day was available.....i mean, there is plenty of time.....so i called today, only to be told that 'we dont do weddings in december' because of the christmas programs, etc. WHAT?!? you.have.got.to.be.kidding.me. she may have stunned me into silence. i was met by 'hello, are you there?' 'ummhmm. okay. thanks. bye.' click. are you freaking kidding me?!?


NOW WHAT? its the friggin dead of winter and 4 of the 7 of my bridesmaids are from down south and would never survive an outdoor wedding, not that i would even think about it. its just not possible. and NO, im not changing the date. i WANT a winter wedding.....grrrr......

any ideas????? maybe we will just elope....that idea is getting better and better..... :/

*momentary lapse of insanity*

that last little post, that was me losing, or having done lost my mind.....

i think i have recovered from my little breakdown, temper tantrum, hissy fit, or whatever you want to call it. my kids drove me up the wall and across the ceiling tonight. wow. i mean, wow. its been really crazy lately with kell being out of commission. im like a single mom again. full time. i have to say it has made me really appreciate him and all he does for me-just having him here sometimes keeps me sane. ya know? like they can be going bat shi* crazy and we will just look at each other-and its okay. but now im on my own, pulling my hair out. i DO NOT miss those days. at.all.

kelly always comments on how patient i am. i dont feel like i am. he says it amazes him how patient i am with the kids. ha. coulda fooled me. i feel like im am often too impatient. im feeling so overstimulated and overwhelmed. my head is buzzing. we even went for a walk. i refused to put emersyn in the stroller so she would tucker herself out. let me tell you-she is the turtle of all turtles. hilarious. my family comments on how slow i am....this child is my image.....she is soooo s.l.o.w. but so cute. i kept having to 'race' her to get her to move....apparently the walk did nothing to curve the endless energy of my 2 crazy kids....

speaking of race, i had my duathalon yesterday. i dont event think i mentioned it in my blog....i did a duathalon yesterday. :) there, i mentioned it. it was a 5K run, 32 mile bike, 1 mile run. omg, the weather was gorgeous. the leaves, phenomenal. i even saw a bald eagle on my bike ride. it was good. no panic attacks this time, however- after my run i got a bloody nose. big deal right? well, not really except that in all of my 27 years, i have NEVER, i mean NEVER gotten a bloody nose. it was bizarre. i was pedaling away and i looked down at my hands-and there was blood-everywhere! what the heck i was thinking....i looked down at my legs, thinking i scraped myself or something. no blood. so i just kept pedaling. then i felt something dripping down my face- i had bronchitis all week, so i was still congested in my chest/nose. so i wiped my nose-and blood-everywhere. luckily i had a bunch a kleenex, so i was able to shove some kleenex up my nose, but it was craziness. weird things happen to me when i do these things!!! what is my body telling me?! at about mile 15, i hit somewhat of a 'wall'-i wasnt really tired-just started getting bored and my butt hurt from biking. so i started singing to myself and being weird....it was grand. :) and then the last mile of the bike, my stomach decided to go on strike. oh.dear. i prayed it could just hold on until i was done running.....but it was not happy. if youve ever done a duathalon, you know after doing a long bike and going into a run-your calves tend to cramp up-and omg, mine did worse than the last time i did.....it was horrible.but i kept running. veeerrry sllllooooww, at sloths pace, but i kept going....at the 1/2 mile mark, my stomach issues kicked in full effect and i was squeezing my butt cheeks together....it was horrible. bbbuttt, i finished. almost one of the last people, but thats okay. :) i did it. and i feel pretty good today, my neck hurts from biking, but thats pretty much it.

ahhh. i have had approxamitely 10 minutes of silence now. could it be that the rascals have finally fallen asleep????

thats it!

agh.

i am firing myself from motherhood. can i do that?

a whole new level...

so kell had his surgery yesterday. it was a really looongg day. overall, surgery went well. kell is having a lot of pain though. which is to be expected, i mean, its major surgery....kelly was sooo nervous, like in tears nervous. i wasnt nervous about the surgery-i work with those doctors daily, and have an intense amount of trust in them-so i wasnt worried that anything bad was going to happen to him, but i found myself nervous b/c he was nervous. his nervous energy was making me nervous. it was driving me crazy. (bless his heart) lo and behold, everything went great. he says the first thing he remembers about waking up is seeing me walk into the recovery room. (how sweet, i know) he kept trying to flash me. (yes im serious) he kept pulling his blanket and gown up over his head trying to get me to look. what a goob. today when i was telling him this, he had no recollection of this. i didnt expect him to-anesthesia is crazy like that. he has a cast from his shoulder to his hand. so-this of course means no showering. it means sponges baths. since the cast is all the way up to his shoulder, his arm is bent at a 90 degree angle in a sling. he can take it out to bathe. so-guess who gets the lucky chore of bathing him.....ME.

so this morning, he asked me to help him take a bath. great. his bathtub is very small. kelly is not. add the factor that we cant get his cast wet and it just adds a whole nother issue. plus it was just weird. i bathe my kids. i used to bathe OLD, wrinkly, demented patients whose body parts were pretty much indistinguishable....(ew). so i whipped out the saran wrap and wrapped up the cost as a precautionary. i must say it was quite the site (bah, ha, ha) seeing kelly in this itty bitty bath tub. he was so awkward, bless his heart. family members, ali, you especially, this was NOT romantic....

for those who may not know, kelly and i do not partake in sexual activities of any sort. we arent having sex until we are married. waaiiit, you say, you have a baby. it was immaculate conception, just dont tell anyone. i dont want my secret to get out. just kidding. back in the day, we did have sex, however, when we got back together 1 1/2 years ago, we both agreed that we wanted to do this right, and right for us is waiting until we are married. so rather than tempt ourselves, we really just dont put ourselves in any situations that could compromise our promise to each other and God....that doesnt mean it isnt hard. we struggle daily. daily. daily.....especially since we have been there with each other.

but anyway, back to the bath. it was interesting, i mean, i was thinking while i was washing his cute little butt, if i had to do this everyday, it sure would suck. but id do it. bc i love this man. i mean, its 2 weeks that i will have to do this, bathe him, help his dress, tie his shoes. but if need be, id do it every day. simply bc i love him.

texting monster

kelly is cell phone illiterate. up until about 6 months after emersyn was born, he didnt even have a cell phone. i text all the time. i love it. when im not in the mood to talk-its my main way to communicate. or if im just too busy to have an actual conversation-its what i do. i have tried time and time again....to teach him how to text....to no avail. i mean, whats so hard about it? agh. so the other night i was working and earlier in the day kell and i had 'argued' or irritated each other. so he called me at work to tell me he loved me (awww, i know) and then, 'did you get my text messages?' whhhaa? he sounded like a 5 year old on christmas. 'i figured it out! i figured out how to text today!' oh. so we ended our conversation. sure enough, i check my phone. four text messages. four. consecutive. 'i love you.' 'i want your body' (who says this-like hes in high school). 'i miss you'. 'i love you soooo much.' goober. what a goober. i created a monster. he texts me all the time now. all.the.time. oookkaay, i admit, its kinda cute. i mean, i kinda like getting a midday 'i love you' text....its just funny....*sigh*


have i mentioned lately how dreamy my fiance is???? well, if i havent.....let me just tell you....i have the most ah-may-zing man ever. dont worry, ill save all the sappy details, but i am sooo lucky.

the secret to writing??

so my fellow blogger friend playful professional did a post about the secret to writing....that the 'secret' is that people want to know things they dont know (duh, right), not day to day things, ya know? does this make sense? she shared some pretty intense things about herself, and while for some it may not be a big deal, she felt better afterward, just to get it out there.....so, here goes some of my 'secrets'.....


1. there are some days i desparetly miss my old life. the one with no responsibility and the days when i could sleep in until 11am and 2 small children didnt depend on me and everything that i did or didnt do. and sometimes find myself feeling jealous when my friends or younger sisters go out without me-even though i really have no reason to be....that being said, i DO NOT regret or would NOT change anything in the world-but i think its a normal emotion for me to long for my youth, especially since i was a teen mom...

2. out of my 5 sisters, i have always been considered the one that looks the 'least' like the others, according to my sisters and others....i hate that. it drives me crazy when people say it bc i think my sisters are gorgeous and when people say that, i feel like they are insulting me- saying 'you are ugly, you look nothing like your beautiful sisters'.

3. i loathe roller coasters. they dont make me sick, i hyperventilate on them. seriously. i cant breathe. i have like a full-blown panic attack on them. actually, even on some water slides i do this, too, just not as bad....

4. i hate meeting new people. or talking to new people. it sounds snotty, i know. its not that at all. ive just never been good at starting conversations with people i dont know or faking genuine-ness. like that girl at the bar, who can just strike a convo with any random dude-not me, never has been, no matter how much alcohol may have been involved....

5. i was born with high frequency hearing loss. to sum it up-i cant hear. :) i actually have hearing aids, but havent worn them since i was a freshman in high school. i actually just got my hearing tested a month ago and am going to get new hearing aids, once i can afford them...

6. if i could be anything and not have to worry about money, it would be a makeup artist. crazy, i know....but those who know me, this probably wouldnt surprise them at all....i personally dont hardly wear any make up at all, and thats not its really about. but i am fascinated and always have been by make up and beauty. i did my sisters make up for her wedding and all her proms and homecomings. and i love it. to this day, it is still a passion of mine.

7. i hate seafood. it makes me gag. enough said. blech.

8. i have never been gambling. there are casinos all over here in wisconsin, but when i lived in georgia, it was illegal. its probably a good thing ive never been...i have an addictive personality, id probably just get myself in trouble.

9. i am afraid of dying. i am not afraid of where i am going after i die, i know im going to spend eternity with God in Heaven, but i am afraid of the process and the physical pain. i am also afraid of the pain it will cause my loved ones-even though they will have peace knowing i am with my Lord and Savior. does this make sense?

10 i have an obsession with biore pore strips. its probably unhealthy for me to be as attatched as i am to them. it says on the package to use 'sparingly'. heh. i use them about oh every 3 days. but they are sooo fun!

11. i dont believe in censorship. i mean when it comes to body functions like pooping and farting. last week, dr. g, one of my neurosurgeons walked by me in the hall as i was on my way to the bathroom to go poop and asked if i would get him a cup of coffee. first of all, i am not your maid (which i told him) and second of all, i said, 'i cant, im going to go to the bathroom to poop.' he looked at me and just bust out laughing. he thought it was the most hilarious thing ever. when i got done, he was dictating his note, and i leaned over his shoulder and said, 'would you like me to get you a cup of coffee?' pause. 'i washed my hands.' and he started laughing again.

12. i think i daydream/fantasize more than the average person. i feel like i am always thinking about winning the lottery or building a big house, or losing 40 lbs (ha). it seems my mind is anywhere but here.

13. i miss georgia soooooooo much. so. much. i ask myself if this would be the case if i lived there or is it just one of those 'grass is greener' type things....but i just love that place so much. its not just that my friends are there, its the PLACE. the city. i love it. everything about it. the job opportunities, the beautiful living area, the closeness to atlanta, the closeness to the mountains, the closeness to the ocean. i have conceded that i will probably always be here in wisconsin b/c to kelly, this is home, and thats okay, but gosh i miss that place.

14. i am doing my first 15K nov. 30 and am super pumped. and nervous-especially after my panic attack in my marathon relay...but ive been doing 3-4 times a week 5 mile runs and can finally start to feel and notice a difference again in my body. i love getting to that point....

15. im slow. this is no surprise to my family members...i just like to take my time is all. i must say though, since having kids, i have definately picked up the pace. in high school i wore my hair in a pony tail every day and it took me over an hour daily to get ready for school. doing what, i have NO clue, but yes-over an hour. now, i get up an hour before work on a school day to get myself and 2 kids ready, including jaelynn ready for school and leave 20 min before i have to be at work. it can be done.

a broken bison bone and a troll for a fiance....

ah yes. according to jaelynn, kelly has broken his bison bone. kids, arent they the darndest. actually, tuesday night, poop hit the fan and kelly ruptured his distal bicep muscle. only 5% of people do this. he has such a demanding job, very physically demanding. so you can see how he this could happen on the job. NOPE.

scene:
was a nice fall evening. we decided to take the kids for a walk to the park. the kids were running around on the playground, jae and kelly were chasing each other. jaelynn jumped on the merry-go-round and kelly went to spin her and reached back with his arm and *snap*, he heard it snap and felt it pop. he yelped 'agh, somethings not right' and immediately ripped off his shirt so i could look at his arms. sure enough, visibly to the naked eye, you could tell, something, wasnt right. what, i didnt really know. no bones were broken. hmm. he is now SCREAMING at me, 'what is wrong with me' and i am going, very calmly, 'i have no idea'. and him, 'YOUR A NURSE. YOUR SUPPOSED TO KNOW.' oh. really. so, after all this time, NOW you are going to give me the credit i deserve???? you see, he doubts my judgement on everything. he always second guesses me, always goes against what i say when it comes to this kind of stuff, but now suddenly, im supposed to know. wtf. so i called my work. asked one of my colleagues. she didnt know either. i was pretty sure it was a muscle tear-but what do they do???? we never get these in the OR, so 1) they are either uncommon, or 2)they aren't serious enough that they get admitted so they go thru day surgery so i never see them. so....the long and short of it....he ruptured his distal bicep muscle. and....he has to have surgery. wait...theres more....hes going to be off work for at least 6months.... major rehabilitation is required for this surgery, so he is really bummed.

so we went to his dr. appt this morning to find out when surgery was going to be, and i told him he couldnt have anything to eat or drink before hand-in case they wanted to do surgery today-because you have to be 'npo' which means you cant have eaten or drank in 8 hours. holy troll monster. grumpy with a capitol G. whoa. watch out. seriously, he was a force to be reckoned with. i was glad to dump him out of my car and go into work. sheesh. so, he has surgery on tuesday. he is soo nervous. :( i was able to get off so i can take him and be with him there, which will be nice. i was also able to pick the anesthesiologist i wanted on the case, so at least i now he has a good anesthesiologist and surgeon. :) and good nurse for afterward (me, of course! ;))

so yeah, it has been a crazy couple days....:/ and the weather is getting cold. i hate it. freezing at night time? what is that all about? not cool.

love hate relationship with my job.

im sick of being discriminated against b/c i am 'young'and 'verbal' in my job. my boss constantly does it. in previous posts, i have voiced issues about a few people in my job....having issues with these few again....and my boss.....im sick of it.

i can suggest something and its not a good idea. someone else-'older' or 'wiser' can suggest the SAME thing, and suddenly, its a GREAT idea. it gets old. real fast. and im over it.

im premenstrual...and so a little bit more touchy than usual....

more ouchness...

so i did tabata.....wow.

i dont know that my body has ever been so sore. seriously. i had off yesterday and i could barely move. no joke. i walked like a 90 year old woman. actually, a 90 year old woman probably walked better than me....and i was huffing and puffing harder after 4 minutes than i was after my 5 mile marathon run....no joke. you guys need to try this.

meanwhile, hurricane jae/emerysn and world war 3 struck my house this morning....agh. emersyn woke up waaay to early, and very grumpy, which is a rare affair. so when she does, watch out. at 6:30 a.m. it was mass chaos in my household. emersyn was chasing jaelynn around the kitchen table trying to take her bowl of cereal and put it in the sink, for no reason at all. and was screaming bloody murder the whole time. for no reason at all....agh...thank goodness the windows were closed, or neigbors would have called the officials.... ;) thank God its friday....

hoping to get in a nice hour long run after work, if my legs allow me to, we shall see.....hope you all have a wonderful fall-ish weekend.

confused.

a good friend of kelly's and my older sisters' committed suicide last night. he hung himself. he left behind 2 twin boys, and of course, many who loved and cared deeply for him. i am so confused though. i suffer from depression. over half of our country does. however, i dont understand what drives people to suicide. i am NOT being critical. i am seriously trying to understand what goes thru the human brain that leads to this point. i have been so low that i have questioned why things happen, but i have never contemplated taking my life. i have too much to live for. it hurts me for these people, that they hurt this much. i want to reach out and help them, to touch them in a way they have never been touched, so that they would know that they are WORTH it. worth living for. and the anger and hurt that is left behind in the family and loved ones is so difficult to shoulder. it makes many question God. in times like that, its hard not to. the loved ones are left with the unanswered questions of why-and will probably never understand why. i am so sorry that it got to the point that he felt he needed to end things. i wish he would have had someone to go to, maybe he did have someone to go to. i dont know. it just makes me confused. agh.

we are often times so critical of people who are suicidal, i know i have done it. we all have. we are quick to judge. 'what can be so bad', or 'how selfish'. these are human things to think, and maybe truthful things to think, but yet, we DONT know what is in that persons head. i know that depression is a crazy thing. i know it is devastating and can ruin lives. as it has here. i know its 'not just in the head'. its a chemical imbalance in addition to the physcosocial issues. i dont think our world is educated enough about it. i know i wasnt. until i was in school for nursing. it seems that it is becoming more sociably acceptable, depression, that is, but used to be, you hear the word depression and people associated it with crazy. or psycho. loony. schizo. whatever. no one wants to be associated with those terms, so they hide it. they hide their hurt and then when something like this happens, 'no one saw it coming'. is this accurate? i dont know, im just throwing things out there. kinda rambling with my thoughts tonight, but after i talked to kell and he told me about their friend committing suicide, i just got to thinking about it all, and i was confused and frustrated...

he will never get to see his kids laugh again. or his mom smile. his wife sleep. he will never feel the cool air blowing across his face on a mid summers eve. or watch a sunset on a cool fall night. he'll never watch the packer's play football again. he wont have to shovel out the driveway after a heavy snow. he wont get to see his boys marry the loves of their life or have babies of their own......and this was his choice.......its hard to not be frustrated when people get killed in accidents everyday, and didnt get to choose whether they live or die.....i know that is harsh. and its not fair for me to say that. but its frustrating. i wish i could have helped him. i wish i could have shown him how much God loves him, and those who are grieving for him right now. although, i think he aleady knew. well, i hope he did.

make sure you tell those you love you love them. you never know when it will be the last time you'll see them, by anyones choice.

ouch all over.

well, the good news is, the marathon was great. the bad news, i had a PANIC ATTACK after mile one, which left me puking on the side of the road. and walking all of mile 2. have no fear, i got my groove back by mile 3 and made it the rest of the way.....but, back to the panic attack. i got a wicked case of the nerves before the race, which never happens. no matter how hard i tried to mentally talk myself thru it, it wouldnt subside. about half way thru the first mile, i started hyperventilating, thinking, 'oh dear, this cant be good.' and then the nausea hit....at the end of mile one, there was a ginormous hill, and that was it. i got to the top, and blech, all over the side of the road, in between trying to breathe. volunteers were trying to get medical help...i said, no im fine. GO AWAY. i felt like an IDIOT. agh. the nausea passed, but i couldnt breathe. so i walked. i was so mad. i could feel my eyes stinging-refusing to give in to tears, b/c i have worked so hard for these 5 miles! geesh. by the end of mile 2, i got myself back together, and off i went. the only problem i continued to have, was that since i had puked my guts out, i was sooooo thirsty.....and i didnt want to drink too much and get a side ache, but omg, i felt like i had sand in my mouth. needless to say, i made it in one piece. little disappointed in the outcome, but next time i will just take a xanax before hand. however, with my luck, ill probably pass out on the course....

i cant believe how tense i mustve been running, b/c my shoulders and neck are sooo sore today. its ridiculous. and my shins. i had shin splints in high school-but they havent bothered me since. im surprised they are bothering me today. the weather was perfect running weather.

so now im motivated and determined to do a half marathon. trying to recruit the sisters to join me. how fun would that be.

have ya'll heard of that 'new' exercise tabata? its supposed to be like the next best thing....supposedly it is like wickedly intense. im gonna do it. just not today. too sore. ill let you know how it goes.

im am liking the 12 hr shifts. i love having my 2 days off again. thats really nice. the days are long when im at work, but....the extra days off are sweet.

thats it for now. happy birthday alfred head. love you.

men and their foolishness.

actual conversation that took place between kell and i about a month ago...he needed a haircut...let me set the scene. it was a saturday morning, we didnt have anything particular going on at the moment...

hot fiance: 'do you think i should call and make a hair appt?'
me: 'yeah, probably.'


(HF finishes his conversation with salon and comes back in the living room. looking rather perplexed.)

me: 'so whats the verdict?'
HF: 'she had an appt this morning and then a wedding party.'
me: 'oh, that sucks.'
HF: 'i dont get it. why does a wedding party need to all get their hair cut on the same day, much less on the day of the wedding.'
me: 'are you serious?'
HF: 'what?. huh?'
(me, eye rolling and bust out laughing.)
me: 'you are such a tool. they arent getting their hair cut, they are getting it done...'
HF: 'oh.'


this is a story that always makes me smile....i even called my mom to tell her this one....

oh. and he really isnt dumb, just sometimes. ;) (arent they all.)

naked babies and sampson the weanie beast

This. dear friends, is my debit card, which has suffered the demise of a terrible mishap. aka sampson. my weiner dog. my 8 lb weiner dog.

last night i decided to be somewhat productive and pay some bills online. when all was said and done, i set my debit card on the arm rest of my oversized chair. sam was sleeping, so i thougt nothing of it....mistake number one. clearly i dont give this dog enough credit. i mean, he even chewed the right side so that technically, i can still use the card....i came back to find dear old debit card missing one corner....and of course, he didnt just chew the corner off, he ate the corner off. agh.

and on friday night, it had been raining all evening and into the night. so little sammy decided he need to go pee during the night. so, i got up and let him outside so he could his business. i was half asleep, so whatever. i let him back in, he comes scurrying back to bed. (hes the perfect cuddle buddy) all of the sudden, i feel all of this clumps of dirt and such. i turn on my light and lo and behold, sam must have decided to do his duty in my flower garden, b/c he was covered in mud. and now it was all over my bed. not a happy camper.

when i got home friday from work, emersyn and i were outside hand washing my big kitchen rug. emersyn was running around, chasing the dog, being silly. she informed me at some point that she needed to go poopy. now, my hose was leaking, so i was soaked. literally. from the chest down. so i shoved her in the house and quickly put her on the toilet so she could do her business. she finished and then wanted to take a bath. i was just about done with cleaning the rug, so i told her to hang tight while mommy finished....so. i got done and ran to the front of the house to turn off the hose. said to emersyn, 'stay in the house, ill be RIGHT BACK,' i didnt mention that she was nekked. like buck naked in preparation for her tubby. sampson chased me around to the front and took off running after a biker in the road. the next thing i knew, i hear emersyn yelling for sam, and there she is, in all her glory, her naked glory, in the front yard. with my nike running shoes on. the poor biker. he didnt know what to do. he started to laugh, and i did too. i quickly apologized and hurried emersyn's naked rear into the house.....priceless i tell you. priceless....

emersyn's bday party was great. it rained the whole time, but we and the kids still had a blast. she got a ton of gifts. spoiled...

i survived my first 12 hr shift today. woo. went by pretty quick actually. so that was good.

mass craziness

oh.my.word.

i dont know if i am coming or going. my undies may even be on inside out. (i really did do that yesterday). i havent even so much as turned on a computer in over 2 days b/c my life has been so insanely busy. aggh. this week has been crazy. i have hardly seen my kids or my fiance. or my house at that. or my bed.... :/.

school is back in swing and that has been a few minor/major adjustments on all parts... homework, making lunches, one naked 3 year old pretending to be a dog, early morning temper tantrums-you name it, we got it in my household. i had a 2 day class for work that required some major studying. like 2 days of studying... and some major stress. i felt like i was in college studying for my pathophysiology II exam all over again. dinner with some old friends on wednesday for some much needed girl time. fabulous times. jae had dance last night. emersyn's birthday party is this weekend and my house is in somewhat of disarray.... eh. havent had any time to do anything!

my MRI showed some compression between my L5-S1, but no surgery necessary. phew. but i have to have physical therapy. so i was able to start running again on monday and can still do my marathon relay next weekend. yay for that.

shhoot. as i am writing this, i just remembered that kell and i start our premarital classes tonight. which is fine and dandy any other time, but i am so exhausted. all i really want to do is just go home and curl up and finish my stephanie meyer 'twilight' book. which, btw, i originally REFUSED to get sucked into....and officially HAVE.....yep. hooked. cant.put.it.down....

i start 12 hr. shifts again on monday, which means 2 things.... less days of works, BUT....looongg days of work....(obviously) so-we shall see how it goes. im kinda indifferent to the whole thing right now bc there are good and bad about 12 hr shifts...we shall see how it all works out...

lovies

my two babies. best buddies.... they sure are perty, aint they :)

child #2

my #2 child is such a diva. well, my #1 is too, but thats already been established, but emersyn is hard core. first, she is like die hard obsessive compulsive chap sticker. every 2 minutes, its more lip gloss on. forget candy, snacks and treats, she wants lip gloss. and she has it down to an art form. she can put it on perfectly. i swear i didnt make her this way. the only make up i wear is mascara, eyeliner and, well, okay, i admit, lip gloss. but i certainly dont use it every 5 minutes! sheesh!

and now we are currently in the process of potty training her. (yay!) in which, she is doing wonderful. all except the pooping part. which im not to concerned about, b/c i figure it will come with time and as she gets the hang of it. anyway, we decide to go for a walk tonight to the park with the kids. we get to the park and lo and behold, we are in the middle of jazzfest. eh. kells all excited. whatev. not really my cup of tea. but we proceed to move to the playground. i notice that emersyn starts to do her little squirm. you know, the tell tale squirm kids do when they have to go to the bathroom...so i ask her if she has to go. and she says yes. well, all that is available are por a pottys. great. this ought to interesting.... jae had to go too, so being the 'big sister', she went first. (shes such a honey.) all it took was one look in the hole of the toilet and emersyn said 'nope, i dont gotta go'. hogwash. i knew she had to go. but she refused. gah. she was relentless. wouldnt go. so i said okay. dont go in your pants. and we continued to play on the playground. all was fine and dandy . i mean, this is the kid who has held her bladder for over 18 hrs before. kell and i were sitting on a park bench watching the girls run up and down the playground when all of the sudden we saw the flood gates open. whoosh. literally. wwhhhooosh. pee everywhere. oh.dear. kell jumped up and swiped her up as fast as he could. 'what do i do' he says. i said what do you mean. we gotta go. we didnt think to pack any extra clothes, we were just going to the park, plus she hasnt had an accident in over 3 days! she was devastated. all because she wouldnt go on the portopotty. now granted, i hate those things, too, but let me tell you, these were like the cadillac of portopotty's. they were nice. and clean. and did not smell. they even had a hand washing station/sink outside of them!

tsk tsk. emersyn......my little diva girl. :) i can only hope her standards are this high when it comes to men......

woes from the premenstrual queen

beware of the premenstrual queen.

i am having one of my few emotional breakdowns i am afraid...you know, the kinds that start off crying for one reason and then every other emotion that has been building up for the last hmmm, 4 months comes out. and suddenly its Niagara falls and i cant stop crying....it started earlier this week.

so ive been training for my relay marathon. so exciting. finally back in shape. feels great. however, enter this numbness/tingling pain that has been radiating down my legs for the last 6 months on and off....its back. worse than ever. i actually thought i was going to have to go to the ER earlier this week b/c my leg was so numb/weak/painful. so the neurosurgeon i work with and have been consulting with, had initially put me on steroids, which helped. he told me to lay off running for a bit, and i did and it got better. then it came back this week-so he says i need an MRI, he thinks i have a bulging/herniated disc. which probably means surgery. so that has been really bumming me out-not to mention im in a lot of pain. but he put me on another dose of steroids to get me over the hump until my MRI...

then, i was reading marley and me. wonderful book. and then i got toward the end. and started bawling my eyes out. hysterically. jaelynn threatened to take the book away from me b/c she doesnt like to see mom cry. omg. broke my heart. it was still a wonderful book, but you know, it was sad at the end.....and thats when the real breakdown started....

jae starts school again on tuesday. ive been upset all week b/c i didnt get to take her school shopping this summer at all. growing up, that was a tradition we had every summer at the end of summer. my mom would take all of us sisters school shopping. it was no extravagant affair, but we got some cool new clothes to start the new year. and i wasnt able to do that with jae b/c i cant afford it. and she was talking about school as i was tucking her in for bed tonight and it just broke my heart. she already has her clothes picked out for the first day of school, with shoes that are almost too small. my kids have nice clothes, but i havent been able to just buy them something for 'fun' or just 'because' in who knows how long. and i take full responsibility for it....its my own doing, but i have been working over 40 hrs a week for almost 5 months steady and still cant get ahead. and im going crazy. i didnt have money to buy neither of my sisters birthday presents or my nieces or nephews birthdays this summer. and i know they all 'understand', but its not fun being the one person in the family who cant afford to buy any gifts bc they are 'too broke'. but i still am not barely even making enough-at 40 hr a week to make it. its like something always comes up. my prescription runs out, or sampson gets sick, or more hospital bills (which are INSANE). here it is the end of the summer, and i didnt get to take my kids anywhere FUN this summer. not because i didnt want to, because i couldnt afford to. i had 2 weeks of vacation, which i had to work-b/c i couldnt afford to not to. i just feel like i have failed my kids miserably. i told jae at the beginning of the summer that we'd go to a water park sometime this summer. and we couldnt. i couldnt go visit my friends in georgia b/c i couldnt afford it, which has been a yearly trip up until this year. and everyone (including myself) keeps saying, itll get better, but im beginning to wonder if it is going to. seriously. i dont know how long i can stay above like this before i start to sink....

in an effort to save (more) money, i am going to be canceling my Internet and my cable. i dont watch tv-the only reason i have my satellite is for the animal planet, discovery channel and disney for the kids. i told jae tonight, and she was devastated. but i dont know what else to do. i dont allow them to watch that much tv anyway, so i think shell manage.... i told her we'll just rent movies from the library. as for the internet, i may be lost. kelly was speechless. he knows how much i love my internet. its my haven when the kids go to bed. thats why i dont watch tv.....once the kids are in bed, i hop on the computer. i figure i can use the internet at work. i may not get to do all that i can do from home, but my parents have internet and so does kell, so i can make it.....and hopefully, its just temporary. once i get some of these small credit cards paid off, they are done-so thatll help....all the cc are cancelled, and have been, its just a matter of getting them paid off.

what possessed me? what demon came over me in those 8 months? i wish, so desperately wish i could turn back time and make some of my financial decisions over. i think i was just so excited to be on my own, finally, like really on my own. in a house. that was mine. i owned a house. for sooo long, i had been 'independent', but yet dependent b/c i lived at home with my parents with my kids yet. i worked so hard to get thru college as a 'single mom' and blah, and blah....and now the freedom of caught up with me. bad. and now i am paying for it. bad. i am starting to have hard core anxiety over this though. at my dr. appointment today, my dr. even commented on me having anxiety-which is really NOT like me. its hard to talk to anyone in my family about my money woes-especially my parents, b/c i feel like such a letdown to them. i have already made so many mistakes-and so the fact that i have 'messed up again' comes as 'no surprise'-and so it HURTS me immensely to let them down. so as i sink deeper and deeper, i feel like i have no one to go to to ask for help and talk to about it. or my sisters. kelly understands, but he, too just kindof shakes his head at me in disappointment.

i mostly just hate that my kids have to suffer b/c of my mistakes. jaelynn, my smart little 7 year old, is waaaayyy to wise for her own good. she knows more than i give her credit for. when i dont think shes listening, she is. she knows mom is struggling. and sometimes makes comments. or says things like, 'you can use my money' or 'good thing you get paid today'. and it just breaks my heart. i do my best to not let her see it-but she is a keen child. she can sense things and she just knows.

i f'ed up. big time. *sigh*

hehe.....some funniness for all.

one of the docs printed this off and handed it to me...he figured i needed a laugh...

these are the top 9 comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Olympics they would like to take back:

drum roll please:

1. Weight lifting commentator:
'this is gregorieva from bulgaria; i saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.

2. Dressage commentator:
'this is really a lovely horse and i speak from personal experience since i once mounted her mother.'

3. paul hamm, gymnast:
'i owe a lot to my parents, especially to my mother and father.'

4. boxing analyst:
'sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. softbal announcer:
'if history repeats itself, i should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. basketball analyst:
'he dribbles a lot and the opposition doesnt like it. in fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7. at the rowing medal ceremony:
'ah, inst that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the Cox of the british crew.'

8. soccer commentator:
'julian dicks is everywhere. its like they've got 11 dicks on the field.'

9. tennis commentator:
'one the reasons andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them, oh my god, what have i just said?'


haaaaa. i have to admit, some of these would have been funny to see in person....snatch? who says that on TV? i mean, i know that must be some weight lifting term i obviously am not familiar with, but geesh!

blogger funk

yes, thats what ive been in. agh. i just havent been feeling it lately. but im back. so have no fear. but wow, i logged on, and blogger has a whole new look. craziness.

so, all these years i think i have missed my true calling. i thought i was supposed to be a nurse. im compassionate, personable and loving, right? but this weekend, i experienced something new. a renewed sense of being. something that doesnt exhaust me physically or emotionally. it doesnt require great skill, well, some, but not a huge amount of concentration anyway. it allows me to be with those i love, and has the potential to pay great money. folks, i am talking GOLF.yes. i played my first round of golf ever. im thinking of going pro. i am a master of this game. i golfed a 96 on 9 holes. okay, soooo maybe i should rethink that part about going pro. but, at any rate, kelly and i had a great time. i really didnt do that bad. we decided i had 2 things going for me 1)i hit it every time (as opposed to whiffing it) and 2)i never once went off the fairway (meaning i hit it STRAIGT. so i have a new 'hobby' and kelly was muy excited that i finally got out there with him...

so, i decided to have my first ever rummage sale this past weekend. i was sooo excited! i had some nice little items to sell. some nice leap from baby toys, some of the girl's clothes, home accessories, and some home furniture, etc. now, i am not a rummage sale person-so i dont know the ins and outs of rummage sale-ing, but i was all gung-ho. i put an ad in the paper and made signs. so saturday rolls around. my first customer was an elderly lady of about 65. no go. im thinking-no problem, just not the right client. the next few customers, nothing. wtf. so, im near panic, and its only 30 minutes into the rummage sale. i already start slashing prices. i call my mom. no answer. my dad calls. kelly calls. 'i told you so' (kelly, of course told me to 'not waste my time') not to be deterred, i held my chin up and waited patiently. i had lots of good stuff to sell! humpf. well folks. i sat. and sat. and sat. i sold about $43 worth of stuff. and $36 of it was to my mother. can we say biggest.flop.ever? and goodwill. here.i.come.=tax.deductible. so, yes, it was a wasted of times, and effort. but...oh well. lesson learned. no more rummage sales for me.

jae starts school next week. i cant decide who's more excited, me or her. (just kidding, well kind of....hehe.)

well, blogging hiatus is over. dont want to bog you down with a uuber long blog....

thoughts to ponder upon

invincible-to powerful to overcome or be defeated.

why is it that people think they are invincible? why do we say 'it wont happen to me' or 'im a good driver' or 'ive got it under control'? when the truth of the matter is, we dont. we have control over only so much. the rest? that is out of our hands. it irks me, and always has, when people have this attitude. sure-YOU maybe be a good driver, so you THINK you dont need your seat belt, but what about the freak coming down the road-who ISNT a good driver and has been drinking? and then crosses over the center line. its over-in an instant. the next thing you know, well guess what, there is no next thing. and now your family is left behind to pick up the pieces of what is left of your spirit and soul.

or you, who rides down the road looking all cool on your motorcycle with no helmet. do you know how cool youd look as a crowd of people look on at what is left of you or your skull? oh-waaaiit. you are no longer alive, so you dont know. once again, you may be 'the best driver ever', but you dont know about that deer wandering on the side of the road, about to cross your path.

or you, doctor, who thinks you fix it all. you get to put the pieces, physically, emotionally, psychologically, back together again. you work furiously to fix me, not realizing that you can only control so much. you cant control my body's response to the shock of trauma, or the stress of blood loss. you cant control the fact that it took 2 hours for the to extricate my body from a vehicle. its out of your hands.


we all do this. i do it, you do it. i see it a lot in my profession. i see it a lot in my daily life. but the reality is, there really is only so much that we can control. so. my point, take control of what you can. put your seatbelt on. your seatbelt-it will save you. you hear the very very few cases where the 'seatbelt would have killed me', but i assure you, you are more likely to walk away alive from a car accident when you do have it on. it could be the ONE time you think, 'ah-im just going down the road to get gas', but YOU cant control the external factors. your helmet, PUT IT ON. i have seen trauma patients come in with there helmets actually split in 2 from accidents. could you imagine if that was someone's head? very recently, we have had more than a couple motorcycle accidents with deer running out in the road-causing MAJOR trauma accidents. you can imagine what the outcome was for those not wearing a helmet.... and the doctor example, was to remind us all of our 'higher power'. God. its easy for me to 'preach' about seatbelts and helmets-everyone does. but to take something-a life- and work so hard to keep it alive or bring it back to life, only so much of that is in that drs. hands, too. the rest, is up to God.

what a vulnerable place to be. to know that when push comes to shove, you and i, we really have no control at all. we think we have control, and well, i guess we do, to an extent, but at any given moment, it could be over. so. the moral of my story? you arent invincible. you never will be. control what you can, but let God control the rest.

its over.

i am heartbroken. brett (favre that is) has left me. (okay, not just me, but all of us here in the lovely land of cheese). i was heartbroken when he retired, but to make it worse, he had to come back and twist the knife. now hes playing for the jets?!? agh. as if. i am going to wallow in my sorrows all day and night. *sigh*.



okay. onto the next thing. i got my dress. eeekk! i am so excited! and much to my dismay, i have tried several times, and cannot figure out how to post a picture from a website on this blogger thing. can someone help me???? i mean-i am not stupid- but everytime i do it, when i 'view' it, it doesnt 'show' up-its and error. does this make sense??

best fam ever

yep. i have the best familia ever. let it be known.

so my eldest sister jenni is in town with her family. we are a close knit fam, and when we all get together, we usually cause all kinds of ruckus. so, tuesday night after work, i got a kinda wild hair and said lets go dress shopping. well, originally, we were going to go wedding dress shopping on Saturday, but then i forgot that leah and i had a work party to go to.

i was so.excited. so first we went to dress store #1. leah, having just gotten married a couple months ago, insisted that i try on 'one of every kind' of dress....oh geez. including the 'big bird' dress. this was just so they could tease me. my mom was giggling so hard she was crying. and when she does this, she cant stop. its pretty funny. i looked like a flapper. i found a couple dresses at store #1 i liked. i for sure found the bridesmaid dresses. score. ill post them if i cant figure it out....:/ im not blogger inclined.....

store #2 was my heaven. i knew as soon as we walked in that this was 'the place' i would find my dress. and ladies and gentlemen....i am fairly certain i found my dress....i have it narrowed down to 2, but im going to go back in a couple weeks and try them on again. (its not like i dont have time, geez.)

yesterday, i spent the day picking up puke (ew) from one sick emersyn. this is the first time she has ever had the puke flu. poor baby. plus a 103 fever. and then at around 7 last night, jae started with the fever and head ache.....agggggggghhh. my poor babies. :( and my sister jen stopped over to say hi. with a car FULL of groceries. for no reason at all! she went and bought me groceries simply bc she loves me. (well, and bc shes my financial 'advisor' and knows how broke ive been) but it was so sweet.

can i just say, i have the best family ever? honestly. ive always known it, i mean, i had soo much fun, just being with them when we went dress shopping. we laughed and made a lot of funnies and i have the most beautiful sisters and mom. :) i am so lucky and fortunate that God has blessed me day in and out with such a wonderful family. it is easy sometimes, to take that for granted...but they mean the world to me. i love you family!

a whole new level

this weekend i learned to love kelly on a whole new level. its crazy how going thru the bad takes you to the good sometimes. it was a rough weekend for the 2 of us, but we got thru. its crazy how having kids shakes things up in relathionships-for the good and for the 'bad'. (not ever for the 'bad'-but stressful, if that makes sense). and its hard for people who dont have kids to understand/see that at times, and sometimes i forget that. that other non-kid relationships dont have the same 'stresses' as we do....and that will make a difference at times.

but, at any rate, i am so fortunate to have such a wonderful man in my life. so fortunate.

its official

i have the wedding bug. i have been bitten. its all i can think about. eh. no worries....i promise, there will be no bridezilla over here, i am just so excited. and i have so many ideas of what i want i dont even know where to start...ahhhh.



and.....i have FOREVERRRRRRRRRR until the day gets here.......................

**save the date**

oh yes. i must not forget....


i meant to post this a while ago....but the official wedding date.....


DECEMBER 11, 2009



save the date people.

caution: may bite

okay. so i may or may not have thrown a small 2 year old temper tantrum because kelly wouldnt buy me supper right at THAT moment and made wait until igot home to eat. *sigh* i get super ornery when i am hungry. super ornery. i hadnt eaten all day and had only 1 can of soda. so not only was i lacking in the food department, but i was also lacking in the caffeine department. so-you can imagine....so i left. i went home. threw a temper tantrum and went home.


okay.....5 minutes later....(and when i realized that i had NO food in MY house) i realized how foolish i was....and called an apologized....but warned him that you just dont mess with a hungry, decaffinated broad. :) point taken.

also, 'dear nurse' is gone, as quickly as she was here. i decided that i am too busy to do a weekly post. i dont have time :/. sorry. i know you all are 'sooo' let down....ha.


work. well, im just going to give it a rest. im done talking about it. for now. many new things have occurred, but not in the mood to talk about it. its the weekend for gosh sakes.


am on call this weekend. need some money. not happening so far. hm.

are you kidding me?

so, the rest of my day....went kinda like this. down the tubes. eh.

j boss called me in the office and more or less 'reprimanded' me for being 'too quiet' and not 'being myself'.wtf. seriously? i cant win in this place. did you seriously just call me in the office to 'yell' at me for being quiet? so i am having an off day. none of my patients suffered. i put on a smiley face for them-and even managed to make it real for them, most of the time. i ended up crying hysterically in the office. you know, that kind of crying that you do when you do when you are doing everything in your power to NOT cry-biting your tongue or the side of your cheek? and then you end up crying that much harder? yep. that was me. gah. shoot me now. needless to say-it didnt help. but.....your nice words of encouragement did t. :)

and thank you steph, for the email. i needed it.

my mom and i then went to look at a possible reception venue-that was exciting. it was beautiful. i am fairly certain it is 'the one', but i will probably check out one or two other ones....

jae had a soccer game-which was the last thing i wanted to do, but i find that coaching these kids has become such a blessing for me....it gets tiring sometimes, but they put me in such a wonderful mood....i love those girls. and gosh, i sure do miss playing. more than i realized after we stopped to watch a match of older girls. but funny story-i drove to the wrong field......thats how crappy and preoccupied i was today....i showed up at the wrong field and ultimately ended up late for the game. im such a tool. so i flew (like 77mph) on the highway across town to get to the game....it was so bloody hot. and they got their butts kicked, but they made me feel better, just being with them. :)

and then i talked to kell for an hour. its the first day in over 5 months that i havent seen him!!! ahhhh! craziness!!!! :( he is my rock.

so not into this

my heart is so not into this. i have always prided myself on leaving my issues at the door. when i come to work-whatever is going on outside of work-or whatever issues are going on at work-it gets left outside of work. b/c i am here for my patients. they need me. they need my love and they need my spirit. they need my calm sense of being. but im having a hard time doing that. i couldnt sleep last night b/c this whole work thing has me all keyed up. i havent been myself all day b/c its bothereing me. and people are noticing. im not my normal bubbly self....and i hate it. and no matter how hard i try to shake it-i cant. im not good at faking.

last night i laid in bed and prayed to God-asking Him to help me trust Him....I keep forgetting that i need to let Him lead me...i can only control so much. so often i try to control it all-and i forget that i cant....so, i am doing my best to let it be and let Him have control, but in the mean time, i am miserable. i just dont want to be here-i love my patients, but i want to lay in bed and just disappear from it all for a while.

torn

i am so unhappy with the job right now. actually, this has been an ongoing saga-for a couple of months. and can i just say that i am one of the easiest people to please? seriously. it doesnt take a lot to make me happy. i get along with everyone. i dont like confrontation, i get along with the most difficult of people, i am one of the hardest working people you'll meet, and even though i am 'young'-i am very responsible. in my department-there are only about 8 other people-that is just in PACU. so its fairly small. and only one is a boy. so of course, there is plenty of drama....i tend to stay away from it. i dont like it. people will complain to me-and ill listen-but i often keep my mouth shut-b/c thats how i roll...but....no matter how i roll....there are a select couple that are out to get me. honestly. they are constantly trying to make my life a livin hell. they already literally drove one employee out-and now they are trying to drive me out, i think. and i hate to say it-but i think its working. at first, i was thinking to myself-i refuse to let them win-but when they put my integrity on the line-thats when i draw the line. when they try to make me look bad-nope. thats when it stops. i am not going to jump thru hoops to try to get these people to 'like' me-when i could care less about them. seriously.agh. the pathetic thing? they are twice my age-old enough to be my mother. and yet i have more maturity than they. yet with any petty issue-they run straight to the boss or behind my back instead of coming to me. not only that, i get so sick of a job that has two different standards. where its one set of rules for this person but a completely different set for that one. i dont want to do this anymore. it is making me hate the profession all togehter. and if you think you all are sick of hearing about all the healthcare issues/costs, etc in the news-welcome to my world, tenfold. on a daily basis, this is what i deal with, in some way shape or form. granted, its what i do-but you can imagine....

i am not happy. my job isnt a job that i can just leave at the desk. or when 4pm rolls around, just 'call it a day'. and it sucks. i try to explain to kelly that there is a start time, but never an end time....nursing has one of the highest burn out rates in any profession-right along side of doctors...ha. i have begun to look for a new job-but its difficult b/c a lot of nursing jobs are split shifts-like 7a-7p and then 7p-7a-and working night shift isnt exactly kosher with my childcare situation.....im giving myself an ulcer stressing about it....:/