no regrets

i remember the day that i left georgia for good.... jaelynn's dad and i had split up. jae was only 6 months old, i was only 20 years old. my parents and family lived in wisconsin. i was young, naive and had become fiercly dependent on shawn. i called my parents the day before, in tears, thinking my life as i knew it was over.... 'can you come and get me?' my parents, though they supported me, never really approved of my relationship with shawn. he was ten years older than me, had a history of drugs and alcohol and partying and never could really hold a steady job. they dropped everything they were doing, and made the 20 hour drive to north georgia to come take me and my baby home. i was so lost. i had once been known to be a strong, independent girl, but thru my relationship with shawn, i had gotten caught up with drugs, alcohol and become this girl who didnt even know how to stand on her own two feet. as i packed my belongings, tears flowed, how was i going to go on? my little girl wasnt going to have a daddy anymore, my friends, my life-it was all there in georgia. my relationship with my parents was a bit strained due to my relationship with shawn-but they embraced me and held me when they arrived. they helped me pack everything in the truck, and my dad didnt lecture me when he found a bong in the basement.... as we drove out of the georgia mountains, i remember crying hysterically, thankful for being alone in my car, following my parents in their truck, to have my 'last moments' of the place that i called home by myself.

fast forward. to today. i think about that girl on that day, in the year, or two years to follow-and who she was and i am amazed....i miss georgia everyday. the mountains. my best friends ever. the city. the southern food. the southern accents. southern hospitality. but that life. no. id never go back. it took me at least a year, two years before i could stand on my own two feet. i had become so dependent on shawn that i had to re-grow up.... but i did it. with the help of my loved ones, and God, i did it. in fact, i became so independent, that when kelly and i first started dating again, it was very difficult for me to let myself learn to depend again on someone....shawn has not been very involved in jae's life-and thats his choice. he calls about every 6 or 7 montsh (usually on the holidays). i spent the first year and half trying soo hard to get him to be a part of her life, but i learned that i cant make him...he will realize someday that he is missing out on the greatest love ever, his childs. i have always told him that i will NEVER say anything bad to jaelynn about him, regardless of how i feel about him, and i have kept my word. because i want her to be able to make her own decisions about whether she wants to have a relationship with him or not when shes old enough. and when shes 16 and wants nothing to do with him-it will have been HER own decision and i will have done nothing to sway her choice-it will have been all on him. i believe that she will truly see him for what he is (or isnt) some day. its hard to watch-seeing your child have to hurt is the most painful pain one can endure. jaelynn has seen him one time since we left, about a year and a half ago. she spent the day with him, and had a good time. she clings to that memory with all her heart. she has had a hard time with the fact of kelly and i getting married, even though she loves kelly with all her heart. she admits that she blames kelly for shawn not being there. even though its not kelly's fault...kelly treats jae like his own daughter, always has, even before emersyn was born. he calls her his daughter, and is amazing with her. it kills me the way jaelynn hurts, this all recently came to a head-and we have started taking her to a counselor. the counselor tells me that though she knows i want to protect her from shawn hurting her with empty promises-like him telling her he'll come and visit and not, like he has several times, i have to let him let her down so that she will see what kind of person he is. and the best thing i can do when he hurts her is to love her....that is sooo hard. but i never thought of it that way. for so long i have tried to protect her. i have so much hatred toward shawn for hurting her, and because it is affecting jaelynn's relationship with her and kell, and us as a family-but i know it will get better.

the reality of it is, i have no regrets thinking about that day i left. (obviously). i miss my friends soo much-but they are in my heart, and we stay in close touch. i have 2 beautiful girls. they are my sun in my sky and the light of my life. there are days that i would like to quit motherhood, but we all have those days....and of course, i dont really want to quit, take a break, maybe....but it is amazing to think that these two girls are mine, and are a product of me....not to mention this wonderful, amazing, loving fiance that i have. who has weathered the worst storm possible with me (ill have to blog about it some day-you guys will be suprised at our story) and stuck by my side thru thick and thin. my first kiss in the 8th grade, my first true love. he loves me for me, flaws and all and would never try to change me. he loves my family. he loves God. there are no regrets. i am the luckiest girl alive.