a new kind of pms

something new....

the kind of pms that has me oh-so clingy. like i cannot stand to think about having kelly not at my side ??? what is this all about? im never like this. humpf. the kind of pms that has me laying next to him on the couch just star gazing at him for endless minutes. the kind of clingy that makes me short of breath just thinking about him....kinda wierd. i dont know. what is this all about???? ga.

oops.

note to self:

you are not allowed to cut your bangs. ever. i mean, what would possess you in the first place? you cant-and have never been able to-cut a straight line. what a catastropic event. your sister is getting married in less than one month. fantastic. time for damage control.

reality

i am so in love it scares me.

eh.

went for my first lonnng run in a looooonnnnng time..... (it was about 4 or 5 miles)

my abs hurt.
my nose keeps running.
i felt like i may actually vomit.
i was all kinds of dizzy.
my muscles are tight.
my shin splints hurt.
i hurt all over.
man, i am soo reminded of how out of shape i am whenever i start to run again...




i LOVE it.

down 15 lbs..... :)

my loopy poopy

this past weekend was my little sisters (she's only 2 years younger) leah's bachelorette party. she's getting married in a month. to the man of her dreams. honestly, until she met brandon, i didnt really think shed get married. like, seriously. and she really didnt think it was her thing, either. she always had serious boyfriends, though. in middle school- it was jonathan grogan-i think they dated for like 2 years. then it was blake in high school. my parents loved him. he drove me crazy. he was so ugly.(ew.) in college it was brian, then chris. they dated for quite a while. chris even babysat for jae sometimes. he was an education major at UW-O-great with kids. he and leah loved a lot of the same things. he got leah-and myself, ultimately into biking, and running. they liked the same music, tattoos, art, being different. my parents and fellow sisters kinda thought that chris was maybe 'the one.' i think for a while leah maybe even thought chris was 'the one.' but i knew better. dont get me wrong, chris was a GREAT guy. still is. sweet kid. good head on his shoulders. but he and leah, they are waaayyy too much alike. and not good for each other. too moody-for each other, anyway. and then there was brandon. it was really funny because i vividly remember when leah first told me about this brandon guy. she didnt really know him but thought he was cute. he was goofy. he liked hip hop. she liked punk. he wore polyester and clothes that he had from the 6th grade. he wore 'bling' and huge fake chains for 'fun'. he and his friends would 'dress up' and go out. they were absolutely crazy. he played volleyball at UW-O. He, too, was an education major at the college. he was in some of the same classes that chris was in. when she talked about him, shed get all giggly about him-leah NEVER got giggly about ANYONE. THATs when i knew he was different. they started talking and when they started dating, shed actually show public displays of affection. WHOA! this was new. leah was not an overly affectionate person-period-even with her boyfriends. he was the first boy to not put up with her crap. this is when i knew he was 'the one.' i often wonder if i knew he was 'the one' before they did. seriously. i really do. leah and i have always been 'close'-being in that we are only 2 years apart, but thru high school, we had that love-hate relationship. it was definitely more hate, but if anybody ever messed with my little sister, watch out...after i graduated is, of course, when we began to become closer. i consider her my best friend now. we arent as close now that i have my 2 kids and my boyfriend, and she her fiance and career, but when push comes to shove, she means the world to me. we get on each others nerves at times-but we're sisters....that never changes. :) she will always be my loopy poopy. she has grown to be such an amazing woman-and i think will be an even finer wife. and maybe even someday mom. i love you poop.

a must see

my new favorite movie......juno.....omg. loved it. i dont typically rave about movies-but you HAVE to see this if you havent........

put your thinking cap on

ah, yes friends. take a seat. it is time for yet another philosophical moment from tera....

so while i was on the toilet these are my best thinking tiimes, i had one of those moments where i began to think about all of those people in high school-guys mostly-who screwed me over somehow. and where are they now? what are they doing? and is it wrong for me to secretly hope they are miserable? and not just what they are doing, but then re-living the whole heartbreak or whatever all over again.... and remembering my two older sisters profoundly telling me-dont sweat this-youll laugh at this someday. ha. ya right. at that time-my world was over. it didnt matter what anyone told me. i have countless notes from meghan- 'be strong', 'everything happens for a reason', blah, blah. hindsight is 20/20, right? of course it is. of course-i say now-i wouldnt trade those painful experiences for the world because it has made me who i am and it has helped me discover my inner strength. really? is this true? i dont know. i really dont. to an extent-sure, a lot of the experiences i have gone thru have in some way taught me some valuable lessons, but i do think that some women take this waaay to far.....

but when i think about this: if someone gave me the opportunity to go back-and erase the pain, the hurt, the experiences- all the to middle school and start over, would i? i dont know. if it meant that i didnt have my kids-then NO i wouldnt go back-because YES-they have made me who i am-they are the one thing i will say have made me who and what i am. but if you took them out of the equation and just looked at the feelings and hurt-i probably would. i mean-seriously-sure-i value the things i have learned, but come on. it hasnt been fun to hurt. i would enjoy it sooo much more knowing what i do now. (thats kinda cheating-i know)

what about you? if you could go back-to before your first 'big' hearbreak, would you-why or why not?

who is in control

dear self,

slow down. whats your rush? no time to pee in one day? seriously? theres no excuse for that.


sincerely,


your seriously pissed off body.

lucky number 7

in the next 7 seconds i will-still be on this computer...

in the next 7 minutes-i will be shutting down and going to bed.

in the next 7 hours-i will be getting up for work. blah

in the next 7 days- i will hopefully be down another 5 pounds....12 down yay!

in the next 7 months.....i am wanting to do the chicago marathon for team in training.

in the next 7 year-i will hopefully be out of debt, married and pregnant with the last baby.

i really want to do the marathon.....i have the meeting this week, so we will see how much money i have to raise....its more of a time issue that anything....but kell and i talked about it and he said he 'support' me.....we shall see.....

on notice

supernanny: can you please come to my house-like now? ( i know, you always here about how great my girls are-but i assure you-they are NOT angels all the time....)

the makers of all those foolish happy meal toys: you are so DUMB! what a waste of money. and serious brain power. i cant believe they actually pay you. you could be doing so much more with all the millions of dollars wasted on the toys thrown the happy meals-that get thrown away. ugh.

to my boyfriend: he-lllooooo. remember me? your girlfriend? the supposed 'girl your gonna marry'? i DO exist. and i DO like to be acknowledged every now and again. sure your 'busy'. we all are. that lame-o excuse only works a few times. think of something better. quick.

credit card companies: F* you. all of you. you need to die.

mother nature: can you please work you magic and send some warm weather? i have my first soccer practice with 8 (whiny) girls on saturday and so far the forecast is calling for 40+ mph winds (eh) and 30ish degree weather. not so fun. how about a little sun-and like maybe 60 degrees? thanks.

sampson: stop peeing on my floor. and stop peeing when i say your name or even touch you. its getting old. real. fast.

God: thanks for gently reminding me to trust you..... sigh.

if you looked

i stole this from are you willing to change-but it wont let me attach the link, so check out her page....


if you jumped in my car, usually its a HUGE mess.....one of the VERY rare places that is messsy....however, due to the nice weather this past weekend, i- GASP, cleaned it out. so....you wont find a speck of dust. :)

If you looked on my desktop, dont ask me. im not very computer literate. if we are talking inside my hard drive. if we are talking desk, like a computer desk- i dont have one, i have a lap top.

If you’re looking for signs of spring, eh. it snowed last night. grrr. i dont want to talk about it. however, while doing some yardwork this weekend, i did notice some greenery in my garden....and the robins are coming back from down south.

If you peered under my bed, you'd find a few empty shoe boxes. and a few stray high heels that sampson stole from my closet im sure. he has an obsession. i dont know....hes gay i think ??? sampson the gay dog?

If you checked my history, youd find google reader-which to me still makes no sense. i keep hearing about how 'cool' it is-but i dont get what is so cool about it-can someone PLEASE explain this?


If you searched my purse, heh. my purse is my life line. i am often teased about it. because it goes EVERYWHERE with me. i mean everywhere. i have everything in it. a spare diaper, ibuprofen, lipgloss, planner, palm, wallet, checkbook, medication, pens, snack for kids. you name it-i got it.

If you looked on my nightstand, you’d see my Bible, my journal, my devtional, lamp.


by the way....can i just say....i realized as i pulled in tonight...before i got called back into work.....it has been more than 4 days since kelly and i have seen eachother.....well-we have seen eachother-for like 2 minutes. literally. but i havent so much as kissed him on the cheek since our bike ride on saturday. whatev. what craziness. so tonight he is sleeping on my couch since i am on call. i got home briefly and kissed him on the forehead. and said goodnight. and 'i love you.' and he said 'are you okay'? and i said 'yeah-why'-bc i said 'i love you'. terd. how quick we forget these little things. ugh.

grounded

'i missed you.' emersyn said that when i picked her up from nana's house this morning. for those who dont know, even though kelly and i are togehter-we dont live together. therefore, we share custody of emersyn. he wants to move in together-but ive been there, done that, and i wont do it again until im married. its just something that i said i wasnt going to do after jae's dad and i split up. for religious reasons, and personal reasons. we dont have sex either. ( i know crazy, huh.) its hard. really hard-especially since we've been there before, but in a sense, it has made our relationship 'that' much stronger. it has challenged us in several ways. physically, mentally, emotionally. it has given us a 'new' awareness for each other and has made us appreciate each other more, i think. anyway, sharing custody works for us-because when we got back together, we just decided that we werent going to change what we were doing as far as that went-it just meant more of all of us together. so i picked her up from nana's and squeezed her tight. i havent hardly gotten to see her the last few days b/c its been crazy busy at work-so ive had to work longer and later than usual... we got home and i was doing the dishes up. i hate the television. i allow the girls to watch a few shows in the morning and a few in the evening-but thats it. kelly-on the other hand-he ALWAYS has it on. it DRIVES ME CRAZY. we constantly 'argue' about it. so-when we got home, i actually unplugged it. and im not telling him. let him and the kids think its 'broken'. hehe. they have this huge playroom full of toys-and they hardly ever play-unless i force them....so emersyn comes in the kitchen and starts digging in the drawers....and pulls out a spatula. or.... a 'dinglehopper'. i started laughing so hard. the little mermaid is her favorite movie (thank you kelly). it then becomes her 'magic wand' and she is chasing sampson wildly around the house going crazy. i just sat there-watching her....it was fun. it is amazing how my kids keep me grounded...it is so easy to get caught up in the daily throes of life. the craziness of work and craziness of.....well, life in general. they always remind me to SLOW DOWN. to enjoy the little things. like laughing. and the little green buds of flowers. (yay!) (even if it DID snow last night-this only happens in wisconsin) jaelynn was watching a TV show on animal planet and said to me, 'this king charles spaniel is on his way to becoming a saint bernard'. ( a direct quote) the show was called 'fat pets'. it made me laugh. she is only 7....*sigh*. this weekend i was doing yard work and the girls were digging in the dirt. literally. jae likes to dig for worms. emersyn has now taken an interest, as well. emersyn found a broken worm and comes running up to me....carrying a broken worm....and says, 'look momma, a catepillar'....all excited.....and then jae was getting sooo mad at her bc emersyn was digging away-and when she would 'dig' she was throwing the dirt in jae's hair (not on purpose). it was hilarious. i have learned not to make such a big deal about things. poor jae used to take the brunt of this-and i am forever sorry to her for this....i am somewhat OCD about things at times....so sometimes i freak out messes. not anymore. so jae sometimes freaks out-but now i make sure she knows its okay...and not a big deal.....it can get cleaned up, or washed or replaced.....i am so blessed. i have the best kids in the world. sure, on any given day, they drive me crazy, and sometimes i really feel like 'i cant do this' or 'i am a bad mom' and sometimes i feel like i DONT want to do this (i dont really mean this-but id be lying if i said i didnt have these moments). but, you know, at the end of the day, they are mine. a part of me, and who i am, and they keep me-grounded....

drama, drama, drama

hm. took the last 5 days off from my computer. no internet or nothing. i must say, i am pretty proud of myself. i even considered disconnecting my internet yesterday....for about 3 seconds....isnt it crazy what we have become accustomed to? i was trying to think of ways to 'save' money or cut back...get rid of cell phone? cant do that bc im have to be on call for work, i have no land line, need electricity, need water, need heat. hm. that pretty much sums it up. but breaking away from that-i was excited to catch up on all my blogs that i havent read in the last 5-6 days....

i secretly live vicariously thru all my fav. bloggers. it is insane how caught up one can get in the lives of complete strangers. or how well one can feel they get to know a person thru their blog. i have a picture in my mind for my favorites-of what they all look like, if i dont already know them. some of my fav bloggers i do know, but some i dont know personally and have gotten to know thru their blog. thru reading, i have thought of hair color, eye color, body shape, type, ethnicity, the whole nines. i would someday love to see a real picture to see how close i am. but in a way- i dont want to-bc its my image.....does that make any sense....anyway, i just was thinking as i was catching up on all my reading, how crazy it is that i look forward to finding out how so and so is doing and what is going on in this ones life.....and on and on and on..... i love it. *sigh*

a bit of an emotional morning. what is the date...eh. yep. dont worry. the boy has been properly warned. poor kid. he suffers every month.

what a wonderful weekend. very productive. kell and i went for a 10 mile bikeride on saturday. fun.