me vs the garbage can

and i didnt win. it wasnt a pretty sight. this morning, clad in my pjs, i went to take out the garbage. our garbage cans are provided by the city. they are about 3 1/2 feet tall and have wheels on them, so you have to tilt them back to roll them. well, we, as in kell and i have been doing some spring cleaning over the last week, so i kinda forgot that it was uber heavy. so i went to tilt it back and it wouldnt budge. i literally had to jump on it using all my body weight to get it to tilt back. so i was wheeling away, trotting down the driveway with my ginormous 100 ton garbage can when all of the sudden i must have hit a crack in the pavement because the garbage can went flying forward, as did i. i went half over the top of the garbage can, scraping my shins, hip, and knees on the way. and the garbage can was now completely all the way face down. great. how was i going to get this beast up? i quickly looked around to look to see if anyone witnessed my little escapade--i am sure they were snickering away thru the curtains. so i sat there for a good minutes trying to haul the beast top side up. i finally managed, but by the time i got it up, i was out of breath and my shin was burning from where the skin was missing from being scraped off. i muttered a string of not so nice words under my breath and proceeded to roll the garbage can to the curb.

score: garbage can 1, me 0.

next time, we'll get even.

we interrupt your regular scheduled program...

sorry friends. i have been missing in action. important things have come up. things like.....say, jaelynn's nintendo ds. she's had it forever, but ive never really paid it any mind. until we were shopping the other day and i found super mario brothers. the NEW super mario brothers. hmmm. i heart video games. i heart wii. i heart all things competitive and challenging. i had to buy it. we got home and like a cop with a radar gun....kelly says 'whatcha playin'? of course. he HAD to rain on my parade. see, kelly hearts video games too. immediately an intense staring contense started across the room. and i won, bc i bought the game. so, all time awake, including on the toilet, aside from caring from the kids, (okay, i admit, sometimes they watch me play-but they LIKE watching me play) has been dedicated to the NEW super mario brothers. i.cant.help.it. im addicted. however, i did pry it away from my hands tonight....*sigh*

so, on my break from the DS, while i was making supper, kelly went outside to let the dog out. he came back in and was like, i just saw something really weird....we have railroad tracks near our back yard that are service tracks to a paper mill, so it only gets used like 1 time a day to a small train to the mill. anyway...our yard is fenced in and he saw a young girl about 11-12 years old wandering on the tracks (which im pretty sure is illegal) with just a shirt, and pants on. no shoes, no socks. no coat, no hat or mittens. now mind you folks. at this time it was about a brisk 30-35 degrees out. and fairly windy. at dusk. okay, young kids tend to be somewhat 'rebelious'-fine, no coat. but NO SHOES OR SOCKS????? kell was stumped. he wasnt sure she didnt have any shoes on, so i said, well maybe you should call the cops, its cold out, and shes pretty young....anway....after supper, we decided to take the kids outside for about 20 minutes to run around. and all the sudden kelly grabs me. 'there she is!' and sure enough, there was the girl. so i slowly walked toward the railroad tracks, she had no idea anyone was 'watching' her, and NOPE no shoes or socks. so kelly just kindly went up to her, not to scare her, and just said, 'hun, are you okay?' and she said 'yeah.' and he said, 'its pretty cold, you should have a coat on, at least some shoes and socks on.' and she just shrugged and kept walking. what do you do???? it was really kind of odd. i was beside myself. she is a young girl, and its like, below freezing out practically. i didnt want to 'scare' her, but i was kind of worried...so i kinda followed her up my driveway-the tracks run along side of them. i watched her continue to walk down the sidewalk, and i called the cops. hey-i am a mom...i had half a mind to follow her home, but i didnt want her to think i was 'stalking' her or going to kidnap her. i also had half a mind to follow her home and ask what the HELL her parents were doing and why they werent a) watching her or b) making sure she was properly dressed for the weather or c) or allowing her to walk alone at dusk-much less on a working raliroad that doesnt use a train horn. aye. about 2 blocks down, i saw her veer off the road and disappear, i am thinking into her house, i hope. the police man stopped at my house and i told him the story, and we were just concerned...etc. and he went down to check it out and make sure she wasnt still wandering around. i hope not..what craziness. no shoes or socks. i still cant get over it. my feet get cold in the house for crying out loud....

do YOU know what a gnu is???

so. jaelynn is 8 yrs. old today. and to celebrate, she came home with a boat load of homework. yipee. typically, homework consists of a math worksheet and 'homelinks'-which is another page of math homework. followed by 15 minutes of reading silently. occasionally, she has 'GT' homework that gets sent home. 'GT' homework is gifted and talented homework. you know, that class that the 'smart kids' get to go to. yep, i wasn't in that class when i was little. my mom said that i used to tell my teacher that my mom wanted her to call her at home bc she thought i should be in it. (so not true, I thought i should be in it). so today jaelynn comes home with this worksheet from 'GT'. its a paragraph. in the paragraph you are supposed to find 21 mammals out the words in the paragraphs. no kidding--kelly and i stared at this thing for over 45 minutes. jaelynn had the word 'gnu' circled. have YOU ever heard of a gnu??? i havent. the definition of a gnu-a large dark antelope with a long head. OH, yes!! a GNU. i saw one of THOSE yesterday. or a BAY? apparently this is a type of horse. i even looked it up in the dictionary. jaelynn knew this. i didnt. and a NAG?? this, too, is a horse suitable for riding. what THE heck???? clearly, i need to go back to school. and NOW i know why i wasnt/arent gifted and talented. humpf. i took us about an hour to do this. i was not a happy person. friggin ridiculous. second grade?!

i have been sooo sick its not even funny. on friday my head was so full of junk, i tried to send jaelynn to school with my boots. she looked at me like what are you doing? i packed her lunch and could find the her yogurt anywhere--and she looked and it was RIGHT there. i spent the whole day/night in bed on friday. jae's bday party was saturday. it went great, but i felt so yukky. as soon as it was over, i went home to bed. kell took the kids to his moms for the night and i went home to bed. i still havent been able to shake this, and actually feel worse. i cant breathe and my head feels like its going to explode.

watching jaelynn open her gifts i realized how 'old' she is getting.... ahhhh. and watching her talk on the phone today when everyone called to wish her happy birthday....:( my baby is growing up! shes turning into such a young lady! shes such a babe. i love her so much....

hurts so bad.

last week, one of my childhood friends, with whom i am not that close with anymore, (but thats besides the point), and his wife lost their infant child. she was only present in this world for 7 short hours. they knew thru out the pregnancy that their was 'something wrong', i dont know all of the details. to say they were 'prepared' for her death, is really not a true statement, because how does one ever prepare for a loved ones death? especially an infant? i think when its your grandma or grandpa and they are dying of old age, it MAY be easier, because-that is how life goes, we get old, and we die. but a baby, your child, your life, who you are just introducing life to, only to have it taken away so swiftly. how do you prepare for that? please dont think me insensitive when i say 'easier' with older generations--i know it really probably isnt, but for the sake of this 'argument', or whatever you call it, thats what i imagine. i dont know. the only family member ive lost really close to me is my grandfather, when i was a freshman in highschool. ive lost a handful of friends in car wrecks, and have grieved for them, and continue to grieve for them yearly. more so now that i am a parent. what i DO know is that it makes me SICK to think of what my friends are going through, and that i COULD NOT imagine having to bury my child. the only comfort is knowing they are in my Heavenly Father's arms, safe from this cruel world, but even still, being the selfish human being i am, i would have a hard time letting it be enough. the day i found out, i was just sick to my stomach all day. hurting for them. what a blessing that they got to spend that 7 hours with her at all, but how hard it must have been to let her little hand go. and how does one not blame God in these situations? i dont-and i know this family doesnt, for their faith in God is so amazing, but its soo frustrating. its so hard to understand sometimes. certainly, we know HE didnt CAUSE this, that He has a greater plan and that this precious little angel was soo special that He needed her by His side now.

i sat through church with emersyn on my lap and even as i write this, i tear up, and get somewhat short of breath, near panic. i get so scared. so scared of losing my kids sometimes that i literally cannot breathe. and i think of parents who have lost children. HOW do they have the will to go on? i HONESTLY cannot imagine what i would do. i imagine myself wandering aimlessly. so often before i became a mom, during my pregnancy with jae, people were always saying, 'your life is going to change so much.' or something to that extent. and for those of you who are new-er moms, im sure you remember hearing things like that. you remember loving your friends babies, nieces and nephews--but the moment your child was placed in your arms, your heart stated beating for something different altogether. its not anything one can ever explain until you experience it. and i assure you--if you are never able to bear your own children, even through adoption, you can experience this feeling. my youngest sister is adopted and i know the moment she was placed in my moms arms, she never wavered in her love for her. i try to remember life before kids--and i remember it, but not really.....i mean, what did i DO? i know i get frustrated with my kids sometimes, but geez, who doesnt. anyone who doesnt admit that is full of poop. but i would never ever trade my moments or life with my babies. they are my world. and i just ached for this family. but i find comfort knowing that they have a strong faith in God--and a strong, healthy marriage that will carry them through.

all this aside, eight years ago this weekend, i became a mom for the first time. i look back on these years and where i was, who i was and where ive come and its been a wild ride. ive learned sooo much. there have been lots of ups and downs, but the reality of it is that it has made me the mom and woman i am today. i am not a perfect mom or person, but everyday i try to be better... and ive come a long ways. i think that says something. jaelynn has blessed me so much. i call her my saving grace....because i think that if i wouldnt have gotten pregnant when i did, i would have seriously possibly ended up dead from a drug overdose or something of the likes. sadly, but true. and while God doesnt condone sexual immorality, i think that it was somehow a part of His plan for me--i made the choice to do what I did, but He wasnt finished with me. she has taught me many lessons....and as the 2 of us, we went through a lot. she is growing up to be such an amazing young girl. i know that she is going to get through her tough spots with flying colors, bc we can get through anything...

happy birthday baby girl.

hurts so good.

so. spring is just around the corner. for some of you southerners, it has already come. you suck. i mean well, im just jealous. this week, i cajoled kelly into becoming my 'personal trainer' of sorts. i never realized how much i 'move' at work. being off, i havent eaten more, but i certainly havent been moving....im getting a bit fluffy. humpf. i have a wedding dress that will be coming in in about ohhhh 2 months and im a bit nervous about trying it on.....granted....my wedding isnt until december--but its time to start the ol' running regimen back up. ive been on hiatus since november. the problem is im, i have always run at a snails pace. i want to get a bit faster. so, i enlisted in kelly. hes never run. ever. so i figured if i run with him, ill get faster. i cant believe that he actually agreed to do it with me!! kelly was convinced that he wouldnt make it around the block, but i knew otherwise. i was more concerned about myself....kelly works out hardcore every day-granted with his surgery, he hasnt been able to go balls to the wall, but he still is in awesome shape. so i said, we'll just do one mile. (i wasnt sure id be able to make it at his pace). so, out we went. we got a quarter of a mile, and i was ready to quit. seriously. i stopped. i threw my hands up and out of breath said, 'i cant breath. i gotta stop.' kelly, of course, being the greek god he is....said, 'are you for real, or are you just saying that, lets go.' i am super competative with him. i dont know why. when we play the wii, i cant stand losing to him. ill stomp my feet and demand a rematch. so i took a gulp of air and started running. cursing him the whole way. when i started to slow down, he began to run backwards. oh.no.he.didnt. that just pissed me off. so i sped up. jerk. at the half way mark, he started running next to me again. he put his arm around me and pushed me a bit faster. i started to breathe easier and get my rhythm. i found that i liked his arm on my back every time i started to slow down....b/c it kept me going.....we got to the stop sign at the 'finish' point and for a brief moment, i thought i was going to puke. eh. and kelly says, 'come on, lets sprint home'. aaaaghhhh. and he grabbed my hand, and off we went.

so, i made it. the first run was a success. and kelly was great. i LOVED running with him. and greater yet, he LOVED running with me! the little terd, he wasnt even tired. and was hardly breathing hard. grr. aside from the diagnosed 'exertional migraine' i got afterward, it was good. i was a bit sore the next day, kelly was a lot more sore than i was. hehe. we went again, but that run was a lot harder albeit 45 mph winds and 20 mph colder. and another, worse exertional migraine. i acutally had a neurologist appointment friday, which i was thankful for, bc ive never had these kind of headaches before after running. granted, im out of shape, but ive been more out of shape before. my neurologist said that they are more common with migraine sufferers and that if they dont go away as i ease into my regimen, there is specific medication they can put me on for this. hopefully as i get back into shape, theyll go away... i forgot how good running makes me feel....physically and emotionally....

please...if you are a believer in prayer, please continue to pray for my job situation....i still havent found a job. its hard to stay positive and remain faithful to God when its constant dead ends....i havent given up on Him by any means, i never will....i just dont know how long i can do this....its so hard not knowing what He has in store for me...

ouch.

lets talk pain. there are all kinds of pain. physical pain, emotional pain, psychological pain. i think we have probably all suffered the likes of all of these. the other day i was cleaning the house and i SLAMMED my leg into the corner of the coffee table. 'mother f-er' i yelled. thats what i really said. i didnt swear, i said, f-er. oh, dont get me wrong. inside every stream of cuss words was bubbling. agh. it hurt so stinking bad. i pulled my pant leg up and instantly had a goose egg/scrape on the side of my knee. i mean, even kelly heard it i hit so hard. i was traveling like 20 mph. well, maybe not, but you know when you get in a cleaning frenzy, and your just like-going? that was me. that night when i climbed in bed, i bonked the sore leg again, and let out an 'ouch'. it got me thinking about physical pain....and some of the things that hurt....like

-stubbing your toe.

-hitting your funny bone.

-slamming your finger in the door.

-hitting your head on the corner of the cupboard door.

-falling off the bed.

-cutting your finger.

-burning yourself with the curling iron/straightner or other hot device.

-kicking someone in the shin. (i.e.playing soccer)

-rugburn. (no im not being 'dirty'-so get your mind out of the gutter.)

-being pinched 'little'. this is something me and my sisters habitually do. pinching the under or 'flabby' part of the arm. hurts like hell.

-slipping on the ice and landing on your tailbone.

-papercut.

-cutting the corner to short in a cleaning frenzy and slamming your hips into the wall.

-falling down the stairs.

-getting your fingernail ripped off.


yeah. all these things happen to me on a pretty routine basis. im clumsy. what can i say.... i once broke my toe the night before a playoff game playing soccer with johnny and carlos b/c i kicked carlos in the shin. man was my mom mad at me. it hurt sooo stinking bad. clearly it was accidental.....i bruised my tailbone once playing soccer--the grass was slippery, and i went to kick the ball nice and hard.....(wait for it) and *whoosh* my feet came out from under me and bam....yup. that didnt feel to swell. when i was in high school i used to get my nails done, i kept them short, b/c of sports, but once playing volleyball in the pool, the ball hit me straight on in the hand, and tore my whole finger nail off. it was awful. THAT hurt. you think i would have learned my lesson....nope. another time, i was playing basketball, and went for a rebound and the same thing happened, only this time, it didnt rip my nail off, it ripped it partially off and bled EVERYWHERE. it gives my the heebie geebies thinking about it. okay. sorry about the detailed accounts of those. poor jaelynn, i think she has inherited my clumsiness....she is always banging her skinny little bones on stuff....

anyway.....what have YOU done that hurts???

aspiring to be, to have, to do....

well, eventually, i want to start posting on wedding stuff, but since i still have no job--all wedding stuff is still kinda on hold...granted, we are still getting married on 12.20.09...but planning is halted.....i guess its kinda a good thing that i planned everything really early-b/c everything is pretty much already done....just small things...but its depressing to talk about it right now when i have no income :/ my appeal is still in process.... and while i have found a job with a healthcare staffing agency--yeah for that, there is NO work. so i decided to make a list of my ten year goals/dreams, lofty i know....but i dont really have anything else to post about tonight....

-get my masters. this was supposed to happen quite soon-but is now on hold with me losing my job...so i dont know when ill go back to school..

-get out (and stay out) of debt!

-go on more mission trips. specifically, take my family on one of two so they can have the opportunity to witness God's word to those who have never heard of Him. also- go to the sahara desert on a misson trip.

-adding to that--medical missions, the one trip i took was a medical mission trip, i would love to do more of that as well.

-sell this house and buy a 'new' house.

-travel with the kids. it doesnt have to be far, just be able to GO somewhere....i dont have the means to do that now....

-have ONE more baby.

-run a full marathon.

-buy a cottage/beach house or something of the sort. (this may be more than ten years....)

-take road trips across the country as a family.

-move down south.

-win the lottery. (:))


ahhh. hm. stumped now. all these ideas were coming to me before i started writing and now i cant think of anymore.....i know i have more, but im getting tired. *yawn*....

my precious child.........

i amdist a family crisis with my 7 yr old. its hard to blog about bc i honestly feel like i have failed her as a mother. i called kelly up in tears last night-saying that i cant do it anymore. i dont know what to do. its no secret that she has some deep rooted behavorial issues. and i dont know what to do. we have taken her to a counselor. ive blogged about it some-but without going into all the sordid details, she has some issues. she has a lot of anxiety issues, anger managment issues, issues with her real dad not being a part of her life. and according to the counselors, i am doing 'everything right'-but WHY then, am i still having all these problems? i am at a loss. i cry almost every night, b/c i dont know what to do. i love her so much and am so scared of what will come of my precious child. any time she gets mad-she loses control and it turns into a 'i want a new family, and put me up for adoption', or 'im going to jump out of the window'. she bangs her head against the wall. kicks the door so hard stuck falls off the wall. and a lot of people i talk to say, 'oh all kids do this'. well-i know kids throw temper tantrums. but there is an extreme. and jaelynn is it. its not a normal thing. she really has some emotional issues. shes sooo young. we talk about things, we communicate, and i give her more attention than emersyn b/c of how 'needy' she can be, but its never enough. i sometimes feel sucked dry. she turns a simple conversation into a battle. punishment-like grounding her and loss of privelages-dont seem to phase her. imagine what you see on nanny 911, thats what its like during one of her meltdowns. but friends, and the counselors see her, and often dont see this side of her....its only when its just the family. when i ask her why this is-she says, 'bc i dont want to be embarrassed.' perplexing. they see an extremely gifted child-who is in gifted classes at school, who loves to talk, and play. she has tons of friends at school, is very easy going. the counselor sees her emotional issues-jaelynn openly talks to her about them...but....outwardly she is so 'put together'so its puzzling to them. i feel like an evil woman. i dont know what to do. i am at a loss. completely. i have prayed. i have read SEVERAL books, several. even gone to seminars. i have talked to my parents. kelly has asked his family for advice. do i call the cops on her to 'scare' her? i couldnt imagine it....but what do i do?????

i have tried everything. i have ignored her in her temper tantrums-thinking she'll just tire out eventually. but she doesnt. she just finds something more destructive to do, and eventually i cant ignore her, b/c i am fearful for her safety-like when she bangs her head on the door. I have tried to be the 'forceful' mom to scare her. and it doesnt phase her. i am at wits end. i have faithfully been seeking God on this--but am not sure what else to do.....i feel like such a failure as a mother, i dont know what or where i have gone with her. she has always been so headstrong. from day one.....

dont get the wrong idea. if you met jaelynn, you would love her. she has this pull that people just cant resist....she can charm the pants off you....she is a beautiful little girl, and she does have an amazing heart. she is spunky and knows the most incredible little tidbits....so crazily intelligent. i love her soo much and it hurts so much, bc i know she is hurting....and i dont know how to fix her......