the deep soouth. how i miss it...

well, i spent the weekend in the hospital, again....but , i think i am better for real this time. the neurologist i worked with this time was great. actually made some changes to my meds and did some different med changes while i was in the hospital....while i was laying there this morning waiting to go home, i seen a commercial for some good 'ol southern cooking. yum. and got to thinking of all the things i miss about the south that i dont have here.... a list:

-waffle house. everytime i visit GA, this is one place we MUST visit.
-chic-fil-a. this too, we MUST visit.
-down town. the city in general. MISS IT. so.much.
-centennial olympic park. when i went to GA state, i lived in walking distance. and many a nights id walk there and just sit. loved it.
-southern accents. i admit, i hated it at fist, but i grew to love it. sometimes i turn on food channel just to hear paula deen. an interesting fact, paula deen's son married a girl i went to high school with and played club soccer with forever.
-warm weather. dont even need to comment...
-southern hospitality. everyones just so nice yall.
-being close to the beach. no one can complain about this.
-the big houses. they are everwhere. i cant help be enamored by it....
-the best stores. EVER. perks of a city....
-the best restaurants.
-famous people randomly about in lennox mall.

oh geesh. i better stop now. this list could get soooo long. :)

back and ready to go....

well, im still here....i didnt cancel my internet b/c lo and behold i am still under contract. but i got a different version, so its much cheaper....this last week has been a big mess...

we changed the wedding date. to when? i dont even know....i think its 12/20/09. which is a sunday. cheaper, no minimums. not my idea and wasnt too crazy about it, but ive decided that my day will be special no matter what or where. b/c kelly will be there... (sappy i know) so i have to contact the photographer, dj and others to change the date, etc. hopefully it wont cause problems. keep your fingers crossed.

i spent the last 2 days in the hospital. with a migraine that was going on 2 weeks. i kept 'rebounding'-which is when the medicine they give you temporarily takes the headache away, only for the headache to come back even worse....so that has sucked. however, i feel WONDERFUL. today i woke up at 7am, ready to take the world on. kelly stayed at my house to make sure i was okay, and when he came out the emersyn's room this morning, he immediately could tell i was better. i have been very hesitant to not over work myself-cleaning, laundry...all the things that have piled up since being out of commission... for fear of my headache returning. they are switching some of my meds and i am watching my diet-there are certain things that can trigger migraines. i want this to be done and over with. these migraines have taken over my life and im ready to take it back.

i have a job interview this afternoon, and am very hopeful....i also am going to set forth my appeal for being terminated tomorrow. i have been working/talking with a lady from the quality dept. at my former job, and she thinks an appeal is possible. you may wonder why i want to go back to a job that fired me....well, the organization i work(ed) for is one that i have worked for the last 8 years, and is a great organization. they also pretty much 'rule' the fox cities area for jobs. so if i dont work for them, it is near impossible to find a job.

aside from that, i will be spending the next couple weeks getting healthy, finding a job and getting in touch with the appropriate people to make changes for the wedding date....say a prayer for a job and continuing with good health......i need it.

what is this world coming to?

so-have ya'll seen this crazy chic who is auctioning off her virginity for millions of dollars? to pay for school? and supposedly she wants to get a degree in 'marriage counseling' or something of the sort. the last i checked, it was up to 3.7 MILLION dollars. are you KIDDING me? what is this world coming to? oh yes, shes going to make mom and dad REAL proud. what a dandy. and WHY is prostitution legal in las vegas???? this makes no sense to me. its illegal everywhere else in the US-but nevada. i know they are trying to legalize it in cali right now...but agh it makes me SICK.

today school was cancelled. nope, not because of the snow my friends. it is a whopping -40 degrees outside. beautiful isnt it? i let sampson out and he couldnt even climb up the steps b/c he was frozen. my wash maching wouldnt work this morning bc the cold water pipes were frozen.

no changes on the job front... :/ while there remains a national shortage for nurses-the fox valley is one of the rare areas that is NOT suffering from a shortage. there are NO jobs around here. its possible that i may have to find a waitressing job or something in the interim until i can find a full time nursing job again. im get heart palpitations just thinking about that possibility. not that theres anything wrong with waitressing. i actually loved it-i just thought i closed that chapter forever... just putting my trust in God. when one door closes, another shall open. and who can forget my infamous bible verse that i have tattooed on my ribcage...jeremiah 29:11.. 'For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

crash into me

just when i thought things couldnt get any worse.....they have. i lost my job today. not going to get into the messy details. just that it happened. and i feel like my life has come crashing down. officially. down. all wedding talk will cease here for a while....

can i just say that all the years i spent wishing my parents were 'cooler' or 'not so strict', or all the years i wish i had 'so and so's parents' b/c they were 'so cool' were the dumbest years ever? because i have the most amazing parents ever. they have supported me and stood by me in my darkest hours. no matter how many times i have hurt them (and its been a lot), they have never, never left my side. and they have never failed me. my mom stopped over unannounced today and pulled me out of my bed, literally. and hugged me. and held me. and i made her leave. and i know she didnt take it personally b/c she knew i needed to be by myself. my daddy came over 5 hrs later and bought me a rose and some soup. and a card. and held me. and cried. its the first time ive ever seen my dad cry. ever. that hurt. but i realized how much i am loved in those moments. i mean, i never doubted it, but sometimes among my 5 other sisters, i get jealous of them.....how can i not? they are wonderful. but the truth is, they love us each, in our own way. me, b/c i am beautifully broken. my dad and i sat for an hour and a half and talked about what next. and the hugest weight was lifted off my chest when he left. not just knowing that my earthly father (and mother) love me sooo incredibly much, but that my Heavenly Father love me so much. i am far from okay, but the cloud has lifted, and i know that God has a plan somehow and somewhere in all this.

and also, not just the most amazing parents, but family and friends too. thank you for your love.
its quite possible that i may be out of blogosphere for a while-due to not having a job-dont worry the hunt is on...but until i find one, i need to cancel my internet and save where i can....so i may be MIA for a while.....but have no fear-its not goodbye, just goodnight....

resigned.

well, after having somewhat of a nervous breakdown this weekend, i have realized that i need to get it together. yep. i was an emotional wreck all day yesterday. chalk it up to some looonnngg over due PMS-or tears. i havent cried in a long time, and i guess i just needed to do that. and i guess i really needed to deal with some things that have been on the surface-but not really dealt with....my mom kinda woke me up to it, in her kind loving mom way. *sigh*. of course, i wanted to be mad at her-only b/c i knew she was right, but after crying, and crying and well, more crying. i sat down and reality set in. i need to get my shit toghether. aka, my finances. its nearly impossible to plan this wedding if i cant make it paycheck to paycheck....so i sat down with my finances and kell, and made our plan.

i wallowed for a while, b/c once again, the realization that all things i want for my wedding are not going to happen. but then, i hopped on my little bloggy, and found some of my favs, and realized that hey-there are TONS of things i can do MYSELF that are just as neat and elegant-without having to spend an arm and a leg. so my spirits have lifted some and i have a new attitude.

kell and i also had a looonnng talk on our 'swing'. its this swing in my garage, which is its resting place for the winter. we often go sit out there all bundled up when we need to talk about stuff away from the kids....we have some of our best talks here. and worst....but its become an important place for us. we laugh and cry (well i do) and lean on each other. we caroused the internet and looked at silly stuff.

i really need to get motivated and start working out again. agh. ive been on strike since my duathalon at the end of october. im afraid to even attempt to run right now. its just soooo cold out right now and my Y membership expired. i wish it would get warm out. and clearly that is going to happen um, never. im feeling a little fluffy right now, but cant get motivated. blah.

if i had a wii, itd be another story. i want one sooo bad. am madly addicted to guitar hero like an addict is to crack. its not good. kelly, too. we spent the afternoon at his sister's yesterday and the both of us ended up being poor company b/c we were so addicted to the game, you couldnt tear us away. such craziness. who knew??

not my week.

agh. im in a funk. :/ not a blogging funk. a funk in general. im getting over having a migraine for 3 1/2 days and work has been stressful, and im feeling sorry for myself. well, not even really sorry for myself, just in one of those moods where i want to cry-and have really not reason to cry, ya know? its kinda like i feel like im being ganged up on in a few different areas of my life and i just dont want to stand up and deal with it right now. i simply dont have the energy. im exhausted. physically and emotionally. i kindof want to just lay in my bed and wallow. i know, im being a baby....but do you ever just have these moments? to top it off, bed time for the kids has been a battle lately and its like at the end of a looonnng day, you just want to put the kids to bed and have your quiet time....and it hasnt been happening.....out of no where....emersyn has decided to go on strike. and jaelynn cant sleep all the sudden. so my 'quiet time' in the evening, the time when i get to blog, or relax, has been stolen. how dare they! ;) i know, the throes of parenthood. its a stage, i know. i am just a bit overwhelmed, is all.

and after giving my florist my 'budget'-who is also my cousin, even with the 'family discount'-i am not going to be able to do the things i want to do, so that is disheartening. i just have so many ideas of what i want my 'day' to be, and ive already had to compromise a lot b/c of our strict budget, and it keeps dwindling down and down, and i just feel like soon its going to be nothing like i want it to be b/c we cant afford the things i 'want'.... :/ trying to keep a positive attitude and think of areas to save, etc, but hard to not be bummed out...

i need a vacation. ha. whats that?

i start my new job in 1 1/2 wks, so thats something to look forward to, since my paycheck has been almost less than half of what it usually is b/c of them cutting my hours d/t the poor economy and us not having a busy surgery schedule lately..... eek! so at least ill be making a more steady income (yay!) and more money (double yay!).

still havent heard anything about grad school....its only been 2 wks since i applied, but it feels like forever already. keep your fingers crossed and say a prayer for me. :) and for a better week.... i could use it.

i resolve.....

i hate resolutions. but still make them. i think we probably all feel the same way about them....we hate them, but we still make them.....vowing to try a little bit harder to do this or that or quit this or that and the list goes on. and by next week or month, old habits die hard. i never really understood the point of new year's resolutions-i mean, why do you have to wait until the new 'year' to make a change? why not today or tomorrow? but, i still fall into the same madness everyone else does. its maddening. i refuse to do it-but find myself resolving to do this better or that better and so forth. so here goes nothing:

*most importantly, i want to be a better mom. i actually try to do this everyday. some days are definately easier than others, but sometimes i find myself not wanting to put forth the effort to DO anything. sounds bad, i know-but as you all know, i am a pretty darn honest person. so shoot me. i want to put down the vacuum cleaner or toilet brush when the girls ask me to come play and just play. i can always clean later. i want to worry less about the silly things and focus more on THEM and our relationship as parent and child. especially jaelynn. she is going thru so much with kelly and i getting married and accepting that fact that shawn (her dad) isn't there for her, and it is so critical a point in her young life.

*i want to be a better 'wife'. okay, well we arent technically married yet, but you get the jists of it. i want to whine less about stupid stuff and not pick fights just to pick fights. i want to appreciate kelly more. i want to love better.

*i want to have a better attitude at work. enough said. i get whiny sometimes. :)

*i want to lose 20 lbs. there is always a weight resolutions. ALWAYS. but thats okay. if i dont lose 20lbs, how about looking smoking hot in my wedding dress? ill take that.

*i want to get into grad school. and if i do, i want to do well in grad school. ive always poo-poohed school. im ready to take it seriously.

*another most importantly, i want to stay on track with God. because without Him, i cant go anywhere. I want/need to keep Him central of all things.

hmm. i could go on and on and on with this list. seriously. but i think thats a good start for me. what about you? what have you resolved to do this year in 2009?