bitten by....the baby bug????

yep, i have been.....leah had her baby! adler jesus kirkland made his appearance on friday evening. he is precious. ironically, this is the day that leah and brandon were set to move into their new house. so....while they were in the hospital in labor, we (family) moved them in! what a weekend. i spent it trying to help get the house ready for them to come home. so it was super busy and exhausting....but so worth it, i know how overwhelming it is having a new baby-and on top of it having a new house to have to unpack and settle into, i cant imagine.... so ive been trying to help leah out as much as possible.

but yes...hanging out with leah and baby adler has made me long for another baby....*sigh*. and i never thought id say this, but a baby boy would be nice. of course, a healthy baby is all i want, but i always pictured myself with all girls. until now....a little boy would to roughen up the roost would be fun. but, dont worry family, itll be a while. kell and i want to have a baby right away after we get married, but we have decided that we need to wait a bit until we are a bit more secure financially. and there is the issue of space....my house is soo small. so, we have to decide where we would put a little peanut. we have talked about adding on to the house, or waiting to move. so lots to think about....:( but i know God has a plan for us and it will all fall into place when the time is right....but yes, the baby bug has bitten me.....and it doesnt help that EVERYONE i know is prego or has just had a baby....agh.

i havent done a job update in a while....probably bc there really isnt much to update....its hard to not be frustrated. i have had several interviews-some of which have gone really well. i feel like i am a good interviewer, (not to toot my own horn), but still no job. i just wish i could grab them by the lapels and say, 'listen, give me a CHANCE! i promise, you wont be disappointed.' i have so much to prove. i miss being a nurse, i miss taking care of people and i miss making a difference. i have been trusting that God has a plan for me, but....what? i dont know. anyway--keep praying for me.....

thats all i got. off to bed.

what a day....

michael jackson and farrah fawcett? both stars dead, in one day? whoa. too much to take in. every headline i see is about mj. the king of pop. dead at 50. the world will never be the same. dont get me wrong. i love me some michael jackson, but seriously? what about our troops who are fighting tooth and nail, getting KILLED for the iraqi people's freedom? or the uproar going on in iran? and the whole nuclear warfare business going on in japan? and hear we sit, allowing michael jackson to take over our facebook pages, our newscast headlines, and radiostations, bc suddenly this is waaayyy more important. it seems a bit ridiculous to me. i dont know, maybe im missing something. like i said, its sad-he was a wonderful musician, but really. i can think of sooo many things that should grace the attention he is getting.....i wont lie, there have been several times i have said outloud tonight, 'i cant believe hes dead', but then on my way home from jae's soccer game, all that was on the radio was michael jackson, and when i went to cnn.com to check the new-which i do every night, there was no 'news' headlines, just mj tributes. and facebooks-all mj stuff. but in the midst of his scandals, everyone was right there to slander him at the drop of a dime. huh. just sayin. i just think we all have our heads in the wrong place. everyone. me included....but what do i know....

moving along.....

my sister jenni had her baby!!! and, for the first time EVER, my prediction was WRONG...she had a boy. yay! so she now has 2 girls and a boy. michael john. very excited to have another nephew, and another nephew soon to come in the next week or so....eek!

on this day, i lost a great friend several years ago. she was a twin. she was a ray of sunshine to many people. she had a laugh that could make a whole room light up, and a personality that was amazing. she was in this world for a short time, but during that time, she touched so many lives. her death was tragic to many, but it brought our group together in a way that one could never imagine. she remains in the hearts of us all- and i smile thinking about her, the memories and the love she brought us all. you are missed b.c.s, you are missed.

a little bit of.....everything..

so. first things first.

i have a new obsession. im not sure if i want to admit it here, for the world to see. okay. here goes. gossip girl. there, i said it. i know, this show is HORRIBLE. as in, sleazy and all things my mom and dad would NEVER approve of me watching. but, i cant help it. ive heard my friends talking about it, and got the bug. so, i decided to check it out myself...i rented the entire first season, and it had me at 'gossip girl, xoxo'.....now if only the second season would get released.....

my sister jenni is going to be induced tomorrow, so im super excited. say a prayer that all goes well.....leah is due in a couple weeks, but i have a feeling this weekend is going to be her weekend. just a feeling i have....

we went up north this weekend to kell's dads for father's day. had a blast. it is so beautiful up there. its only about an hour away. he lives on the river, in the woods. about 2 weeks ago, they had 2 bear-a mom and a cub actually come up on there porch looking in the window. crazy.....we created an 'eco-system' for the kids in the kiddie pool. caught a million bullfrogs, a fox snake, tons of minnows, crayfish, a northern, perch, oysters, snails--and some other creatures we didnt know the names of.....the kids LOVED every minute of it. at one point, i had to leave to go to the bar (b/c the town they live in is so small there isnt a grocery store) to get some soda, so i was driving down the gravel road when i see this big fat snake. the fox snake we caught was small, like a garter snake. think big, like a rattle snake. so, i got out of my car-my interest peaked.....all the sudden it bowed up at me, exactly as cobras do, and fanned out its head like a cobras. kinda freaked me out, no? yeah. it started to slither away, so i threw some big fat rocks on him. i took a picture of him so i could ask kell's dad what kind of snake he was. turns out, he was a blow snake. they are similar to cobra's in the sense that they fan there heads up and out the way cobra's do. and are poisonous. yikes. saturday night, i was outside, kell was in the house with kids in the hot tub. there is a clear patio door that leads out to the screened porch. it was open most of the day, but kell's dads girlfriend had to work early sunday AM, so it had gotten closed. jae wasnt aware of this, and since it was dark, didnt see it.....can you see where this is going? yeah. ran right into it. poor kid. she was more embarrassed than anything. so kell yells for me and i go cuddle her up. she wanted to get her suit on and get in the hot tub with kell, emersyn and kaedyn. so she went to get her suit on, all excited to go swim. not even five minutes later, i was outside sitting by the fire, when i hear her crying again. she ran into it a SECOND time. only this time she literally RAN into it. HARD. it was dark in the house, so i couldnt see very well. but we went and sat down. i was holding her, and she was just a crying. so hard she was steaming up her glasses. so i went to take her glasses off, and when i did, i saw blood. EVERYWHERE. and lots of it. her face was completely covered in blood. i started to panic. now, you all know im a nurse, blood doesnt bother me. but, when its your own child's- its a whole different story....i jumped up and yelled to kell, ran jae into the kitchen. at which point i almost passed out.... oh geez, i thought. not good. everyone came running in to help. at first glance, i was thinking, grab your keys, lets go-she needs stitches. it was right above her eye. now, if you know anything about eye wounds, or 'head' wounds, its that they bleed like a mother. once we got her all cleaned up, it wasnt that deep of a gash, but it was pretty wide. some dermabond would have been a dream, or a butterfly bandaid....so she was okay, but poor kid, slammed into that door hard. itll be a nice scar, but i told her itll give her character. :) she also has a bit of a shiner. *sigh* im glad shes okay, it couldve been worse...

anyone watch jon and kate tonight? kelly had just walked in right after the big announcement to see me balling. i mean, like breath hitching crying. okay. so, i am an emotional person, but i dont get teary over tv type stuff often. but, it was heart wrenching. kelly cant stand to watch it-b/c he he thinks they need to pull the plug on it. step back. they knew what they were signing on for with the whole tv stuff. and while thats true, like i said, they are still people, and its always sad to see a marriage break up. especially when there is kids involved. my heart hurts for those kids. but for jon and kate too. i agree with kelly. i DO think they need to pull the plug. its time. they say this has been a long time coming, and that 'even if' the media wasnt there it would havent happened, but it was definately a factor. and fine, if separation is what they feel is best-but those kids are going to need them more than ever right now, and i think they owe it to them to do it in private. i really do. so, im not going to watch anymore. and neither should you. kelly made me realize that tonight. he said shame on them and shame on the people who watch. yeah, its entertainment, and again, its what they signed on for, but enough is enough. shows over. they are exploiting their children, and it may have been 'okay' before, to help secure their 'future'-but its not anymore. the media scrutiny over this from the attention WE give them, is going to ruing these kids. shame on US. another statistic. why do we just give up so easily? why do we take the easy way out in marriages? i dont understand it. i simply dont. and people wonder why yound people today are so quick to NOT take the plunge, but rather just cohabitate forever. why, when they can just play it 'safe'? what DID happen to 'death do us part'? or the marriage vows? it frustrates me to no end, especially as my wedding nears. i get scared every now and again. i think thats normal. i hope thats normal--but the way that marriage has been portrayed today isnt how i remember it growing up, and it scares me for MY kids. i mean, hell, i HAVE a child out of wedlock. there is so much uncertainty.....the only thing i AM certain of is that when kell and i get married it IS forever. divorce is a word that isnt even in our vocabulary.

do you smell something?

we banda family members are quite open about our, um, bodily functions. as in, all things pooping, farting, the whole nine. so, yes, this post is about that, among other things.....but to start....bodily functions. everyone who knows me knows im fairly open about tooting and all the likes. call me unlady like, fine, but its a part of life. i only do it around people i am comfortable around-so dont worry, if ive just met you, you dont have to worry. but i have no qualms talking about it. i think leah is the only one in our family who is embarrassed by it and disgusted by it. but the girl can belch. ali tends to be rather discreet as well, but i think she just needs some corruption. i never really farted around any of my boyfriends until kelly. anyway, currently, kelly is taking protein supplements-a shake, because he works out pretty hard core. the downside of this is that it gives him gas. now, im not talking ordinary toots here. im talking knock your grandmother over dead toots. the raunchy of all ranunchy. its bad. so, we were at walmart the other day, kell and the kids and i. shopping around, when i get this whif of something. oh.no.he.didnt. i looked at him, and he has this goofy grin on his face. i turned and walked away. at the same time, a family walks into the aisle that he just totally bombed with his toxic gas. he looks at them, a father with his 3 teenage daughters and son, and says, 'i just farted, just to let you know.' and walks away. i could have died. like you would tell them! seriously. it was hilarious. about ten minutes later, we passed them in a different part of the store, and the teenage girls were just a giggling. i can imagine the stories they told there friends.....it was pretty funny.

moving along....its father's day this weekend. i came along a sign i saw while driving that said, 'everyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.' what a cool sign. i thought this was especially true in my life, with jaelynn's dad-and kelly being her dad. sure, shawn is her father, but he isnt her 'dad'. kelly is. i am so fortunate to have such a wonderful man and soon to be husband as the father of my children. i never knew what work it was having a 'blended family'. i grew up in an 'in tact' family, my parents are still married. i have very few friends who have divorced parents. they say that it takes at least SEVEN years for a blended family to really 'blend' (for lack of a better word). its hard. i sometimes wish that people who had 'in tact' families had a better understanding of it--b/c before i was involved in this, i was absolutely CLUELESS. clueless. and trying to explain it, its really not possible, its more of one of those things one has to experience....i sometimes wish i had a friend or two who had a similar situation, only to have someone who could understand some of my struggles more clearly. but not just the struggles, but the triumphs that come with having a blended family.

id like to talk a bit more about the man in my life. he doesnt like me to blog about him....but i dont think he will mind if i sing a few praises on him....(in honor of father's day). kelly is....the most fun, loving, amazing man i have ever met. stubborn at times, but arent we all.... :) strong-physically, emotionally. he is so incredibly dedicated to his family. he will do anything for me, or our kids. he loves God, hes good looking (always a plus), he tells me im beautiful-even on days when i havent showered and am an absolute mess. hes not afraid to show emotion. hes passionate-about everything, hes the hardest worker youll ever meet. hes neat and clean, he always helps around the house-even though he doesnt live here yet. hes my best friend. i could go on....and on....and on....*sigh*

are you falling in love with him yet? too bad. hes mine. but dont worry, theres plenty more out there for you..... ;)

i love you cow-cow. happy fathers day.

meet the cleavers

so. ive lived in my house for just short of two years now. i have a few nice neigbors. the one on the right may be in love with my fiance..( if you catch my drift)-but sooo nice and has a gorgeous garden. not to mention, he gives me free plants and flowers all the time. the one on the right is an older single lady who i think is a spinster. or possibly a widow, or a divorcee. then we have the neghbors across the street. we will call them the cleavers. on the night we moved in, they came over and introduced themselves, all happy. husband, wife and 3 boys. yay. one big happy family. i am a nice person, but it takes me a looonngg time to be comfortable with people. so for the last year and a half its pretty much been 'hey', 'how are you' type banter when we see them. well, about a month ago, the cleavers had a fire in their basement. tragic, i know. something faulty with the furnace. i was mowing the lawn when it happend, so i offered to take their youngest son in my yard. we will name this son dennis (as in dennis the menace). cute kid. hes 4. kelly and emersyn were up north on this day, so it was just me and jae home. so jae and i kept him busy. so, anyway. everything was okay, the house was fine, it was just smoke damage. later that afternoon, when kell came home, he stopped over to talk to the neigbor and make sure everything was okay. mr. cleaver apparently spilled his life story to kelly, short of how many times he and mrs. cleaver have sex a week....interesting. so-now we are friends. fine and dandy.

so, a couple days later, i am getting ready to pick jae up from school and had just opened up the garage door and was sitting at the kitchen table writing out bills. all the sudden my back door to my house swings open and dennis is standing there.

dennis: 'hi'
me: 'AAHHH!'
d: giggle
m: you scared the crap out of me!
d: whatcha doin?
m: just getting ready to pick jae up from school. what do you need?
d: nothing. (just stands there.)
m: oh. does your dad know your here?
d: no.
m: oh. well, you need to let him know where you are, you cant just leave without telling him where you are, especially cross the road. plus, i have to leave to go get jaelynn from school.
d: well, can i come with you?
m: (thinking, WHAT?) um, i guess, but we need to ask your dad.

okay--i hardly know these people. ive had exactly ONE conversation with them, and this kid just up and walks into my house and is asking to ride in a car with me. riiigght. so we go and ask his dad, and of course he says, sure. so i take him with me....the next day, he does the same thing-just randomly shows up, without telling his dad, to which, i send him back home, and then he comes back over 'to play'. its been like this for the past 2 weeks. EVERY.DAY.

fast forward. to this weekend. i get home from georgia, and am sick as a dog. kelly and i no less pull in from the drs. office after i just find out i am 'quartined', and up comes dennis wanting to play.

d: hi.
m: hey hun. the girls arent here, and im really sick, so your gonna have to go home.
d: but why?
m: bc im sick.
d: oh. well, can i wait?
m: no, they arent coming home for a couple days. what i have is contagious, and i dont want you to get sick. you need to go home. ( i was trying to be so patient, but i was so sick, and tired and irritated.)
d: well when can i come back?
m: in a few days. when you see the kids outside.

later that night, i was letting sampson outside, and he came back. i wanted to pull my hair out. this afternoon, at lunch time, he showed up, as i was about to lay emersyn down for her nap. our cnversation went like this:

m: hey dennis. the girls are just finishing up eating and then emersyn has to take a nap. and jaelynn is grounded. but maybe they can play after that.
d: but what am i supposed to do?
m: i dont know, go home?
d: welllllll.....can i play here?
m: noooo, emersyn is going to take a nap. and jae is grounded.
d:can i play in the playroom?
m: no. youll have to go home.
d: can i watch tv here?
m: nooooo.
d: wellll, buuutt, can i go ride your bike?
m: no, but you can go ride YOUR bike. listen, you are going to have to go home for now, they can probably play later on.

a part of me feels bad, but seriously its EVERY day. and the parents ARE nice, but kell and i were talking about it, and honestly i think they are completely oblivious to it. they have no clue that they need to give us some space....and i dont know how to say BACK THE F*** OFF!!! in a nice way....not to mention, kelly and i are soooo protective of the kids--we cant fathom letting the kids out of our sight, or letting them cross the road by themselves, or into anyone elses house, the way they do dennis....and its not saying they are a 'bad' parent, its just a difference of parenting, i guess. and the fact that dennis is always coming over here without mr. cleaver knowing BLOWS ME AWAY. i just keep thinking, what if i wasnt the overly cautious parent and didnt think to ask-does your dad know your here???? and all the sudden mr. cleaver turn around and dennis isn't there--and then what????

seriously, this is stressing me out. because when its my kids, they know the rules. when we are outside-they know the rules and where they are allowed to go and what they are allowed and not allowed to do. when we are inside, same thing. i dont have to constantly feel like im on edge. but when you have someone who isnt your child, its a whole new ball game....especially when they are a little shit....gah.

mass chaos

im home from georgia. but...i still havent gotten to see my kids. i got really sick when i was down in georgia. fever, sore throat, chest congestion, short of breath, the whole nine. i figured it was just from lack of sleep, the different 'allergens' in the air, ,etc. i went to the dr. straight from the airport. due to the fact that i had all these symptoms and had been traveling among international travelers at an airport, they tested me for the swine flu. i was at the drs. office for over an hour. they did a bunch of blood work, tested me for 3 different types of flus, a chest xray and the list goes on. the swine flu test has to go to the state lab-so it takes a few days before you get the results. until i get the results, i have to be 'quarantined'. which means i cant see or be around anyone. very unnerving, especially since i was around 3 pregnant people this past weekend. i dont remember being this sick in a looonngg time. i have lost my voice, so even talking on the phone is hard, b/c it requires a lot of energy.

it really sucks. i miss my kids sooo much. and kelly. kell came over to pick up some clothes for jae, and i got to look at them thru the window of the car. i felt like i was in jail, looking at them thru the glass partition....hopefully tomorrow they will have the results and they will be negative, so i can see my kids and let my friends know that everything is okay.... :/

for a brief moment in time, my heart stopped beating.

emersyn is sick. really sick. it all started last week. she started acting out of sorts. kinda flu-ey. but she just had the puke flu a few weeks ago, so it would be pretty odd for her to get it again so soon. she kept saying that she was going to throw up, but she wouldnt, she was just nauseated. she started to complain of belly pain. she stopped eating. as she laid on the couch next to me last thursday, i began to wonder if she was getting a UTI. in kids, belly pain is often one of the symptoms. shortly after, she started making a lot of trips to the bathroom, but only peeing just a little bit. no fever. kell and i started to really think that yep, she had a UTI. she started to not drink very much in addition to not eating. she was really lazy, and sickly. we took her to the doctor on friday. they tested her urine, which showed some funky stuff-but not an infection. funky stuff significant with some dehydration. her dr. wanted to check a strep test b/c of the belly pain. lo and behold, it was positive. yay, we thought, antiobiotics will take care of the problem. not sure if you all remember, but emersyn is TERRIFIED of the drs. office/hospitals b/c of when she had to have her extensive workup when she was diagnosed with her kidney reflux. she FREAKS OUT as soon as we pull up to the drs. office. so, it is always extremely high stress and a huge ordeal when we have to go through all this....the dr. assured us that by the 2nd dose of antibiotic we should see a vast improvement--which would be that night. she still wasnt eating, but we werent too concerned. we were more concerned about her drinking and her hyrdrating herself. she stayed with kelly that night and saturday morning, i helped kell's sister and mom run a rummage sale. i was outside all day/morning and she slept until 10:30. she was still really sickly, and cuddly. we couldnt get her to do anything. her breath was really stinky, i checked her heart rate-which was really tachy(fast), and her lips were sooo dry they were peeling and cracked. by 3:30pm, she hadnt gone pee in over 24hrs. she was extremely dehydrated. i called the dr--i already knew they were going to tell us to go to the ER so they could give her IV fluids, but I wanted to call and 'update' them. So, we took her to the ER. suprisingly, she was quite calm and barely cried. i think she was just so sick by this time. i was worried about the IV, but the nurse was awesome and got it in right away. they drew some blood work right away, too. they gave her a bag of fluids. and got another urine sample. we were there for about 3 hours. we were under the assumption that as soon as the fluids were done, we could go home-which was what the nurse said. so the bag was done, emersyn perked up--it was amazing. she was like a new kid. she ate 2 popsicles, and kept saying, 'im all better.' it made my heart melt.

then the dr. walked in with this look on his face. 'the lab just called. emersyn's red blood cells are critically low, so we are going to admit her to children's hospital.'

what?! everything stopped. at this point, i wanted to erase all my knowledge as a nurse. its times like this, that you know too much, b/c the worst possible scenarios were going thru my head. first, since i work(ed) at this hospital, i know that anytime the lab calls the dr w/ a lab result, its critical--which is NOT good. second, he told us her HAH(red blood cells) were 7. normal HAH is 12. this was super, super low. i was freaking out. me, the one who is ALWAYS the calm one. i didnt let it show--b/c kelly needed me to be strong--b/c he had no idea what any of this meant. I knew i was probably overreacting, but this was my daughter, and we were just here to IV fluids, and now suddenly our world may be suddenly crashing down on us. whoa. i thought i was going to vomit.

immediately, we made calls to our families to let them know what was going on. we got to children's, where the staff was AMAZING. the dr. came in and talked to us. i was in somewhat of a daze, trying to put things together, hearing the words, 'leaukemia', and 'severely anemic', and 'too much milk' and 'lead' floating in and out of conversations. they came and drew blood. from what the dr. said, she was fairly confident that emersyn was severly anemic from drinking too much milk. (!!!!) but we wouldnt know for sure until her labs came back and until we saw how she started responding to the iron therapy. If the labs came back and didnt show a 'true iron deficiency', then they would have to look elsewhere-which was where the word leaukemia came in--which was such a scary thought.....but.....her labs came back and she literally had ZERO, i mean ZERO iron in her body. which is good-in the fact that they found the cause of the low HAH, but bad b/c she has no iron. The calcium in milk inhibits iron from binding to the RBC's in our body. i didnt know that.....or if they taught that to me in nursing school, i dont remember that.....i mean, who wouldve thought you could drink too much milk....so as a result, her blood count has dropped. its crazy, b/c i recently had told kelly i was worried about how tired and 'lazy' shed been.....well, that explains it. they said her heart is working a lot harder than normal, so she cant finish soccer out either. they started her on a really high dose of iron--which is the NASTIEST tasting and smelling stuff ever invented. bless her heart. she hates taking medicine period, and now she has to take this horrible stuff. its been grueling, but she is getting better at it-bribery is not always a bad thing....

i know this is a super long post.....but i am telling you, it was really scary for a bit--from the time when the ER doc came in with the HAH results to finding out what the actual cause of the anemia was--heartwrenching. i thought of parents who have terminally or chronically ill kids and my heart just broke. it has to be so hard. emersyn kept saying over and over, 'can i go home now?' and, i tell you what, thank GOD for children's hospitals. i am so glad we live in a city that has one. the nurses and drs. and staff are so wonderful--it was absolutely wonderful. they are amazing.