8 days of non stop

but in a good way....but am falling asleep on my feet. literally. i was doing 'homework' for the 'stbh' (soon to be husband) and i's premarital class last night and literally fell asleep with the pencil in my hand....i just started my new job after being off work for 9 months--so 8 days in a row is a lot for me....im a nurse and have only worked in a hospital. now my job is in a nursing home. whoa. competely different world. a bit overwhelming at times, but i love it. never a dull moment...there are some feisty ones....but i love getting to know, truly know the resident, their quirkyness, their life story. today we had a confused resident call a cab to 'take them to 8 street.' we never found out who it was....someone trying to escape....

a little about myself to you newbies to my little bloggy....i am a mom of two kiddies. girls. 'M' is 8 and one 'R' is 4. they are my life, and my life never really began until them....some days they drive me crazy, but hey-whats life without craziness, right? i sometimes long for some alone time, but when i get it, im bored out of my mind and miss them terribly....crazy how it works that way. but other day, i enjoy a half hour of peace and quiet....M is extremely gifted, and i am not just saying that as a 'mom'-she has a photographic memory and recently had IQ testing and scored on the very above average for her age. yeah, kinda bragging, but her intelligence, mostly her memory blows me away. its crazy. she is super out going and will talk your ear off given the opportunity :). R is my little hippie child. snuggle bug to the max. total free spirit and just goes with the flow. shes a daddy's girl to the max. its crazy how they are so different, but so alike..... i am getting married in 2 1/2 months to my best friend and soul mate-my childhood sweetheart. we have a really neat, story. it would take forever to tell it, but someday i may just do that.....

i live in the cheese state. lived in atlanta for 7 years-freshman year in high school to 2001, so i consider that my home as well. and miss it dearly.....i love to pretend i can 'be one of the boys'...you know play football-which i can do pretty good, mind you. i like to mow the lawn-well sometimes, and watch football. i can be pretty feisty and love to dish it out-and take it just as well. im blunt and will tell you how it is, not afraid to speak my mind. sometimes tactfully, sometimes not. depends on my mood...and if i like you or not. ;) but....i am also one of the most compassionate, emotional people you will ever meet. i want to make a difference in peoples lives, an impact-in a good way. i love my profession and knowing that even if cant change the world, i know i can make a difference in peoples lives-and thats what drives me. there are bad days at work where i come home and wonder why i do what i do-bc my job isnt a job where i can 'just pack up and leave'. its so emotionally and physically draining at times, and to say that you dont get attached to your patients in some way is impossible. these are lives you are dealing with....and i am responsible for helping keeping them alive, and in some cases, helping them be comfortable in the last days of their lives.....but then there are the days that i affect me so greatly-when the families are so appreciative of the care and hard work you do, or you have a break thru with a difficult patient-or something that just makes it worth it. and i go home, remembering why i do what i do.

note-i fell asleep writing this last night.....and woke up this morning at 5am with my computer laying next to me.....guess i was tired.... :) and with a bunch of letters on the screen where i must have dozed off......hehe. anyway, ill end it here for today. i finally have the next 2 days off, so i am going to chill out and relax, especially since i feel a nasty cold coming on....eh. new germ exposure i suppose.....my immune system taking a hit.....

you know i love you....xoxo



am fret a

deleting this blog...

well.....folks.

apparently im pissing off certain someones, so im going anonyomous.....i will be starting a 'new' blog using aliases and such to 'protect' those parties involved so not to piss anyone off.....who knew a simple blog could cause such ripples. huh. anyway, if you would like to follow, pls send me an email, with your emai, and i will send you the link-and pls include your name-so i know who YOU are.....

ill keep this page up for a few days....

email: tbanda@new.rr.com


ciao!

google ads

so-notice the google sense ads? they earn me money when you visit them.....(hint hint).....this is wedding fund money. so feel free to click away....even if its just for my cause :)

and of course, they are such great ads............right.

wedding stress is setting in....

crunch time is here folks.....3 months away.....

its been a while since i have posted about wedding stuff-mostly bc of the j-o-b situation, which has cramped the wedding budget significantly...we have cut costs sooo incredibly dramatically-in a good way we have found some major scores and deals, but our major stress right now is our guest list. which is reaking all kind of havoc. i have cut and cut and cut and it still isnt 'small' enough. we started with almost 300 (yikes) guests....i have a HUGE family-even just extending to my first cousins its over 120 people-not including any friends or kell's side....due to our budget cuts, we are having to do our dinner to about 150 people. i know its considered 'tacky' or taboo in this day in age to do weddings and not invite people to the dinner and then to the reception...but we dont know how else to do this???? and then there are out of town guests-you cant invite them to the wedding and NOT to the dinner, so its just frustrating.....we are down to about 190 guests but, and im certain that all 190 guests arent going to be able to make it....but do we just send out all dinner invites to 190 guests and 'hope' that we 'get lucky'??? or what??? ive heard of a 'plan b' back up invites for those who cant make it to the dinner and then sending additional invites out to 'reinvite' dinner invites out to those who were going to just be 'reception' invites-but i dont know how to time this or go about doing this....

so blog world, im reaching out to you....if you know how to do this, or have any creative ideas--PLEASE send them my way!! and in a hurry...we have to get our invites printed in the next couple weeks and all that jazz...

ramblings of an insomniac...

i deleted my midnight post.....i caused some ruckus.

so-i apologize if you were among the live ones who had to read that post, i was up until past 2 am with a major case of insomnia, my anxiety getting the worst of me....in which case incessant rambling occurred.

sometimes i let the best of my mind get to me, and it has been lately.....*sigh*


stinkin' crazy person i am. ;)

so-my deepest regret if you were among that read. all is okay. we are all healthy. promise. :) momma t just doin a bit too much thinkin in that brain of hers....

pardon my...

short leave of absence....its been a bit busy getting back into the swing of school....and, i am soooo sick. today is the first day i have gotten out of bed since sunday. blech. i dont know when the last time i was this sick....i havent started my new job yet, but i have orientation next week. woot! i am so excited to get back into 'that' swing of things....

blogger wouldnt let me log on today. it said 'there was suspicious activity on my account'. so i just spent the last half hour trying to figure out wth that was all about....maybe its bc i havent been on the computer in over a week....hm. i wonder what 'suspicious activity' entails.

emersyn is about to turn 4. i cannot believe she is almost 4. it seems like just yesterday i found out i was pregnant with her....i had a complicated pregnancy with her. my triple screens came back abnormal-the tests that can show potential birth defects such as neural tube defects, down syndrome, spinal bifida, etc....so at 20 weeks i had to see a perinatologist. kelly and i werent together during this time and i was so scared. the tests often give 'false positives', but it cant be determined until you have further testing....which of course just causes a lot of worrying and stress....i saw the perinatalogist-and he informed me that my little girl was healthy. there were no heart defects, no other problems. except that she was very small. and had a big belly. :) they told me she was going to be little. i never believed this. never. just bc kelly is pretty solidly built. a few weeks after this appointment, i got a kidney infection that landed me in the hospital for the weekend. typically-it can be managed at home, but since i was considered to be a 'high risk pregnancy' b/c of my abnormal triple screens, and uti's and kidney infections while you are pregnant can cause pre-term labor. at 24 weeks, i worked a night shift at the hospital and began to have chest pain. which was really odd. im not a 'heavy' person, and by this time i had only gained about 5 lbs. since i was at the hospital-and know all the doctors, i just plopped myself down to the ER, just to put myself onto the monitor. i began throwing up, and feeling just-sick. i finished my shift out at the hospital, and when i left in the morning, i called my OB/GYN. the dr. on call wanted me to go to the hospital, this time as an actual patient...i went to our 'sister' hospital, since it was closer to home and (heaven forbid) if anything happens, they have a NICU onsite. by then, my chest pain was gone, but i still didnt feel good. they sent me to the OB floor to be monitored, and lo and behold, i was having contractions. i couldnt feel them, but they were fairly consistent. they decided to 'check' me, just to make sure i wasnt dialating. i was. i was dialated at 1. so now, we were in a whole new ball game. i was only 24 weeks.....it was too soon to have this baby....i spent another weekend in the hospital, on multiple drugs to stop the preterm labor(i wouldnt wish magnesium sulfate on ANYONE). it seemed to 'subside' and i went home. on bedrest. STRICT bedrest. i couldnt even pick jaelynn up and carry her. i could only get up to pee. it sucked-but worth it. i went in every week for an ultrasound and a stress test. finally at 32 weeks, they took me off the strict bedrest. they continued to say emersyn was going to be 'small'. i still didnt believe this.....but....at my 36 week appt. they did an ultrasound, found that for some reason i had a larger than normal amount of amniotic fluid-which they said wasnt a big deal, but ALSO found that our 'little' emersyn was weighing in at over 8lbs.....

yeah. i called that one. so, technically, i had 4 weeks to go. but my dr. didnt want to wait-with all the issues throughout my pregnancy, and mostly-he said, he didnt want her to get any bigger.....he said my 'bone structure' was that of a small frame and would not be able to accomodate such a large baby.....(your telling me) so-we were going to induce the following week, at 37 1/2 weeks.

on the day of her delivery, i went in and they broke my water pretty much right away. i was already dialated at 2. when i have pain, i puke. i was doing okay, but all the sudden the contractions started coming fast and hard.....she checked me and i went from 2-8 in a matter of 15 minutes. they called for my epidural-which i recommend every mother should seriously consider. it took only on one side. so after an extra dose of epidural medicine-i was completely dialated. and super numb. my dr. came in to help deliver, but i was too numb to push.....so they turned off my epidural (yikes) and was going to come back once i had a 'little more feeling'....but.....as he started to walk out, emersyn's heart rate took a swan dive. now there was no choice. she had flipped herself over-they call it 'sunny side up' and had gotten the cord wrapped around her neck. all at once, there was a million people in the room. i was freaking out. this is one of those times, as a nurse, you wish you werent a nurse. bc you just know TOO much. i knew exactly what was happening and it wasnt good. they got the vacuum and forceps, and in a matter of seconds, she was out. all 8lbs. 4oz. of her. and she was beautiful.


so, long story. complicated pregnancy. complicated delivery.

healthy baby-priceless.

happy birthday baby girl.

mother knows best...

remember all those things you HATED hearing your mom (or dad) saying to you growing up- that were constantly repeated or didnt make sense, or maybe did, but you just didnt want to hear or admit it? or when your mom would say, 'some day you'll understand?' or how about,' its for you own good.' here we go:

'dont make that face or itll get stuck like that.'

'bc i said so, thats why'.

'i do it bc i love you.'

'lying will always get you in more trouble than telling the truth....' (heard that one A LOT)

'its not just about you.'

and not just the things they used to say, but the things they used to do, too. things you SWORE youd never do. you know, like make your kids clean their room if they didnt want do. how dare she! or demand respect. ugh! its crazy how much i am like my mom, and i mean it in the best possible way. shes taught me to fight for what i believe in. to stand up for myself. shes taught me to not be so stubborn, and will point out my faults to a t. shes not afraid to correct me when im wrong bc she wants me to be the BEST me i can be.

sure i know all that NOW.

now if i could get my eight year old child to understand that. and shes only eight......man.....

the search is OVER!

well friends. I GOT A JOB! that definately entitled an all caps sentence. the biggest sigh of relief has been released from my body. if it werent for this ginormous migraine that has suddenly sprung from NO WHERE, i would be on cloud nine. actually, i have been on cloud 9 until about 45 minutes ago when this migraine started. i blame the migraine on a couple things. 1) bleach fumes. i have been on this cleaning kick. hard core. so i may or may not have ingested toxic bleach fumes. 2) the plethora of papers to sign that comes home on the infamous 'first day of school.' its nuts. and no matter how many times i wash my hands, the bleach smell wont go away...i 'spose it could be a worse smell, like poop or something.. anywhoo....so yes, a job. can you believe this? im so excited. ill be working on the weekends only. which is actually nice, bc then i can stay home with my emersyn during the week, and babysit little adler buttman and all that. so thats peachy.

jae's first day of school went well. except that she wasnt there half the day....bc she had a dr. appt. and it was with the child psychologist-to do some IQ testing and other tests, so it ended up taking 3 1/2 HOURS! man. that is a LONG time to sit in the waiting room. good thing i had a good book. still a long time. but i know they are going to tell me she is like, extraordinarily gifted.....just like her mom.....*sigh*. ;) no really, it will be interesting to see the results of the testing for real. and i WONT be surprised if she really is super gifted-she amazes me...

according to the farmers almanac, the midwest states, which i am in, is in for a very, very, bitter cold winter. well, this is what i say. suck it. i hate the winters here. they are so friggin cold. did i mention im getting married in december? yeah, im not really sure what made me decide to have a winter wedding considering i hate the cold except that i wanted to be 'different'. yep, leave it to crazy ol' tera to feel the need to go against the grain. geesh.

alright, signing off. my head is pounding... au revoir!

getting back in the swing of things

school starts this week. woot-woot. dont get me wrong, i love my baby jae, but always by the end of summer, i am a little bit ready to pull my hair out....she is a very schedule oriented girl. she needs structure. so going 3 months without that day in and day out structure starts to wear on us all by the end of summer.... and she is excited to see all her best girls at school. shes such a little social butterfly....i cant believe shes going to be in 3rd grade! its so crazy. i remember when i was in 3rd grade i learned cursive. and next year emersyn will be in pre-k. it just happens so fast. emersyn will be 4 sept. 21st. you know, people sometimes say, 'if you were to ask yourself ten years ago if this is where you pictured your life, is this where you would have seen yourself?' and i used to say, 'no way.' simply bc i never would have chosen to be a 'single mom' or to do things 'backwards'- i.e. have kids first before getting married, and while i still may not have CHOSEN those things, if someone were to ask me that question now, id say yeah, this is exactly where i see myself. im happy. im content. i have 2 beautiful kids. i have a wonderful family. i have a soon to be husband who would do anything for me, a relationship with God who gets i get stronger with every day. sure, i have done things a bit sideways, backwards and flipsided, but it has made me who i am today, and without those experiences, i wouldnt be half the person i am, or have some of the life experiences or people in my life. and can i just say--how much i love my two kids? man they are great. i love it when they laugh hysterically -not just giggle, but the full on belly laugh. jae loves to watch america' funniest videos, and we make it a sunday night ritual, and i enjoy this time soo much, mostly just to hear her laugh. emersyn gets a giggling non stop when she farts. and then she'll say, 'daddy did you farted'. it just melts my heart. and then when the most random times when emersyn or jae comes up to me and just says, 'i love you mommy.' and when jae takes care of emersyn. one doesnt realize how much goes into making a child. it is truly a gift from God. it is so easy to take my (our) babies for granted....hold them close, squeeze them tight, tuck them in at night.....


please continue to pray for my friends. pray for Gods healing hands. for His strength, His will, His comfort to my friends.

bigger than this world

well. this will be a short post. but i just wanted to post to ask those of you who believe in prayer to pray for some friends of mine. i have to be vague about the situation to protect privacy, but....they are dear, dear friends of mine-who are some of the most amazing people in the world. and they are perhaps dealing with something far bigger than this world than i have ever dealt with and hope to never deal with. so-just pray for them. to be strong-for each other. to rely on God. for His healing hands.

our God is a big God, and i know He will provide for them-it may be in a different way than we want or think, but i know-and thankfully, they do, too, that He will see this through. but that doesnt always make it easier....

please. pray.

would you go?

i dont often blog about my faith- i mean, i talk about it quite a bit, especially with my job situation, but it isnt often the 'topic' of my blog. and actually, i tend to talk about it in my frustration....which i think we often do. but yesterday at church, we had a guest speaker who knocked my socks off. his name was jamie w.he was amazing. he was a retired d.c. cop who was actually recruited by the CIA b/c of his police work on the squad who decided that he he wasnt 'casting his net' far enough. so he turned down the CIA opportunity down, and at that time, took his wife, his 8 yr old, 5 yr old and 10 month old son and moved to Indonesia to serve the people there. He had a calling to reach the Muslim faith specifically. Could you imagine-just up and leaving everything you know and going to a foreign place-with small children, where you can be arrested, and potentially put to death for sharing you faith??? This mans passion, amazed me. It just drew me in, captivated me. He was, in fact, arrested, for something-i cant recall what it was.... And potentially faced 10 years in prison in Indonesia. On the day of his trial, a chair sat empty and he sat before two other court justices in the court room. His wife and him had come to terms with the fact that he was going to go to jail, and she would be taking care of the children. but at the last moment, when asked if there was anyone who wanted to speak as a witness on his behalf, a man came in. it wasnt anyone he knew, but it was clear he was someone highly regarded. he spoke that he was a devout muslim, and when he went to america to get his PHD, it was one of the most prestigious and difficult programs ever. and he couldnt pass. but on the second or third night there, two men came to him and said they wanted to help him, bc they wanted him to succeed. and they did help him. and not only did they help him, but this man became graduated top of the class, even ahead of the two men who helped him. he also shared that every wednesday, they held a study, a bible study. those two men were christians. they wanted to help him, out of the goodness of their hearts, not because he was the 'enemy', bc he was muslim, but because they loved him, despite different religions. The man then looked at jamie and said, you are doing your work, but you are doing it all wrong. we are not your enemy. find another way. and walked out. the court justices looked at each other and said, the charges will be dismissed. jamie walked out of the court room, confused, and the man was waiting outside. jamie said, 'who are you, and what just happened?' the man said, 'do you see that empty chair? that chair belongs to the president of the islam board (or something of that nature), and he was killed yesterday in a car accident. that chair now belongs to me.' and walked away. tell me God doesnt work in mysterious ways.....so they did find another way. they live in indonesia for 8 yrs and moved then to iraq, and then to baghdad. and have changed many muslim lives along the way. casting their nets off the boat into deeper water, doing as God tells them, when He tells them. Man, i want faith like that. i LONG for faith like that. i realized how un-strong i am. i am simply wading in the shallow. i THINK im in the deep end. i realized though, that to cast into the deep end you dont necessarily have to go cross country, or states away--it can next door, or across the street. or the local homeless shelter. or the youth. my own family....myself.....it really stirred me.

so, what about you? will you cast your net like Peter? into deeper waters? would you go, near or far wherever he will lead you?

no child left behind

so. on my june visit home to georgia, m and c were amidst the end of cheerleading camp. they both are high school varsity cheerleading coaches. down south, cheerleading is a big deal-you know, like the kind of cheerleading you see on ESPN? the kids that are involved pretty much live and breathe it. they take tumbling classes and often cheer on separate teams outside of school-if they are 'good' enough. what amazed me was the drama that these parents get involved in. its like something straight out of 'the realhousewives of whatever'...... they dont make their kids take responsibility for their actions any longer, instead, its the constant defending and catering to whatever needs they have. if they do something wrong-and i dont mean something trivial-i mean like something that could get them kicked off the squad; they point fingers at everyone else and make excuses for their kids. its constant disrespecting the coaches. i was absolutely appalled at some of the things i heard during the week i was there thru m and c. i would have never put up with the crap they do-from both parents and kids. when i played soccer in high school, the rules were clear. there was a 'no tolerance' policy. which meant if we were caught drinking or smoking-we were kicked off the team-no questions asked. not only that; i can speak for 99% of the players on my teams parents in that if we would have been caught-our asses would have been grounded for a LONG time, and we would have definately paid the consequences for the actions. again, no questions asked. and it was like this not just for soccer, but for all our sports. that is not the case anymore. m said it best--'no child left behind'. what are we teaching our children?? that they dont need to take responsibility for their actions? that its okay to make a commitment to your team and when you let them down, mommy and daddy will pick up your slack and make it better? or that it doesnt matter? its ridiculous. i was disgusted listening to the moms of some of these girls bad mouth some of the daughters of other moms--these moms, who are supposed to be role models to their own daughters, spewing out all this ugliness. and the disrespect that they give m and c--who bust their butts off all year round for these kids. the time that these two girls put into their coaching, is unbelievable. espcecially during season. they teach/work all day, and then coach every day after school for at least 2-3 hrs. and then every weekend they have games and competitions. in the summer, they have camp all summer. it never ends for them. i dont know what made me think of this today, but i hope that if you are raising young ones that you will not be one of these parents....agh.

moving along. i have a headache. and i am feeling a tad overwhelmed. do you ever get like that? overstimulated? and i have a sore throat. im not sure if im getting a summer cold? i hope not, but im hoping my headache doesnt turn into a migraine....is it bad that im kinda ready for school to start? jaelynn and emersyn have been at each others throats the last few days, so i thought wed get out of the house and go to heckrodt today, which is a nature center/trail today. right. they whined the WHOLE time. i was ready to throw them in the turtle swamp. (not really....but seriously) i mean, i kinda wanted to pull my hair out. my sister maddie was with us b/c i babysit her, and she was freaking out about spiders, jaelynn was freaking out about not stepping on the spiders bc she didnt want to kill them and emersyn didnt want the spiders to crawl on them. and it must have been daddy long leg day, bc they were EVERYWHERE. so we were headed no where fast. finally i told them if anyone said one more word about spiders i was going to put them in their hair. well-it worked. and got them moving. we saw a beaver. cute little guy. and then i took them to the pool this afternoon. but it wasnt all that warm out, but its supposed to rain the rest of the week, so i knew today may be the only day possible the rest of the week....

*sigh* and now im going to cuddle up with the gold coast....im behind on my one-days, but check out my nephew adler, from family night at the packer game. he is a ham.

can you believe it?

i cant believe its already almost the end of august! the summer has flown by. my hiatus was good. my two older sisters, jen and steph were both here-not at the same time, but on separate visits, so i spent some time with family-which is always a wonderful time. i have to say i have such an amazing family. i mean, really. i suppose almost everyone feels that way about their families, but seriously-i am so fortunate to have such supportive, and loving sisters and parents. especially since losing the job-their prayers and moral support has shone through even more. moving along.....its kinda late, ive been hooked on a series of books that you MUST read, if you havent already done... the first-"the girl with the dragon tattoo" and the sequel to it, "the girl who played with fire". i have to say, the first book was kind of slow at first, but once i got into it, i couldnt put it down. and the second one was awesome from the first page. i just finished it before hopping on the computer. next i am starting "the gold coast"-which i have heard is another 'must read'. to finish my post tonight--a series of 'can you believe its':

can you believe--

*summer's almost over

*that there is only 4 months until kelly and i's wedding!!!

*we got locked out of the house today for 2 1/2 hours. (agh. long story)

*the cost of my prescription medicatios monthly is over $300(!)

*its been 10 years since ive graduated high school already?

*ive lost 14lbs. (yay!)

*i have never and will never try sushi. (ew)

*brett favre came out of retirement for the SECOND time and signed on with the friggin' VIKINGS??????? (dont get me started)

*ive lived a good portion of my life in wisconsin and have only down hilled skiied once-and that was only on the 'bunny hill'

*i used to be frequent raves on a weekly basis?

*me and a girlfriend were chased by a homeless man one night when i lived in atlanta (quite scary incident)

*my license was suspended for speeding a while back....-i live on cruise control these days....


alright. ill stop there.....it feels good to be back in the blogosphere....i have a picture on my one-a-day, but its actually not from today, but from this past weekend. be sure to check it out.

she's back........

yes. i am back. after my hiatus, i am feeling refreshed and wonderful. not going to post today, bc i need to catch up on all my favorite blogity blogs! but no fears friends, maybe tonight, but for sure tomorrow. i missed you all and the blogging world.....its crazy, how attached you become to this cyber world and the friends you make on here.....

blogger break

well, im taking a break from this blog. probably not too long, but there are some things going on that need tending to-and need my full attention. not that this blog requires 'a lot' of attention, but i just need to re-focus on other things at this point and need as little distractions as possible....so. i have a favor of all you blogger friends......and that is to pray for me, and my family. pray for me to trust God whole heartedly and lean heavily on Him. and to seek answers, not force them.....


so, i will be back. until then, hope you all are well.

low.

still sad. but some encouraging words from family are always helpful. really not in the mood to write today--no one needs to hear 'negative nancy' 2 days in a row..... but.....if you havent already, make sure you check out my one-a-days. :)


startsinmynoseoneadays

and then my world came crashing down

down. on top of me. so hard that i cant breathe. i cant see. i cant hear. i look in the mirror and hardly recognize myself anymore. with every failed job interview, i lose a little piece of myself. i had 2 last week. both went well. one that went particular well, and that one is the job that i WANT so bad. not only do i want it so bad, but id be perfect for. seriously. i walked out thinking that i nailed it. but i dont get excited anymore-bc ive been through it so many times. i wear the scarlet letter. scorned.

today i got the dreaded letter. you know, the one that says, 'while we had many candidates for the position,, blah blah....' basically-YOU SUCK AND WE DONT WANT YOU. you arent good enough for us, you were fired-so we wont give you a chance. and ive maintained my composure. but not today. my mom took the kids to the pool so i could get a break. and i broke down. and keep breaking down. i cant stop.

what does God want from me? everyone says to me, 'He wont give you anything you cant handle'. well, i CANT handle this. i CANT. i cant afford groceries. i cant buy jae's school supplies. i have to ask my mom to bring me frickin toilet paper from her house. i have trusted and leaned whole heartedly on God and---im tired. i dont want this anymore. i need to take care of my family, and i cant. i am losing who i am, respect for myself. every interview i go in, i explain the whole story about what happened at my last job-and the interviewers 'commend' me on my 'honesty' and 'integrity'. what BULLSHIT. i just feel so overwhelmed with failure. i have worked sooo hard to get where i am, and im stuck at the bottom again. and i cant get up, its like someones standing on my chest. i dont want this.

10 down.....

so, check this out....im down just about 10 lbs! in about 1 1/2 weeks! yay! super happy about that. and my mom noticed today! that made my day. kell and i went to play tennis on friday night for our 'date night', and had a blast. and he noticed. was super excited about that, too. i actually havent been exercising. just been doing the whole portion control. and trying to eat better, but mostly just eating LESS. not starving myself by any means-just doing the correct portions of things. it takes 21 days to create a habit, once i get this down, then im gonna do the exercise. exercise comes pretty easy to me, because i enjoy doing it, so i decided to do things differently this time. eating is something i LOVE, so i wanted to try to 'fix' this first and then add the exercise. often times i try to do too many things at once, and then fail....like exercise and diet all at once-and then i peter out...my bff meg says the first place she loses weight is her fingers (funny i know), for me its my face-which is what my mom noticed, in my 'lovely' chubby cheeks :) . i have a round face, so its the first place i lose-and gain. but i noticed my fingers, too! my engagement ring has been spinning more. i dont want to be skinny. i like my latin curves. but....i do want to get rid of my muffin top i have recently gotten, and the tummy that i used to never have, tone up the ol' chicken flab on my arms (agh), oh-this list could go on forever, so ill just stop here.....*sigh*

BUT, i am proud of my starting progress! so, onward and upward!

365, one a day

so, im stealing an idea.....from a blog i frequent....kindredly... if you havent checked out her blog-you really must. she is hilarious. i go to her for my daily dose of laughter. it never fails, i always leave laughing.....anyway, she got the idea from another blog....and now im stealing it from her. :) so, without further ado......click here to find out more...



STARTSINMYNOSEONEADAYS

an oven fire...and a trip down memory lane....

so, last week i had a fire in my oven. not just a wee little fire. a big fire. in my oven. i almost peed my pants. had my mom not been over, i probably would have peed my pants, and then called the fire department. see, a few nights earlier, i had made pizza. and it broke. like broke thru the oven rack. and made a bloody mess all over the bottom of the oven. i thought i had most of it picked up/burned off. i was making the kids lunch, and my mom had JUST gotten to my house to pick my kid sister madison up. the house was all smoky, i figured it was just remnants of the leftover pizza from the night before. i went to check on the kids lunch....and WHOOSH-huge fire. (hence, the whole fire needing oxygen deal) i panicked, and suddenly my house was filled with thick, black smoke. nice. i yelled. my mom yelled. the kids yelled. i shut the oven. (i was wishing it away). opened it back up, and it was still there. my mom batted at it with her hands. no luck. so she told me to get the kids outside. (greeeaat.) she whacked it out with the towel and all was well. but it was kinda freaky for about 5 minutes. but in all seriousness, if she hadnt been there, the fire department would have been lined up down my road for what was cited 'an oven fire' in the newspaper in the police blotter.....but....that got me thinking to college.....a particular incident...

i was living in the dorms at georgia state. was my freshman year. our dorm was called 'the village'-and werent really 'dorms', but were more like apartments. i had 3 roommates, and we all had our own rooms, a living room, a kitchen, etc....i think it was 7 stories....anway, we would have random fire drills. most often in the middle of the night. at like 3 am. and if you didnt go out of the building, and they caught you, youd get a fine. after the drills, theyd post a sign on the front of the building saying, 'this was just a drill.' or if it was a real alarm, it would say, 'the fire alarm was set off by room ---, caused by (and whatever reason)'. one night i was making my version of 'fried' chicken-which i tried to do by making a 'less' fattening version by not using as much oil. well, it didnt work so well. i was more or less sauteeing it, but it wasnt exactly working.....the next thing i knew, our kitchen was full of smoke, oil was flying everywhere, and lo and behold---the fire alarm went off. FOR THE WHOLE BUILDING. shit. im yelling for my roommates......and gah. so we hauled booty outside, trying to look innocent. however, no could do. the fire department knew it was my room that set it off. so when it was all over with, there sat the nice big sign on the entrance of the door that said, 'the fire alarm was set off by room 319(i think), by burnt chicken.' all night we had people coming by our room, harrassing us.....and when my other roommate came home from work that night.....and saw the sign....she laughed and said, 'what the hell happend'......one word.....TERA.


*sigh*

unsettled

tonight is shayna's viewing. and being state's away, i cant be there. i dont know. this has hit me harder than i realized. everytime i close my eyes, or lay down (which has been a lot in the last 4 days since ive had a horrible migraine), she springs to my mind. im soooo unsettled about it. why? i feel kind of numb about it. i feel like i need to be there. not just for her, but for some of my other friends, as well. i keep thinking of her daughter now without a mother-at the young tender age of 6. i keep thinking of her husband, who was driving, and what he must be going through. and her parents-cant imagine. and her sister. there are just so many people.....i want to hold her daughter, and love her, and tell her it will be okay. how do you make a 6 year old understand this? when as an adult we sometimes dont even understand it? how do you tell her that mommy is never coming back, or never going to tuck her in, or pick her up from school again. she'll never get to see her on her first date, or her prom, getting married. she was recently married-and was finally happy. newly pregnant. so much to look forward to with her new husband, their first baby together, a life of happiness. growing old together. gone, in an instant. i know God has his 'reasons' and we live in a fallen world, and all that, but its just so unfair sometimes. and it hurts. i dont know when the last time ive been this unsettled over a death of a loved one, and i think its harder b/c im not going to be there to say goodbye-im not getting any 'closure', if that makes any sense...i dont know...and in the past, ive been WITH my close group of friends-to mourn with, and now im up here, and i dont really have anyone to mourn 'with'-bc everyone is down there.....its just been kinda bottled up inside for the last few days, and i cant stop thinking about her. ive been dreaming about her, every thought alone includes her or her family....

please pray that God brings me some peace of mind, and closure.

but most importantly, please pray for shayna's family in this time.

no words.

how do you start a post saying that a friend has died? i dont really know. i found out that someone i went to school with, and played 5 years of soccer with was killed in a car accident today. she was 11 weeks pregnant. she left behind a daughter. her husband was driving and is in the hospital. its been about a year since ive last spoken to her, but we that doesnt make it hurt any less. she wasnt my 'best friend'. we used to say our high school was cursed. and kind of half 'joke' about it-to try and make light of it, bc a thick silence always filled the air.....but it seems true. we have lost over 10 friends-good friends in car wrecks. its so bizarre. weird. not normal. its bought us all super close to one another, but its so painful. we arent supposed to bury our friends. we are supposed to bury our parents--that thought alone is hard enough to think about....but what i mean is the whole 'age' thing....its a 'more' normal thing to bury our parents, as they age and pass due to age related illness, etc....but we are young and resilient, we arent supposed to die....

i will never forget the first soccer practice with shayna. she had just moved to georgia. it was club soccer....she showed up with her super long acrylic nails, bleach blond hair, and her shimmery eyeshadow and big brown eyes. we loved her, and she was hilarious. she always made me laugh...her nails.....how she could play with those thing-i dont know. she always had them done up to the nines. airbrushed with some fancy design and crazy color. ALWAYS. and SOOOOOOOO long. and she ran like SUCH A GIRL. i know, i know, we ARE girls.....but shayna=run like a girl. it was great. i can just picture it now.....her running down the right side of the field as a wing, super long fingernails in the wind, flapping like a girl..... :) man, i will miss that girl. between her, jaquelyn and randy--those 3 were always wreaking some kind of havoc, ALWAYS. leave it to the three muskateers....i remember her being the apple of her daddy's eye. ralph lundy soccer camp with 'lucky', (liam) our trainer wouldnt have been the same without shayna....she was a ray of sunshine. she will be missed.

i keep thinking about her daughter, and it hurts....i think about my daughters....and i pray for her husband, and their whole family. that God would be with them through this dark hour. i simply cannot imagine what they are going through right now, it makes me nauseated.


life is so short guys. please, be safe.


rest in peace, shayna. i will miss you.

things i never tire of hearing....

okay...most are things from my loved ones....but what can i say.....


'i love you to the sky and back'.-emersyn

'do you know how beautiful you are?'-kell

'will you rub my back?'-jaelynn

'leave my woogies alone!'-emersyn (when we try to wipe her nose)

'have you lost weight?' random people-at random times... (and kell today-which inspired this post...)

'you be wall-e and i be eva.'-emersyn

'i love you so, so, so much.' -jaelynn

'good-night, i love you.' -jaelynn

'good-night, i love you.'-emersyn (always right after jae says it)

'good-night, i love you.'-jae (5 minutes later.)

'i love you mommy.' -emersyn

'you wanna see my brain?' -emersyn (okay, the story behind this goes back to when she takes her iron....i always tell her she has to make her brain 'happy', and when she first started taking it, i used to say, let me look at you brain and see what it says....and look in her ear....so now when she takes her medicine--she always says 'you wanna see my brain?')

'good night, i love you.' -jaelynn (her nightly ritual consists of saying this probably 10 times....although, over the last month, she has improved significantly....down to about 2 times..... :)

'will you snuggle me?'-emersyn

'your the bestest mom ever.'-jaelynn

'i love you baby.'-kell

'i want lankies and milkies.'-emersyn (well, now its mostly lankies-her blanket, and applejuicy-since she cant really drink milk anymore...)

'i love you.' -my mom, dad, sisters.....

'miss you, love you, mean it.' -meghan

'whore.' -chrissy (our terms of 'endearment' for each other)

'you have such pretty eyes.' -random people, and kell. (its his favorite physical feature on my body, well-other than my butt :))

'i love your laugh.'-kell

'say boob'.-say-rah d. (just to hear my wis-CON-sin accent)



some of my fave sweet nothings.....there are most def. more, but this could get pretty long.....and yours??

loves

current love affairs:

l.a ink: new season jut started. kats little brother is adorable with a capital A. looks like a season ith some DRAMA as well... right upp my alley.

gossip girl: now if season 3 would just get started, id be a happy chica.

my garden: i have to say, ive become quite the pro gardener. my mom passed on the good gardening genes. :)

summer dresses: comfortable, cute, and cool. what more could you ask for?

miley: jae's new turtle. she is the size of a half dollar and is the cutest the ever. she was found on the side of the road up north.

kelly: called me twice in 5 minutes just to tell me how much he loves me. *sigh*. does it get any better than that?

big falls: (up north) love the peacfulness and beauty of it. and just being 'away'. sooo relaxing. and fun.

golf: summed up in the previous post. :)

sea salt almonds: gah. so yummy.

old navy flip flops. $3.50 for a pair of kids flip flops?? bring it on.

thunderstorms: YES! a lllooonnngg overdue one, rolling in as i type.....

reading: well, this is always a love affair....

babies: eh. yep, the baby bug is still lingering.....




what are your current love affairs????

on notice

its that time.....its been a while since ive done an 'on notice'....so you best hope you arent on my 'bad side'....although it may be a shorter list, considering that its one in the morning..... :)

american girl: why? why must you send me your magazine? i try to beat jaelynn to the mailbox everyday, but of course, the one day she beats me, there sits an american girl magazine. she LOVES american girl. cute, yes, they are. but abhorently OVERPRICED. $110 for a stinking doll?? you.must. die. YOU, american girl, are on notice.

pro x: i love oil of olay face lotion. but the new pro x face lotion has left me a real fine bumpy rash on my face. itchy, too. humpf.

'dennis' (neighbor boy)-after telling him that its time to go home, b/c it was late and the girls were going to get ready for bed, he says 'okay. but can i come in first and have some crackers?' NO. you cant. 'but why?' bc i said. now GO HOME.

anonomous caller- who calls my voicemail and says, 'hey tera its john, call me.' or 'hey tera its patty, call me back'. like i KNOW you-quit calling me. your sales pitch or whatever it is, not gonna work for me.



thats all i got for now. but dont worry....thats just round one....dont get on my bad side, or YOU will be on notice. ;)

im on my way!

to the women's PGA that is. yep, you heard right. im at it again. golfing. im quite certain that at any minute my cell's gonna ring and my life as i know it is going to turn a new leaf. sure, sure, maybe ive only golfed one other time. but i busted out my new clubs my sister's got me for my birthday, and i WAS happenin'! i did so great, kell and i stopped keeping score.


ooooookkkkkkay. so maybe i fudged a little.....but i DO love the game. i MAY be bad, but it WAS only my second time. and really, im not that bad. my swing tends to be like that of a baseball bat, but im working on that. and i may also tend to do a complete 360 degree spin when i swing, too, but i get a little excited. on the plus side, i didnt hit anyone, or hurt myself. and i actually almost parred one of the holes....but kelly and i had a blast. we giggled (well mostly i did, or kelly at me...), and just enjoyed each others company....its been soooooooo long since we have had a 'date night'. like 3 months. crazy, i know.

we've got like 5 months until our wedding--and im (we) are super excited, but at the same time, stressed bc of my job situation....and kell just going back to work after his surgery. so money is so tight right now. we've managed to cut costs on a lot of things, but it still is so stressful....and then trying to keep up with the daily day to day costs, etc....its like every day its something new...

emersyn is just getting over a double ear infection. poor kid. her immune system is still cashed from her iron being so low, she she is more succeptible to illnesses, etc....she gets her levels checked next week, so we will see how she is responding to her treatment/meds. hopefully she is doing well. the change in her energy level has been so incredibly dramatic-its unbelievable. we used to have to literally force her to get her moving, she would just want to lay in bed or on the couch ALL day, especially after a nap. but now she is soo much more active and wanting to play and do things. and shes not nearly as pale! some of that is probably from being outside, too....


oh, gotta go-my cell's ringing. pretty sure its the PGA people. duty calls.... :)

bitten by....the baby bug????

yep, i have been.....leah had her baby! adler jesus kirkland made his appearance on friday evening. he is precious. ironically, this is the day that leah and brandon were set to move into their new house. so....while they were in the hospital in labor, we (family) moved them in! what a weekend. i spent it trying to help get the house ready for them to come home. so it was super busy and exhausting....but so worth it, i know how overwhelming it is having a new baby-and on top of it having a new house to have to unpack and settle into, i cant imagine.... so ive been trying to help leah out as much as possible.

but yes...hanging out with leah and baby adler has made me long for another baby....*sigh*. and i never thought id say this, but a baby boy would be nice. of course, a healthy baby is all i want, but i always pictured myself with all girls. until now....a little boy would to roughen up the roost would be fun. but, dont worry family, itll be a while. kell and i want to have a baby right away after we get married, but we have decided that we need to wait a bit until we are a bit more secure financially. and there is the issue of space....my house is soo small. so, we have to decide where we would put a little peanut. we have talked about adding on to the house, or waiting to move. so lots to think about....:( but i know God has a plan for us and it will all fall into place when the time is right....but yes, the baby bug has bitten me.....and it doesnt help that EVERYONE i know is prego or has just had a baby....agh.

i havent done a job update in a while....probably bc there really isnt much to update....its hard to not be frustrated. i have had several interviews-some of which have gone really well. i feel like i am a good interviewer, (not to toot my own horn), but still no job. i just wish i could grab them by the lapels and say, 'listen, give me a CHANCE! i promise, you wont be disappointed.' i have so much to prove. i miss being a nurse, i miss taking care of people and i miss making a difference. i have been trusting that God has a plan for me, but....what? i dont know. anyway--keep praying for me.....

thats all i got. off to bed.

what a day....

michael jackson and farrah fawcett? both stars dead, in one day? whoa. too much to take in. every headline i see is about mj. the king of pop. dead at 50. the world will never be the same. dont get me wrong. i love me some michael jackson, but seriously? what about our troops who are fighting tooth and nail, getting KILLED for the iraqi people's freedom? or the uproar going on in iran? and the whole nuclear warfare business going on in japan? and hear we sit, allowing michael jackson to take over our facebook pages, our newscast headlines, and radiostations, bc suddenly this is waaayyy more important. it seems a bit ridiculous to me. i dont know, maybe im missing something. like i said, its sad-he was a wonderful musician, but really. i can think of sooo many things that should grace the attention he is getting.....i wont lie, there have been several times i have said outloud tonight, 'i cant believe hes dead', but then on my way home from jae's soccer game, all that was on the radio was michael jackson, and when i went to cnn.com to check the new-which i do every night, there was no 'news' headlines, just mj tributes. and facebooks-all mj stuff. but in the midst of his scandals, everyone was right there to slander him at the drop of a dime. huh. just sayin. i just think we all have our heads in the wrong place. everyone. me included....but what do i know....

moving along.....

my sister jenni had her baby!!! and, for the first time EVER, my prediction was WRONG...she had a boy. yay! so she now has 2 girls and a boy. michael john. very excited to have another nephew, and another nephew soon to come in the next week or so....eek!

on this day, i lost a great friend several years ago. she was a twin. she was a ray of sunshine to many people. she had a laugh that could make a whole room light up, and a personality that was amazing. she was in this world for a short time, but during that time, she touched so many lives. her death was tragic to many, but it brought our group together in a way that one could never imagine. she remains in the hearts of us all- and i smile thinking about her, the memories and the love she brought us all. you are missed b.c.s, you are missed.

a little bit of.....everything..

so. first things first.

i have a new obsession. im not sure if i want to admit it here, for the world to see. okay. here goes. gossip girl. there, i said it. i know, this show is HORRIBLE. as in, sleazy and all things my mom and dad would NEVER approve of me watching. but, i cant help it. ive heard my friends talking about it, and got the bug. so, i decided to check it out myself...i rented the entire first season, and it had me at 'gossip girl, xoxo'.....now if only the second season would get released.....

my sister jenni is going to be induced tomorrow, so im super excited. say a prayer that all goes well.....leah is due in a couple weeks, but i have a feeling this weekend is going to be her weekend. just a feeling i have....

we went up north this weekend to kell's dads for father's day. had a blast. it is so beautiful up there. its only about an hour away. he lives on the river, in the woods. about 2 weeks ago, they had 2 bear-a mom and a cub actually come up on there porch looking in the window. crazy.....we created an 'eco-system' for the kids in the kiddie pool. caught a million bullfrogs, a fox snake, tons of minnows, crayfish, a northern, perch, oysters, snails--and some other creatures we didnt know the names of.....the kids LOVED every minute of it. at one point, i had to leave to go to the bar (b/c the town they live in is so small there isnt a grocery store) to get some soda, so i was driving down the gravel road when i see this big fat snake. the fox snake we caught was small, like a garter snake. think big, like a rattle snake. so, i got out of my car-my interest peaked.....all the sudden it bowed up at me, exactly as cobras do, and fanned out its head like a cobras. kinda freaked me out, no? yeah. it started to slither away, so i threw some big fat rocks on him. i took a picture of him so i could ask kell's dad what kind of snake he was. turns out, he was a blow snake. they are similar to cobra's in the sense that they fan there heads up and out the way cobra's do. and are poisonous. yikes. saturday night, i was outside, kell was in the house with kids in the hot tub. there is a clear patio door that leads out to the screened porch. it was open most of the day, but kell's dads girlfriend had to work early sunday AM, so it had gotten closed. jae wasnt aware of this, and since it was dark, didnt see it.....can you see where this is going? yeah. ran right into it. poor kid. she was more embarrassed than anything. so kell yells for me and i go cuddle her up. she wanted to get her suit on and get in the hot tub with kell, emersyn and kaedyn. so she went to get her suit on, all excited to go swim. not even five minutes later, i was outside sitting by the fire, when i hear her crying again. she ran into it a SECOND time. only this time she literally RAN into it. HARD. it was dark in the house, so i couldnt see very well. but we went and sat down. i was holding her, and she was just a crying. so hard she was steaming up her glasses. so i went to take her glasses off, and when i did, i saw blood. EVERYWHERE. and lots of it. her face was completely covered in blood. i started to panic. now, you all know im a nurse, blood doesnt bother me. but, when its your own child's- its a whole different story....i jumped up and yelled to kell, ran jae into the kitchen. at which point i almost passed out.... oh geez, i thought. not good. everyone came running in to help. at first glance, i was thinking, grab your keys, lets go-she needs stitches. it was right above her eye. now, if you know anything about eye wounds, or 'head' wounds, its that they bleed like a mother. once we got her all cleaned up, it wasnt that deep of a gash, but it was pretty wide. some dermabond would have been a dream, or a butterfly bandaid....so she was okay, but poor kid, slammed into that door hard. itll be a nice scar, but i told her itll give her character. :) she also has a bit of a shiner. *sigh* im glad shes okay, it couldve been worse...

anyone watch jon and kate tonight? kelly had just walked in right after the big announcement to see me balling. i mean, like breath hitching crying. okay. so, i am an emotional person, but i dont get teary over tv type stuff often. but, it was heart wrenching. kelly cant stand to watch it-b/c he he thinks they need to pull the plug on it. step back. they knew what they were signing on for with the whole tv stuff. and while thats true, like i said, they are still people, and its always sad to see a marriage break up. especially when there is kids involved. my heart hurts for those kids. but for jon and kate too. i agree with kelly. i DO think they need to pull the plug. its time. they say this has been a long time coming, and that 'even if' the media wasnt there it would havent happened, but it was definately a factor. and fine, if separation is what they feel is best-but those kids are going to need them more than ever right now, and i think they owe it to them to do it in private. i really do. so, im not going to watch anymore. and neither should you. kelly made me realize that tonight. he said shame on them and shame on the people who watch. yeah, its entertainment, and again, its what they signed on for, but enough is enough. shows over. they are exploiting their children, and it may have been 'okay' before, to help secure their 'future'-but its not anymore. the media scrutiny over this from the attention WE give them, is going to ruing these kids. shame on US. another statistic. why do we just give up so easily? why do we take the easy way out in marriages? i dont understand it. i simply dont. and people wonder why yound people today are so quick to NOT take the plunge, but rather just cohabitate forever. why, when they can just play it 'safe'? what DID happen to 'death do us part'? or the marriage vows? it frustrates me to no end, especially as my wedding nears. i get scared every now and again. i think thats normal. i hope thats normal--but the way that marriage has been portrayed today isnt how i remember it growing up, and it scares me for MY kids. i mean, hell, i HAVE a child out of wedlock. there is so much uncertainty.....the only thing i AM certain of is that when kell and i get married it IS forever. divorce is a word that isnt even in our vocabulary.

do you smell something?

we banda family members are quite open about our, um, bodily functions. as in, all things pooping, farting, the whole nine. so, yes, this post is about that, among other things.....but to start....bodily functions. everyone who knows me knows im fairly open about tooting and all the likes. call me unlady like, fine, but its a part of life. i only do it around people i am comfortable around-so dont worry, if ive just met you, you dont have to worry. but i have no qualms talking about it. i think leah is the only one in our family who is embarrassed by it and disgusted by it. but the girl can belch. ali tends to be rather discreet as well, but i think she just needs some corruption. i never really farted around any of my boyfriends until kelly. anyway, currently, kelly is taking protein supplements-a shake, because he works out pretty hard core. the downside of this is that it gives him gas. now, im not talking ordinary toots here. im talking knock your grandmother over dead toots. the raunchy of all ranunchy. its bad. so, we were at walmart the other day, kell and the kids and i. shopping around, when i get this whif of something. oh.no.he.didnt. i looked at him, and he has this goofy grin on his face. i turned and walked away. at the same time, a family walks into the aisle that he just totally bombed with his toxic gas. he looks at them, a father with his 3 teenage daughters and son, and says, 'i just farted, just to let you know.' and walks away. i could have died. like you would tell them! seriously. it was hilarious. about ten minutes later, we passed them in a different part of the store, and the teenage girls were just a giggling. i can imagine the stories they told there friends.....it was pretty funny.

moving along....its father's day this weekend. i came along a sign i saw while driving that said, 'everyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.' what a cool sign. i thought this was especially true in my life, with jaelynn's dad-and kelly being her dad. sure, shawn is her father, but he isnt her 'dad'. kelly is. i am so fortunate to have such a wonderful man and soon to be husband as the father of my children. i never knew what work it was having a 'blended family'. i grew up in an 'in tact' family, my parents are still married. i have very few friends who have divorced parents. they say that it takes at least SEVEN years for a blended family to really 'blend' (for lack of a better word). its hard. i sometimes wish that people who had 'in tact' families had a better understanding of it--b/c before i was involved in this, i was absolutely CLUELESS. clueless. and trying to explain it, its really not possible, its more of one of those things one has to experience....i sometimes wish i had a friend or two who had a similar situation, only to have someone who could understand some of my struggles more clearly. but not just the struggles, but the triumphs that come with having a blended family.

id like to talk a bit more about the man in my life. he doesnt like me to blog about him....but i dont think he will mind if i sing a few praises on him....(in honor of father's day). kelly is....the most fun, loving, amazing man i have ever met. stubborn at times, but arent we all.... :) strong-physically, emotionally. he is so incredibly dedicated to his family. he will do anything for me, or our kids. he loves God, hes good looking (always a plus), he tells me im beautiful-even on days when i havent showered and am an absolute mess. hes not afraid to show emotion. hes passionate-about everything, hes the hardest worker youll ever meet. hes neat and clean, he always helps around the house-even though he doesnt live here yet. hes my best friend. i could go on....and on....and on....*sigh*

are you falling in love with him yet? too bad. hes mine. but dont worry, theres plenty more out there for you..... ;)

i love you cow-cow. happy fathers day.

meet the cleavers

so. ive lived in my house for just short of two years now. i have a few nice neigbors. the one on the right may be in love with my fiance..( if you catch my drift)-but sooo nice and has a gorgeous garden. not to mention, he gives me free plants and flowers all the time. the one on the right is an older single lady who i think is a spinster. or possibly a widow, or a divorcee. then we have the neghbors across the street. we will call them the cleavers. on the night we moved in, they came over and introduced themselves, all happy. husband, wife and 3 boys. yay. one big happy family. i am a nice person, but it takes me a looonngg time to be comfortable with people. so for the last year and a half its pretty much been 'hey', 'how are you' type banter when we see them. well, about a month ago, the cleavers had a fire in their basement. tragic, i know. something faulty with the furnace. i was mowing the lawn when it happend, so i offered to take their youngest son in my yard. we will name this son dennis (as in dennis the menace). cute kid. hes 4. kelly and emersyn were up north on this day, so it was just me and jae home. so jae and i kept him busy. so, anyway. everything was okay, the house was fine, it was just smoke damage. later that afternoon, when kell came home, he stopped over to talk to the neigbor and make sure everything was okay. mr. cleaver apparently spilled his life story to kelly, short of how many times he and mrs. cleaver have sex a week....interesting. so-now we are friends. fine and dandy.

so, a couple days later, i am getting ready to pick jae up from school and had just opened up the garage door and was sitting at the kitchen table writing out bills. all the sudden my back door to my house swings open and dennis is standing there.

dennis: 'hi'
me: 'AAHHH!'
d: giggle
m: you scared the crap out of me!
d: whatcha doin?
m: just getting ready to pick jae up from school. what do you need?
d: nothing. (just stands there.)
m: oh. does your dad know your here?
d: no.
m: oh. well, you need to let him know where you are, you cant just leave without telling him where you are, especially cross the road. plus, i have to leave to go get jaelynn from school.
d: well, can i come with you?
m: (thinking, WHAT?) um, i guess, but we need to ask your dad.

okay--i hardly know these people. ive had exactly ONE conversation with them, and this kid just up and walks into my house and is asking to ride in a car with me. riiigght. so we go and ask his dad, and of course he says, sure. so i take him with me....the next day, he does the same thing-just randomly shows up, without telling his dad, to which, i send him back home, and then he comes back over 'to play'. its been like this for the past 2 weeks. EVERY.DAY.

fast forward. to this weekend. i get home from georgia, and am sick as a dog. kelly and i no less pull in from the drs. office after i just find out i am 'quartined', and up comes dennis wanting to play.

d: hi.
m: hey hun. the girls arent here, and im really sick, so your gonna have to go home.
d: but why?
m: bc im sick.
d: oh. well, can i wait?
m: no, they arent coming home for a couple days. what i have is contagious, and i dont want you to get sick. you need to go home. ( i was trying to be so patient, but i was so sick, and tired and irritated.)
d: well when can i come back?
m: in a few days. when you see the kids outside.

later that night, i was letting sampson outside, and he came back. i wanted to pull my hair out. this afternoon, at lunch time, he showed up, as i was about to lay emersyn down for her nap. our cnversation went like this:

m: hey dennis. the girls are just finishing up eating and then emersyn has to take a nap. and jaelynn is grounded. but maybe they can play after that.
d: but what am i supposed to do?
m: i dont know, go home?
d: welllllll.....can i play here?
m: noooo, emersyn is going to take a nap. and jae is grounded.
d:can i play in the playroom?
m: no. youll have to go home.
d: can i watch tv here?
m: nooooo.
d: wellll, buuutt, can i go ride your bike?
m: no, but you can go ride YOUR bike. listen, you are going to have to go home for now, they can probably play later on.

a part of me feels bad, but seriously its EVERY day. and the parents ARE nice, but kell and i were talking about it, and honestly i think they are completely oblivious to it. they have no clue that they need to give us some space....and i dont know how to say BACK THE F*** OFF!!! in a nice way....not to mention, kelly and i are soooo protective of the kids--we cant fathom letting the kids out of our sight, or letting them cross the road by themselves, or into anyone elses house, the way they do dennis....and its not saying they are a 'bad' parent, its just a difference of parenting, i guess. and the fact that dennis is always coming over here without mr. cleaver knowing BLOWS ME AWAY. i just keep thinking, what if i wasnt the overly cautious parent and didnt think to ask-does your dad know your here???? and all the sudden mr. cleaver turn around and dennis isn't there--and then what????

seriously, this is stressing me out. because when its my kids, they know the rules. when we are outside-they know the rules and where they are allowed to go and what they are allowed and not allowed to do. when we are inside, same thing. i dont have to constantly feel like im on edge. but when you have someone who isnt your child, its a whole new ball game....especially when they are a little shit....gah.

mass chaos

im home from georgia. but...i still havent gotten to see my kids. i got really sick when i was down in georgia. fever, sore throat, chest congestion, short of breath, the whole nine. i figured it was just from lack of sleep, the different 'allergens' in the air, ,etc. i went to the dr. straight from the airport. due to the fact that i had all these symptoms and had been traveling among international travelers at an airport, they tested me for the swine flu. i was at the drs. office for over an hour. they did a bunch of blood work, tested me for 3 different types of flus, a chest xray and the list goes on. the swine flu test has to go to the state lab-so it takes a few days before you get the results. until i get the results, i have to be 'quarantined'. which means i cant see or be around anyone. very unnerving, especially since i was around 3 pregnant people this past weekend. i dont remember being this sick in a looonngg time. i have lost my voice, so even talking on the phone is hard, b/c it requires a lot of energy.

it really sucks. i miss my kids sooo much. and kelly. kell came over to pick up some clothes for jae, and i got to look at them thru the window of the car. i felt like i was in jail, looking at them thru the glass partition....hopefully tomorrow they will have the results and they will be negative, so i can see my kids and let my friends know that everything is okay.... :/

for a brief moment in time, my heart stopped beating.

emersyn is sick. really sick. it all started last week. she started acting out of sorts. kinda flu-ey. but she just had the puke flu a few weeks ago, so it would be pretty odd for her to get it again so soon. she kept saying that she was going to throw up, but she wouldnt, she was just nauseated. she started to complain of belly pain. she stopped eating. as she laid on the couch next to me last thursday, i began to wonder if she was getting a UTI. in kids, belly pain is often one of the symptoms. shortly after, she started making a lot of trips to the bathroom, but only peeing just a little bit. no fever. kell and i started to really think that yep, she had a UTI. she started to not drink very much in addition to not eating. she was really lazy, and sickly. we took her to the doctor on friday. they tested her urine, which showed some funky stuff-but not an infection. funky stuff significant with some dehydration. her dr. wanted to check a strep test b/c of the belly pain. lo and behold, it was positive. yay, we thought, antiobiotics will take care of the problem. not sure if you all remember, but emersyn is TERRIFIED of the drs. office/hospitals b/c of when she had to have her extensive workup when she was diagnosed with her kidney reflux. she FREAKS OUT as soon as we pull up to the drs. office. so, it is always extremely high stress and a huge ordeal when we have to go through all this....the dr. assured us that by the 2nd dose of antibiotic we should see a vast improvement--which would be that night. she still wasnt eating, but we werent too concerned. we were more concerned about her drinking and her hyrdrating herself. she stayed with kelly that night and saturday morning, i helped kell's sister and mom run a rummage sale. i was outside all day/morning and she slept until 10:30. she was still really sickly, and cuddly. we couldnt get her to do anything. her breath was really stinky, i checked her heart rate-which was really tachy(fast), and her lips were sooo dry they were peeling and cracked. by 3:30pm, she hadnt gone pee in over 24hrs. she was extremely dehydrated. i called the dr--i already knew they were going to tell us to go to the ER so they could give her IV fluids, but I wanted to call and 'update' them. So, we took her to the ER. suprisingly, she was quite calm and barely cried. i think she was just so sick by this time. i was worried about the IV, but the nurse was awesome and got it in right away. they drew some blood work right away, too. they gave her a bag of fluids. and got another urine sample. we were there for about 3 hours. we were under the assumption that as soon as the fluids were done, we could go home-which was what the nurse said. so the bag was done, emersyn perked up--it was amazing. she was like a new kid. she ate 2 popsicles, and kept saying, 'im all better.' it made my heart melt.

then the dr. walked in with this look on his face. 'the lab just called. emersyn's red blood cells are critically low, so we are going to admit her to children's hospital.'

what?! everything stopped. at this point, i wanted to erase all my knowledge as a nurse. its times like this, that you know too much, b/c the worst possible scenarios were going thru my head. first, since i work(ed) at this hospital, i know that anytime the lab calls the dr w/ a lab result, its critical--which is NOT good. second, he told us her HAH(red blood cells) were 7. normal HAH is 12. this was super, super low. i was freaking out. me, the one who is ALWAYS the calm one. i didnt let it show--b/c kelly needed me to be strong--b/c he had no idea what any of this meant. I knew i was probably overreacting, but this was my daughter, and we were just here to IV fluids, and now suddenly our world may be suddenly crashing down on us. whoa. i thought i was going to vomit.

immediately, we made calls to our families to let them know what was going on. we got to children's, where the staff was AMAZING. the dr. came in and talked to us. i was in somewhat of a daze, trying to put things together, hearing the words, 'leaukemia', and 'severely anemic', and 'too much milk' and 'lead' floating in and out of conversations. they came and drew blood. from what the dr. said, she was fairly confident that emersyn was severly anemic from drinking too much milk. (!!!!) but we wouldnt know for sure until her labs came back and until we saw how she started responding to the iron therapy. If the labs came back and didnt show a 'true iron deficiency', then they would have to look elsewhere-which was where the word leaukemia came in--which was such a scary thought.....but.....her labs came back and she literally had ZERO, i mean ZERO iron in her body. which is good-in the fact that they found the cause of the low HAH, but bad b/c she has no iron. The calcium in milk inhibits iron from binding to the RBC's in our body. i didnt know that.....or if they taught that to me in nursing school, i dont remember that.....i mean, who wouldve thought you could drink too much milk....so as a result, her blood count has dropped. its crazy, b/c i recently had told kelly i was worried about how tired and 'lazy' shed been.....well, that explains it. they said her heart is working a lot harder than normal, so she cant finish soccer out either. they started her on a really high dose of iron--which is the NASTIEST tasting and smelling stuff ever invented. bless her heart. she hates taking medicine period, and now she has to take this horrible stuff. its been grueling, but she is getting better at it-bribery is not always a bad thing....

i know this is a super long post.....but i am telling you, it was really scary for a bit--from the time when the ER doc came in with the HAH results to finding out what the actual cause of the anemia was--heartwrenching. i thought of parents who have terminally or chronically ill kids and my heart just broke. it has to be so hard. emersyn kept saying over and over, 'can i go home now?' and, i tell you what, thank GOD for children's hospitals. i am so glad we live in a city that has one. the nurses and drs. and staff are so wonderful--it was absolutely wonderful. they are amazing.

permanent marker perfume

by the way....

ive been assigned to poster duty for the rummage sale. and am eminating (is that a word?) permanent marker odors. i may even be high from the fumes. its really quite possible.

awol

ive been threatened by many people today. my future husband. my future sister in law. okay. thats only 2. but on several different occasions, does that count? ive been in full effect all day. i blame it on the drugs. its the steroids. they make me craaazzzzy. mad crazy. seriously. ive been bouncing off the walls.

this could be a problem.

deep thoughts.

my mind is in a million different places tonight, so bear with me.....and i have so many things to catch up on......first things first.

my wedding dress came in today!!!!! yay!!!!! i am sooo excited. i cant wait to go see it. and try it on. eek.

i have had a migraine for 6 days. today wasnt so bad. i think im over the hump, but im on steroids now, so i think thats why....i didnt hardly sleep last night though, or for the last 5 days b/c of it. it was a bad one, i was actually scared. its been so long since ive had one and i 'forgot' how to 'cope' with it and i kinda freaked out. but i had so much energy today from the steroids and am probably not going to be able to sleep now--not from the headache, but from the steroids. agh.

jaelynn's hermit crab, poppy, died yesterday. we had a burial for her today in the backyard. she was hysterical. :( it was heartbreaking. she blamed herself for it dying and i felt soo bad. i tried to convince her she died of old age, that she was a grandma crab. it was really sad though, b/c she was just truly hysterical--i mean she never took care of the darn thing, but bless her heart.....i hate seeing my kids hurt. you just want to protect them from it.

did ya'll watch the season premiere of john and kate plus 8????? talk about disheartening.....it sure seems like john has checked out of the marriage. and you know, kate can be a bitch, but no one deserves to be cheated on. and who knows what the REAL story is. who CARES what the real story is. the bottom line is--its the KIDS that are going to suffer. but it is sad to see that john doesnt seem to 'care' or want to try to work things out. people say things like, 'its reality'. no, its not reality. what happened to your wedding vows, you know those things you took when you got married??? to love each other in sickness and health? for better or worse? til DEATH DO US PART????? why do people just walk away from the committment of marriage? it makes me sick. divorce is not a reality. its a cop out. im sure i may offend people with this, but its how i feel. when i get married to kelly--its for life. thats it. its not going to be easy. i know that, kelly knows that--everyone knows that. but we are committed to each other and our family, and we love each other. forever. i sincerely hope that they are able to work things out. *sigh*. okay....sorry, had to get that off my chest.....

i had a job interview last week. it went well. man i hope i get the job. i mean, i really hope i get the job. i mean, i think id sell my body for the job. jjjjjussssst kidding. just seeing if you were paying attention. :) but just thinking about it is giving me an anxiety attack. i dont know how much longer i can handle this not having a job thing.

i leave for georgia in 1 1/2 weeks. i can hardly contain my excitement. gah! seriously, i think i need a sedative.

um yes. i decided to hop on my parents wii fit last night. if i didnt have a body complex before, i certainly do now. my wii fit age is 48! AND pon completing my 'profile', they made my mii chubby!!!! that was based on my current BMI and weight. WTF! okay, so yes, i have stated that i am fluffy, but they actually made my mii chubby!!! i dont need them to confirm what i already know ! geesh! i vowed to go home and starve myself. i need to make my mii skinny. ( the wii-mii and the real me).....

well, wrapping things up, i dont know i got myself into tonight, but im am an itchy mess. its ridiculous. so, im signing off for now. peace out. :)

miss me?

i know, ive been missing. its been quite busy. i promise, ill catch up. but not tonight...on day 5 of a killer migraine. :/


tomorrow. promise.

take a deep breath.

yes. thats what i keep having to tell myself every time i start to think about the wedding and the near future, not having a job and HOW are we going to pay for this???? i think i am near panic attacks every few minutes....sounds so incredibly trivial, i know, but its more deep rooted than just the wedding. thats just the tip of the iceberg....i am constantly running ideas in my mind, plans on how to 'fix' things and the current state of things. every day, i apply for at least ONE job--and have even started to apply for non nursing jobs. i constantly hear, 'God is in control', and 'everything happens for a reason', in fact, everything happens for a reason is MY saying, my motto. but, how i find myself wavering in my faith. Not in God alone, but remembering in that He IS in control, and will take care of me, ultimately. but do i need to lose my sanity before 'ultimately' comes? i find constantly wondering 'what if', as in 'what if i still had my job'. what a different tune id be singing. i know i have learned some of the most valuable lessons about finances and fiscal responsiblity during this trial, and about work and what it means to me. and i know that it is often times in our darkest hours that we learn the most and need to lean on God the most, and thats what He wants us to do. i just feel myself wearing thin. i feel my faith wavering in this situation and getting angry with God, frustrated.

an acquired taste

so, as i was eating my lovely healthy dinner of chicken breast and asparagus the other night, i was thinking about how much i love asparagus. oh--but that definately hasnt always been the case. only, actually until about 2 years ago. it got me thinking of about all *aH!!!( soorry-huge lightning/thunder just scared the CRAP out of me) foods that i have acquired a fond taste of. let me list a few for you...

* mushrooms-still not a fan of raw mushrooms, but i LOVE sauteed, or cooked in any form mushrooms.

*green bean casserole.

*asparagus-so noted.

*broccoli.

*okra-if its breaded of course. true to my southern roots, thank you very much (said in southern accent)

*baked beans.

*potato salad.

*coleslaw

*bell peppers-again, only if they are cooked. not a fan of them if they are raw.


yeah. thats all i can think of right now....kinda sleepy. and now hungry thinking of food.....

some super exciting news--im headed to georgia the first week of june for my 'bachelorette party/bridal shower' that meghan is putting on for me!!! i am SOOOOO excited. (can you tell im excited?) she is flying me there as my gift. what a gem. i cant wait.

running has been going really good. i forget how much i love doing it....and the whole book on audio thing has worked out GREAT. i love it. so, now im off to get some shut-eye. (omg, i havent said that word in ages-shut eye...)

por mi madre.

my mom. she is amazing. at the young ripe age of 52, she was out on the trampoline today with my 2 kids and youngest sister doing '180s' and pikes, and split leaps like no other. (um, i cant do that, can you?) flips you say, no problemo. she is wonder woman. im telling you, this woman can do it all. she works the wii fit daily, can haul ass and lumber like any man, and she also does all those 'motherly' things like make chicken soup when im sick with the flu and rubs my head while im puking on the toilet. she has raised 6 girls, which has definately been no easy feat, and kept her sanity and still looks absolutely beautiful. she has taught me to be me, and some of the most valuable lessons in life. we have not always had an easy road, but she has never left me and has always supported me no matter what. she has taught me what a mother's love IS, and that its never to late to be worth waiting for.....she has shown me the true beauty of life, and has been a role model to me and to young mothers all around. she has taught me to take a stand in what i believe in, and to not back down-no matter what. she has always stuck up for me, but has also called me out when i was wrong--not afraid to confront me on my mistakes, for which have made me a better and stronger person. she has shown me that love endures it all, and that despite the odds; her and my dad were NOT going to be 'just another statistic'......she is a Godly woman, who wants nothing but the best for her family, who always thinks of herself last.


So, on this day, mom, i hope you know how much i love you. How much we all love you. And how much we appreciate you and all you do for us. You have molded each one of us into unique individuals, and although there have been times where you may have wanted to kill us.....i hope we have made you proud. i love you mommy. you are simply the best.

the hats we wear.

i saw something similar to this somewhere, so i kinda stole the idea, but the words are my own, as are the 'hats'.....

1. Emotion hat. This hat is a big part of who i am. you can see it in my face, the expressions i make-especially in my eyes. i have big eyes, and they dont hide much. i cry easy, however, my profession as a nurse has hardened me some.

2. Mom hat. A hat i have obtained proudly. A hat i was unsure about when i first found out at a young age i was going to get, but embraced with full knowledge that it would be a hat that would change my life, and the lives i bring into this world. there are days i want to throw the hat out the window, but i claim temporary insanity. i wear this hat so proudly. the mom hat. wow. what a name.

3. Work hat. Hmm. Well, lets pretend i have a J-O-B right now for all practical purposes....this hat is the whole reason i endured 6 years of college as a single mother....only taking 1 week off of school after each daughter was born. but its more than that. i love my profession. i have compassion for what i do, i love the doctors i work for and with and i love making a difference in the patients lives and the families life. not to mention, it pays the bills.

4. Wife (to be) hat. Ive been searching for this hat for about 90% of my life.....and ive finally found it....and am about to embark on this chapter in SEVEN months with kell. this is an important hat, as it signifies companionship, and growing old together. And being accountable to one another, there for one another forever thru the good, the bad and the ugly....

5. Friend hat. One of my favs. what is life without friends? I hope that i have put my friend hat to good use. I feel as though i am a good friend, certainly, could always be better, but is always on for a good listen and always a shoulder to lean on.

6. Daughter hat. I wish i could say ive worn the daughter hat great. however, im not so sure i have. ive let my parents down so many times and have hurt them a lot of times. but they have always loved me and held me and never let me go. i have tried to be the best i could be--some times i didnt give a very good effort, i admit. but, i love them with all of my being.

7. Clumsy hat. Definately wear this one a lot. My middle name is surely not grace. i look at my legs and am constantly finding a set of new bruises-from god only knows what. i fall down stairs, run into table corners, you name it--i do it.


well, these are just a few.....what hats do YOU wear, whether you like to or not?????

what i learned.

so this morning i tackled the much overdue task of cleaning out my dresser drawers. i couldnt even get some of them closed. yep that bad...so, heres a few things i learned from this daunting task:


1. i may or may not be a tshirt slut. okkaaay, i AM a tshirt slut. no questions asked. HOW i have managed to fit that many tshirts in my drawers up until this point is beyond me. i had to go back THREE different times and get rid of more and more to fit them into my drawers.....some are so old that they are no longer white... i finally parted with my all time favorite--my clemson soccer camp tshirt from my junior year in high school. i almost started to cry.

2. i may or may not also be a warmup/yoga/pajama pant slut. hey-i am all about comfort. im beginning to think i may be nominated for 'what not to wear'....i clean up nice--but when im home, i prefer to be comfortable.

3. one can never have too many tank tops. i love tanks in the summer. i think i only parted with 3. and truthfully, i DO pretty much wear all of them.

4. i am BOUND am determined to fit into my jeans i still have from high school. i still have some HOT pairs(yes-they are STILL in style) they still fit, but trust me you DONT want to see me in them. think: muffin top, and if i bent over, theyd probably split....another words, they fit but currently, you wouldnt catch me dead wearing them. im waiting for my audiobook to finish downloading on my itunes for my run. 'Operation Hot Bride' started officially this week. I ran 2 miles yesterday and worked out after.

5. I really dont need 100 pairs of underwear. seriously. you should have seen some of these gems. enough said.

6. what happens to the other sock????? i swear, every wash load, i am missing at least one pair. does the wash machine eat them????

7. i cant believe how many clothes still have price tags on them. i felt like i was shopping in the comfort of my own home...

8. WHAT was i thinking when i bought that?


next up--shoes. but that will be tomorrow. off for my run. trying something new--listening to books while i run instead of music. i LOVE reading, so maybe this will keep me more 'interested', i sometimes am so focused on getting done with the run, that maybe if i have something i enjoy listening to, ill enjoy doing it more.....and then i have to mow the lawn.

precious babies....

as promised.....arent they lovely. of course im partial. but theres no denying.... :)

my battery was dead for jae's game, so more to come for her game.... but she was all dressed up for a Junie B play at the PAC (performing arts center) in Appleton for a school field trip. Emersyn played in her game, but as soon as she was done she started crying... :) my little shy baby....

a break in.

theres been a break in. at my house. reports of a shortish in stature, mid-20's in age,female, dark brown/blk hair, was seen climbing through my living room window today. sampson the 'attack dog' promptly jumped out the window after the attacker. nothing was reported stolen.


okay. the real story is this.....i went downstairs in the basement to put some laundry in the wash machine. my basement is connected thru my garage-so i have to go out to the garage and then down to the basement. occasionally, my lock to the house gets 'cockeyed'. so imagine my surprise, when i came upstairs, in my pajamas, and housecoat, and lo and behold, i am locked out of my house. thank god, i had my cell....i called kelly, and asked what to do....all my spare keys were IN the house-doing me no good. also, i have a punch code to my garage, the only time i actually LOCK my door to my house in the garage is at night time, so i dont even KNOW where said key is. the front door keys???? no clue. dont EVER use them. i know--its a horrible thing. anywhoo....kelly says he doesnt know how he's going to help, but he'd come over. meanwhile, im standing in my garage, thinking of how im going to get into my house....suddenly, i get this wonderful idea--i had all the windows open!! i had just steamcleaned the carpets the day before with a rugdoctor, so the carpets were still damp. in an effort to get the carpets to dry faster, i opened all the windows. my bay window is about 6 feet wide and 5 feet tall-give or take. its pretty big. its about 4 1/2 feet off the ground. im only 5'3 and extremely, um, clumsy, as stated in previous posts....so, i called kell and told him id just climb in the window, not to worry. all under control. right. so i go get a chair from the garage. the first chair was too short for my stubbys. there was NOO way i was going to make it in without seriously injuring myself or my female parts. im sure my neighbors were getting quite the spectacle of me....so i opted for a bar stool. this proved risky, as it was quite wobbly. as i perched myself on top of this bad boy, sampson realized that i was outside said window....and comes leaping out at me, full force. almost knocking me down. *insert string of curse words*. crisis narrowly averted, i careened into my living room floor. hmm. that sounds like an action movie. it was more like i crashed into my living room floor and not gracefully. banging my knee on the window frame and heel as well. but, i got in. it was a sight to see, i tell ya. geez.

that crisis averted, we had another very near, and much more serious crisis tonight.....the girls have bunk beds in their rooms. and a ceiling fan. can you see where this is leading??? yeah. not good. well, once again, to keep the air circulating, to help with the damp carpets, the ceiling fan was on. jaelynn had run into her room, which was dark (due to it being 'night time'), and the light wasnt on, but the fan was. she went leaping up her bunk bed ladder for something on her bed, not knowing the ceiling fan was on, and her head/hair hit the moving ceiling fan. i was in the living room, and heard a piercing scream-one that immediately had me on my feet running, and kelly. once i got in the room and realized as she was climbing down the bunk bed what had happened, i immediately started running my hands over her head for blood, sure that she had cut her head.....we NEVER have the ceiling fan on when the kids are in their beds, we will run them until they are ready for bed, and then turn them off, but thats it. and if she needs to go on her bed and the fan is on, she knows to turn it off....but jae not knowing that it was on, and me not realizing that she had gone into her room or onto her bed for that matter, had led to this accident. i felt horrible. luckily, there was no blood, and jae was left with a bit of a goose egg on her hard little head, bless her heart, but she was okay. aye.....i still feel horrible.... :(

emersyn has her first soccer game tomorrow. i bought it up tonight to her to which her response was, 'aw, i dont WANT to play soccer.' so, we shall see if we can get her out there. bribery, anyone???? i post some pics if i can get her out there.... :)

changing it up.

so. after emersyn was born, i decided that i was going to start something new in terms of exercise. yoga? hehe. no. i am the least flexible, most clumsy person you will ever meet. i can barely bend down and touch my toes. okay, i cant. once, when i had sciatica, i was at the doctor's office and my physician was trying to teach me some stretches to do to help get rid of it, and couldnt believe how tight my hamstrings were-thats how unflexible and unstretchable i am. in college gym class (yeah, its a requirement here in wisconsin), we had to do yoga--i am sure i was a sight to see. not to mention, i practically fell asleep doing it. not my thing. i can just imagine the looks i got. of course, at that time, the cutest boy ever was in my class. i even skipped swimming that day bc i didnt want cutest boy ever to see me in a suit. anyway--so, yoga was out. pilates?? you know, that oh-so cool exercising thingy the celebrity's 'swear' by? that thing that promises to make you oh so long and lean? and strengthen your core? so i thought id give it a try. i went and bought a few pilate videos. i loved it. and i was soooo sore the days to follow. talk about core building. aint no lie. and it was 'fast' enough paced to keep my heart rate fairly consistent. well, i decided to pull out the ol' pilate videos again. im all about long and lean baby. i figure biking, running and pilates should whip me into shape. plus the running around i do while coaching with the kids will help. but geesh, i forgot what an ab workout it is!!! i did it yesterday and my abs are soooo sore today! not to mention my arms and legs, but in a good way. definately feelilng the burn.

emersyn had soccer today. she was so cute. she was all gun-ho for the first 5 minutes. and then she ran back to the side line with these big alligator tears and said 'can you play with me'. emersyn is our little shy babe. once shes comfortable around you, shes fine, but she is definately a momma and daddy's girl. so i went out there and played along side her, and she was fine. but it was so cute. shes the youngest on her team. after every activity theyd do, shed look at me and say, 'am i done now?' she had fun, but she was ready for it to be over....i know she just needs to get used to it and then she'll be fine. her and jae are so different in that sense. jaelynn was/is always the first one out there and has always been sooo outgoing and emersyn is more reserved and shy. its crazy how personalities are so different with your children....and how in some ways they are so alike and in others they are so different...but thats what makes them-THEM..... :)