take a deep breath.

yes. thats what i keep having to tell myself every time i start to think about the wedding and the near future, not having a job and HOW are we going to pay for this???? i think i am near panic attacks every few minutes....sounds so incredibly trivial, i know, but its more deep rooted than just the wedding. thats just the tip of the iceberg....i am constantly running ideas in my mind, plans on how to 'fix' things and the current state of things. every day, i apply for at least ONE job--and have even started to apply for non nursing jobs. i constantly hear, 'God is in control', and 'everything happens for a reason', in fact, everything happens for a reason is MY saying, my motto. but, how i find myself wavering in my faith. Not in God alone, but remembering in that He IS in control, and will take care of me, ultimately. but do i need to lose my sanity before 'ultimately' comes? i find constantly wondering 'what if', as in 'what if i still had my job'. what a different tune id be singing. i know i have learned some of the most valuable lessons about finances and fiscal responsiblity during this trial, and about work and what it means to me. and i know that it is often times in our darkest hours that we learn the most and need to lean on God the most, and thats what He wants us to do. i just feel myself wearing thin. i feel my faith wavering in this situation and getting angry with God, frustrated.