low.

still sad. but some encouraging words from family are always helpful. really not in the mood to write today--no one needs to hear 'negative nancy' 2 days in a row..... but.....if you havent already, make sure you check out my one-a-days. :)


startsinmynoseoneadays

and then my world came crashing down

down. on top of me. so hard that i cant breathe. i cant see. i cant hear. i look in the mirror and hardly recognize myself anymore. with every failed job interview, i lose a little piece of myself. i had 2 last week. both went well. one that went particular well, and that one is the job that i WANT so bad. not only do i want it so bad, but id be perfect for. seriously. i walked out thinking that i nailed it. but i dont get excited anymore-bc ive been through it so many times. i wear the scarlet letter. scorned.

today i got the dreaded letter. you know, the one that says, 'while we had many candidates for the position,, blah blah....' basically-YOU SUCK AND WE DONT WANT YOU. you arent good enough for us, you were fired-so we wont give you a chance. and ive maintained my composure. but not today. my mom took the kids to the pool so i could get a break. and i broke down. and keep breaking down. i cant stop.

what does God want from me? everyone says to me, 'He wont give you anything you cant handle'. well, i CANT handle this. i CANT. i cant afford groceries. i cant buy jae's school supplies. i have to ask my mom to bring me frickin toilet paper from her house. i have trusted and leaned whole heartedly on God and---im tired. i dont want this anymore. i need to take care of my family, and i cant. i am losing who i am, respect for myself. every interview i go in, i explain the whole story about what happened at my last job-and the interviewers 'commend' me on my 'honesty' and 'integrity'. what BULLSHIT. i just feel so overwhelmed with failure. i have worked sooo hard to get where i am, and im stuck at the bottom again. and i cant get up, its like someones standing on my chest. i dont want this.

10 down.....

so, check this out....im down just about 10 lbs! in about 1 1/2 weeks! yay! super happy about that. and my mom noticed today! that made my day. kell and i went to play tennis on friday night for our 'date night', and had a blast. and he noticed. was super excited about that, too. i actually havent been exercising. just been doing the whole portion control. and trying to eat better, but mostly just eating LESS. not starving myself by any means-just doing the correct portions of things. it takes 21 days to create a habit, once i get this down, then im gonna do the exercise. exercise comes pretty easy to me, because i enjoy doing it, so i decided to do things differently this time. eating is something i LOVE, so i wanted to try to 'fix' this first and then add the exercise. often times i try to do too many things at once, and then fail....like exercise and diet all at once-and then i peter out...my bff meg says the first place she loses weight is her fingers (funny i know), for me its my face-which is what my mom noticed, in my 'lovely' chubby cheeks :) . i have a round face, so its the first place i lose-and gain. but i noticed my fingers, too! my engagement ring has been spinning more. i dont want to be skinny. i like my latin curves. but....i do want to get rid of my muffin top i have recently gotten, and the tummy that i used to never have, tone up the ol' chicken flab on my arms (agh), oh-this list could go on forever, so ill just stop here.....*sigh*

BUT, i am proud of my starting progress! so, onward and upward!

365, one a day

so, im stealing an idea.....from a blog i frequent....kindredly... if you havent checked out her blog-you really must. she is hilarious. i go to her for my daily dose of laughter. it never fails, i always leave laughing.....anyway, she got the idea from another blog....and now im stealing it from her. :) so, without further ado......click here to find out more...



STARTSINMYNOSEONEADAYS

an oven fire...and a trip down memory lane....

so, last week i had a fire in my oven. not just a wee little fire. a big fire. in my oven. i almost peed my pants. had my mom not been over, i probably would have peed my pants, and then called the fire department. see, a few nights earlier, i had made pizza. and it broke. like broke thru the oven rack. and made a bloody mess all over the bottom of the oven. i thought i had most of it picked up/burned off. i was making the kids lunch, and my mom had JUST gotten to my house to pick my kid sister madison up. the house was all smoky, i figured it was just remnants of the leftover pizza from the night before. i went to check on the kids lunch....and WHOOSH-huge fire. (hence, the whole fire needing oxygen deal) i panicked, and suddenly my house was filled with thick, black smoke. nice. i yelled. my mom yelled. the kids yelled. i shut the oven. (i was wishing it away). opened it back up, and it was still there. my mom batted at it with her hands. no luck. so she told me to get the kids outside. (greeeaat.) she whacked it out with the towel and all was well. but it was kinda freaky for about 5 minutes. but in all seriousness, if she hadnt been there, the fire department would have been lined up down my road for what was cited 'an oven fire' in the newspaper in the police blotter.....but....that got me thinking to college.....a particular incident...

i was living in the dorms at georgia state. was my freshman year. our dorm was called 'the village'-and werent really 'dorms', but were more like apartments. i had 3 roommates, and we all had our own rooms, a living room, a kitchen, etc....i think it was 7 stories....anway, we would have random fire drills. most often in the middle of the night. at like 3 am. and if you didnt go out of the building, and they caught you, youd get a fine. after the drills, theyd post a sign on the front of the building saying, 'this was just a drill.' or if it was a real alarm, it would say, 'the fire alarm was set off by room ---, caused by (and whatever reason)'. one night i was making my version of 'fried' chicken-which i tried to do by making a 'less' fattening version by not using as much oil. well, it didnt work so well. i was more or less sauteeing it, but it wasnt exactly working.....the next thing i knew, our kitchen was full of smoke, oil was flying everywhere, and lo and behold---the fire alarm went off. FOR THE WHOLE BUILDING. shit. im yelling for my roommates......and gah. so we hauled booty outside, trying to look innocent. however, no could do. the fire department knew it was my room that set it off. so when it was all over with, there sat the nice big sign on the entrance of the door that said, 'the fire alarm was set off by room 319(i think), by burnt chicken.' all night we had people coming by our room, harrassing us.....and when my other roommate came home from work that night.....and saw the sign....she laughed and said, 'what the hell happend'......one word.....TERA.


*sigh*

unsettled

tonight is shayna's viewing. and being state's away, i cant be there. i dont know. this has hit me harder than i realized. everytime i close my eyes, or lay down (which has been a lot in the last 4 days since ive had a horrible migraine), she springs to my mind. im soooo unsettled about it. why? i feel kind of numb about it. i feel like i need to be there. not just for her, but for some of my other friends, as well. i keep thinking of her daughter now without a mother-at the young tender age of 6. i keep thinking of her husband, who was driving, and what he must be going through. and her parents-cant imagine. and her sister. there are just so many people.....i want to hold her daughter, and love her, and tell her it will be okay. how do you make a 6 year old understand this? when as an adult we sometimes dont even understand it? how do you tell her that mommy is never coming back, or never going to tuck her in, or pick her up from school again. she'll never get to see her on her first date, or her prom, getting married. she was recently married-and was finally happy. newly pregnant. so much to look forward to with her new husband, their first baby together, a life of happiness. growing old together. gone, in an instant. i know God has his 'reasons' and we live in a fallen world, and all that, but its just so unfair sometimes. and it hurts. i dont know when the last time ive been this unsettled over a death of a loved one, and i think its harder b/c im not going to be there to say goodbye-im not getting any 'closure', if that makes any sense...i dont know...and in the past, ive been WITH my close group of friends-to mourn with, and now im up here, and i dont really have anyone to mourn 'with'-bc everyone is down there.....its just been kinda bottled up inside for the last few days, and i cant stop thinking about her. ive been dreaming about her, every thought alone includes her or her family....

please pray that God brings me some peace of mind, and closure.

but most importantly, please pray for shayna's family in this time.

no words.

how do you start a post saying that a friend has died? i dont really know. i found out that someone i went to school with, and played 5 years of soccer with was killed in a car accident today. she was 11 weeks pregnant. she left behind a daughter. her husband was driving and is in the hospital. its been about a year since ive last spoken to her, but we that doesnt make it hurt any less. she wasnt my 'best friend'. we used to say our high school was cursed. and kind of half 'joke' about it-to try and make light of it, bc a thick silence always filled the air.....but it seems true. we have lost over 10 friends-good friends in car wrecks. its so bizarre. weird. not normal. its bought us all super close to one another, but its so painful. we arent supposed to bury our friends. we are supposed to bury our parents--that thought alone is hard enough to think about....but what i mean is the whole 'age' thing....its a 'more' normal thing to bury our parents, as they age and pass due to age related illness, etc....but we are young and resilient, we arent supposed to die....

i will never forget the first soccer practice with shayna. she had just moved to georgia. it was club soccer....she showed up with her super long acrylic nails, bleach blond hair, and her shimmery eyeshadow and big brown eyes. we loved her, and she was hilarious. she always made me laugh...her nails.....how she could play with those thing-i dont know. she always had them done up to the nines. airbrushed with some fancy design and crazy color. ALWAYS. and SOOOOOOOO long. and she ran like SUCH A GIRL. i know, i know, we ARE girls.....but shayna=run like a girl. it was great. i can just picture it now.....her running down the right side of the field as a wing, super long fingernails in the wind, flapping like a girl..... :) man, i will miss that girl. between her, jaquelyn and randy--those 3 were always wreaking some kind of havoc, ALWAYS. leave it to the three muskateers....i remember her being the apple of her daddy's eye. ralph lundy soccer camp with 'lucky', (liam) our trainer wouldnt have been the same without shayna....she was a ray of sunshine. she will be missed.

i keep thinking about her daughter, and it hurts....i think about my daughters....and i pray for her husband, and their whole family. that God would be with them through this dark hour. i simply cannot imagine what they are going through right now, it makes me nauseated.


life is so short guys. please, be safe.


rest in peace, shayna. i will miss you.

things i never tire of hearing....

okay...most are things from my loved ones....but what can i say.....


'i love you to the sky and back'.-emersyn

'do you know how beautiful you are?'-kell

'will you rub my back?'-jaelynn

'leave my woogies alone!'-emersyn (when we try to wipe her nose)

'have you lost weight?' random people-at random times... (and kell today-which inspired this post...)

'you be wall-e and i be eva.'-emersyn

'i love you so, so, so much.' -jaelynn

'good-night, i love you.' -jaelynn

'good-night, i love you.'-emersyn (always right after jae says it)

'good-night, i love you.'-jae (5 minutes later.)

'i love you mommy.' -emersyn

'you wanna see my brain?' -emersyn (okay, the story behind this goes back to when she takes her iron....i always tell her she has to make her brain 'happy', and when she first started taking it, i used to say, let me look at you brain and see what it says....and look in her ear....so now when she takes her medicine--she always says 'you wanna see my brain?')

'good night, i love you.' -jaelynn (her nightly ritual consists of saying this probably 10 times....although, over the last month, she has improved significantly....down to about 2 times..... :)

'will you snuggle me?'-emersyn

'your the bestest mom ever.'-jaelynn

'i love you baby.'-kell

'i want lankies and milkies.'-emersyn (well, now its mostly lankies-her blanket, and applejuicy-since she cant really drink milk anymore...)

'i love you.' -my mom, dad, sisters.....

'miss you, love you, mean it.' -meghan

'whore.' -chrissy (our terms of 'endearment' for each other)

'you have such pretty eyes.' -random people, and kell. (its his favorite physical feature on my body, well-other than my butt :))

'i love your laugh.'-kell

'say boob'.-say-rah d. (just to hear my wis-CON-sin accent)



some of my fave sweet nothings.....there are most def. more, but this could get pretty long.....and yours??

loves

current love affairs:

l.a ink: new season jut started. kats little brother is adorable with a capital A. looks like a season ith some DRAMA as well... right upp my alley.

gossip girl: now if season 3 would just get started, id be a happy chica.

my garden: i have to say, ive become quite the pro gardener. my mom passed on the good gardening genes. :)

summer dresses: comfortable, cute, and cool. what more could you ask for?

miley: jae's new turtle. she is the size of a half dollar and is the cutest the ever. she was found on the side of the road up north.

kelly: called me twice in 5 minutes just to tell me how much he loves me. *sigh*. does it get any better than that?

big falls: (up north) love the peacfulness and beauty of it. and just being 'away'. sooo relaxing. and fun.

golf: summed up in the previous post. :)

sea salt almonds: gah. so yummy.

old navy flip flops. $3.50 for a pair of kids flip flops?? bring it on.

thunderstorms: YES! a lllooonnngg overdue one, rolling in as i type.....

reading: well, this is always a love affair....

babies: eh. yep, the baby bug is still lingering.....




what are your current love affairs????

on notice

its that time.....its been a while since ive done an 'on notice'....so you best hope you arent on my 'bad side'....although it may be a shorter list, considering that its one in the morning..... :)

american girl: why? why must you send me your magazine? i try to beat jaelynn to the mailbox everyday, but of course, the one day she beats me, there sits an american girl magazine. she LOVES american girl. cute, yes, they are. but abhorently OVERPRICED. $110 for a stinking doll?? you.must. die. YOU, american girl, are on notice.

pro x: i love oil of olay face lotion. but the new pro x face lotion has left me a real fine bumpy rash on my face. itchy, too. humpf.

'dennis' (neighbor boy)-after telling him that its time to go home, b/c it was late and the girls were going to get ready for bed, he says 'okay. but can i come in first and have some crackers?' NO. you cant. 'but why?' bc i said. now GO HOME.

anonomous caller- who calls my voicemail and says, 'hey tera its john, call me.' or 'hey tera its patty, call me back'. like i KNOW you-quit calling me. your sales pitch or whatever it is, not gonna work for me.



thats all i got for now. but dont worry....thats just round one....dont get on my bad side, or YOU will be on notice. ;)

im on my way!

to the women's PGA that is. yep, you heard right. im at it again. golfing. im quite certain that at any minute my cell's gonna ring and my life as i know it is going to turn a new leaf. sure, sure, maybe ive only golfed one other time. but i busted out my new clubs my sister's got me for my birthday, and i WAS happenin'! i did so great, kell and i stopped keeping score.


ooooookkkkkkay. so maybe i fudged a little.....but i DO love the game. i MAY be bad, but it WAS only my second time. and really, im not that bad. my swing tends to be like that of a baseball bat, but im working on that. and i may also tend to do a complete 360 degree spin when i swing, too, but i get a little excited. on the plus side, i didnt hit anyone, or hurt myself. and i actually almost parred one of the holes....but kelly and i had a blast. we giggled (well mostly i did, or kelly at me...), and just enjoyed each others company....its been soooooooo long since we have had a 'date night'. like 3 months. crazy, i know.

we've got like 5 months until our wedding--and im (we) are super excited, but at the same time, stressed bc of my job situation....and kell just going back to work after his surgery. so money is so tight right now. we've managed to cut costs on a lot of things, but it still is so stressful....and then trying to keep up with the daily day to day costs, etc....its like every day its something new...

emersyn is just getting over a double ear infection. poor kid. her immune system is still cashed from her iron being so low, she she is more succeptible to illnesses, etc....she gets her levels checked next week, so we will see how she is responding to her treatment/meds. hopefully she is doing well. the change in her energy level has been so incredibly dramatic-its unbelievable. we used to have to literally force her to get her moving, she would just want to lay in bed or on the couch ALL day, especially after a nap. but now she is soo much more active and wanting to play and do things. and shes not nearly as pale! some of that is probably from being outside, too....


oh, gotta go-my cell's ringing. pretty sure its the PGA people. duty calls.... :)