tonight is shayna's viewing. and being state's away, i cant be there. i dont know. this has hit me harder than i realized. everytime i close my eyes, or lay down (which has been a lot in the last 4 days since ive had a horrible migraine), she springs to my mind. im soooo unsettled about it. why? i feel kind of numb about it. i feel like i need to be there. not just for her, but for some of my other friends, as well. i keep thinking of her daughter now without a mother-at the young tender age of 6. i keep thinking of her husband, who was driving, and what he must be going through. and her parents-cant imagine. and her sister. there are just so many people.....i want to hold her daughter, and love her, and tell her it will be okay. how do you make a 6 year old understand this? when as an adult we sometimes dont even understand it? how do you tell her that mommy is never coming back, or never going to tuck her in, or pick her up from school again. she'll never get to see her on her first date, or her prom, getting married. she was recently married-and was finally happy. newly pregnant. so much to look forward to with her new husband, their first baby together, a life of happiness. growing old together. gone, in an instant. i know God has his 'reasons' and we live in a fallen world, and all that, but its just so unfair sometimes. and it hurts. i dont know when the last time ive been this unsettled over a death of a loved one, and i think its harder b/c im not going to be there to say goodbye-im not getting any 'closure', if that makes any sense...i dont know...and in the past, ive been WITH my close group of friends-to mourn with, and now im up here, and i dont really have anyone to mourn 'with'-bc everyone is down there.....its just been kinda bottled up inside for the last few days, and i cant stop thinking about her. ive been dreaming about her, every thought alone includes her or her family....
please pray that God brings me some peace of mind, and closure.
but most importantly, please pray for shayna's family in this time.
7.17.2009
unsettled
Posted by startsinmynose at 12:28 PM
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1 comments:
I love you T and it was a SAD viewing but a GOOD viewing.....Shayna wanted everyone to be there socializing and remanicing! She didn't look like herself and they didn't even give her nails....ugh!!! Her parents were very non-emotional...it was weird and her daughter was just hanging out like it was just a normal day.....so sad....! Her husband was a ZOMBIE......and would you expect anything less....so the whole evening was Odd! We wish you were here too! Love ya!!! Oh...and the crowd wasn't that large....it was a lot of people from my Class and then like Jacquline, Ryan White and his sisters....so the crowd wasn't large which suprised me!
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