and then my world came crashing down

down. on top of me. so hard that i cant breathe. i cant see. i cant hear. i look in the mirror and hardly recognize myself anymore. with every failed job interview, i lose a little piece of myself. i had 2 last week. both went well. one that went particular well, and that one is the job that i WANT so bad. not only do i want it so bad, but id be perfect for. seriously. i walked out thinking that i nailed it. but i dont get excited anymore-bc ive been through it so many times. i wear the scarlet letter. scorned.

today i got the dreaded letter. you know, the one that says, 'while we had many candidates for the position,, blah blah....' basically-YOU SUCK AND WE DONT WANT YOU. you arent good enough for us, you were fired-so we wont give you a chance. and ive maintained my composure. but not today. my mom took the kids to the pool so i could get a break. and i broke down. and keep breaking down. i cant stop.

what does God want from me? everyone says to me, 'He wont give you anything you cant handle'. well, i CANT handle this. i CANT. i cant afford groceries. i cant buy jae's school supplies. i have to ask my mom to bring me frickin toilet paper from her house. i have trusted and leaned whole heartedly on God and---im tired. i dont want this anymore. i need to take care of my family, and i cant. i am losing who i am, respect for myself. every interview i go in, i explain the whole story about what happened at my last job-and the interviewers 'commend' me on my 'honesty' and 'integrity'. what BULLSHIT. i just feel so overwhelmed with failure. i have worked sooo hard to get where i am, and im stuck at the bottom again. and i cant get up, its like someones standing on my chest. i dont want this.