no regrets

i remember the day that i left georgia for good.... jaelynn's dad and i had split up. jae was only 6 months old, i was only 20 years old. my parents and family lived in wisconsin. i was young, naive and had become fiercly dependent on shawn. i called my parents the day before, in tears, thinking my life as i knew it was over.... 'can you come and get me?' my parents, though they supported me, never really approved of my relationship with shawn. he was ten years older than me, had a history of drugs and alcohol and partying and never could really hold a steady job. they dropped everything they were doing, and made the 20 hour drive to north georgia to come take me and my baby home. i was so lost. i had once been known to be a strong, independent girl, but thru my relationship with shawn, i had gotten caught up with drugs, alcohol and become this girl who didnt even know how to stand on her own two feet. as i packed my belongings, tears flowed, how was i going to go on? my little girl wasnt going to have a daddy anymore, my friends, my life-it was all there in georgia. my relationship with my parents was a bit strained due to my relationship with shawn-but they embraced me and held me when they arrived. they helped me pack everything in the truck, and my dad didnt lecture me when he found a bong in the basement.... as we drove out of the georgia mountains, i remember crying hysterically, thankful for being alone in my car, following my parents in their truck, to have my 'last moments' of the place that i called home by myself.

fast forward. to today. i think about that girl on that day, in the year, or two years to follow-and who she was and i am amazed....i miss georgia everyday. the mountains. my best friends ever. the city. the southern food. the southern accents. southern hospitality. but that life. no. id never go back. it took me at least a year, two years before i could stand on my own two feet. i had become so dependent on shawn that i had to re-grow up.... but i did it. with the help of my loved ones, and God, i did it. in fact, i became so independent, that when kelly and i first started dating again, it was very difficult for me to let myself learn to depend again on someone....shawn has not been very involved in jae's life-and thats his choice. he calls about every 6 or 7 montsh (usually on the holidays). i spent the first year and half trying soo hard to get him to be a part of her life, but i learned that i cant make him...he will realize someday that he is missing out on the greatest love ever, his childs. i have always told him that i will NEVER say anything bad to jaelynn about him, regardless of how i feel about him, and i have kept my word. because i want her to be able to make her own decisions about whether she wants to have a relationship with him or not when shes old enough. and when shes 16 and wants nothing to do with him-it will have been HER own decision and i will have done nothing to sway her choice-it will have been all on him. i believe that she will truly see him for what he is (or isnt) some day. its hard to watch-seeing your child have to hurt is the most painful pain one can endure. jaelynn has seen him one time since we left, about a year and a half ago. she spent the day with him, and had a good time. she clings to that memory with all her heart. she has had a hard time with the fact of kelly and i getting married, even though she loves kelly with all her heart. she admits that she blames kelly for shawn not being there. even though its not kelly's fault...kelly treats jae like his own daughter, always has, even before emersyn was born. he calls her his daughter, and is amazing with her. it kills me the way jaelynn hurts, this all recently came to a head-and we have started taking her to a counselor. the counselor tells me that though she knows i want to protect her from shawn hurting her with empty promises-like him telling her he'll come and visit and not, like he has several times, i have to let him let her down so that she will see what kind of person he is. and the best thing i can do when he hurts her is to love her....that is sooo hard. but i never thought of it that way. for so long i have tried to protect her. i have so much hatred toward shawn for hurting her, and because it is affecting jaelynn's relationship with her and kell, and us as a family-but i know it will get better.

the reality of it is, i have no regrets thinking about that day i left. (obviously). i miss my friends soo much-but they are in my heart, and we stay in close touch. i have 2 beautiful girls. they are my sun in my sky and the light of my life. there are days that i would like to quit motherhood, but we all have those days....and of course, i dont really want to quit, take a break, maybe....but it is amazing to think that these two girls are mine, and are a product of me....not to mention this wonderful, amazing, loving fiance that i have. who has weathered the worst storm possible with me (ill have to blog about it some day-you guys will be suprised at our story) and stuck by my side thru thick and thin. my first kiss in the 8th grade, my first true love. he loves me for me, flaws and all and would never try to change me. he loves my family. he loves God. there are no regrets. i am the luckiest girl alive.

all in one hours time....

its no secret that sampson, my stinker of a weiner dog, is constantly up to no good.....so this morning after i took jaelynn to school, emersyn and i sat in the bathroom and played with the hermit crab. sampson was clearly jealous b/c i wouldnt let him in the bathroom, so he decided that he would create all kinds of havoc in the house....

about 45 minutes later, i walked into the kitchen to find a pencil and eraser top chewed to a million plus shreds under the kitchen table. moving along....i went to take my medicine. i keep my drugs in my purse-b/c my purse goes everywhere with me. so im searching everywhere for my seizure medicine...searching, searching. hmmm. thats weird. i just took it last night before i went to bed-so i know it was there last night....i proceeded to empty my purse to no avail. it wasnt there. hmm. i turned around and see sampson with a look of no good on his face....he hides everything under my bed, so i thought, well i have no idea how he would have gotten a hold of it, but i better go look.... first i find a roll of toilet paper-once again, ripped to shreds. lo and behold, my pill bottle-with the COVER OFF and pills all over the floor...who knows if he ate any, but it looked like the majority of them were there....i swear the dog wants to die. seriously. i took him outside to go to the bathroom and he starts eating something....i wandered over to see what he had gotten into....rabbit terds. agh. what possesses him? i mean rabbit poop? he never seizes to amaze me....

im sooo glad to have the day off today and tomorrow. got my housework done today. emersyn has her apron on and has been helping me clean. :) ah, gotta get lunch for the little lady...have a wonderful thanksgiving all. i leave you this picture of the girls scuba diving in my living room :)

turning over a new leaf.

i got a new job. so i failed to mention that i applied for a new job. mostly b/c if i didnt get it-i didnt want to have to blog about it....its an advancement in my nursing career, a supervising position-which is what i want to do. i eventually want to be a manager, and our hospital is opening a new unit. my old boss is the manager and approached me and asked me to apply for it. so i did. my whole thinking was, if i get it i get it, if i dont, i dont. i am happy in PACU, but im ready to take the next step in my career...and i got it. im kinda sad b/c i wont get to work as close with the surgeons anymore or the anesthesiologists, but i have to look at the big picture...and ultimately-this is a huge opportunity for me. so i am excited about what it brings for me. not to mention, a pay raise and better, more consistent hours. and NO MORE ON CALL!!! woot-woot. and leaving a certain superior *ahem* who i cannot stand....its time.....

tomorrow we are going bridesmaid dress shopping. im excited. for the shopping and mostly just to have my sisters all together, minus a couple and my besties. i love my family sooo much and we always have the best time together. yay for thanksgiving and yummy food as well.

pray for all our troops overseas and away from home during this holiday. we are so fortunate for all the hard work they are doing to keep our country safe and protected. and pray for the general safety of all those traveling during the holiday weekend....

not sure if ill get a chance to post before thanksgiving or not, so without further ado, happy thanksgiving-we have sooo much to be thankful for, even in these 'tough' times.....its easy to forget and take things for granted. i do it, too....simple things like our families and loved ones.....are a blessing, every day.....

we have lift off....

well friends, we have a church! yay!!!! it is a renovated barn-but it is sooo cute. typically, i hate the word cute, it goes back to my high school days of always being labeled 'cute', never 'hot' or 'pretty' or 'sexy', but 'cute'. it made me feel so like a 'aww-shes not pretty, but shes not ugly, shes just 'cute'.....agh. anyway... but this church is very cute. its very intimate-like not too big, not too small, has big beams and a rustic feel to it. i loved it. and so did kell. not to mention-we really dont have a choice at this point, but im glad i liked it....

it was opening weekend this weekend. you know, 'widows weekend'. dont know what that is? here up in the north, that is opening weekend of gun season for deer hunters. all the men leave their wives/women and go to their huntin' shacks, get drunk, and sit in a deer stand all day and watch for deer. woo-hoo. i never really understood that whole hunting concept. i would get waaayyyy too bored. and cold. not to mention the fact that id probably shoot my foot off or other important body part....

i was on call this weekend. was thinking it was going to be a total money making weekend, it being opening weekend and all-crazy people falling out of deer stands (this happens ALL THE TIME)-so i was all pumped up for the money. well. that definately didnt happen. dead. completely dead. didnt get called in at.all. saturday. which is like a first in PACU history. of course, they wait to call us in until the middle of the night. grand.

we got our first snowfall. what was supposed to be 'some flurries' ended up being about 3 inches. its pretty, but waaaayyy overrated. emersyn was sooo excited. i had to work in the middle of the night (again), so i already knew about the snow-but she proceeded to come and try to drag me out of bed this morning-saying 'come see, come see, im so excited. theres SNOW.' so excited that as soon as we went outside this morning, she immediately, in her regular shoes and clothes, plowed into a big snow pile.....aye. kids......

wedding class 101

i think it should be required that husbands to be should have to take a 'wedding 101' class or something of the likes... kelly has been wonderful. he really has. however.....(wait for it)....there are just some things he doesnt get. like party favors. or how costly flowers are. or that NO, we cant make our own wedding cake. (serioulsy he said this) or needing to buy your attendants gifts, etc., etc....please understand- i am NOT complaining-i am venting. (is there a difference?)

i have to say though, he has been very involved, which is quite surprising. he came with me and picked out our invitations. and helped pick out the cake. he has learned A LOT so far-and cannot believe how expensive weddings are. (i warned him....)

today we go look at our potential church. oh-i didnt mention that i found a church!!! woot-woot! after contacting over 60 (NO JOKE) churches between appleton and oshkosh (a 30mile radius)-only ONE came back and said they would let us rent it using my pastor. such craziness. hogwosh. its actually an old renovated barn that they turned into a church. it may be interesting. but the pictures looked quite beautiful. at this point-any CHURCH will do. so long as its a church. i just really dont want to have to have it at the reception site. :/ i will let you know how it goes.

i have some exciting news to post in the next month or so-but i will keep you in suspense until then. :)

never ending bridal parties and pigs for dogs...

over another week has gone by since my last post...life seems pretty crazy of late. first things first.

im normal. wait.....okay, maybe im not normal, but my tests look good. yay! the dr. thinks i just passed out. and if it keeps happening, they will look into it further. works for me. enough about that. agh. so sick of drs. and my health...

jaelynn had to get glasses. poor kid! she looks adorable though. she looks even more intelligent than she did before.... she is loving them, so far anyway. i remember i was sooo excited when i got glasses when i was young-however that lasted like, um 5 minutes...

it snowed today. and then got really icy. and FREEZING. can someone please tell me why i decided to get married in december? in the freezing state of wisconsin??? still havent figured out what possessed myself to have a wedding in the middle of december in below zero temperatures....ill let you know if i figure that one out...

kell and i went to the packer vs bears game yesterday. had a BLAST!!! even more fun since the packers won. the packer-bear rivalry is like georgia-tennessee rivarlry or georgia-florida rivalry. (or insert your biggest college or high school rival here) plus, they had to win if they wanted a chance at the playoffs. we had great seats-12th row.

so i now have officially 10 (!) bridesmaids. i had thought about asking kelly's 3 sisters to be in the wedding, but didnt know....and then kelly and i talked about it and he really, really wanted me to. and well, i had thought about it before we talked about it and did want to. they do a lot for kell and i, so its important for them to be a part of our day, too. so thats exciting. they were surprised and excited, so that made kelly and i happy.

next week is thanksgiving and my sister steph and her familia are coming from kentucky-so im excited since i havent seen them since leah's wedding. yay! i miss her....and then we will all get to go bridesmaid shopping, too, so i am looking forward to that. only one year away-its so far, but i know its going to fly by.....im excited.

my sister leah bought her new puppy, piggy over this weekend. hes a boston terrier-and is precious. hes only 9 weeks old and is sooo cute. emersyn thought he was a real pig for the first 45 minutes.....it was cute. when we finally explained to her that he was acutally a dog, she kinda looked at us like, 'are you sure'? :)

phew.

i just spent an hour reading all my fav blogs-catching up....i havent been on blogger in over a week, so i am so out of the loop. im in such a funk :/ but reading and cactching up was what i needed.

tuesday morning, around 4am sampson got up to go pee. so i got up, put my house coat on and trudged along to take him outside. he takes forever to go pee....what was weird was i felt suprisingly 'awake'. anyway, i was standing there for about 5 minutes when i had this really weird sensation come over me. i didnt feel light headed or anything, i just felt weird. like my head had goose bumps. its hard to describe. the next thing i remember, i was on the ground and sampson was jumping all over me, trying to 'rouse' me. i was somewhat disoriented, trying to figure out what happend, so i got up and walked in the house. i felt nauseated and proceeded to throw up and went and got back in bed. i laid there for about 5 minutes, trying to figure out what happened, did i pass out? did i have a seizure? so i called my mom and told her what happened. i started to get a really bad migraine. so i went back to bed and around 8am, i called the doctor to make an appointment. they told me i needed to go the ER. so-i did. i spent 8 hrs in the emergency room and after a long day of tests, they still didnt know what happend-syncope vs seizure. so they set me up to have an EEG the next day. i felt like crap and wanted nothing more than to get in my bed, but for an EEG-you have to be very sleep deprived (less than 4 hours of sleep and no caffeine for 24 hrs). so i stayed up the majority of the night and went and had my EEG wednesday morning. I havent gotten any results back yet-and until i do, i cant drive. aaaaaghhh. my MRI of my head was abnormal-no MS, but some kind of congenital defect. so whether or not that affects anything, i dont know, i havent actaully seen my dr. since before the MRI. so now i have to start seeing my neurologist again, which is probably a good thing since ive been getting migraines like once a week again and have this missing artery in my brain-but im sooo sick of not feeling 'good'.....i hate going to the doctors. and due to all my stress, ive been getting cold sores EVERY 2 WEEKS. LITERALLY-the doctor even put me on a daily dose of valtrex to help me from getting them.....enough about that though... just keep me in your prayers...

its getting cold. i think the fall/summer weather has left us for good. today we had a mix of sleet/snow mix at times. yuk. and i hate day light savings! its 4:30 and its already half dark out! something to be excited about-one year, one month and 3 days until our wedding. not that im counting :)today is my parents wedding anniversary. they have been married forever. i think 33 yrs?? crazy.i think i have baby fever. originally, kelly and i were going to wait like 5 or 6 years after we got married before having another baby-but i find myself wanting to try pretty soon after we get married for a baby. i dont want the kids to have too much of an age gap...plus, we were going to wait to have a baby until we bought a bigger house, but we decided that we are going to put an addition onto my house and just live here for a while and get out of debt. kelly is going to go back to school, i am so excited for him. he makes more money than i do, but he just isnt happy and his job is so physically harsh on his body that by 50 he'll have to retire-even being in as good shape he is in. they say that most masons die within 7 years of retiring-thats crazy. and the retiring age is much younger than the average job....he doesnt know exactly what he wants to do yet, but hes thinking criminal justice, teaching, nursing or a paramedic. i could really see him being an elementary teacher, but he doesnt know if he wants to go to school for 4 years....the other degrees he can do in 2 years, but teaching he has to go for 4. i just want him to be happy. we have grown so much in the last 6 months, its crazy. it makes me even more excited for where we are going in our relationship. i am sooo lucky. God has truly blessed me and my girls. he brings me so much joy, but also provides me with such strength. i cant wait to grow old with him.

well, i think thats all for now. hopefully ill get my test results back soon and be able to drive. such a simple luxury taken away-its driving me CRAZY!!!!!! especially since the weather is crappy out so we cant really do anything outside....anyway, God's in control, i trust He will take care of me and get me thru this...