this year has been amazing....simply amazing. it has been one of the most profound years to date for me.

i got a new job, which i love. i have learned so much and have developed some amazing relationships with co workers. i have earned a new respect for the physicians i work with and see them more for WHO they TRULY are-and that they are a lot more like me than i ever realized-human....i bought my first house, which has been one of my proudest moments. i have struggled to get to where i am- and buying a house and making it my own has been very fufillilng to me. i got a dog-sampson. that was kinda a random thing, but i needed something to 'complete' my family. i had my house and my kids-why not a dog....i love him, even though some days i want to hurt him ( we are still working on the whole potty training deal). i joined a phenomonal small group. i LOVE this group so much. they have challenged me and my walk with Christ. They have loved me for ME from day one. they have taught me to love myself more-which is something i am doing a little of each day. the support they have given me has really carried me thru-and i just smile thinking about them....one of the greatest things that has happend to me this year is kelly. i know, im sappy....but i cant leave him out of this. he has completed me. i now feel like i am just beginning my life....i mean, my kids have given me sooo much and more, and God and my family has as well-but i was just missing something....him. i am so utterly in love with the boy, i get goose bumps just thinking about it. yes-this is the girl who one year ago swore off marriage and more babies....yes this is the girl who thought love between man and woman was 'soo over rated'....yep, thats me. i find myself looking forward to the days when kelly and i wake up next to eachother and i want to be able to have one more baby-and be excited. i was excited with my other kids, but you all know the circumstances surrounding it made it 'less' exciting-if that makes sense. i want him to put his hand on my belly, and feel our baby move. i want to grow old with him. i want to go thru the good, the bad and the ugly with him-because i know its not always going to be good. i want to be able to look back on our life and all we went thru and say-we did it. we never gave up on eachother. even when the going got tough-and boy it has-we hung on. he has made me and is making me a better person every day. i cannot wait until forever with him.

i have watched my babies thru another year. it goes by so fast...i have watched emersyn go from crawling to walking to running. i have watched jaelynn truly transistion from 'toddler' to child. her understanding of life is so different than one year ago.i have wathced jaelynn and emersyn grow as sisters. i love it. jaelynn becoming the 'big sister' and the protector. emersyn looking to jae more as a role model. its amazing how at this young of an age-children adhere to that figure.

i have watchd myself become less selfish. i have felt myself become less independent-and allowed myself to depend on kelly a little bit. i have learned about 'fiscal resonsibility'-aka having a mortage...i have become more patient.

i dont know what it is about new years and having resolutions-but of course i have them....dont we all? i vow to be a better mom....im so far from perfect-i wish i could do it all....abviously i cant, but i do want to do better....and this wouldnt be a new years resolution without sojmething about diet and exercise....*sigh*....i plan on doing my first half marathon this spring...leading up to a full eventually....i will love harder. i will laugh more...i will return to Haiti for another trip. i will trust God more and wholely. i will appreicate kelly more, as well as my family. i will love like ive never loved before....happy new year.

wet feet

what luck i have....seriously. take a seat....this is a good one.

so, this morning i awoke to the whistling of the wind-and 'near blizzard' conditions. when we say the word 'blizzard' here in wisconsin-we mean it. we arent just talking some little snowfall. this is a big deal-even for us snow bunnies. jaelynn spent the night at grandma and grandpa's last night. had no caffeine in my household, so i decided to venture on out to starbucks for my fix. got as far as the end of the road and thought-this is pretty bad, i cant see! so i called my dad, asked if they were gonna go to church. he said he didnt think so-it was just too nasty out. so i said id just come get jae, since i was already out and about. okay. dressed in pajama pants, and kelly's sweatshirt that i stole. no socks and my crocs. while in line at starbucks-my windshield wipers decide to freeze-so they are essentially useless. i get out and try to get the ice off them-without much success. crap. this is splendid. i get back in to my car and what do you know-sampson is licking the whip cream off my frappacino. little bastard. the whip cream is the best part. sigh. okay. over it. so i am moseying along...and suddenly i hear this 'thunk-de-thump' sound. hm. surely not. oh no. surely not.....SURELY NOT. i let go of the wheel and my car jerks hard to the left.....you are kidding me. i pull over to the side of the road, put the hood up on my sweatshirt and open the door. only to have the wind slam it back shut. lets try this again. open and get out. back tire-in tact. front tire-definately not. amazing. simply amazing. i have a flat tire in the middle of a blizzard. with no socks on. i drive myself oh so slowly to a gas station and call kelly. he always comes to my rescue-so why not now? what?! he yells. youve got to be kidding, along with a few choice words. and then tells me im on my own. baabbbbyyyy, i whine.... :) he starts to laugh....and says this shit only happens to you.....i know. it really does. i am a magnet for disaster. so he says its gonna be at LEAST a half hour. omg. your kidding. sure, no problem, ill just sit in this blizzard with no socks on and wet feet. he tells me to go in the gas station. um no thanks. the guy behind the counter looks like the dude on 'americas most wanted', kinda shady character. ill tough it out in the car with cold feet. thankfully, his mom went to his house and sat with emersyn and baby came all dressed up in his carharts and camo...and changed my tire. so now what...i need a new tire. but everything is closed. its sunday...walmart doesnt sell used tires....fabulous. tis the season to be broke. kell drops me and the kiddos off at home and he takes the lowrider out to get it fixed. calls and says they can patch it. yay! 15 dollars, no biggie. ten minutes later, he calls-not good. they cant patch it. ugh. i need new tires, so sure, why not lets spend $400 on new tires. 2 hours later-my car is home with new tires. thank you kelly. so now, i am supposed to travel out to shiocton to visit mi familia. now, this is normally about a 30 min. drive out in the country. think deer and drunk drivers. yeah. so excited. jae and i pack it up-kelly couldnt be convinced to come along with emersyn, but after all my complaining, i cant say that i blame him. i mean, i wanted to see my family, but the weather is horrible out....plus my dad gave me a guilt trip about not ever seeing my grandmother, and blah blah blah....so i have to go now. as i am walking out the door-he calls. 'you dont have to come....' but NO, now im leaving and ready to go. i had to pay $400 to ensure that i could make this trip-im going. but NOW he says leah and ali arent going. and gives me his sad voice, like hes disappointed.....im going dad....dont worry...... (GRRRRRR) so, call leah. yell and crab at her. she says shes not going. calls back 5 min. later (my guilt trip mustve worked) and tells me to pick her up. it took forever to get out there. the roads sucked and it was soooo windy. but-it was worth it. i always have fun with my little mexican familia. :) fun times. you remember those moon boots we used to wear like-waaayyyy back in elementary school? they had velcro at the top? the boys kind were black??? my little uncle joel had them on. it was hilarious!!! hes shorter than me-and weighs all of but 110 lbs. you kinda had to be there-but it was great. that just made it worth it. ride home was fairly uneventful. and in this case, uneventful is good. and now im curled up, safe and sound. with dry feet and socks on. merry christmas.

tis the season??

christmas is 3 days away....and believe it or not, i am ready. got presents all wrapped and under the tree. yes, santa and i -we go way back. he stopped at our house early...no coal for the kids, he said. i asked if he watched closely, bc if it was up to me..... (just kidding) i love this time of year-except the craziness of it. but i love the smells of cookies baking, the laughter of all my loved ones, the sheer joy of my girls faces opening gifts. i love to see all my family-my sisters coming in town....but so often we forget the real meaning. and its easy to-when we live in a 'worldly world' and not a 'godly world'. the other night on the news, they were having to vote, an actual vote, on whether or not they could have a nativity scene out at city hall. because some dumbas* was putting up a fuss about the christmas story and the nativity scene. seriously? what is this world coming to? a vote over the scene of mary and joseph holding the baby Jesus??? it really irritated me. just for the record, they voted that it can stay outside of city hall.

seems my child is becoming more internet savvy than myself! (and i am fairly proficient) which is why i now will monitor her every move on the computer....so i am sure you have all heard of the webkinz craze....so jae has 3 webkinz and counting....she knows how to do basic navigation of the computer-she turns it on, goes to the internet and goes straight to the bookmarked webkinz page.....so then last night, i was on the couch, and she was playing webkinz (or so i thought) in the kitchen at the table. she says you gotta come check this out! this is so neat. so i go look--and she is on some webpage that you play 'fashion designer'. you get to dress the girls up, choose their hairstyle,etc. im like-how did you get to this webpage, and why didn't you ask???? she informs me that she went to google and did a search....what?!? since when does she know how to do this??? i obviously do not give her enough credit....i gently informed her that from now on, she is only allowed to go to the webkinz page unless she asks mom to get her to the tbs kids pg, etc. she was upset-and i explained to her that there are some 'not so nice pages' out there and what if she accidentally went to one of those pages.....freaked me out a bit...what else does she know????

dont really feel like getting out of bed today....its dreary outside. its currently raining out. all the snow is melting. supposed to turn into snow later. that will make for some messy weather i am sure. having christmas at my uncles today. should be fun. but really dont want to get out of bed at the moment to take my butt to the shower. ever have those days? you just want to sleep all day. to not shower? or worry about makeup or fixing your hair? yeah, today is that day for me. emersyn's with kell this weekend, and jaes in her room having timeout right now. dont ask....seems like a good time to take a small nap....

but before i do that....let me just say that i hope you have a merry christmas and a happy new year. take a minute-or two, to thank God for sending His son, Jesus. enjoy the time with your families and laugh. try not to drink too many eggnogs (ew) or christmas spirits, you certainly dont want to be the butt of this years christmas 'stories'......

chaos=my life

sigh....the day is over....happy monday, huh. let me tell you-who knew i had a bladder the size of lake winnegago....i hate those days that its soo busy you dont get to pee-literally. surely-you are thinking-you can take 4 minutes out of your day to pee! surely-i assure you-there are days when it doesnt happen. so obviously-if i dont have time to pee in a day-then i really dont have to eat anything....yeah, that sucks you are thinking. at the end of my shift-i have to pee so bad it hurts-literally, and im so hungry i could eat anything. its amazing how good stale rice cakes taste in a pinch. agh. sure, i like busy days-but not soo busy that your bladder expands to 10X's its normal size..... and of course-im on call tonight, which means more than likely-ill get called in...thats my luck. and if THAT doesnt top it off-they asked me to come in at 5:30a.m. on tuesday. agh. i should have said no, but im just too nice. let me tell you-i am so excited.

quick recap of the weekend.....im gonna go backwards

sunday: went to church, jaelynn had her church xmas concert. shes so lovely! was precious as always. love watching the little kids-like 4-5yr olds do embarassing things or yell out to their parents. the innocence-it is so humbling. went home after church-took a nap/half watched packer game. in the evening, kell came over and took jae to air it up with just the two of them. so-emersyn and i decided to run to the mall. i had to return a few items, and needed to get out of the house. so me and emersyn packed up-well, at the last moment, i decided to bring sampson bc i knew it was going to be quick and sam likes car rides. so i go in and do my thing. we get back out to the car and i put emersyn in her carseat-put keys in front seat. close doors. put stroller in trunk. freezing my butt off. its like 10 degrees-plus whatever the wind chill is..... go to get in my car- and lo and behold....my doors are locked....with my child in it. the car is NOT on, i have NO coat on-just a hoodie. crap. i have a moment of panic...how did this happen??? thinking to myself-i KNOW i didnt lock the doors....my keys are sitting on my seat....wtf? thank goodness-had my phone in my pocket....called kelly....he yells at me in his panic bc he thinks his daughter is going to die of hypothermia-even though she is at least IN the car, with her winter coat on, blanket wrapped on her AND hood up. dont worry about me-freezing OUTSIDE the car-with NO coat on. (seriously-i wasnt thinking about myself-but the same thing he was-i just had to complain ). so in the process of our conversation-my car alarm starts to go off. what the heck is going on??? emersyn is giggling thru the window-so oblivious to whats going on....sampson is running all over the place in the car---WAIT-sampson!!!! that little terd!!! HE stepped on my lock button and then the alarm button!!!! totally underestimated the little runt....so anyway- i call the cops....they come.....kelly comes.....and my baby girl is SAFE and hypothermia free. I, on the other hand, had sligtly frostbitten fingers from being outside for a half hour w/o no coat. what
did i learn? two things-coat. never forget it. and keys. in my pocket.....

saturday-sposed to go to a work party-but sat. comes-and im just really not in the mood. i am in the mood however, to paint. my kitchen cabinets have been half painted since i moved in. so i made a deal with kelly-you help me paint, we stay home from party...deal. 4 1/2 hours later.....love you kelly-but you are the SLOWEST painter in the world. i kept thinking-why is this taking so long??? finally-when i paid attention- i realized i was painting 2 1/2 doors to his ONE!!! so i poked at him to pick it up a bit....he did. now, this is no easy task. my 100 yr old cabinets were that antique orange color-think the UGLIEST shade of orange you can imagine....painting them white.....and like a million coats of paint....it took forever.....plus, i drank like 3 red bulls, and it gave me the toots. bad. stinky. ( for those who know me-i know you are laughing) kelly wanted to kill me. (its kinda funny) kells dad stopped by-always fun to see him. he is hilarious. i love his hair-its longer than mine, and so thick. had a few drinks by myself.....went to bed. ohhhhhhhhhh-i cant forget this!!!! so-jae gave kelly a kiss goodbye-and when he left, she crawled up in my lap and said, 'mommy, i would be happy if you and kelly got married'. *sigh* -priceless moment.....jae loves kelly, but has been jeolous of our time-so this was HUGE!!!! i started to cry....she is so sweet. it made my night....

was mad at kell sund. morning bc jae had her church program and i was gonna pick him up and take him.....tells me to call him in the AM....i do....no answer (now-you all know how i HATE when people dont answer the phone...) go to pick him up and hm. his car isnt home.... ??? whatever. went to church. mad. very mad at him. i was thinking he was sleeping at his sisters.....of course, i was right.....so mad. spent all day being mad at him yesterday. he knew that.....apologized. told him not to apologize to me-but to jae....you know-wasnt even so much mad-just disappointed.....he showed up after packer game-just showed up. still mad at him. dont talk to him. asks if he can take jae for a while.....hence-this is when he took her to air it up....still mad when i went to bed-but i could feel myself letting it go....amazing. this morning, not mad anymore. this is how i know this is it for me.....when you go thru ugly stuff-big and small-and sure, you get mad. and sure you want to hurt them....and sure you dont like them, but you dont stop loving them......night.

agh

my dear jaelynn was an angel this morning....she got all ready for school-dressed, hair fixed and all without fussing once!however she began stressing about sleeping at aunt casie and uncle charlie's tomorrow-that she HAD to be packed before we left for school for this event tomorrow night. even though i kept trying to tell her that we could do this later, or even tomorrow-she began to cry, yes cry-bc she didn't think we were gonna have enough time. *sigh* rather than argue-i helped her pack her bag....what a hunny.

what is it about 'that time of the month' that just makes you hate the world? so i call the pharmacy this morning on my way to work to refill a prescription and the pharmacists asks me when id like it filled. i respond with-well, whenever its ready-im out of it....she then says, well- today, tommorow....ummmmmm-hello. 'whenever its ready, im out of it' to me means AS SOON AS ITS READY. whatever.

i call kelly to let him know i am gonna stop by for a minute to see emersyn. call his cell-no answer. take a deep breath (bc i know hes home-hes just not answering the phone). call the house. yell on the answering machine for him to pick up the phone.....(he doesnt)grr. wait 5 min....call again.....nope. whatever. now im pissed. (i know this is dumb-im WAY overreacting-but this is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves. ask anyone who knows me well.) so i just head over there-i know hes home....i know as soon as i see emersyn, all will be well in the world. she melts my heart. i walk in and shes jumpin around and has the biggest smile on her face. time stops-very briefly, however bc kelly tries to attack me with a peanut butter kiss. ew. i HATE the smell/taste of peanut butter. it makes me gag. he proceeds to poke at me and pick on me-knowingly irritating the crap out of me bc he knows i am irritable....but i love him soooo. and i sit down and emersyn comes and climbs on my lap with her little hippo figurine-she has a fetish for small figurines, she takes them everywhere. she also has a fetish with baby wipes, she likes the smell and feel. she even sleeps with them-if i let her. (its just not worth the fight...) and i feel my irritation drain from my body....life IS good.it really is. my babies are healthy, i have an amazing boyfriend-who takes good care of me and my babies, my family is fabulous. even as i re-read this, i think of how ridiculous i sound (very whiny, huh) and realize how good i got it. i am so lucky. :) and yes....i apologized to kell for being so cranky.....

its that time of year in the operating room-the surgeons all buy lunch for xmas and today i got olive garden for lunch. THAT is the icing on the cake....

it never ends....

the chaos of motherhood that is......so i go pick up jae-excited to see her (i always am) but from the moment she steps in the car-its 'i want, i want, i want'. we get home and she immediately starts to terrorize the dog-so now shes yelling-and the dog is barking... agh. my phone rings-its meg. how can you stand the noise and craziness she asks.....good damn question. i dont know...i DO know i am teetering on the verge on insanity. i do know id like to come home ONE night where it isnt constant LOUDNESS and craziness.....but-this is my life-and i find that i get crazy bored when the girls aren't around-at school or at grandma's.its a no win situation... then-jae comes and sits next to me on the couch-well, practically on top of me-and as nicely as i can say (and i was thinking outloud) i tell her she stinks. -note to self-dont do that again....immediately she acts like a teen going thru pms-and starts to cry. she says im mean. and how would i like it if she said that to me... i try to explain that i didnt mean it to be mean-but she needs to take a bath-like now. i cant win.....she then proceeds to tell me that if i say she stinks, well than so do i. :) so maybe i was insensitive, but like i said-i kinda spoke without thinking...and i didnt mean to hurt her feelings.....so-she has this christmas chain-remember those-the ones where you take a chain off everyday leading up to the day of christmas....well-she told me she wasnt going to do it-so there are still like 25 days left on the chain. today she proceeds to take like 5 off at once and says we need to do 'all these things'. agh. have i told you that i love being a mom? no, really i do. i really do. thats it.....funny note to close on-kelly calls and im kinda irritable....he asks if im crabby and i say yeah kinda, im pms-ing...he sayd oh boy-i think im gonna avoid you for a while.... :P being a women is great.