hil-ar-i-ous

laughter for the soul. God must've known i needed this tonight....


in the words of my 2 year old..... " oops, 'scuse me momma, i tooted". totally random and out of nowhere. clear as day. then she started giggling. then jae and i started giggling.

*sigh*

can i just say.... i so love my boyfriend.


i know....sappy and slimey, but i cant help it. we finally went out on a lonnnnggg overdue date.....despite the fact that he is very sick :(. and we had sooo much fun. we just really needed it. we really didnt even do anything-we actually drove around for like a half hour and decided to get a small bite and drinks....we giggled. lots. and i asked my favorite questions....(which i ask on every date bc i love to hear his answers :))

where was our first date: he says: michael's supper club-homecoming freshman year-1996

what do you love about me most-physically: he says: first he says-everything (cop out) and i tell him-nooo you cant do that....so then he says your big doe eyes. and....your booty. :) ( i knew thats what he'd say)

what do you love about me most -not physically: he says: my compassion for people and my laugh

whats my worst habit: he says:biting my nails and smacking my gum

what is 'our song': he says: 'wonderful tonight'-which was our homecoming song in 1996, too.

how many kids do we want to have: he says: one more. (kelly wants more-but i only want one more)

who said i love you first: toss up-that was a longggg time ago

when was the first time you ever saw me and what did you think: he says: when i was in 8th grade and my mom dropped me off at his house to see his sister and he was outside playing basketball. he thought i was cute.

anyway, i am so lucky...i really am.

oh yes, i got a new fridge today. i am so excited. i know-it sounds silly. but my old fridge- my sooooo small. think like less than five feet tall-seriously. so excited. i love it. yay. kelly gave it to me. :)

emersyn is still sick. still has a fever. her test is on tuesday. they wil admit her to children's hospital and do the test under anesthesia. i talked to my 'favorite anesthesiologist' and asked if he'd do the case and he said he would, so that makes me feel better.....shes still pretty miserable, but she went and hung out with my mom tonight. that put her in a great mood. my mom always makes it better :). poor jae. shes such a trooper. i feel bad bc with emersyn having been so sick this past 2 weeks, i havent been able to give her as much attention-and she has been sooo understanding....shes such a honey.

its amazing what a little break can do for you....i feel great....

laughing at myself.

ha....

had to laugh at myself.....

drained like a california raisin? i didnt know raisin's could be drained. well, its been a long coulple days-ive been excused.... :)

drained like a california raisin

sucked dry.

like a dried up noodle.
like a raisin left in the sun.
like a flower once its dead.
like a gas tank on empty.
like a flower sans nectar.
like an orange without its juice.
like eyes without life.
like a plant with no water.
like an ocean devoid of water.
like a mom with no rest......

agh. emersyn is really sick again. yesterday, as i was holding her down during the renal ultrasound, i was thinking, 'i cannot imagine what it is like to have to do this day in and day out.' i am sooo thankful that-for the most part-my kids are healthy. my sister stephanie has a good friend whose daughter has spina bifida. she is a precious little child, but quite ill. they often are making the 4 hour trips to indianapolis to see the specialists and it is a daily routine to straight cath her or feed her thru her feeding tube. i am so lucky. i was exhausted last night. emotionally. still am. i feel like i cant do this. i am sooo overwhelmed right now with being a mom to a sick child-especially when they dont know whats wrong and she isnt old enough to verbalize what hurts. and the stress this has put on kelly and i.....is unbelievable. strong-is the marriage that steph's friend and her husband have. i envy them and the strength they find in each other bc it is sooo easy to take frustrations and lack of sleep, etc out on each other instead of taking hold of each other in times of need. i am reading 'beautiful boy' by david scheff right now. its about a fathers journey-and their families journey with his son's addiction to meth and his recovery from meth. it is heartbreaking. but wow-what an incredible marriage he and his second wife have to have stayed together thru all of what they went thru. honestly. i am awakened-rudely-about the 'facts of life' and the 'bigger things' in relationships. its so easy to get caught up in dumb dumb things. and how unfortunate that those small things can unfortunately ruin peoples relationships.... kelly and i have been struggling with all of this....we really have-but the 'good' thing is-is that we are VERY aware of it and both make a conscious effort to look at the whole picture....and really try not to take out our frustrations on each other when we really need to lean on each other. i feel very selfish in saying i need a break-bc there are sooo many people who have kids who are sooo much sicker than mine.....but wow.....to all those mothers out there who have sickly children-i have soo much respect for you and dont know how you do it. i dont know where you draw your strength from, but its amazing.

post script:

the drs. office called-emersyn's renal ultrasound was abnormal :(. so now she will have more invasive testing under anesthesia. :( i will keep you all posted.

my other family

anyone who knows my group of friends agrees that we are like no other. we are truly-like a family. we are a group of about 15 or so from high school that are still best friends. we have dated and slept with eachother (some of us anyway...), we have been thru marriages, friendships, babies, death, drama (!!), moving across the country-and we have remained like a family. i try to explain our relationship to people-but i dont think they will ever really get it. i love these guys like my own. seriously. even the ones i have dated. thats all, and i mean all in the past. ya know? like-i have tried to explain it to kelly-how important they to me. but he doesnt get it. and i know i shouldnt, but i take it personally. its like a direct insult to a family member...these people are people who have seen me at my worst. they have picked me up when i couldnt walk anymore. theyve been there for the birth of my first child. theyve been there when my parents moved-and i had no one. they helped me pick up the pieces when jae's dad and i broke up-and (at the time) i thought my world was coming to an end...even though i am states away now, i remain just as close. i dont talk to some as often-but it doesnt change anything-id do anything for them and they for me. i vividly remember being the only mom of the group (still am except for one other)-but never felt like it. the boys would fight over who got to hold or feed the girls...jaelynn is always sooo excited to go to 'home' to atlanta to see all her other 'aunts' and 'uncles'.

i once had a girlfriend in college who met our 'group' and she was blown away by our relationship. she envied it, said shed never seen anything like it. she couldnt believe that we'd all been best friends since the beginning of high school-some even longer. and to this day-we all remain that way. sure, we are all starting to get married, have our own families-but the fact remains that no one understands our love for eachother like we do....i wish i could put into words-but i cant....

pieces of me

for your leisurely enjoyment... my sweet babies..... enjoy!

holiday dad

hate-verb: to feel intense or passionate dislike for (someone). Have a strong aversion to.

can i just say...i dont hate anyone, but there are a select few that i really, really dont like...jaelynn's dad is one of them. people can say im bitter-but i promise you-i am SOOOO not. trust me. hes scum. i strongly dislike him for what he has done to my child. all of my anger and hatred has nothing to do with him and i-that was over 6 years ago, it has do with my beautiful green eyed wonder. i will never bad mouth him in front of jae-never. never have and never will. that isnt fair to her-regardless of how i may feel about him. and when she is 18 years old and wants nothing to do with him-i can honestly say it will have been HER decision-not mine. since i know that jae doesnt read my blog....i know i can safely vent...

i spent the first year and a half of jae's life desparately trying/begging 's' to be a part of her life. i was constantly calling him and updating him on all of her 'firsts' and what he was missing out on. secretly wishing that he would love her. everytime, we would fight. everytime, i would fight a losing battle. it wasnt HIM i wanted-i knew WE were over-and was glad for that. i was ready to start over and get my life on track. but it was HIM as a FATHER i wanted. my little baby needed a daddy. and he wasnt there....still isnt there. i dont get it. how can one walk away from their child???? i finally gave up on it. and realized that as much as every child needs a father, it was his loss. once i stopped doing all the work-we rarely ever heard from him. (surprise surprise...) except for the holidays.....how convenient. let me just come around and 'buy' my child's love. it makes me sick. he disappears off the face of the earth for six months...and 4 days before her birthday-he calls. i WANT to hang up. actually- i dont even want to answer the phone. i want to simply erase him from our lives. i dont want him to hurt her anymore. so much false hope. words of, 'im going to come and visit', or 'ill send you a gift', or 'ill call you soon'...and she clings to that-because regardless of it all, shes still a baby, and hes her 'daddy'. gag me. i want to physically hurt him. seriously.

i think what hurts, too, is that i see kelly loving jaelynn so undeniably, and so selflessly. and so like his own-and it just makes 's' that much more undeserving of jae. she is so special ya'll. she gives me a run for my money, but, at the end of the day, she is the love of my life. she has this cute little voice (think alvin and the chipmunks) and the personality of a saint. her smile could charm 10 snakes...she is incredibly intelligent-i am constantly awed by her capacity to learn. she is beginning to really embrace being a big sister-which has taken her a while to get used to-but now that she is-she is an amazing big sister. emersyn looks up to her in sooo many ways. it melts my heart.

she turns 7 on sunday. i cant believe its been that long already...and if you havent already guessed.....he called today.....first hes called since xmas. im sure we wont hear from him again until the next big holiday...my only hope is one day she realizes....that she deserves sooo much better than him. and the best she can get-has been standing in front of her eyes all along....kelly....

on a side note, i want to thank all of my friends and family for all of their continued support thru all my craziness... you all have stuck by me and never given up on me-even when at times i turned my back on you. you have picked me up out of the mud and cleaned me off, you have given me a shoulder to lean on, you've been my voice when i had none. i love you.

pms- (post man syndrome)

post getting a man, that is...

so, as a 27 year old woman, i have endured the throes of PMS for...lets see...just short of 16 years. its one of my favorite excuses.....'oh leave me alone, im PMS-ing', or 'agh, im soo bloated-im pms-ing', (you get the gists...)however, i have noticed that for the first time ever- i am REALLY suffereing from PMS. interestingly enough, it seems like my 'symptoms' have gotten worse in the last year. ironically, the last year has consisted of me and kell getting back together. ironic or no? hm. i find myself finding the dumbest and stupidest things to get irritated at him for. and its like i have no control over it. in my mind-im saying, 'come on t, seriously...'but the devil thats sitting on my shoulder is saying, 'hes such a terd...its all his fault, etc'... in talking with my girlfriend meg, she said she noticed the SAME thing! i couldnt believe it! and was secretly relieved to know im really not bipolar! it seems that our men seem to bring out the bitch in ourselves.... is it just our men? or-is it all men, rather??? can someone please shed some light on this...

i am going for my physical today....eh. dreading getting on the scale....weight watchers is goin okay- 7lbs....and ALOT to go....you know, you'd think they'd give you something a little more comfortable than the paper gowns they make you get in-completely naked underneath. i mean, its rough on the skin and so very unfashionable...and they keep the rooms FREEZING. maybe i should consider designing a new 'gown' for drs. offices. um...not so much. ill stick to saving lives....

melt snow, melt.....i finally saw some ground. who knew one could be so excited about dirt and mud....

waiting....

for spring...

to be out of debt...

for the pounds to fall off...

to be engaged...

for summer...

for ali to come home from ecuador...

for my honeymoon...

to return to georgia...

for a stress free life (ha)...

for the day i go to heaven...

for the day i retire...

for the day i get to be a stay at home mom...

to travel the world...

for sampson to quit peeing in my house (agh!)

to complete my first marathon ever...

to be respected-in more ways than one...

to be financially 'comfortable'...

to have one more baby-someday...

for the cures to many diseases...

for peace...

for patience...

at wits end....

slowly but surely, i think i am going to lose my mind. once and for all. my poor emersyn....they are thinking about putting her in the hospital....she is worse....3 very painful shots later, and she is not any better. :( worse, actually....kell is taking her in tonight-so we will see what they say, but, agh. i have to say, this has put me (and all of us) thru the ringer....having sick kids=NO FUN. at. all. kell and i are getting frustrated with eachother...

on a positive note...i think spring is on its way....we've had like 3 days of 40 degree weather....and the massive amounts of snow are FINALLY starting to melt.....i ran yesterday. man. out.of.shape. kelly ran with me. smoked me. grr. i hate that men are always 'better' at this kind of stuff-no matter what. whatev. ive been running for over a year now-and he just runs for the first time w/me and beats me-and-is hardly puffing at all. grr.

the list

bipolar-ness is gone....on the rag.... feeling sappy....so, here are my reasons i know the boy is 'the one.'

i can fart around him
he just gets me.
we always have a BLAST!
he is a phenomenal father
he is so patient
puts up with my crap (aka my 'bipolarness')
he takes my gargage out
i can poop with him in the bathroom.
hes sensitive
he thinks im beautiful-fluff and all
our chemistry is amazing. (cant wait for our wedding night)
even though jaelynn isn't 'his', he treats her like his own and refers to the kids as 'OUR children' and calls jae 'his daughter'.
he cleans
hes a neat freak
hes a momma's boy
he has a great body (!)
treats me like gold
loves God
knows my deepest and darkest secrets-and still loves me.
he buys me tampons
he carries my purse
because when i am with him, nothing else matters.
he gives me a peace ive never known before
he doesnt take me for granted.
he makes me a better person.
i can be unshowered and makeupless around him and not care about how i look....


these are just some...of the many.... *sigh* i know, sappy. did it make you gag? i cant help it...i am jsut so lucky.

btw.....the whole thing with emersyn??? she DOES have a UTI-and a BAD one.... agh. not gonna get into all the details-bc we'll be here all night, but lets just say....i am sooo glad she is sleeping thru the night again. i feel so bad for her though....this has been a traumatic experience for her...and she still lhas to go in tommorow for her last shot. :(. they are gonna do some further testing once shes done w/antibiotics due to her young age and having a UTI.....make sure nothing is 'anatomically' abnormal....shes still quite sick. she is in good spirits, however, she has only peed 2 times in 24 hours.....poor baby.

sincerely yours....

dear boyfriend,

hi. its your 'bipolar' girlfriend. i was just writing to let you know that....i dont care if you like my fluff. it is NOT okay, especially when i TELL you not to, to touch my fluff. i am very sensitive about my fluff. different clothes may make my fluff stick out more or make it feel a little more, well, fluffy. especially, especially my dear, when i am on my period. agh. that is like putting your fingers in the cage with the tiger-your gonna get bit. what do you mean you dont understand. theres nothing to understand. i say, 'dont touch my fluff', thats what i mean. there is no reverse psychology in that phrase. so, it is in your best interest to just-not touch the fluff. put your hand on my leg, my toe, whatever. just not the fluff. now. in reference to the whole 'bipolar' comment...

i am NOT bipolar. and telling a woman that you think they are bipolar-probably isnt a good idea. especially when they are premenstrual. you grew up with 3 sisters-i know you what this is all about. so i get a wee bit sensitive the week before...so my emotions are kinda up and down like a roller coaster.....this is all a part of being a woman. im not sure bipolar was the choice word you were looking for....and then-to add salt to the wound, this thought is nothing new? youve felt this way for years??? really. wow. and you expect that not to sting just a bit? and you dont understand why i am NOW questioning my sanity? or lack there of???? agh. you men.


sincerely,
your disgruntled, bipolar, fluffy girlfriend.

footprints on my heart...

i often complain about my job-not so much in my blog, but in general...i know, who doesn't complain about their job....but-i have to say, being a nurse is not a job that everyone can do. it is not only physically grueling, but emotionally and physchologically as well. its not a job that you can just leave at the office. you cant just leave things unfinished. a 'mistake' isn't just a 'mistake' because you are dealing with people's lives. you are the eyes and the ears for the doctors you answer to. you are the strength to the patient's when they want to give up. and you are the shoulder and calm force to a family going thru an illness. at times, it is the most frustrating job ever-dealing with families takes such an emotional toll. it can make it extremely difficult to care for a sick person. but i can understand their concerns-i mean-if that was my loved one-id probably act the same way...i sometimes go home and wonder why i do this. i work over 10 hours a day often times-and go home just exhausted. like i said-not just physically, but emotionally as well. my mom was the one who told me i'd be a good nurse. 'you have a lot of compassion' and 'have a way' with people. i have always known that whatever i ended up doing-i wanted to help people. not just help people, but make a difference. truly make a difference. i want people to remember me by the work i did as a nurse. and despite how crappy my day may be going, i try to never let my patient's see that-i am there for them after all...but i sometimes go home at night and want to quit. it just gets soooo old sometimes. the same old patients-drug seeking, drunk driving patients who have no care for anyone but themselves. but its those, those who leave footprints on my heart, that keep me coming back. and that remind me-THIS, THIS, is why you do this. for these people....

like the 42 year old mother of 8 children ranging from ages 19 years old to 3 years old who has been diagnosed with breast cancer. despite it all, the poor prognosis, the constant nausea from chemo, the 30 lbs lost from chemo, she had the BEST attitude. i so enjoyed her presence. and her husband, a true man. never leaving her side-you could tell what they had was the real thing. when i left that day, i gave her a hug and briefly shared a few tears with her....something i rarely do, esp. with patients.

or the gentleman in his early 40's that was so incredibly scared to have surgery. and quite frankly-was kinda an ass while i was getting him all set for surgery. but...i kept my patience and continued to 'kill him with kindness'....eventually, he came around, and we got on great. the next day, the surgeon came up to me and personally thanked me for the great care i gave his patient-the patient told the surgeon 'how wonderful' i was.

or the family of a 16 year old trauma patient, whose body layed in my recovery room while they said good-bye to their baby girl. the most heartbreaking thing i have personally ever witnessed on the job. i was physically ill. i could not imagine....what it would be like to lose my young child. or any close loved one, at that. in such a horric way.

or the lady who was found outside in 10 degree weather, naked, frozen-literally frozen to the ground. she suffered frost bite so severe that she had to go to the OR for her wounds to be debrided daily. she struggled with drug abuse and alcoholism. she had nothing. she had no job, no family. her only friend was a quadraplegic who left her out in the cold. i took the time to talk with her and try to 'help' her get her life back on track.... 3 weeks after she discharged from the hospital, a gentleman in a wheelchair was rolling thru the halls, looking lost. i asked him if he needed some help, and he said he was looking for 'tera'....(what are the odds) i told him i was her....and he handed me a card and a wicker basket full of candy. the card said, 'thank you for caring.' this meant so much to me, coming from someone who had essentially nothing....

*sigh*....and these, these footprints on my heart, are why i keep coming back.

senior citizen wednesday?

another sleepless night. agh. emersyn has turned into a night owl. whatev. maybe she's not feeling good?? kell is currently at the dr. with her right now....however, i am partial to think this may be one of those '2 year old stages'....

went to the y to work out this morning. senior citizens every which way you turned. not discriminating-i just have never seen so many at one time outside of the hospital or a nursing home! how cute though. it was fun to watch them. one little guy, we will call him 'willy'-he looked like a willy....he was working out in his polyester pants pulled up to his chest with cute little suspenders on. glasses hanging at the end of his nose. and of course, his hush puppy shoes. little shuffling gait that old people have...willy was flirting with...lets see....we will call her thelma. thelma was decked out in a workout headband (!) and spandex. what a hot item she must be in the elderly community...i enjoyed watching them from afar-conjuring all kinds of ahem.. talk in my mind. (you should try it-its great fun i assure you) and everyone knew everyone-they all stopped to talk to eachother and pat eachother on the back. 'go get 'em', or 'good for you'. what a neat little support system... and let me tell you....it was soo nice to workout and not feel like you are being molested by the eyes by some freak who thinks they look hot in a wife beater and shorts. ew. it was nice to work out and not feel violated....a couple of the old folks even made conversation with me. old people are funny. i guess thats part of the reason i love my job so much. if you havent had a conversation with a random old person in a while, do it. you will walk away smiling thinking, 'what a cutie.' of course, some old people stink, like literally, but if you breathe in and out of your mouth, the smell is something you can get past. speaking of smell.... off on a tangent, well kinda, i had a patient 2 weeks ago that had a kidney stone...well, prior to his hospitalization, he had not bathed/showered in THREE YEARS. I AM NOT exaggerating. literally, three years. how does one 'accomplish' this? and it showed...simply amazing. just when you think you've seen/heard it all....

the state of wisconsin is still in mourning over the 'loss' of brett. the 9 oclock news last night consisted of ONLY him. no 'top stories' or weather checks-only brett. craziness.

on a closing note....my sister ali is in ecuador. and if you all have followed the news, you know that colombia and ecuador are not getting along right now...and bush is backing colombia. so if you are a believer in prayer...say a prayer for her safety....and if you dont, well say a prayer anyways.... :)

speechless

it is a sad day for me....brett favre is retiring after 17 seasons.... if you are not a football, or packer fan, skip down a few paragraphs....i AM a hardcore packer fan. well, football fan in general. not your typical girl when it comes to this sport...i love to play it, watch it and be one of 'the guys'. you know, drink a beer and scream at the tv. but brett favre is my favorite. his passion for the game is llike no other....he has always truly enjoyed the game....i figured he'd give it one more season, esp. after the good season they had. *sigh* am seriously in utter disbelief! its all silly, i know, but geez... the game just wont be the same without him. i am so sad.

anyway-moving along....

much to evengodissingle's prodding, i am reading the book 'skinny bitch'. am about half way thru it. i must admit, i had very high expectations of this book-as ive had heard so much about it....so after the first 2 chapters, i was kinda disappointed. it was almost like degrading-i still dont know if thats the word im looking for, but its harsh. i know we all need that sometimes, but.... HOWEVER......as i get more and more into it, it has me thinking...about becoming a vegan. eh. i would probably fail miserably at this, however, i was literally nauseated after reading the chapter, 'you are what you eat'....wont get too graphic, but it goes into GREAT GREAT detail about the slaughtering process of animals-not just the process, but the illnesses, and diseases they carry b/c they arent properly taken care of, etc.... just hold on a minute-im not on board just yet, but it DOES make one think... i dont necessarily agree with the whole 'you have to be a hardcore vegan to be skinny' idea the book is selling. (its main selling point so far anyway). but lets just say, the book captures you... i will have to keep you posted on this subject. i am still going to have my killer chicken fajitas for lunch today.... :)

am so incredibly sleep deprived today...emersyn woke up at midnight last night SCREAMING bloody murder....this is the second night in a row, however last night, she wouldnt go back to bed....i was up-literally-until 4:30 with her. agh. she was soo restless-not sure if she had a tummy ache??? she was acting really wierd and almost like she was in 'pain'...unfortunetly, she isnt at the age where she can verbalize her issues....shes in a good mood this morning though... but i can tell shes sleepy. good- i sense a nap for the both of us shortly...

oh-real quick: funny story. this weekend, jae and i stopped at cullver's for an icecream cone and the flavor of the day was butter pecan. jae tasted mine and liked it-if it didnt have nuts. so the next night, we all went, as a family, and jae says, 'i want the butter pecan without the nuts.' :) such an innocent soul...you kinda had to be there....but it was cute-funny....

gag me please...

earlier today, i had about 30 minutes of 'alone' time-i had gotten done working out and had a half hour before i had to pick up jae from school....all i know...i wish i could have 30 minutes of alone time every day....i got SOOOO much done in that short period of time. i folded a load of laundry, cleaned the messy house, started supper, put another load of laundry in the wash machine, did the dishes, etc. all uninteruppted....amazing. i also had a million things to blog about-and of course, now i cant think of any of them!

went to the y to work out today....way long overdue....felt sooo good. let me just tell you-i cannot stand the people in the weight room. agh. sick. everywhere you look, its nasty guys-who think they are hot-staring at themselves in the mirror, flexing their so not impressive triceps. i can just see them kissing their biceps. ew. i go to workout. simple. thats it. quite personally, i dont know very many people who look very attractive when they are sweaty and stinky in old gym clothes....strutting around like their shit dont stink. i dont get this.i mean , do they really think they look hot? seriously? grr. pet peeve...

kelly has my flu. :( was up all night puking and pooping. poor kid. jaelynn is the only one who hasnt gotten it-so i hope we keep it tat way...

hit 40 this weekend....yay-spring is on the way...however, this poses a concern for me....i live in an old house...so, occasionally, there is a leak prob. in the basement when it rains a lot, or a lot of snow metls.....so....now that we have begun the 'big thaw'....i am worried about leak issues. eh.

am falling asleep as i write this.....soooo.....good night!