holiday dad

hate-verb: to feel intense or passionate dislike for (someone). Have a strong aversion to.

can i just say...i dont hate anyone, but there are a select few that i really, really dont like...jaelynn's dad is one of them. people can say im bitter-but i promise you-i am SOOOO not. trust me. hes scum. i strongly dislike him for what he has done to my child. all of my anger and hatred has nothing to do with him and i-that was over 6 years ago, it has do with my beautiful green eyed wonder. i will never bad mouth him in front of jae-never. never have and never will. that isnt fair to her-regardless of how i may feel about him. and when she is 18 years old and wants nothing to do with him-i can honestly say it will have been HER decision-not mine. since i know that jae doesnt read my blog....i know i can safely vent...

i spent the first year and a half of jae's life desparately trying/begging 's' to be a part of her life. i was constantly calling him and updating him on all of her 'firsts' and what he was missing out on. secretly wishing that he would love her. everytime, we would fight. everytime, i would fight a losing battle. it wasnt HIM i wanted-i knew WE were over-and was glad for that. i was ready to start over and get my life on track. but it was HIM as a FATHER i wanted. my little baby needed a daddy. and he wasnt there....still isnt there. i dont get it. how can one walk away from their child???? i finally gave up on it. and realized that as much as every child needs a father, it was his loss. once i stopped doing all the work-we rarely ever heard from him. (surprise surprise...) except for the holidays.....how convenient. let me just come around and 'buy' my child's love. it makes me sick. he disappears off the face of the earth for six months...and 4 days before her birthday-he calls. i WANT to hang up. actually- i dont even want to answer the phone. i want to simply erase him from our lives. i dont want him to hurt her anymore. so much false hope. words of, 'im going to come and visit', or 'ill send you a gift', or 'ill call you soon'...and she clings to that-because regardless of it all, shes still a baby, and hes her 'daddy'. gag me. i want to physically hurt him. seriously.

i think what hurts, too, is that i see kelly loving jaelynn so undeniably, and so selflessly. and so like his own-and it just makes 's' that much more undeserving of jae. she is so special ya'll. she gives me a run for my money, but, at the end of the day, she is the love of my life. she has this cute little voice (think alvin and the chipmunks) and the personality of a saint. her smile could charm 10 snakes...she is incredibly intelligent-i am constantly awed by her capacity to learn. she is beginning to really embrace being a big sister-which has taken her a while to get used to-but now that she is-she is an amazing big sister. emersyn looks up to her in sooo many ways. it melts my heart.

she turns 7 on sunday. i cant believe its been that long already...and if you havent already guessed.....he called today.....first hes called since xmas. im sure we wont hear from him again until the next big holiday...my only hope is one day she realizes....that she deserves sooo much better than him. and the best she can get-has been standing in front of her eyes all along....kelly....

on a side note, i want to thank all of my friends and family for all of their continued support thru all my craziness... you all have stuck by me and never given up on me-even when at times i turned my back on you. you have picked me up out of the mud and cleaned me off, you have given me a shoulder to lean on, you've been my voice when i had none. i love you.