drained like a california raisin

sucked dry.

like a dried up noodle.
like a raisin left in the sun.
like a flower once its dead.
like a gas tank on empty.
like a flower sans nectar.
like an orange without its juice.
like eyes without life.
like a plant with no water.
like an ocean devoid of water.
like a mom with no rest......

agh. emersyn is really sick again. yesterday, as i was holding her down during the renal ultrasound, i was thinking, 'i cannot imagine what it is like to have to do this day in and day out.' i am sooo thankful that-for the most part-my kids are healthy. my sister stephanie has a good friend whose daughter has spina bifida. she is a precious little child, but quite ill. they often are making the 4 hour trips to indianapolis to see the specialists and it is a daily routine to straight cath her or feed her thru her feeding tube. i am so lucky. i was exhausted last night. emotionally. still am. i feel like i cant do this. i am sooo overwhelmed right now with being a mom to a sick child-especially when they dont know whats wrong and she isnt old enough to verbalize what hurts. and the stress this has put on kelly and i.....is unbelievable. strong-is the marriage that steph's friend and her husband have. i envy them and the strength they find in each other bc it is sooo easy to take frustrations and lack of sleep, etc out on each other instead of taking hold of each other in times of need. i am reading 'beautiful boy' by david scheff right now. its about a fathers journey-and their families journey with his son's addiction to meth and his recovery from meth. it is heartbreaking. but wow-what an incredible marriage he and his second wife have to have stayed together thru all of what they went thru. honestly. i am awakened-rudely-about the 'facts of life' and the 'bigger things' in relationships. its so easy to get caught up in dumb dumb things. and how unfortunate that those small things can unfortunately ruin peoples relationships.... kelly and i have been struggling with all of this....we really have-but the 'good' thing is-is that we are VERY aware of it and both make a conscious effort to look at the whole picture....and really try not to take out our frustrations on each other when we really need to lean on each other. i feel very selfish in saying i need a break-bc there are sooo many people who have kids who are sooo much sicker than mine.....but wow.....to all those mothers out there who have sickly children-i have soo much respect for you and dont know how you do it. i dont know where you draw your strength from, but its amazing.

post script:

the drs. office called-emersyn's renal ultrasound was abnormal :(. so now she will have more invasive testing under anesthesia. :( i will keep you all posted.