footprints on my heart...

i often complain about my job-not so much in my blog, but in general...i know, who doesn't complain about their job....but-i have to say, being a nurse is not a job that everyone can do. it is not only physically grueling, but emotionally and physchologically as well. its not a job that you can just leave at the office. you cant just leave things unfinished. a 'mistake' isn't just a 'mistake' because you are dealing with people's lives. you are the eyes and the ears for the doctors you answer to. you are the strength to the patient's when they want to give up. and you are the shoulder and calm force to a family going thru an illness. at times, it is the most frustrating job ever-dealing with families takes such an emotional toll. it can make it extremely difficult to care for a sick person. but i can understand their concerns-i mean-if that was my loved one-id probably act the same way...i sometimes go home and wonder why i do this. i work over 10 hours a day often times-and go home just exhausted. like i said-not just physically, but emotionally as well. my mom was the one who told me i'd be a good nurse. 'you have a lot of compassion' and 'have a way' with people. i have always known that whatever i ended up doing-i wanted to help people. not just help people, but make a difference. truly make a difference. i want people to remember me by the work i did as a nurse. and despite how crappy my day may be going, i try to never let my patient's see that-i am there for them after all...but i sometimes go home at night and want to quit. it just gets soooo old sometimes. the same old patients-drug seeking, drunk driving patients who have no care for anyone but themselves. but its those, those who leave footprints on my heart, that keep me coming back. and that remind me-THIS, THIS, is why you do this. for these people....

like the 42 year old mother of 8 children ranging from ages 19 years old to 3 years old who has been diagnosed with breast cancer. despite it all, the poor prognosis, the constant nausea from chemo, the 30 lbs lost from chemo, she had the BEST attitude. i so enjoyed her presence. and her husband, a true man. never leaving her side-you could tell what they had was the real thing. when i left that day, i gave her a hug and briefly shared a few tears with her....something i rarely do, esp. with patients.

or the gentleman in his early 40's that was so incredibly scared to have surgery. and quite frankly-was kinda an ass while i was getting him all set for surgery. but...i kept my patience and continued to 'kill him with kindness'....eventually, he came around, and we got on great. the next day, the surgeon came up to me and personally thanked me for the great care i gave his patient-the patient told the surgeon 'how wonderful' i was.

or the family of a 16 year old trauma patient, whose body layed in my recovery room while they said good-bye to their baby girl. the most heartbreaking thing i have personally ever witnessed on the job. i was physically ill. i could not imagine....what it would be like to lose my young child. or any close loved one, at that. in such a horric way.

or the lady who was found outside in 10 degree weather, naked, frozen-literally frozen to the ground. she suffered frost bite so severe that she had to go to the OR for her wounds to be debrided daily. she struggled with drug abuse and alcoholism. she had nothing. she had no job, no family. her only friend was a quadraplegic who left her out in the cold. i took the time to talk with her and try to 'help' her get her life back on track.... 3 weeks after she discharged from the hospital, a gentleman in a wheelchair was rolling thru the halls, looking lost. i asked him if he needed some help, and he said he was looking for 'tera'....(what are the odds) i told him i was her....and he handed me a card and a wicker basket full of candy. the card said, 'thank you for caring.' this meant so much to me, coming from someone who had essentially nothing....

*sigh*....and these, these footprints on my heart, are why i keep coming back.