hurts so bad.

last week, one of my childhood friends, with whom i am not that close with anymore, (but thats besides the point), and his wife lost their infant child. she was only present in this world for 7 short hours. they knew thru out the pregnancy that their was 'something wrong', i dont know all of the details. to say they were 'prepared' for her death, is really not a true statement, because how does one ever prepare for a loved ones death? especially an infant? i think when its your grandma or grandpa and they are dying of old age, it MAY be easier, because-that is how life goes, we get old, and we die. but a baby, your child, your life, who you are just introducing life to, only to have it taken away so swiftly. how do you prepare for that? please dont think me insensitive when i say 'easier' with older generations--i know it really probably isnt, but for the sake of this 'argument', or whatever you call it, thats what i imagine. i dont know. the only family member ive lost really close to me is my grandfather, when i was a freshman in highschool. ive lost a handful of friends in car wrecks, and have grieved for them, and continue to grieve for them yearly. more so now that i am a parent. what i DO know is that it makes me SICK to think of what my friends are going through, and that i COULD NOT imagine having to bury my child. the only comfort is knowing they are in my Heavenly Father's arms, safe from this cruel world, but even still, being the selfish human being i am, i would have a hard time letting it be enough. the day i found out, i was just sick to my stomach all day. hurting for them. what a blessing that they got to spend that 7 hours with her at all, but how hard it must have been to let her little hand go. and how does one not blame God in these situations? i dont-and i know this family doesnt, for their faith in God is so amazing, but its soo frustrating. its so hard to understand sometimes. certainly, we know HE didnt CAUSE this, that He has a greater plan and that this precious little angel was soo special that He needed her by His side now.

i sat through church with emersyn on my lap and even as i write this, i tear up, and get somewhat short of breath, near panic. i get so scared. so scared of losing my kids sometimes that i literally cannot breathe. and i think of parents who have lost children. HOW do they have the will to go on? i HONESTLY cannot imagine what i would do. i imagine myself wandering aimlessly. so often before i became a mom, during my pregnancy with jae, people were always saying, 'your life is going to change so much.' or something to that extent. and for those of you who are new-er moms, im sure you remember hearing things like that. you remember loving your friends babies, nieces and nephews--but the moment your child was placed in your arms, your heart stated beating for something different altogether. its not anything one can ever explain until you experience it. and i assure you--if you are never able to bear your own children, even through adoption, you can experience this feeling. my youngest sister is adopted and i know the moment she was placed in my moms arms, she never wavered in her love for her. i try to remember life before kids--and i remember it, but not really.....i mean, what did i DO? i know i get frustrated with my kids sometimes, but geez, who doesnt. anyone who doesnt admit that is full of poop. but i would never ever trade my moments or life with my babies. they are my world. and i just ached for this family. but i find comfort knowing that they have a strong faith in God--and a strong, healthy marriage that will carry them through.

all this aside, eight years ago this weekend, i became a mom for the first time. i look back on these years and where i was, who i was and where ive come and its been a wild ride. ive learned sooo much. there have been lots of ups and downs, but the reality of it is that it has made me the mom and woman i am today. i am not a perfect mom or person, but everyday i try to be better... and ive come a long ways. i think that says something. jaelynn has blessed me so much. i call her my saving grace....because i think that if i wouldnt have gotten pregnant when i did, i would have seriously possibly ended up dead from a drug overdose or something of the likes. sadly, but true. and while God doesnt condone sexual immorality, i think that it was somehow a part of His plan for me--i made the choice to do what I did, but He wasnt finished with me. she has taught me many lessons....and as the 2 of us, we went through a lot. she is growing up to be such an amazing young girl. i know that she is going to get through her tough spots with flying colors, bc we can get through anything...

happy birthday baby girl.