confused.

a good friend of kelly's and my older sisters' committed suicide last night. he hung himself. he left behind 2 twin boys, and of course, many who loved and cared deeply for him. i am so confused though. i suffer from depression. over half of our country does. however, i dont understand what drives people to suicide. i am NOT being critical. i am seriously trying to understand what goes thru the human brain that leads to this point. i have been so low that i have questioned why things happen, but i have never contemplated taking my life. i have too much to live for. it hurts me for these people, that they hurt this much. i want to reach out and help them, to touch them in a way they have never been touched, so that they would know that they are WORTH it. worth living for. and the anger and hurt that is left behind in the family and loved ones is so difficult to shoulder. it makes many question God. in times like that, its hard not to. the loved ones are left with the unanswered questions of why-and will probably never understand why. i am so sorry that it got to the point that he felt he needed to end things. i wish he would have had someone to go to, maybe he did have someone to go to. i dont know. it just makes me confused. agh.

we are often times so critical of people who are suicidal, i know i have done it. we all have. we are quick to judge. 'what can be so bad', or 'how selfish'. these are human things to think, and maybe truthful things to think, but yet, we DONT know what is in that persons head. i know that depression is a crazy thing. i know it is devastating and can ruin lives. as it has here. i know its 'not just in the head'. its a chemical imbalance in addition to the physcosocial issues. i dont think our world is educated enough about it. i know i wasnt. until i was in school for nursing. it seems that it is becoming more sociably acceptable, depression, that is, but used to be, you hear the word depression and people associated it with crazy. or psycho. loony. schizo. whatever. no one wants to be associated with those terms, so they hide it. they hide their hurt and then when something like this happens, 'no one saw it coming'. is this accurate? i dont know, im just throwing things out there. kinda rambling with my thoughts tonight, but after i talked to kell and he told me about their friend committing suicide, i just got to thinking about it all, and i was confused and frustrated...

he will never get to see his kids laugh again. or his mom smile. his wife sleep. he will never feel the cool air blowing across his face on a mid summers eve. or watch a sunset on a cool fall night. he'll never watch the packer's play football again. he wont have to shovel out the driveway after a heavy snow. he wont get to see his boys marry the loves of their life or have babies of their own......and this was his choice.......its hard to not be frustrated when people get killed in accidents everyday, and didnt get to choose whether they live or die.....i know that is harsh. and its not fair for me to say that. but its frustrating. i wish i could have helped him. i wish i could have shown him how much God loves him, and those who are grieving for him right now. although, i think he aleady knew. well, i hope he did.

make sure you tell those you love you love them. you never know when it will be the last time you'll see them, by anyones choice.