woes from the premenstrual queen

beware of the premenstrual queen.

i am having one of my few emotional breakdowns i am afraid...you know, the kinds that start off crying for one reason and then every other emotion that has been building up for the last hmmm, 4 months comes out. and suddenly its Niagara falls and i cant stop crying....it started earlier this week.

so ive been training for my relay marathon. so exciting. finally back in shape. feels great. however, enter this numbness/tingling pain that has been radiating down my legs for the last 6 months on and off....its back. worse than ever. i actually thought i was going to have to go to the ER earlier this week b/c my leg was so numb/weak/painful. so the neurosurgeon i work with and have been consulting with, had initially put me on steroids, which helped. he told me to lay off running for a bit, and i did and it got better. then it came back this week-so he says i need an MRI, he thinks i have a bulging/herniated disc. which probably means surgery. so that has been really bumming me out-not to mention im in a lot of pain. but he put me on another dose of steroids to get me over the hump until my MRI...

then, i was reading marley and me. wonderful book. and then i got toward the end. and started bawling my eyes out. hysterically. jaelynn threatened to take the book away from me b/c she doesnt like to see mom cry. omg. broke my heart. it was still a wonderful book, but you know, it was sad at the end.....and thats when the real breakdown started....

jae starts school again on tuesday. ive been upset all week b/c i didnt get to take her school shopping this summer at all. growing up, that was a tradition we had every summer at the end of summer. my mom would take all of us sisters school shopping. it was no extravagant affair, but we got some cool new clothes to start the new year. and i wasnt able to do that with jae b/c i cant afford it. and she was talking about school as i was tucking her in for bed tonight and it just broke my heart. she already has her clothes picked out for the first day of school, with shoes that are almost too small. my kids have nice clothes, but i havent been able to just buy them something for 'fun' or just 'because' in who knows how long. and i take full responsibility for it....its my own doing, but i have been working over 40 hrs a week for almost 5 months steady and still cant get ahead. and im going crazy. i didnt have money to buy neither of my sisters birthday presents or my nieces or nephews birthdays this summer. and i know they all 'understand', but its not fun being the one person in the family who cant afford to buy any gifts bc they are 'too broke'. but i still am not barely even making enough-at 40 hr a week to make it. its like something always comes up. my prescription runs out, or sampson gets sick, or more hospital bills (which are INSANE). here it is the end of the summer, and i didnt get to take my kids anywhere FUN this summer. not because i didnt want to, because i couldnt afford to. i had 2 weeks of vacation, which i had to work-b/c i couldnt afford to not to. i just feel like i have failed my kids miserably. i told jae at the beginning of the summer that we'd go to a water park sometime this summer. and we couldnt. i couldnt go visit my friends in georgia b/c i couldnt afford it, which has been a yearly trip up until this year. and everyone (including myself) keeps saying, itll get better, but im beginning to wonder if it is going to. seriously. i dont know how long i can stay above like this before i start to sink....

in an effort to save (more) money, i am going to be canceling my Internet and my cable. i dont watch tv-the only reason i have my satellite is for the animal planet, discovery channel and disney for the kids. i told jae tonight, and she was devastated. but i dont know what else to do. i dont allow them to watch that much tv anyway, so i think shell manage.... i told her we'll just rent movies from the library. as for the internet, i may be lost. kelly was speechless. he knows how much i love my internet. its my haven when the kids go to bed. thats why i dont watch tv.....once the kids are in bed, i hop on the computer. i figure i can use the internet at work. i may not get to do all that i can do from home, but my parents have internet and so does kell, so i can make it.....and hopefully, its just temporary. once i get some of these small credit cards paid off, they are done-so thatll help....all the cc are cancelled, and have been, its just a matter of getting them paid off.

what possessed me? what demon came over me in those 8 months? i wish, so desperately wish i could turn back time and make some of my financial decisions over. i think i was just so excited to be on my own, finally, like really on my own. in a house. that was mine. i owned a house. for sooo long, i had been 'independent', but yet dependent b/c i lived at home with my parents with my kids yet. i worked so hard to get thru college as a 'single mom' and blah, and blah....and now the freedom of caught up with me. bad. and now i am paying for it. bad. i am starting to have hard core anxiety over this though. at my dr. appointment today, my dr. even commented on me having anxiety-which is really NOT like me. its hard to talk to anyone in my family about my money woes-especially my parents, b/c i feel like such a letdown to them. i have already made so many mistakes-and so the fact that i have 'messed up again' comes as 'no surprise'-and so it HURTS me immensely to let them down. so as i sink deeper and deeper, i feel like i have no one to go to to ask for help and talk to about it. or my sisters. kelly understands, but he, too just kindof shakes his head at me in disappointment.

i mostly just hate that my kids have to suffer b/c of my mistakes. jaelynn, my smart little 7 year old, is waaaayyy to wise for her own good. she knows more than i give her credit for. when i dont think shes listening, she is. she knows mom is struggling. and sometimes makes comments. or says things like, 'you can use my money' or 'good thing you get paid today'. and it just breaks my heart. i do my best to not let her see it-but she is a keen child. she can sense things and she just knows.

i f'ed up. big time. *sigh*