moment of weakness

suck it in. little bit more.....i am. the zippers stuck. i cant breathe.

two weeks away until my sister's wedding. i tried on my bridesmaid dress for the first time....in over a year.... yep. a bit snug. how depressing. after kelly managed to zip me into it....i decided to wear it around the house for a half hour in hopes to 'stretch it out'. and then....ordered some spanx. agh. screw the 16lbs. im down.....when the hell did i get so fat? yeah, so im about to start my period and am so f-in bloated. but still. so i went on bridesmaid strike. (i hope you dont read this leah) i made up an excuse why i didnt go get my dress altered yesterday, but really it was because i was on strike. i know, how selfish. but i had a pity party for myself. i know, again, how selfish. but there are 9 of us girls in this wedding(!) as bridesmaids and i am the 'fattest' one. i dont want to be the 'fattest' one. i hate standing next to these thin, beautiful girls feeling oh-so inadequate and always less than the best. always been somewhat insecure about myself-but now more than ever it comes up. and its really quite dumb, i know, and some may think 'oh how shallow' but its one thing being scrutinized among 5 beautiful sisters-of which i am the 'fattest' and considered the 'one who looks like none of the others' (which always kindof stings-and i know its not ever necessarily a bad thing- but my sisters are gorgeous, of course i want to look like them), but now i am being scrutinized among my sisters and leah's pretty, thin, bubbly friends....i dont know why i let myself get caught up in it-bc typically i dont get too swayed....but AAAGGHHHH.....i dont want to be the fat bridesmaid. i want to be the HOT bridesmaid. damn it. whatever.


kelly says, 'your not fat'. of course you say that. youd be minus one important body part if you said otherwise. wise choice.