letters to the press

dear stomach,
i know your hungry for some real food. soon. i promise. but for now you will have to settle for the 'soft foods' like yogurt, ice cream and mashed potatoes until my mouth heals.

sincerly,
your hungry taste buds



dear drive way,

i know you need to be shoveled. i am hoping with another couple 30 degree days though, the snow may just melt. and it will all be taken care of. its just too much work.

sorry,
my back.



dear size smaller pants,
you are simply dying to be worn. i know. you sit neglected on my pants shelf, calling my name daily. your time will come. i fully intend on getting into you soon, have no fear. and without a muffin top-but you must be patient.

yours,
one size too big...



dear staring weirdo at funset,
must you sit and stare at my (soon to be) sister in law like she is a piece of meat? seriously. and make no secret of it. in front of her brother and her husband. get a clue. you look like a child molestor and probably are one. so turn now. and walk away. before you get hurt.

advising you wisely,
me.



dear ol' weiner dog of mine,
we've had this talk before. clearly, yout arent getting the message. chewing on pens, pencils or other household items do nothing but get you in trouble. i love you, i let you sleep with me at night and snuggle you. so you are not neglected in any way shape or form. and you continue to wreak all kinds of havoc in my house. keep it up or i may have to string you up by what little balls you have left.

youve been warned,
your loving master



dear soon to husband,

can we go on a date sometime soon?

thatd be nice,
your soon to be wife.



dear dresser drawers,
where do i start? enough said. ill get to you soon.

i cant find my underwear,
tera